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Relational Communications Exam Reviews

by: Kaitlyn Kirkhart

Relational Communications Exam Reviews 4351

Marketplace > Texas State University > Communication Studies > 4351 > Relational Communications Exam Reviews
Kaitlyn Kirkhart
Texas State
GPA 3.3
Relational Communications
Dr. Keeley

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These exam reviews really helped me study for the exams and I hope they can help you too!
Relational Communications
Dr. Keeley
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This 128 page Bundle was uploaded by Kaitlyn Kirkhart on Monday October 5, 2015. The Bundle belongs to 4351 at Texas State University taught by Dr. Keeley in Spring 2015. Since its upload, it has received 13 views. For similar materials see Relational Communications in Communication Studies at Texas State University.

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Date Created: 10/05/15
Relational Comm Review Test 1 05162015 Chapter 1 Conceptualizing Relational Communication A Brief History 0 Interpersonal Comm research started in the 6039s amp 7039s 0 Around that time social psychologists were examining topics such as 1 Love 2 Attraction 3 Social exchange 0 Majority of relations research comes from comm and social psych This helped me important contributions Role Relationships 1 unctional 2 ausal 3 lnvolv e limited ehavioral interdependence one person s behavior somehow affects the other person s behavior and vice versa involve O ll Ii 0 Close or intimate relationships include all the features of interpersonal relationships plus 1 the why we feel happy or sad 2 affection social inclusion and behavioral control o Interpersonal relationship require two individual in uences 0 Ex Offering a friend an encouraging word before going into a test The way you communicate with one friend will be different in some ways form how he communicats with other friends 0 Relationships t into clean categories 0 Ex Best friends 0 Other relationships are blended 0 Ex Best friends who are also roommates hips re unldrstudied compared to others l l Tia HI 1 n r 1L r H uL 5 I n i 7 1i 7 Characteristics Distinguishing Different Rel Voluntary vs Involuntary 0 Ex You can choose your friends vs you cannot chose you family Genetically Related vs Nonrelated 0 Ex Identical twins vs step children 0 Sexual Vs Platonic o Datingmarriage vs family 0 Romantic Vs Nonromantic o Datingmarriage vs friends 0 Ma V Feme Masculine vs Feinine i a lb 57 EH39 quot quotL quot 39 I u I in m u hI Culture and Marriage 0 Some expectations for what constitutes a positive marriage are crosscultural Examples include o o o Other aspects of marriage are considered more culturalspeci c Examples include 0 Traditional roles 0 Role of religion o The exchange of nonverbal andor verbal messages between two people regardless of the relationshipthey share Principles of Interpersonal Communication Consists of nonverbal and verbal messages Facial expressions body and eye movement posture gestures walking style smiling etc silence the way words are pronounced including vocal pitch loudness accent tone speed crying and sighing use of space touch ranging from affection to violent height weight and attractiveness as well was clothing perfume and tattoos objects e Ex Using candles and soft music to set a to romantic mood use of time n Ex Showing up for a date early or late waiting a long or short time for someone Selfdisclosure 1 gtEl39 l gs r i 7 r E E 1 H V Sru D1 5 Bibi7r J L quotL L Principles of Interpersonal Communication 0 One cannot not communication in interpersonal settings 0 People use interpersonal communication to ful ll goals 0 relate to the image we convey Ex L i o relate to how we feel about others including the type of relationships we desire Ex 0 related to accomplishing tasks Ex Making money getting good grades buying a care getting a ride to school and completing a homework assignment a Ex o Interpersonal comm varies in effectiveness with the most effective messages leading to shared meaning between a sender and a receiver Sewzine p 1 Receiver Comm necessitates that a sender encodes a message or a receiver decodes a message L 53133 Haneiver Sender s message is interpreted correctly by a receiver 0 Ex Jake may ask Dave to stay home and help him with his statistics homework and Dave may understand whatJake wants him to do Someone sends an intentional message that the receiver fails to receive 0 Ex You might hint that you want to leave a boring party but our partner fails to get the message E in 0 Someone unintentionally sends a message that is misconstrued by the receiver 0 Ex You may be scowling because you are in a bad mood after a trying day at work but your roommate misinterprets your facial expression as showing anger toward her Someone does not mean to send a message but the receiver observed the behavior and interprets it correctly 0 Ex You might try to hide your joy at acing an exam while your classmate who studies harder than you did poorly but your classmate sees your nonverbal reaction and correctly assumes you did well Principles of Interpersonal Communications 0 Every message contains both content and relational information o Interpersonal comm can be symmetrical or asymmetrical 0 Content Level a message convey information at a literal level Relational level provides a context for interpreting the message of the relationship W fmmET lc witMMETHIE Messages differ form facetoface messages in at least two ways 0 They have more limited capacity for nonverbal cues o A subset of interpersonal communication that focuses on the expression and interpretation of messages within close relationships Principles of Relational Communication Relationships emerge across ongoing interactions Relationships contextualize messages Comm sends a variety of relational messages such as intimacy and dominance Relational comm is dynamic Relational comm follows both linear and nonlinear patterns Chapter 2 Communicating Identity Identity 0 Theory of self that is formed and maintained through actual or imagined interpersonal agreement about what self is like 0 Who we are and it changes threw out your life 0 The way we see ourselves is shaped by your interactions with others including how people respond to us verbally and non verbaHy Ex Smiling someone checking you out could be good or bad 0 Related to self esteem Self esteem how positively vs negatively we see ourselves Social Identity Theory People s concepts of themselves are linked to their membership in social groups 0 Ex Church frat honor s society 0 Social groups can be broad gender or nationality or narrow group of 4 friends 0 Social groups use ingroup behavior to create solidarity and display their identity to outsiders 1 Iersonal the way ercrrie ourselves o i 3151 Earl 11m l 2 nactment the way we comm about ourselves 0 Ex Style 3 Ielationshig the way thatur relationship roles shape ourselves 0 Ex Daughter boss parent h a l 4 Iommuna the way that our ties to groups or communities shape ourselves 0 Ex Rec basketball coach Identity and Social Networking Sites Social networking sites SNS like Facebook are important places where identity is shaped People want to expand their experiences and extend their identities This desire for expansion helps explain why people enter into relationships Relationship is successful when it expands both partner s idntitis 0 There are three types of SNS users Broadcasters identity is major focus 7 jljli39illijdj Shfrmarn My life is re3239 I lam Henrileaf 351mi 3 mm a Ehan icE Itlliui i ifr hillr39i mm 44 If iUD Hl 3i JaE L Hemlinth Much better than ii39i39ill 395 1 in im a melt 39 LJI39ilJi A hernia Eurrris lile39jE we ihELilid all hang our s metime E ENE13391352 nuke I lnteractors relationship development is a major focus LIiIIEE iFIllllEi Illile llFF 39l ilil Ei E mgm ki f I r 39r39 iii quot L J 1 n 39 V i I D 7 a n H j 1 gt4 w l l T Jun55 7 If m I J4 1 IF EFlE iiliSE II Till l 1 dill F l Et 71 l illquot Al mm 739 n in quotl Spies observation is a major focus Emma 1M LEFE H llirIII7III39i7II39Iininthlg fifn i1i L 7 Principles of Identity 1 Provide us with a hierarchical structure of who we are O 2 Are shaped through interaction and feedback form others the looking glass self 4 Incorporate expectations and guide behavior E 12 are 0 t 4 5 In uence our evaluations and expectations including