Communication Final Review
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Communication Review Test #2 Lecture Notes • Conflict o Avoidance ▯ Undermines the relationship, you end up not liking them ▯ It does not solve anything o Conflict: an expressed struggle between two interdependent parties ▯ Transactional • Between 2 people • Talking about issues that occur between two people • You have some part in that conflict • How we communicate can change our relationships ▯ Shaped by perception • Pseudo conflict: when you think you have a conflict, but in actuality you do not have any conflict at all • Ex. Dr. Banas facebooking one of his friends and her giving him the “cold shoulder.” Dr. Banas thought she was mad, but in actuality she was not mad at all. • So many things that you perceive about your roommate, they might not perceive as annoying at all, but you might ▯ Rooted in views of goals and resources • It’s highly like we’re going to have goal conflict • Understanding conflict o It is inevitable (it is going to happen) o It is NOT fundamentally negative ▯ Sometimes conflict is fundamentally negativ e, but it is not always negative ▯ FBF (first big fight) • If you are in an interpersonal relationship and you have not had a FBF, you are NOT very close • When a FBF occurs, you are dropping the “everything is ok” act ▯ Chinese character = opportunity + Danger • “Problems will magically go away and dissolve on their own” ▯ NO they will not go away on their own o Conflict Resolution can set precedents ▯ Thematic conflict: when you do not resolve a theme, such as jealousy, it will follow you through out your relationship ▯ Chilling Effect: You avoid resolving the conflict, you are afraid of how the other person is going to react. ▯ Conditioning one’s partner • People treat us how we allow them to treat us • People who put up with bad things ▯ need to expect that they’ll still treat us badly • Ex. Dr. Banas telling them he’ll work for minimum wage ▯ bad move on teaching them how to treat him • Gottman’s Conflict Tip s o World’s leading man on divorce o He doesn’t need to know anything, but how two people talk to one another Communication Review Test #2 o If you give him TEN MINUTES, he has a 90% accuracy rate if the couple will get divorced o If you give him 30 minutes ▯ 95% accuracy ▯ Best gambler is 53% accurate o Tips ▯ Edit yourself: it’s tough when you’re mad to edit yourself ▯ Soften your “start up” • Avoiding does not do anything ▯ Gently bring up the conflict ▯ Start gently WITHOUT blame ▯ Do not just start yelling at them ▯ Accept influence • One of the best indicator’s is husbands accepting influence from his wife • Girls are great people to have teammates as ▯ Have high standards • Standards cannot be raised later • One can’t just change their standards ▯ Learn to repair and exit an argument • Learn how to fix a problem • EXIT when you start losing control ▯ Focus on the bright side • 5:1, 5 positives to 1 negative comment (Happy relationship) • Gottman’s Four Horsemen (Worst Things) o Criticism ▯ People do not respond to criticism well o Defensiveness ▯ Trying to play defense ▯ No one can blame you for anything o Stonewalling ▯ Do not respond, just shut down ▯ Do not talk or respond ▯ Men 85% ▯ women 15% stonewalling ▯ Women HATE when men do this o Contempt ▯ “I am better than you are” ▯ “Eye rolling” ▯ Ugly name calling Chapter 7 Communicating in Social and Professional Relationships • Why social Relationships matter o Having strong ties with friends, neighbors, coworkers, and others improves the quality of our life in multiple ways o We form relationships because we need to belong ▯ One reason social relationships matter is that it’s in our nature to form them ▯ The fundamental human inclination to bond with others is the idea behind psychologist Roy Baumeister’s need to belong theory Communication Review Test #2 • This theory states that each of u s is born with a drive to seek, form, maintain, and protect strong relationships • To fulfill that bond we use communication to form social bonds with others at work, school, in our neighborhoods, and other communities ▯ What we need from social relationship s • The need to belong theory suggests that for us to satisfy our drive for relationships, we need social bonds that are BOTH interactive and emotionally close • We form important relationships ONLINE. Research shows that those relationships are often just as emotionally close and include just as frequent interaction as do our face -to-face relationships o Social Relationships Bring Rewards ▯ Brings Emotional Rewards • Fstends provide at least two types of emotional rewards • 1 ▯ emotional support or encouragement during times of emotional turmoil • Friends can help in a crisis or when one is just having a bad day nd • 2 ▯ happiness • We enjoy being with friends because it’s fun and can be entertaining ▯ Brings Material Rewards • Social relationships benefit us by helping meet our material needs, such as our needs for money, food, shelter, and transportation • People tend to share those type of resources with others whom they feel close with • When you need help moving, or a place to stay, or an extra buck, friends can provide that ▯ Brings Health Rewards • Research shows ▯ the more social relationships people had the better able they were to fight off the common cold • Another study ▯ people with a strong social network were twice as likely as others to survive a heart attack • The lack