self ful lling prophecies 0 Ex quotIf I nish my PhD Dquot to When I nish my PhD Dquot o 6 Determine the likelihood of goal achievement o 7 In uence the social relationships we will pursue or maintain 0 Ex Telling your husband not to call your bad names quotlaid1 0 Issues Related to Self Presentation 0 SelfPresentation portraying a particular image of self to others 0 Ex Social Media 0 Sifts in selfpresentations are generally used to highlight rather than inventing certain aspects of self 0 Highlight aspects of the self that are contextually appropriate i an importatcomponnt of cmmunication competence Selfpresentations that are perceived to be deceptive often lead to negative consequences Selfpresentation is usually done without much thought but sometimes becomes a conscious more deliberate activity turgical Perspective on SelfPresentation 1 As Shakespeare wrote all the world is a stagequot with people performing their identity differently depending to the audience 0 People engage in both front and backstage behaviors o EX Walking in your underwear or burping o Ex How you wantpeople to see you xi Dramaturgical Perspective on SelfPresentation SelfPresentation frontstage behavior is especially important when 0 We are presenting our core identity 0 Vital positive or negative consequences are at stake 0 Value rles ofvconductmust e followed TV r quot l w a 4 m 9 F p lar 4 II j i ll 1 O Politeness Theory Threats to face are an inherent part of social interaction 0 the favorable image that a person presents and hopes to have validated by others re ects the desire to be liked Ex Telling someone that they are so pretty and smart to come across as a very encouraging person 0 Negative Face a person s desire to be free form imposition and restraint and to have control of her or his time property space and resources Ex Someone is moving and needs your help but you do t have imef J inquot Preventative Facework Strategies that help minimize or prevent potential threats to face include o Disclaimers Ex quotNo offense butquot Ex Beating around the bush 0 Verbal handicapping Ex quotI just wanted to let you know that I m sick sol won t be y lod during my speech todayquot Corrective Facework 0 Strategies that people use to repair a damaged face 0 Aggression o Avoidance 0 Apologies 0 Accounts Your story their story 0 Physical remediation Ex Broke something buy a new one 0 Humor Chapter 3 Drawing People Together Types of Attraction 1 Physical 2 Social 3 Task 4Sexual 1 Personal Qualities and Preferences 0 Perceptions of Reward Value what we look for in others based on personal preferences o Expectancies what we expect other people to be like sometimes based on stereotypes or past experiences o l 7 Biological effect levels of hormones like Oxytocin in uences our attraction to others lGrTlh H LuzE aqu Ilul ne39 L 1am and 0quot I la y 1 n In r39 quot39I M1Iga IWI39EL39Hirgei afnjifl aquot a Hemline lE ib tk in L39i quot In 2 ff 1 Ha m39 zrn T39LH 712 quot j39 I P I39al39lill39l ijt Excess i IEIIiELD iln39lf U a39 Lin In N u Ign H as a y 1quot nH EH I L33 HE E lnnnlr ff i39 Tw aqu39A r A U 1 IL 15 Fl 391 II 39r J El g39s 39 39 i HI JE Ii 0 39 39illiiiLi39iIlE Personal Qualities and Preferences 0 Demographic Differences 0 Sex and gender 0 Age 0 Sexual orientation 0 Personality differences 0 Attachment style Relationship beliefs 0 o Selfesteem o Narcissism v quot 1 r 39 i i J 4 Other People s Qualities 0 Physical Appearance 0 Personal and cultural preferences Coloring Weight Height 0 UniversaIIyheld Preferences 0 Body and Facial symmetry Body Proportionalitythe Golden Ratio Waisttohip Ratio Koninophilia Facial Neoteny and Maturity O O O O The Halo Effect 0 The perception that quotwhat is beautiful is goodquot J Ki Interaction Appearance Theory 0 People appear more physically attractive when they have warm communication styles H illllli L In 239 j I l llll i l l Li w it dil The Assimilation Effect 0 People bene t by being associated with physically attractive people 1 Other People s Qualities o Interpersonal Communication Skills 0 Warmth sociability and competence o Dominance vs altruistic behavior 0 The lossgain effect 0 The HardToGet Phenomenon Qualities of the Pair 0 Similarity Do Bird of a Feather Really Flock Together 0 In attitudes Reinforcement effect 0 In communication skill o In physical appearance Matching hypothesis 0 In musical preferences 0 Implicit egotism o The role relationship commitment plays in the importance of similarity scomplementarity 391 H TilEFHEEEEE39EIIEJEEIEEEEEfilm Qualities of Physical or Social Environment 0 Physical Environment 0 Reinforcement affect model 0 Excitation transfer 0 Physical proximity Features of social networking sites 0 Social environment 0 Approval form family and friends 0 The Romeo and Julietquot effect Chapter 4 Making Sense of Our World Uncertainty Not always a bad thing 0 High Uncertainty feeling unsure or insecure about your ability to predict or explain someone s attitudes and behaviors o H Some people like this o feeling con dent in your ability to predict and explain someone s behavior often becuase you believe you know someone well 0 I LIKE THIS BETTER mostly because of the con dence I have in someone 0 Even if you ve been with someone for 40 years there s still going to be uncertainty 0 Relationships are dynamic Types of uncertainty 0 Self Uncertainty uncertainty about your own feelings and how involved you want to be in a relationships if Ed 1 A A a 0 Partner uncertain uncertainty about your partner s feelings and intentions including whether your partner reciprocates your feeHngs o l i i i u 0 Relationship Uncertainty uncertainty about the general state of your relationship Any of these could mess with your relationship 0 They can all intertwine Uncertain Reduction Theory Issues and Challenges 0 Are people always motived to reduce uncertainty 0 Uncertainty Management Theory 0 Dialectics Theory 0 Cultural differences in uncertainty tolerance W 7 trquot 5 if i ll E i u Does information always recue uncertainty 0 Uncertaintyincreasing behaviors 4 Uncertainty Reduction Strategies 0 unobtrusive observation 0 Watching them i iu 24 77 J In a j 7 Eu a anteL I n t n 4 a 0 Active using third parties or manipulating the environment o Extractive noninteractive online information seeking strategies 0 Ex Social media l 5 Secret tests 0 Ex Asking third party tests Directness tests Triangle tests a Active Separation Tests Endurance tests Public presentation tests Indirect suggestion tests Predicted Outcome Value Theory THINK REWARD Outcome Values predictions about how rewarding or unrewarding future interactions with a particular person to be with F r I V 7 V39 r 1 0 High outcome value a person is perceived to be more rewarding than the other potential partners 0 Low outcome value a person is perceived to be less rewarding than other potential partners You also compare it to other people out there Ex Different goals different religions etc i i r 1 quot Hn E I i O Predictions from Predicted Outcome Value Theory 0 We initially reduce uncertainty as a way of nding how we feel about a person or an interaction 0 Once uncertainty is reduced outcome values predict information seeking such that o liking and more information seeking Theory of Motivated Information Management Basically managing the relationship Uncertainty discrepancy as the engine to the information management process If there is a discrepancy individuals decide whether and how to seek information based on o The outcome expectancy If you don t change it you might not want to know it The ef cacy assessments a Can you cope with the information 0 Ex Your partner might be cheating on you but you don t want to know the certainty o Applies to turbulent episodes in relationships 0 Changes in relationship commitment 0 Personal crisis event 0 Two experiences common to turbulent episodes 0 Partner annoyances o Relational uncertainty 0 Ex The rst time you have sex it gets really serious this could create turbulence l a w Expectancy Violations Theory 0 what people expect in a given situation based on what normally occurs with that person andor in that relationship ive expectancies what people expect based on general norms and rules of appropriateness 0 Just in general not just fwith that person o o What are your expectations o It could be from the two people Expectancies How expectancies develop 0 Communicator characteristics 0 Relationship characteristics Ex FBO o Context situation and culture Expectancy violations 0 Positive violation the behavior is better than the expected behavior o V 7 5 V 0 Negative violation the behavior is worse than the expected behavior o Response to Expectancy Violation 0 Response to expectancy violations depend on o The positive or negative interpretation of the behavior 0 The readiness of the person who is violated expectancies Elite 39H at 4 Faquot ii J I J i n quot L 5 r lla 1 F J girlt1 Hit am Mg D 4 7 u 1 I a 39 l i i r I 5 Ir y 7 J I gt L r T r L ll r u r V J l l I l 7 H L 7 I IL 7 j i l V 739 739 n J r i quotw j 1 z m M a 1 LL 1 Di 7 a l E u L1 h L F J f 1 K Va 7 i I 39 P l j u a I r L 7 i L L L 1 ts u i r 1 1 C 39 L r i r r 1 3 J E Type of Expectancy Violations in Coles Relationships Criticism or accusation Relationship escalation Relationship deescalation Uncharacteristic relational Social behavior Transgressions Acts of devotion Acts of disregard Gestures of inclusion mNGWDWNE Speci c Contexts for Application Flirtation and sexual activity First dates Hurtful events Modality switches the modes of communication RWN 0 Ex People who have only been communicating online start to communicate facetofae Chapter 5 Changing Relationships Communication Skills for Forming New Relationships 0 Relationship Initiation Emotional support Negative assertion Con ict management Selfdisclosure Relationship Stages 0 Stage models depict relationship development and disengagement as largely linear processes 0 Two popular stage models are 0 Altman and Taylor s Social Penetration Theory 0 Knapp s staircase Model L l t i ii hmj 7 1 The Staircase Model of Relationship Stages 0 Not always linear They jump around a lot ll mm D minimum iii 9 mm 1 mattheir liner Binsmilitia Eit l39eran ai ng rtull nwilim intiman Swirling Ewane minisling Initiating T imating Knapp Relationship il39ullrjeli Stage 1 lnitiating Coming Togetherquot 0 Small talk Focuses on initial encounters greeting rituals and opening lines o Super cial stuff Disclosures are low in breadth depth frequency and duration 0 People make key decisions about how rewarding they expect the relationship Du 77 l m L 539 g I i ute trialledquotE Stage 2 Experimenting 0 Small talk breadth over depth with positive valence o The amount of stuff you talk about 0 Establishing similarities and differences 0 Most relationships casual friends acquaintances do not move beyond tstae J Li 3 a H i t l n n O r a i I Lil81 i ln i 7 15 L r 39 quot u i L n Ll l 39l w Stage 3 lntensifying 4 Increased contact 0 More indepth disclosure 0 More relationship negotiating discussing feelings and state of the relationship 0 More social support 0 Using future tense and we instead of I 17 E Q i z i h LL n l u l n 7 u Ir 7 J7 fill a H l e i g 7 j I j 1de 1 a L a a I quoth 77 L 71 l w 3 FEEL i D i 7 a LL l in Stage 4 Integrating Engaged quotCouplingquot occurs both within an outside the dyad so that the dyad has a relational identity Social networks attitudes and preferences often merge Can sometimes nish each other s sentences More freedom to disclose negative information High levels of disclosure depth and readth f 3 Stage 5 Bonding Public commitment via social rituals such as marriage Relationship often becomes institutionalized Signi cant barriers to break up are erected such as merged social networks and shared possessions Stage 1 Differentiating Goal of people in this stage to maintain or reassert individual identity and autonomy 0 People start acting as individuals rather than as a couple emphasize differences at the expense of similarities 0 Many relational partners go through this phase without proceeding toward relational termination Stage 2 Circumscribing o Comm becomes hard in both breath and depth 0 Partners begin to feel that they have nothing to talk about 0 The closeness that people once felt may seem to be eroding 0 People feel frustrated distant and misunderstood Some circumscribing can be normal and healthy in relationships efforts to rennect may still be sccessful Communication becomes tense and awkward People often feel that hey already know what their partner will say or the outcome of interaction will always be negative 0 Some couples who reach this stage eventually nd a way to revive their relationship but it s dif cult Stage 4 Avoiding 0 Primary characteristic physical separation sometimes as a testing ground and psychological distance 0 Partners make efforts to avoid seeing each other and avoid talking to each other O Stage 5 Terminating o Breakup stage 0 People develop their own selfinterest and social networks work to move onquot o If comination occurs it is usually tense awkward and hesitant Wt O Turning Points 0 Turing points are any event or occurrence that is associated with change in a relationships Ex Saying quotI love youquot Ex A rst kiss Ex Engagement Ex Retirement Ex Having a parent die Ex Empty nesters o In contrast to stage approaches the turning point approach depicts relationship development as largely nonlinear Studies suggest that around 5060 of close relationships follow a nonlinear developmental path OOOOOO Types of Turning Points Types of Turning Points Communicationbased o Gettoknow time quality communication Activities and special occasions Passion and romance Commitment and exclusivity I o Extenl competitinseriou51ommitment quota 7 G a 3i Changes in Families and Social Network s 0 Changes in family membership 0 Interferences form a romantic partner or other third party Proximity and distance 0 Separations and reunions Distanceindependence form parents Becoming roommates Moving out 000 Types of Con ict changes Crisis and con ict 0 Con ict and disengagement 0 Crisis situations support and sacri ce 0 Making up Perceptual changes 0 Positive psych change 0 Negative psych change The Dialectal Perspective Relationships are dynamic rather than statistic entities In healthy relationships people adapt to one another s changing needs by managing dialectical tensions These tensions are communicated discursively The Dialectic of integration ConnectionAutonomy messages about wanting to be close to one s partner but also wanting personal freedom 0 Ex I like you but I need some time alonequot 0 Ex Dr Keeley needs connection because she s used to being a twin Her husband needs autonomy to have alone time I 3 lnclusionSeclusion messages about wanting to go spend time as a couple with one s social network but also wanting to spend time alone 0 Ex It s great that you want to spend time together but sometimes I feel like you don t want to be around my friendsquot Relational Dialects Theory Discursive tensions manifest in messages that have two seemingly contradictory meanings 0 Ex Sarcasm Tensions can be internal or external 0 Internal within the relatinal dyad 5 a r ii H 0 External a couple s interaction with people outside of the dyad o L The Dialectic of Certainty PredictabilityNovelty message that suggest the importance of routine and consistency as well was spontaneity and novelty 0 Ex I like that we go to the movies a lot but maybe we should try something newquot 0 Ex Dr Keeley s fatherinlaw likes to have steak every Saturday afternoon 0 Ex Being spontaneous and ordering random things at a restaurant ConventionalityUniqueness couples communicate in ways that adhere to social norms but also in ways that allow them to be seen as special and unique 0 Ex quotI d like to please our parents but we need to be true to ourselvesquot The Dialect Talking of Expression OpennessCloseness communication re ects that partners are open in some respects but not others 0 Ex quotI tell you almost everythingquot 0 Ex Dr Keeley isfvery open in class RevelationConcealment communication allows people to share information with their social network while also keeping some information privet 0 Ex quotLook I don t want to get into the details but we have our share of problems just like everyone elsequot Managing the Dialectical Tensions Selection Deciding to value one side of the dialectic more than the other Flam a hunri a e iti fl Fascia Elgar 9 ml a wfl39i39E f Ii 1 r 11 E quot r 11 jt in a J in f 1 r m Separating favoring different sides of the dialectic at different times O 0 Cyclic Alternation cycling back and forth between the two cycles 0 Topical Segmentation emphasizing different sides of the dialectic based on topic or context Managing