of strong, positive social relationships is as big a risk factor for premature morality as cigarette smoking, obesity, and elevated blood pressure o Social Relationships carry costs as well as benefits ▯ They carry costs and rewards ▯ It takes time ▯ It’s an emotional investment ▯ There can be material costs as well ▯ doing things together, going to eat, going on a road trip together ▯ Can include physical investments as well, such as helping a friend move ▯ A social exchange orientation suggests that being in that kind of “under - benefitted” state can motivate people to end relationships • Forming and Maintaining Social Bonds o Attraction theory: the theory that describes why we are drawn to others ▯ The process of forming most relationships begins with interpersonal attraction, the force that draws people together ▯ Physical attraction: being drawn to someone because of his or her looks Communication Review Test #2 ▯ Social attraction: being attracted to someone’s personality ▯ Task Attraction: being attracted to someone’s abilities and dependability ▯ We are attracted by appearance • We value and appreciate physical attractiveness, so we want to be around people who we think are attractive • In history, humans have sought others who are physically at tractive as mates because attractive people often have very healthy genes ▯ We are attracted by proximity • Proximity: closeness, including how close people live or work and thus how often they interact ▯ We are attracted by similarity • We find similarity ver y attractive with respect to social attraction • Research shows we’re more likely to form social relationships with people who are similar to us ▯ We are attracted by complementarity • Specifically, we can be attracted those who are unlike us if we sees their differences as providing complementarity - a beneficial supplement by another person of something we lack in ourselves ▯ Culture sometimes influences our perceptions of Attractiveness • Uncertainty Reduction theory o This theory suggest that’s you will find uncertainty to be unpleasant, so you’ll be motivated to reduce it by using communication behaviors to get to know your co - worker • Social Exchange and Equity theories o The Social Exchange theory: People seek to maintain relationships in which their benefits outweigh their costs ▯ An important concept in this theory is the comparison level, our realistic expectation of what we want and think we deserve from a relationship ▯ Comparison level for alternatives: this measures how much better or worse our current relationship is than other options. Are you satisfied with your neighborly relationships, or do you think you could find better options? ▯ In some relationships, our comparison level for a particular relationship strongly influences how satisfied we are in that relationship. Significantly, though, our comparison level for alternatives more strongly influences whether that relationship will last ▯ Even satisfying friendships can end if the a lternatives are more appealing ▯ This theory provides a rationale for why people maintain relationships that appear to be more costly, such as an abusive friendship o Equity theory ▯ Over benefited: a state in which one’s relational benefits outweigh one’s co sts ▯ Under-benefited: a state in which one’s relational costs outweigh one’s benefits ▯ Equity Theory: theory that a good relationship is one in which a person’s ratio of costs and benefits is equal to his or her partner’s ▯ Example- if Hannah is always texting me her problems, but never has time to listen to mine. I would be under-benefited and she would be over benefited. ▯ Besides goods, we invest time, attention, and care ▯ In an equitable relationship, we reap those rewards back from them Communication Review Test #2 ▯ In some situations, our investments may outweigh our returns, when we provide for someone suffering a major health problem • Relational Maintenance Theory (p. 14) o This theory explains how we maintain relationships - specifically, if focuses on the primary behaviors we use to do so ▯ Positivity- behaviors such as acting friendly and cheerful, being courteous to others, and refraining from criticism. These people are pl easant and nice to be around ▯ Openness- describes a person’s willingness to discuss his or her relationship with a friend or other relational partner. People who use this relational maintenance strategy are likely to disclose their thoughts and feelings, t o ask how their friend feels about the relationship, and to confide in their friend • An optimal amount of openness will help maintain a relationship and keep it strong ▯ Assurances- verbal and nonverbal behaviors that people use to stress their faithfulness and commitment to others. ▯ Social Networks- all the friendship and family relationships you have. An important relational maintenance behavior is to share your social networks with another. You and a close friend are likely to know each other’s friends and coworkers. When you do, we say you and your friend’s social networks have converged • Convergence is an important way to keep relationships strong and stable ▯ Sharing tasks- performing your fair share of the work in a friendship • If your friend gives you a ride, it’s fair for you to paint their apartment if he asks • Revealing Ourselves in Relationships o Self disclosure is the act of intentionally giving others information about ourselves that we believe is true but that we think they