the Dialectical Tensions Neutralization avoiding full engagement of either side of the dialectic o Moderation striving to reach a midpoint o Disquali cation striving to be ambiguous so nether side of the dialectic is engaged Reframing adjusting perceptions so that the dialects are viewed as complementary rather than contradictory 0 Ex quotIf I told her everything all the time there wouldn t be anything new or interesting left for us to talk aboutquot Dialectics and Their Management Through Cell Phone Use 0 Partners experience and manage autonomy connecting through texts and calls 0 Most common dialectical con icts 0 Ex quotMy partner calls or texts too muchquot vs My partner doesn t call or text enoughquot 0 Ex quotMy partner monitors my calls or textsquot Vs My partner doesn t return calls 0 textsquot O h 7 a 777 Dialectical Tensions in Friendships Independentdependent Expressiveprotection Judgmentacceptance Affectioninstrumentality Publicprivate Idealreal Ealniapan ant Answer the following questions 0 Brie y summarizedescribe your interpersonal needs 0 l have always been aware that I grew up in a family that was very affectionate but little did I know how this would shape me into the woman I am today With my parents and brother constantly telling me I love youquot and having plenty of hugs for all of us to go around it should not come as a surprise to me that my basic overall personality tested high in inclusion Literally in every category I am considered high except for expressing control where I received a medium score Therefore my interpersonal needs can be demanding without my intention I like to feel valued and include by everyone even acquaintances or people I don t know It might be strange to others but my mentality has always been the more the merrier However this can become detrimental to my interpersonal relationships by not getting enough quality time with the people closets to me and vice versa I like deep conversations with my friends or even strangers which calls for a lot of exhausting emotions at time but I consider it worth it I expect a lot from my few closest friends and even from causal friends When I do not receive the love I feel I deserve it can be damaging to our relationship and even at times lead to the relationship terminating 0 Brie y describe your relationship with Person A eg type of relationship friend or romantic length of time bene ts amp challenges about the relationship etc 0 My relationship with my best friend LL is one of the most rewarding relationships l have ever been in I met her when she was an incoming freshman at Texas State and l was a sophomore so I felt like I should take her under my wing and help nd her own church body to get poured into She ended up choosing the same college ministry that I go to and our relationship quickly started to deepen as her rst semester went on By the second semester we started to rely on each other as best friends and we both found this to be bene cial for our walks with Jesus and having someone constantly hang out with for a laugh Now we have been best friends for only a year but it feels like we have been best friends our whole lives Apart of this is our communication style We are not afraid to confront each other about serious things in our relationship or give an encouraging word the other one is in tears 0 Discuss how Person A satis esd your personal needs for each of the three categories Are there needs that Person A does not satisfy If so how has this affected your relationship 0 LL satis es my personal needs in inclusion control and affection exceptionally I honestly had so many of my close friend not meet my needs so many times so if I were to get hurt constantly again I wouldn t want to be the effort in the relationship anymore However LL does She invites me to social events such as two stepping or worship nights that she hears about and in hopes that will tag along with her However one thing I admire about LL is that we are still independent people so if I cannot go to an event that she has invited me to she will not be disappointed or upset with me She just more so invites me because she knows it would be far more fun to engage in an activity that we both enjoy In terms of controlling the relationship I do not think one of us is more controlling than the other We both value wellstructured information so I think we both bene t from this because it is a givetake relationship She discloses information and do the same back At this point in our relationship it is a predictive expectancy which is bene cial because I value low uncertainty Lastly LL satis es my affection inclusion by wanting to have a deep relationship with me It is great because she craves the same too However she is not physically affectionate at all which is ne with me but she has to get over me accidentally touching her arm or hugging while we re together For LL physical affection can actually get so bad that she gets anxious Sometimes I just do it to mess with her This puts the cherry on top of our goofy but deep relationship that we are so blessed to have 0 Brie y describe your relationship with Person B eg type of relationship friend or romantic length of time best thing about the relationship bene ts and challenges about the relationship etc o 0 How did Person B satisfy or NOT satisfy your personal needs In what ways did this impact your overall assessment of the relationship 0 0 How successful were you in satisfying Person A and Person B s needs surmise about this do NOT complete the full test for each of the two people 0 o In what ways do you communicate your needs to those close to you Are you mostly successful or are you dissatis ed with the way that you communicate your needs to those close to you How will you change your communication to more closely meet your needs 0 o What are your current expectationsbottomlinedeal breakers for your close relationships 0 o What conclusions can you make about how your needs expectations and past relationships currently impact your communication in your close relationships 0 Chapter 6 Revealing and Hiding Ourselves SelfDisclosure and Privacy o Is communication that reveals something about the self s to others 0 I like receptacle selfdiscover o It creates intimacy 0 There are appropriate levels of selfdiscloser 0 You risk yourself to someone Dimension of SelfDisclosure Social Penetration Theory selfdisclosure usually increases gradually as people develop their relationships Breadth range of topics Depthintimacy level Freguency number of times 0 Duration length of interaction Valence positive or negative content 0 Ex If you disclose your dreams your warm feelings for someone your happiest childhood memories the self disclosure has a negative valance Veracity truthfulness 0 Ex When people like others they sometimes exaggerate their positive personal qualities to try and make a positive rst impression Factors affecting whether discloser is related to liking Time disclosure 0 Ex Don t self disclose 5 minutes right before the person leaves 0 Ex Do you self disclose in the morning because you re a morning person Probably not a good idea if the other person it a night owl Personalistic versus indiscriminate disclosure 0 The Channel 0 Ex Social media 0 The Receiver s Response SelfDisclosure and Liking The DisclosureLiking Hypothesis when people selfdisclose to one another they tend to like one another more 0 You disclose and like them a lot more 0 The LikingDisclosure Hypothesis when people like someone they tend to disclose to himher more 0 You already like them Personalitstic disclosure is the channel or means by which someone discloses and the patern s response to disclosure 0 Ex Social Media and blogs 0 Ex Facebook message vs Facebook wall It s more personalitstic to send a message lntensi cation Effect personal selfdisclosure produces more intense feelings of closeness and liking in computermediated contexts than facetoface interactions Reciprocity of Disclosure The Dyadic Effect in the initial stages of relationships self disclosure is often reciprocal when it is not relationships are less likely to develop 0 Research also suggests that individuals who violate the norm of reciprocity are perceived as cold incompetent unfriendly and untrustworthy Directed vs nondirected self disclosure 0 Delay in reciprocation Online Disclosure People are more likely to selfdisclose on social networking sites if they 0 Believe that online communication is an essential tool for forming and developing social connections 0 Do not have a preference for online communication over face toface communication 0 Fear of or rejection 0 Fear of retaliation or angry responses 0 Fear of loss of control 0 Fear of losing one s individuality Communication Privacy Management Theory 0 Communication Privacy Management CPM theory helps explain how individuals maintain privacy boundaries 0 The theory explains how individuals maintain privacy by setting up boundary structures to control the risks inherent in disclosing private information 0 Boundary structures are based on two elements 0 Ownership who has the right to control the information o Permeability rules govern who can access the information that we own Principles of Communication Privacy Management 1 The rules of communication boundary management are in uenced by ve main factors 1 Culture n Ex Dr Keeley s mother was raped and felt like she couldn t talk to anyone about it That s why Dr Keeley felt like there were a lot of secrets in the house 2 Personality n Ex I m an open book I have to be careful about who I tell information to because it might make some people who are more to themselves uncomfortable 3 The relationship a What s the severity of the secret Are they worth sharing it with others 4 Sexgender n Women are more likely to reveal more 5 Motivations n Ex Maybe you re concerned about the person so you selfdisclose so that they openup too Ex 911 2 Successful boundary management often requires cooperation between people 3 Coowners of information sometimes undergo boundary turbulence which occurs when new events force renewed boundary management through 0 Forti cation of boundaries 0 Renegotiation of boundaries 0 Boundary insiders successful boundary management often requires cooperation between people 0 Ex Secrets held by an entire family like not telling anyone they are on welfare require that all family members agree to keep the relevant information private which means that they must coordinate their boundary structures and rules on that particular issue 0 Boundary turbulence coowners of information sometimes undergo this 0 Ex When people s lives change topics previously avoided future of relationship may become acceptable topics after marriage proposal Topics Commonly Avoided or Kept Secret 0 A wide variety of topics are avoided or kept secret within relationships 0 ln romantic relationships and friendships the three most common secrets are 1 Dating or sexual history 2 An affair 3 Personality opinion con icts Topics Commonly Avoided or Kept Secret 0 ln families the three most common secrets are 1 Finances Ex Dr Keeley s twin sister keeping how much her and husband because they decided that boundary 2 Substance abuse 3 Premarital pregnancy 0 Families also keep secrets in different ways 1 Whole Family Secrets held by the entire family and kept from outsiders 2 lntrafamily Secrets some family members have information they keep from other members 3 Individual Secrets information is held by a single individual and kept secret form other family members Topics Commonly Avoided or Kept Secret 0 Other commonly avoided topics include o The state of the relationship 0 Dangerous behaviors drinking drugs 0 Religion 0 Negative experiences and failures Motivations for Topic Avoidance RelationshipBased 0 Relationship Protection people are worried that their partner will disapprove they will likely keep something to themselves o l 0 Relationship Deescalation Ex During the break up stages of relationships partners may distance themselves from the other by shutting down communication and withholding previously shared information o IndividualBased 0 Identity Management one of the main reasons people avoid discussing certain issues is that disclosure on certain topics may make them look badquot 0 Privacy Maintenance Ex You may become annoyed with a friend who wants to know all the details about your romantic relationship or who constantly asks you how well you did on exams or terms papers In response as a way to protect you privacy you may refuse to answer your friend s questions and avoid bringing up any topics in the future 0 InformationBased 0 Pattern unresponsiveness people may choose to avoid disclosure because they suspect that the other person will nd the disclosure trivial not respond in a helpful way or lack the request knowledge to response o w o Futility of Discussion motivation has received less attention than the others it may play an important role in people s decision to withhold information Ex Knowing that your partner will never understand why you loaned a lot of money to a friend may make you keep that information a secret Ex Having different religions o i 0 Communication lnefficacy people often avoid a topic or keep something secret because they don t feel they have the communication skills to bring up the topic or maintain discussion in a competent and effective manner Topic Avoidance During Relationship Transitions In romantic relationships 0 During the transition from a causal to committed relationship In family relationships 0 During midadolescence 0 When children feel caught in the middle of the divorced parents Consequences of Topic Avoidance Avoidance is generally associated with less relational satisfaction but there are exceptions Avoidance may only be harmful when the topic being avoidant is relevant to the relationship The Standards for Openness Hypothesis 0 The perception of a partner s avoidance is harmful to relationship satisfaction to the extent that it comes across as a sign of a bad relationship Consequences of Secret Keeping 0 Why is it hard to keep a secret o Hyperaccessibility and the rebound effect Hyperaccessibility secrets require people to avoid disclosing information to others people often try to suppress the information and thoughts related to that secret n Ex Do not thinks of dancing elephants Now that you have been asked to not think about that you probably will anwmoagfmm Eng quot Rebound Effect triggering of thought that is normally suppressed This effect will make it dif cult for people to keep other secretes The fever model of selfdisclosure a People who are distressed about a problem or who think about a problem a lot are much more likely to reveal thoughts and feelings about the problem than are those who are not experiencing anxiety about anriissue El 0 Negative Consequences O O O O 0 Self esteem Lower quality interaction with people from who the secret is kept Concealment of relational problems and related deception Depression stress aggression Split loyalty pattern secret keepers are often put in a bind of having to choose between being loyal to other secret holders or being loyal to friends or family members how may be hurt by not knowing the secret mic 0 Positive Consequences 0 Identity formation in midadolescence o Cohesion and trust between secret holders 0 Protection and defense 0 Stress relief due to not having to talk about certain issues with others 0 Preservation of privacy The DecisionMaking Process for Revealing Secrets o If the secret isn t troubling someone it is easy to keep o If the secret is troubling people determine whether an appropriate con dant is available o If an appropriate con dant is available the secret is shared with him or her if not the secret is kept Chapter Summary Chapter 7 Communicating Closeness Affection and Social Support Types of closeness in Relationships probably going to want all three 1 sharing spatial proximity and psychical contact 0 How much do you want to be in people s shared space and touch 2 having a sense of shared experiences trust enjoyment concern and caring 0 Ex Going threw a class together someone broke your heart 3 having strong enduring and diverse forms of interdependence 0 Time for a lot of people and a sense for the future 0 Ex Hooking up with someone but there being not being a relationship Communicating Closeness Affectionate communication behavior that communicates feelings of fondness and positive regard 0 Ex Getting a friend a cup of coffee or even physical affection 0 Both a need an emotion o lmmediacy behavior that increases physical and emotional closeness signals warmth and promotes involvement between people 0 Ex Finishing each other s sentences 0 Ex Tangible support getting someone gas cleaning the house 0 Social