don’t already have ▯ Self-disclosure reveals a part of us to someone else through communication o Characteristics of Self -Disclosure ▯ It is Intentional and Truthful • We must deliberately share the information about ourselves • We must believe the information is true • Verbal leakage: information unintentionally shared with others ▯ Varies in breadth and depth • Social penetration theory: theory suggesting that the depth and breadth of self-disclosure help us learn about a person we’re getting to know • Self-disclosing over time is like peeling away the layers of an inion: each self-disclosure helps us learn more and more about a person we’re getting to know • Breadth: the range of topics we self -disclose to various people o With some people, our self -disclosure has little breadth, because we disclose about only a limited range of topics. With close friends we probably talk about several aspects of life ▯ self-disclosure greater breadth Communication Review Test #2 • Depth: the degree of intimacy of our se lf-disclosure. It measures how personal or intimate our disclosures are, reflecting how we feel we must guard information we might give out. ▯ Varies among relationships • Not every relationship is characterized by the same breadth and depth ▯ Is usually reciprocal • Norm of reciprocity: the social expectation that favors should be reciprocated • When we disclose to other people, we typically expect them to disclose to us in return ▯ It is influenced by cultural and gender roles • Many factors affect how much info rmation we are willing to disclose to other people • Women self-disclose more than men • In North America and northern Europe, people are often encouraged to express themselves and to self-disclose to their friends and family. Other cultures, such as most As ian cultures, value discretion and encourage people to disclose information only under limited circumstances o Benefits of Self-Disclosure ▯ Enhancement of relationships and trus t- it helps us maintain high quality relationships. We tend to disclose the most to people we like – and we also tend to like people who disclose to us. ▯ Reciprocity- When others disclose to us, we tend to disclose back to them • One way we get to know other people is to tell them about ourselves, so they feel more comfortable doing th e same in return ▯ Emotional Release- Getting something “off your chest.” Appropriate self - disclosures can often bring emotional release. This can reduce stress and can improve our mental and physical health ▯ Assistance to others - We self-disclose when we are consoling individuals who are going through hard times. This disclosure can provide comfort and signal to a friend that they’re not alone o Risks of Self-Disclosure ▯ Rejection: Disclosure could lead to rejection. If you’re friend tells you that they are gay, that could lead to you rejecting them ▯ Obligations in others : Reciprocity could make the other person feel put on the spot and uncomfortable about disclosing something back . Even worse, it could encourage the person to avoid us in the future. ▯ Hurt to others: it’s possible to hurt others with disclosures that are too critical or too personal. Despite the idea that honesty is the best policy, uncensored candor can leaded to wounded feelings or resentment, especially when discussing sensitive disclosures • “I know this is a sensitive topic” or “I understand that this will be hard to hear” ▯ Violation of other’s privacy : inappropriate disclosures can even hurt people who aren’t participating in the conversation. People in many relationships disclose information that is not meant to be shared, sometimes uninte ntionally forwarding a text without permission. Communication Review Test #2 Lecture Notes Competence in Social and professional relationships • Overview o Why Competence? It is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. For most people it is the most important thing. ▯ The most important thing to people ▯ relationships ▯ Communication competence o Communication competence is the connecting thread of suc cessful people. Friends, romantic partners, family, and business partners all require competence • Interpersonal Competence o It involves both understanding what competence is and then translating that knowledge into skill ▯ A lot of times we KNOW what to do, but the doing is hard o Factors to competence ▯ Appropriateness: conforms to the norm ▯ Effectiveness: do you reach your task ▯ Ethics: morally correct, without deceiving people , without deception • What happens when you have someone in your group not holding up their end of the bargain? o You still want to have a relationship with these people o When you kick someone out of the group you look like a bad leader o Another bad example Dr. Banas doing the whole project by himself • Using Communication competently o Expressive messages ▯ Message Design/logics - it’s an evolutionary continuum of communication. It is about expressive messages. If you have expressive messages then it is clear what you are truly trying to say. Expressing “mom I love yo▯ good message. “Get your sh*t together Jimmy” ▯ bad message ▯ Expressive design logic - “getting mad and expressing anger when a football team loses. ▯ Children can only do expressive messages • Ex. “You’re tall” “I do not like this” ▯ A study was done where with a child. They ga ve a child a brown sticker and a sparkly sticker. They said the bear is going to take your favorite sticker, but the