Support verbal and nonverbal behavior produced with the intention of providing assistance to others these behaviors often communicate concern and caring Affectionate Communication 0 As a critical incident in the development of close relationships The Paradox of Affection Though affection is often intended and usually perceived by others to be a positive communicative move it can back re for a number of reasons and produce negative outcomes 0 Ex You try and to be affectionate but it ends up being bad 1 Affectionate communication facilitates survival because it helps people develop and maintain relationships that provide them with important resources People who display affectionate communication are more likely to perceived as having the skills necessary to be a good parent thereby attracting more potential mates 0 Ex Marriages are happier if they share a 30 second kiss once a day 0 Ex Biological sons get more affection vs adopted son and it with straight vs homosexual They feel like they either will carry on the bloodline or not People are motivated to show affectionate communication to people who can help them meet needs related to viability survival and fertility reproduction In line with these predications giving and receiving affection is associated with wellbeing and better physical health Direct and Verbal Affectionate Communication Selfdisclosure 0 Ex quotI like youquot Direct emotional expressions Compliments and praise Assurances 0 Ex We re going to be together foreverquot Direct and Nonverbal Affectionate Communication Social meaning model of nonverbal communication some nonverbal behaviors have strong consensual meanings across different context 0 Ex Smiling usually signals friendliness and hugs usually communicate affection regardless of the situation Physical contact and close distracting 0 Ex Kissing Eye behavior Vocalic Behavior 0 Ex Voices higher more affection Indirect and Nonverbal Affectionate Communication Ex Someone puts a period at the end of the sentence out of order to show that they are mad Ex Have someone talk to someone about how their friend likes them Ex having your brother gives you something to read and you discuss it later Support behaviors involve giving someone emotional or instrumental support 0 Doing things for you surviving Idiomatic behaviors a ritual Speci c meaning only to people in particular relationship 0 Ex Inside jokes 0 Ex Pet names Immediacy Behavior Also called positive involvement 0 Close and warm you re feeling with each other Verbal Immediacy includes 0 Inclusive immediate and active word choice Ex We usquot 0 Personal forms of address Ex Dr Keeley s husband called another woman quotHunquot and she didn t like it Ex Chris as opposed to Dr Rodriguezquot 0 Depth of disclosure 0 Relationship indictors Ex FBO wedding rings matching tshirts calling your friend best friendquot for the rst time lmmediacy Behavior 0 Nonverbal lmmediacy includes 0 ulesic Behaviors Indirect behavior Eye contact and gaze n Known as the windows of your soul Pupil dilation a You eyes dilate if you re attracted to someone o l i as 0 Spatial or Proxemics Behaviors Indirect behavior Intimate and personal distances signals the level of closeness in the relationship a Ex The example Dr Keeley gave about the proximity of men and women while standing I Study39s found that a higher level of closeness for toughing couples than nontouching couples Body angle The physical plane o Tactile or Haptic Behaviors Direct behavior Touch helps escalate romantic relationships from causal to serious Hugs kisses and touches to the face are especially affectionate o lmmediacy Behavior 0 Body movement or Kinesics o Nodding 0 Open and relaxed body positions 0 Smiling 0 Body synchrony Ex Matching friend physically like crossing legs together Vocalic Communication 0 Animation in pitch rate amplitude and duration 0 Vocal warmth Chronemic Behaviors o Spending time together 0 Waiting for someone and being on time o Focuses on explaining the intimacy process by combining behaviors perception physical arousal social cognition and relational outcomes 0 Ex lf Dan hugs Kevin after he scores a goal during a soccer game Kevin might feel heightened arousal joy and pride because Dan s gesture af rms that he is highly values and both a friend and teammate Highly arousing behavior elicits negative reactions ght or ight response 0 Moderate arousing behavior can lead to either positive or negative responses depending on six cognitive valences 0 Ex When you get aroused you will change your behavior you re either going to like it or not 0 are The Cognitive Valences Culture 0 Ex Kissing the wife of a friend goodbye would often be appropriate in the USA but not in the Arad countries 0 Personality o A hug or a personal disclosure may be appreciated by one person but not by another Rewardingness of partner 0 Interpersonal valence refers to the degree to which someone is considered attractive People who are physically attractive have high social standing possess positive personality traits and are similar to the receiver are regarded as highly rewarding The relationship 0 Ex Too much touch or selfdisclosure on a rst date is often a turnoff yet the same amount of touch or selfdisclosure form a anc or fianc e would be warmly accepted The situation 0 Ex It was a Wednesday night and he was drunk The bottom line is this lmmediacy must be situational appropriate If Dan increases immediacy with Kevin during a private conversation his selfdisclosure is likely to be regarded positively Temporary states 0 Everyone has bad days and good days intellectually emotionally and physically Ex quotNot tonight dear I have a headachequot Supportive Communication expressing care concern and empathy 0 Ex Sometimes you just need a friend to vent to Informational support giving speci c advice including facts and information that might help someone solve a problem 0 Ex Studying for a test with someone 0 Ex Mentoring someone Esteem Support making someone look good Used to bolster someone s selfworth by making her or him feel values admired and capable 0 Ex quotYou look beautiful todayquot Tangible aid providing physical assistance goods or services Network support involves directing someone to a person or group who can help because they have had similar experiences The Dual Process Model of Supportive Communication The dual process model of supportive communication addresses these and other issue by outlining the process that occurs when people receive and respond to supportive messages 0 Ex Kevin might try and comfort Jennifer after she nds out that her aunt has been diagnosed with breast cancer but Jenifer might prefer not to talk about it and be too upset to really process what Kevin is saying In this case the dual process model suggests that whether or not Jennifer feels better is dependent on environmental cues Invisible vs visible Support The Invisible Support Phenomenon support attempts to go unnoticed by recipients are highly effected in reducing distress 0 People may want to be viewed as autonomous and capable rather than dependent and needy 0 Ex IfJennifer s aunt dies he might do something like cook her dinner or be extra affectionate while they are watching funny movie Visual support messages are especially ineffective when they imply that they distressed person is incompetent Invisible support messages especially effective when they are responsive in terms of validating the distressed person 0 Highly PersonCentered message acknowledges elaborates on and validated the feelings and concerns of the distressed person are especially comforting 0 Ex I d be frustrated to get a C too especially if I studied hard and was as smart as you are I bet you ll gure out a how to do better next time Moderately PersonCentered messages acknowledges the distressed person s feelings but they do not help the distressed person contextualize or elaborate on his or her feelings 0 Ex I ll bet the test was really hard so you shouldn t feel so badquot Low PersonCenteredness message implicitly or explicitly deny the legitimacy of the distressed person s feelings 0 Ex quotIt s only one test so don t make a big deal out of itquot Messages that combine high personcenteredness and high levels of nonverbal immediacy are most effective Nonverbal Ways of Providing comfort and Social Support Hugs 419 of accounts Close proxemics distancing 409 Facial expression 