child could not tell a lie and admitted the sparkly one was their favorite. o Conventional Messages ▯ Main goal of communication ▯ reach goals ▯ Conventional messages • Bound by roles and contexts • Most human beings do not advance beyond this • “Do it or else” o Rhetorical Messages ▯ Addresses situation in neutral and non -judgmental way ▯ Openly expresses empathy in both perspective taking and empathetic concern ▯ Offer specific, workable situations ▯ “How I talk to this person is going to change perspective” ▯ basketball, instead of saying “you loser why did you take that shot” say, “hey you’ve got that shot just try it again.” Communication Review Test #2 ▯ You have a week to turn in a project and you can openly address empathy. The last two are where people mess up. “If you want you can go to the library with me and I will help you.” This is not an ultimatum. This is being a good leader. • You don’t know what’s going on i n Jimmy’s life, his mom is dying of cancer • If you communicate competently you won’t have to worry about how you communicate • Online Communication Competence o Match message gravity to medium ▯ Some things should not be done via text ▯ Efficiency is NOT ALWAYS best o Online is not always more effective ▯ Not just gravity, some things are more efficiently done outside ▯ A lot of things are done better face -to-face o Know the code ▯ All caps mean something ▯ YELLING ▯ Do not use something unless y ou know what it means, WTF (well that’s fantastic) ▯ NO o Presume online permanence ▯ Nothing disappears once its online ▯ Even Microsoft could not delete all of Anthony Weiner’s emails o Practice creating email drafts ▯ Typos cause one credibility ▯ Take one’s time o Be wary of emotionally seductive qualities of online interaction ▯ Cat fishing ▯ People disclose faster, more personally online Chapter 8 Communicating In Intimate Relationships • The Intimate Relationships we develop with our families and romantic partners truly shape our lives in unique ways • The Nature of Intimate Relationships o Intimacy: Significant emotional closeness experienced in a relationship whether romantic or not o Romantic relationships require deep commitment, foster independence, require continuous investment, and spark dialectical tensions o Intimate relationships require deep commitment ▯ Commitment: our desire to stay in a relationship no matter what happens ▯ When people are committed to one another, they assume they have a future together. This assumption is important because most intimate relationships experience conflict and distress from time to time ▯ Emotional commitment: sense of responsibility for each other’ s feelings and well-being. ▯ Social Commitment: this motivates us to spend time together, to compromise, to be generous with praise and to avoid petty conflict. In some romantic relationships, social commitment takes the form of spending time with a partner’s friends or family members even when we don’t enjoy their company Communication Review Test #2 ▯ Legal and financial commitments: formal expressions of people’s obligations to each other. Parents have a legal responsibility to provide housing, food, clothing, etc. o Intimate relationships foster interdependence ▯ Interdependence: an event or decision that affects one person in a relationship-such as taking a job or moving - affects everyone else in the relationship ▯ What happens to one person, or what one person does, affects everyone else in the relationship ▯ The way parents use their time and money depends on not only themselves but also on their children’s needs ▯ The essence of interdependence is the idea that our actions influence other people’s lives as much as they influence our own ▯ Almost all relationships have some measure of interdependence • However, if your best friend was relocated, one probably wouldn’t move as well ▯ Romantic and familial relationships have a higher level of interdependence o Intimate Relationships Require Continuous Investment ▯ Investment: The commitment of one’s energies and resources to a relationship ▯ We expect to benefit from our investment ▯ People in romantic relationships are often especially aware of how much -and how equitably-they are each investing in the relationship. ▯ Research shows that romantic partners are happiest when they feel they are both investing in their relationship to the s ame degree o Intimate Relationships Spark Dialectical Tensions ▯ Dialectical tensions: conflicts between two important but opposing relational needs or desires ▯ Autonomy vs. Connection • A common tension in intimate relations is between autonomy -the desire to be your own person-and connection- the desire to be close to others • People observe this tension in their children during adolescence ▯ Openness vs. Closedness • Openness- the desire for disclosure and honesty • Closedness- the desire to keep certain facts, thoughts, or ideas to yourself ▯ Predictability vs. Novelty • Predictability- the desire for consistency and stability • Novelty- the desire for fresh new experiences • After 30 years of marriage, John and Kylee were so settled in their new routines that their relationship had become highly predictable. This predictability was comforting, but at times it made their marriage feel mundane and stale. • Characteristics of Roma ntic Relationships o Romantic Relationships and Exclusivity ▯ Romanic relationships ▯ exclusive Communication Review Test #2 ▯ Exclusivity takes the form of