387 Attentiveness 377 Increased miscellaneous touch 344 Pats 269 Eye contact 237 Sex Difference sin the Experience and Expression of Closeness Both men and women value close relationships Men s friends show closeness primarily through shared interests and actives argentic friendship o Agentic friendship focuses on companionship and shared aches Ex Sharing adventures telling stories doing physical labor working on a joint project taking a shing trip and serving in the army Women s friends show closeness primarily threw selfdisclosure and affectionate nonverbal communication expressive friendship o involves using emotionally charged nonverbal and verbal communication during conversations showing nonverbal affection talking about fears and shopping People who prefer or have a lot of crosssex nds tend to communicate in less stereotypically feminine or masculine ways in their friendships 0 Women s samesex friendships were generally perceived to be higher closeness common interest caring and trust than men s samesex friendships However this difference disappeared or reversed when preferences for samesex versus crosssex friendships were considered Chapter Summary ReadiU Chapter 8 Making a Love Connection Style of Love and Attachment Distinguishing Love form Liking o Loving and liking are related but qualitatively different 0 Liking based on affection respect and enjoyable interaction 0 based on attachment motivation and deeper level of canng Sternberg s Triangular Theory of Love Think O D Intimacy a Fa i n Enmmitment Foundation of the triangle 0 Based on emotional attachment Moderately stable and controllable o Latent vs Manifest intimacy o Latent refers to internal feelings of closeness and interpersonal warmth which are not directly observable by others 0 Manifest refers to how people communicate affection and closeness to someone such as disclosing intimate feeling to a partner or sending extra time together 0 Based on motivation Related to sexual arousal in some relationships Unstable and dif cult 0 Ex Getting giddy to see the person you re in a relationship with 0 Married people should have sex at least once a week 0 Based on cognitive choice Relatively stable and controllable Commitment is related to trust loyalty and faithfulness which have been found to be central to love 0 Without commitment the other two won t work at all 0 Forgiveness is important too Different Triangles Different Types of Love 0 Some types of love identi ed by Sternberg include o lnfatuation passion only burns out quickly Empty love commitment only roommates Romanic love passion intimacy Friendship love intimacy commitment Consummate love all three components passion intimacy commitment what you want in a marriage Finding love and falling in love 0 Then families use to have the most in uence on who people will marry and fall in love with 0 Now the most common ways to meet someone s future spouse are through friends socializing in public places and the Internet Finding Love and Falling in Love 0 The Internet is the most common way for samesex couples to meet 0 Looking for love online is different from traditional dating in three important ways 1 Levels of access 2 Type of communication 3 Degree of matching Lee s Styles of Loving The primary styles 1 m PhysicaloveRomantic love physical attraction High use of self disclosure and intensi cation strategies 2 Storage Companionate loveFriendship love High levels of mutual disclosure and shared actives low use of secret tests Feel extremely comfortable with each other 3 Ludus Gameplaying love More use of secret tests and negative maintenance behavior compared to other love styles Offagain onagain relationships OOOO a Not a healthy love If you fall inlove with someone who is like this RUN You ll get hurt The secondary styles 0 Mania Possessive Love Eros ludus mix of positive and negative communication behaviors Jealous demanding possessive and controlling Want to spend every moment with the person they re in a relation with and they don t they re lows are very low a Highs are high but lows are low a Run Dangerous It will feel exciting because they re bad but it will be painful in the end 0 Agape Unse sh LoveCompassionate love storage Eros High use of intensi cation strategies and social support behavior low use of secret tests Caring concerning and tenderness and giving a Thinkjesus a Fabulous love Find someone who has this 0 Pragma Practical Love Storage Ludus Mix of communication strategies that help accomplish goals Fits a particular image in terms of vital statistics such as age height religion and occupation as well as prefer characteristics such as being a loyal partner or being a good parent Studies have shown women from the US and Portugal score higher than men on pragma n Seen with friends a lot a Ex Dr Keeley had a friend who she was very close with in Dr School but then they moved on n Ex Love might introduce new love interest as my really good friendquot to see if he objects or wants to be called her boyfriend Marston and Hecht s Love Ways 0 love that involves mutual support and negotiation increases energy and intensi ed emotion 0 You see your relationship as overall partnerships 0 Active love love is based on activity doing things together and feelings of increased strength and selfcon dence o Intuitive love love is feeling communicated through nonverbal behavioral and experienced through physical reactions such as feeling warm all over and losing one s appetite 0 Ex You can nish each other s sentences O L Committed love love is based on commitment and involves experiencing strong feelings of connection spending time together and discussing the future Secure love love is based on security and intimacy experienced through feelings of safety and warmth and communicated through intimate selfdisclosure 0 quotEx can t imagine my life with anyone else and I will love you through out eternityquot Expressive love love is show through overt behavior such as doing things for the pattern and saying I love youquot frequently 0 Ex Getting owers hugskiss before you leave the house Traditional Romantic love love involves togetherness and commitment as well as feeling beautiful and healthy 0 Patterns roes in the relationship They change when you have kids probably stronger roles Beginning in infancy and continuing throughout the lifespan humans have an innate need to form attachments with others The interaction children have with caregiver s leads to the development of internal working models of self and others that in uence communication Working Models Working models fall along a positivenegative o the degree to which a child develops an internalized senses of selfworth that is not dependent on external validation 0 Model of others the degree to which a child expects others to be supportive and accepting rather than rejecting This child s attachment is due to the parenting Working models are related to a person s attachment style coherent patterns of emotion and social behavior that occur in close relationships 0 These styles rst develop in childhood but can be modi ed through out the lifespan o protects children from danger to provide for them 0 Internal working modes in uence orientations toward love intimacy and interpersonal interaction in adult relationships Children s Attachment Styles 0 around 70 of children positive models of self and others Avoidant around 20 of children negative models of others 0 Have caregivers who are either insensitive to their signals or try too hard to please Anxiousambivalent around 10 of children negative models of self 0 Children are products of inconsistent caregiver communication sometimes the caregiver is appropriately responsive and other times the caregiver is neglectful or over stimulating Ex could result in relational con ict divorce or substance abuse 0 These can change because of the relationships that you have as you get older Caregiver Communication Patterns 0 Secure goodness of fitquot in terms of stimulation responsive to basic needs consistently caring 0 Ex Toddlers may feel free to try the slides and wings at the playground if they know that a caregiver is close by to act as a secure base if they get hurt or need help Avoidant overor understimulated sometimes neglected Anxiousambivalent inconsistent response patterns parent is preoccupied or stressed Adult attachment styles T will gl 395 IE Iflzuliiiliw Eifi l