monogamy, which means being in only one romantic relationship at a time and avoiding romantic or sexual involvement with others outside of that relationship ▯ Exclusivity is an expression of commitment and faithfulness that romantic partners share and trust each other to uphold ▯ Infidelity: romantic or sexual interaction with someone outside one’s romantic relationship o Romantic Relationships and Voluntariness ▯ People choose for themselves whether to be romantically involved – and if they decide to, they get to select their romantic partner ▯ That expectation presumes that a relationship is satisfying only if both partners have freely chosen to participate in it ▯ Even though romantic relationships are entered into voluntarily, they do not always stay in them voluntarily. Some people are unhappy, but they stay in the relationship anyway because of 6 reasons: • They want to provide stability for their children • Their religious beliefs disallow separation or divorce • They are concerned about the financial implications of separating • They see no positive alternatives to their current relationship • Forming and Communicating in Roma ntic Relationships o Getting In: Stages of Relationship Development ( Mark Knapp suggested that relationship formation has five separate stages ▯ Initiating Stage- occurs when people meet and interact for the first time. When you introduce yourself and ask, “What’s your name?” ▯ Experimenting Stage- this is when you meet someone in whom you’re initially interested. The stage is when you have conversations to learn more about the person. • “What movies do you like?” • These questions are to gain basic knowledge from a potential partner • This stage helps individuals decide whether they have enough in common to move the relationship forward. ▯ Intensifying Stage- the stage in the relationship development at which people move from being acquaintances to being close friends • They start to share more intimate inform ation with each other • They increase their commitment to the relationship and may express it verbally through statements ▯ Integrating Stage- The stage of the relati onship development at which a deep commitment has formed and the partners share a strong sense that the relationship has its own identity • Partners’ lives become integrated and they begin to think of themselves as a pair • Others begin to refer to them as a couple ▯ Bonding- the final stage, in which the partners make a public announcement of their commitment to each other. This might include moving in together, getting engaged or having a commitment ceremony • This stage allows individuals to gain the support and approval of people in their social networks o Individual and Cultural Variations in Relationship formation Communication Review Test #2 ▯ Not every couple goes through the stages of relationship development in the same way. Some may stay in one sta ge, longer than another. o Communicating in Romantic Relationships ▯ Romantic relationships vary in how they handle conflict • Conflict is a common characteristic of many romantic relationships • William Wilmot and Joyce Hocker define conflict as “an expressed struggle between at two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving goals • Partners in a romantic relationship can have conflicts over how they spend money, raise their kids, manage their obligation and enact their sex life • The way couples handle conflict is what influences the success of their relationship • John Gottman has spent many years studying how spouses communicate during conflict and he classified them into four groups o Validating couples : they talk about their disagreements openly and cooperatively and communicate respect for each other’s opinions even when they disagree with them. They stay calm when discussing hotly contested topics o Volatile Couples: they talk about their disagreements openly, but in a competitive way. Each spouse tries to persuade the other to adopt their point of view and their conflicts tend to be marked with negative expressions. Those conflicts are followed by intense periods of affection and “making up” o Conflict-avoiding couples: talk about their disagreements covertly rather than openly. To avoid the discomfort of engaging in conflict directly, then try to defuse negative emotion and focus on their similarities, believing that most problems will resolve themselves ▯ “Agree to disagree” o Hostile conflicts : they have frequent and intense conflict. They use negative emotion disp lays and they engage in personal attacks, insults, sarcasm, and other forms of criticism o Romantic Relationships vary in how they handle privacy ▯ The partners must choose how to manage information they consider to be private ▯ Communication privacy management theory - a theory explaining how people in relationships negotiate the tension between disclosing information and keeping it private ▯ Individuals and couples vary in their approach to privacy. Some are “open books” ▯ uninhibited about disclosing private information to others. Others are discreet, sharing private information with only a few. In most cases, we adapt our disclosure to the people whom we are disclosing, to how much we trust them and how much they have disclosed to us. No matter what our reasons, we should always be aware of information that a romantic partner expects us to keep private. o Romantic relationships vary in how they handle emotional communication Communication Review Test #2 ▯ Emotional communication is important part of most roman tic relationships ▯ The way romantic partners express emotion to each other can say a lot about the quality of the relationship ▯ According to research, one of the most noticeable differences between the communication of those couples will be their expression of emotion st • 1 – happy couples communicate more positive emotion and less negative emotion o They share more affection, use more humor, and communicate more assurances o They maintain a ratio of five positives to one negative nd behavior • 2 – They are more likely to reciprocate expressions of negative emotion o Getting out: Ending Romantic Relationships (5 stages relationships go through when they end) Mark Knapp described these 5 stages ▯ Differentiating: Partners begin to view their differen ces as undesirable or annoying ▯ Circumscribing: When they are in this stage, they begin to decrease the quality and quantity of communication with one another. Their purpose is to avoid conflicts. They start spending more time apart and when they’re together, they do not talk about problems or disagreements. They focus on “safe” topics and issues ▯ Stagnating: This stage is where the relationship stops growing and partners feel as if they are just going through the motions. Partners avoid communicating because they fear it will only lead to conflict ▯ Avoiding: This stage is when they create physical and emo tional distance from each other. Some partners take a direct route to creating distance such as moving out or saying “I can’t be around you right now” ▯ Terminating: This point the relationships is officially judged to be over • Divorce: the legal discontinuation of a marriage • Communicating In Families o The 1 relationship most of us have is with our family members ▯ What Makes a Family? • Many scholars agree that most family relationships have one or more of three important characteristics: genetic ties, Legal obligations, and Role Behaviors ▯ Genetic Ties • Many family members re related by “blood” • They share a specified proportion of their genetic material ▯ Legal Obligations • Legal bonds • Parents have legal obligations toward their minor chil dren • Marriage is the most heavily regulated family relationship from a legal perspective in the U.S. • Adoptive relationships and Domestic partnerships ▯ Role Behaviors • Many people believe the most important characteristic that defines a family is that the people in it act like family Communication Review Test #2 • Family members are expected to enact roles, patterns of behavior that define a person’s function in the group o Living together, taking care of one another, and representing themselves as a family to outsiders o Types of families ▯ Family of origin- the family we grew up in, so it typically consists of our parents or stepparents and any sibling we have ▯ Family of Procreation - the family we start as an adult, our romantic partner and or children they have ▯ Families of origin and families of procreation develop in many forms. The most traditional profile consists of a married woman and man their biological children ▯ nuclear family and it is the traditional form ▯ The blended family is becoming popular • Two adult partners • Children might be adopted, biological and step children ▯ Single-parent family • One adult raises one or more children o Communication Issues in Families ▯ Family Roles: this is the functions people serve in the family system • One person could be the problem solver and another might act as the jokester or the peacemaker • Four roles are common during conflict episodes o The blamer, who holds others responsible for whatever goes wrong, but accepts no responsibility for their behaviors o Placater, the peacemaker who will go to any lengths to reduce conflict. o Computer, who attempts to use logic and reason rather than emotion to defuse the situation o Distracter, who makes random and irrelevant comments so the rest of the family will forget about the conflict ▯ Family Rituals • Repetitive activities that have special meaning for the family • Family rituals provide a sense of belonging • It is better for blended families to develop their own rituals ▯ Family Stories • Family stories give families a sense of history, they express what family members expect of one another, and reinforce connections over generations • 1 they’re told and retold • 2 they convey an underlying message ▯ Family Secrets • Many families have secrets they intentionally keep hidden from others • These contain info that the family considers private and inappropriate for sharing with outsiders • Improving Communication in Intimate Relationships o Go for Fun: Emphasize Excitement and Positivity ▯ “The family that plays together stays together” Communication Review Test #2 ▯ An important way to emphasize positivity in family relationship▯ use CONFIRMING MESSGAES – behaviors that indicate how much we value another person ▯ Disconfirming Messages – behaviors that imply a lack of respect or value for others ▯ Research shows that confirming messages are particularly important in marital relationships ▯ Spouses who have lower positive to negative ratios have an elevated risk of divorce o Deal with the Dark Side: Handle conflict constructively ▯ The way couples argue predicts their chances of staying together ▯ Gottman identified four specific warning signs for separation or relational dissolution: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling ▯ He referred to the as the “Four Horsemen of Apocalypse” • Criticism: Complaints about the other o This is counterproductive when it focuses on people’s personality or character rather than on their behavior • Contempt: Hostile behavior in which they insult each other and attack the other’s self worth o Using sarcasm, making fun of that person and engaging in nonverbal behaviors ▯ eye rolling o Ridiculing that person in front of others • Defensiveness: seeing yourself as a victim and denying responsibility for your behaviors o Defensive people whine, make excuses, and respond to complaints with additional complaints • Stonewalling: withdrawing from the conversation o They act as if they are shutting down o They stop looking at their partners o When people stonewall they feel emotionally and psychologically “flooded” o Push and Pull: Manage Dialectical Tensions ▯ Managing dialectical tensions can improve communication in intimate relationships ▯ Denial: entails only responding to one side of the tension and ignoring the other ▯ Alternation: means going back and forth between the two sides of a tension ▯ Segmentation: dealing with one side of a tension in some aspects of a relationship and with the other side of the tension in other aspects of that relationship ▯ Recalibration: means reframing a tension so the contradiction between the opposing needs disappears ▯ Reaffirmation: simply embracing dialectical tensions as a normal part of life Denial Entails responding to only one side of the tension and ignoring the other. Were Moria to adopt this strategy, she might deny her desire for autonomy and focus all her attention on being connected with Albee. Disorientation Means ending the relationship in which the tension exists. Moria may feel so disoriented by the tension between her desires for Communication Review Test #2 autonomy and connection that she calls off her engagement to avoid it Alternation Means going back and forth between the two sides of the tension. On some days, Moria might act in ways that enhance her autonomy and individuality. On other days, she might act in ways to strengthen her connection to Albee. Segmentation Dealing with one side of the tension in some aspects of a relationship and with the other side of the tension in other aspects of that relationship. Moria might emphasize her connection with Albee by sharing intimate disclosures, but she might stress her auto nomy by keeping her finances separate from his. Rather than going back and forth between the two sides of the tension, as in alternation, she addresses one side of the tension in some segments of her relationship and the other side in other segments. Balance Means trying to compromise or find middle ground, between two opposing forces of a tension. For instance, Moria may disclose most, but not all of her feelings. She may not feel as autonomous as she wants, but she may feel she is satisfying each desir e to some degree. Integration Entails developing behaviors that will satisfy both sides of a tension simultaneously. For example, Moria doing a crossword while Albee watches television Recalibration Means reframing a tension so the contradiction between opposing needs disappears. By communicating about their needs and expectations for the relationship, Moria and Albee might realize that autonomy and connection are both desirable. As a result, they may come to see autonomy and connection as complim entary rather than opposing needs. Reaffirmation Means simply embracing dialectical tensions as a normal part of life. Lecture Notes Intimate Relationships • Nature of Intimate Relationships o Require deep commitment ▯ Your intimate relationships require this ▯ This is one of the essential characteristics of intimate relationships o Foster Interdependence ▯ There is a level of interdependence ▯ “You cannot make out with yourself” ▯ Think of the other person when making a decision o Requires continuous investment ▯ Essential part of intimate relationships ▯ Relationships will not sustain themselves o Spark dialectical tensions ▯ Shared knowledge between others • Dialectical tensions (Polar opposites that are constantly pushing us towards connection) o Autonomy vs. connection ▯ Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you cannot do your own thing ▯ A relationship is how we deal with these tensions ▯ Connection vs. being by yourself Communication Review Test #2 ▯ How do you negotiate time by yourself and spending time with yo ur romantic partner ▯ One way ▯ do whatever you want (it is individually negotiated) ▯ Autonomy ▯ 2 people spending time together, but doing different things o Predictability vs. Novelty ▯ How predictable is that person you’re in a relationship with becoming? ▯ The risk is when it is too predictable ▯ Routines are comfortable ▯ Pure novelty is not always great either ▯ Relationships move towards predictability, but people crave novelty ▯ New style, being with one person is not novel enough o Openness v. closeness ▯ What do I reveal to my partner and what do I keep secret? ▯ How much do I disclose to my partner? ▯ We can control what comes out of our mouth, but it is very hard to control our thoughts • Deception o Information manipulation theory ▯ This theory breaks down dec eption ▯ Conversational implicature: the process of how we converse smoothly. Ex. “Are you wearing a watch?” ▯ You ask a question and they answer and you assume they are following along o Convert violations of conversation principle ▯ Quantity ▯ Quality ▯ Manner ▯ Relevance o People can violate these principles ▯ Flout ▯ Sarcasm is a flout and it is known to others o Deception is violating principles in a secret way o The truth is the FULL STORY o Quantity violation: telling the truth, but leaving out the part that can b e problematic. The truth is being edited so arguments do not arise. o Quality Violation: straight up bold faced lie o Manner violation: extreme ambiguity, saying meaningless things “What are you doing this weekend” “Oh stuff” or “I have plans” o Relevance: changing the subject on purpose o Deception: the result of convert conversational tactics • Deception Detection o Not a single phenomenon mentioned above is a characteristic of deception only o Eye contact cannot detect deception o The notion is that people who are lying have anxiety for a lie detector, but this notion is FALSE o Motivation impairment theory ▯ The more important the lie is to the liar the more chance that it will be discovered through non-verbal behavior ▯ If you are so worried about not giving somet hing away the more you will be found out Communication Review Test #2 o People’s accuracy in detecting lies is slightly above chance ▯ Truth bias: I tend to believe you because we’re friends or family Chapter 9 Communicating in Small Groups • What is a small group? o Working in small grou ps can be stressful and even frustrating o Small Group: a collection of three or more people working cooperatively and interdependently to accomplish a task o They address a broad range of tasks o Characteristics ▯ They are distinguished by their size • Communication scholars consider small groups to include at least 3 members, but no more than 15 to 20 • The size matters because most of us communicate differently in larger and smaller collections of people. When we interact with only one person, we are engaged in interpersonal rather than small group communication. Interpersonal communication usually focuses on the development and maintenance of a personal relationship , small group communication is concerned with the performance of tasks • When we interact with larger groups of people, our communication can become impersonal because we may not know the other group members very well • A small group’s size depends on its purposes o If the small group is a barbershop quartet, it needs exactly four people. • If there are too many members, the group may not have sufficient help to complete its goals • Likewise, if there are too many members, scheduling and coordinating the group’s activities can be cumbersome ▯ Small Groups are interdependent • Interdependence: with respect to groups, a state in which each member of a group affects, and is affected by, every other member • According to the systems theory, members of a small group are also interdependent in the sense that each one affects and us affected by every other member in some way • Interdepence is not always positive ▯ Small Groups are cohesive • To be effective small groups must have cohesion, which means te members work together - as melodies and harmonies do - in the service of a common goal • Two Types of Cohesion o Task Cohesion: the extent to which everyone in the group is working together toward the SAME objectives. Task cohesion is high when everyone knows their specific tasks and follows through with them. o Social Cohesion: the level of positive regard group members have for one another. In high social cohesion, the members generally get along well and maintain positive relationships Communication Review Test #2 among themselves. They trust and listen to one another and they respect one another’s opinions ▯ Small Groups Enforce Rules and Norms • A group’s rules are its explicitly stated principles for governing what its members can and cannot do • Other principles for how group members should behave are never officially stated, however, but seem to be understood implicit ly within the group are called the group’s norms. They are not expressly communicated, but they affect behavior. • Nearly every small group has both rules and norms that its members are expected to follow • Some govern how groups should interact with one ano ther and others dictate how the group should function • Other rules and norms focus on the nature of the group’s mission ▯ Small Groups Include Individual Roles • Roles: patterns of behavior that define a person’s function within a group or a larger organizat ion • Formal Roles: they are specifically assigned to people to help the group fulfill its mission. These types of roles usually receive official recognition both inside and outside the group. • Informal Roles: they are not formally assigned and anyone in th e group can choose to take them on. These roles more frequently relate to how well or poorly the group functions while carrying out its mission, and members take on whichever one fits their personality. ▯ Small groups have their own identities • They define who belongs and who does not • Many small groups have the same experience: once people come together to form a small group, the group takes on its own identity. When that happens, people begin referring to the “the group” as well as to individual members, and they start to think about the group’s needs and desires ▯ Small Groups have distinctive communication practices • 4 Types of Communication within small groups o Problem-Solving: focuses on the
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