i39iff39 E n fillinn Putnam lplwl FIJEI ILEls39 E a a Ef mi 39 i if39iLL FITEfEEED39ELEE EEIJ Brat i39 c u a a Islulii IEII IJ I in L ml PM llL39i39E Zl i li iLir ii iEilrI I li39l faill39iii 39 5 r D F V LEM L 1 Eu 39if u l 3 39m39 39MJinm Di limit 5 2 J if quotmi mi Jim35 E Selfsuf cient and comfortable with intimacy Compromise and problemsolving during con ict Highest level of maintenance behavior Tend to be pleasant selfdisclosure and skilled communicators Smile at laugh with and touch their romantic partners more than do individuals with their attachment styles Reinforcement effect because secures are con dent and expressive people react to them positively reinforcing positive models of self and others PREOCCUPIED The Emotional Style Overly involved and depended Want excessive intimacy and worry that partners do not care enough for them You re ok but I m not okquot Demanding nagging con ict behavior Express negative emotion with aggression or passive aggression Overly discursive and overly sensitive Reinforcement effect by cling to their partners and escalating intimacy quickly the push partners away thereby reinforcing that they are unworthy of love 0 You choose what you want and how you want to communicate FEARFUL The Hesitant Style Fearful of intimacy they have often been hurt in the past andor fear rejection 0 Avoidant Parents probably left child to cry and not comforted Communication is often passive guarded and anxious I m not ok and you re not okquot Trouble expression emotions and selfdisclosing Relatively low levels of maintenance and nonverbal pleasantness Reinforcement Effect by avoiding taking risks they keep themselves from developing the kind of close relationships that will help them feel better about themselves and others DISSMISSIVE The Detached Style Counter dependent selfsuf cient to the point of pushing others away I m ok but you re not okquot Relationships seen as nonessential personal goals are higher priority Relatively low levels of relational maintenance disclosure and emotional expression Withdrawing con ict style with more interruptions Reinforcement effect by learning to get along on their own they reinforce the idea that they do not need other people to be happy Stability and chances in attachment styles Explanations for stability 0 Interactions with caregivers have an especially strong effect on a person s social development 0 Reinforcement effect people communicate in cycles that reinforce their attachment style Because secure individuals are selfcon dent and readily approach others they are more likely to make friends and develop relationships causing them to feel even better about themselves and others Ex A partner who wanted to meet your family right away told you how much he loved you on the third date and wanted to move in together Explanations for change 0 Signi cant liferelationship events 0 The partner s attachment style 0 Variability across relationship types Chapter summary ReadiU Chapter 9 Communicating Sexuality the Closest Physical Encounter Sex in relationships Premarital sex typically occurs between people who share some degree of emotional intimacy o Exceptions onenight stands hookups Married people experience higher levels of sexual satisfaction than dating or cohabitating couples 0 Longterm relationships both men and women place a high value on qualities such as interpersonal skill emotional stability responsiveness and family orientation Sex in Relationships 0 Lesbian couples engage in sex less frequently than straight couples or gay male couples 0 Gay men engage in sex the most frequently Sex Differences in Sexual Desire 0 Women s sexual desire is more exible and adaptable it is in uenced by 0 Feelings 0 Type of relationship they share with the partner 0 Potential for intimacy and humor 0 The status and intelligence of the man 0 Men s desire is more consistent it is in uenced by 0 Physical attraction 0 Sexual pleasure and erotic qualities Sex Differences in Sexual Desire 0 Women have more biological investment in reproducing offspring then men 0 On dates and in general men expect hope for and think about sex more often than women do Premarital sex steadily increased from 1965 to 2005 o A 2004 study found that over 80 of men and women have had premarital sexual intercourse The vast majority of the US population approve of premarital sex between adults who are in serious dating relationships 0 Today around 11 of college men and 13 of college women report that they are virgins Three General Orientations Toward Sex Procreation sex is for making babies 0 Recreational sex is for fun 0 Relations sex is an expression of intimacy 0 Serial monogamy these coupes are sexually active only with each other monogamy and do not engage in other sexual relationships until the current relationships until the current relationship ends The predominant pattern in the US which re ects a relational orientation Developing Sexual Attitudes and Beliefs Culture 0 Media 0 Parents 0 Peers 0 Past relationships Courtship Stages Remember 1 ttention 2 ourtship readiness 3 ositioning 4 nvitations and sexual arousal 5 esolution Courtship vs Quasicourtship o Courtship dating in thinking about God s will for marriage with parents and mentor s blessing o QuasiCourtship if one or both of the partners does not want to have sex they are entering the rst four of Scheele s stages The Timing of Sex 0 Rapid involvement around 7 0 Have high levels of psychical arousal and have sex on the rst date or shortly after For these partners sexual intimacy often precedes psychological intimacy Gradual involvement around 31 0 Let sexual involvement increase gradually as the relationship develops and becomes more psychological intimate Delayed involvement around 44 0 Wait until the two people consider themselves to be committed couple to become sexually involved 0 Low involvement around 17 0 Usually wait to have sex until he partners are engaged or married Misconceptions about sex and satisfaction in relationships Contrary to stereotypes both men and women enjoy sex about equally especially when it is an expression of intimacy within a close relationship Contrary to stereotypes sexual frequency is not related to sexual or relational satisfaction sexual compatiblity is more important than frequency of sex Communication Sexual Satisfaction and Relational Satisfaction 0 Direct communication about sex leads to grater sexual satisfaction which in turn contributes to more relational satisfaction GOOD 0 Indirect communication about sex has the opposite effect NOT GOOD 0 Sexual satisfaction is important but love supportiveness and compatibility are usually better predictors of relational satisfaction Sexual Scripts imitation Strategies 0 Sexual scripts social information that is deployed in everyday interaction Taught to think about sex whether if it is from our family friends media romantic partners playinghardtoget or players 0 Hinting andl indirect strategies 0 Sexual innuendos irting o Expressions of closeness o Saying I love youquot doing special things for one another 0 Pressure anol manipulation o Relating threats Ex If you really loved me you would have sex with me Sexual Coercion 0 De nition occurs when an individual pressures or forces anther to engage in unwanted sexual activity 0 Verbal insistence is the most common and least aversive method of coercion 0 Alcohol can contribute to this coercion as well as ability to resist coercion Sexual Scripts Refusing and Accepting Sexual Invitations In early dating relationships Men as quotinitiatorsquot women as gatekeepers ln married relationships women more likely to be facilitators 0 Some men see women s objections as token resistancequot 0 quotNoquot means no Sexual Scripts Refusing and accepting Sexual Invitations Indirect refusal and the issue of facesaving 0 Women are sometimes polite rather than direct when resisting because they don t want to offend the partner or are worried about losing the relationship 0 But men are rarely hurt offended or angered when women use direct verbal resistance Sexual Harassment De nition occurs when inappropriate sexual comment behaviors or request create a hostile work or school environment or when a person feels pressure to have sex to avoid negative consequences 0 What constitutes sexual harassment is complicated What some people see as harassment other might see as sexy or innocent fun So avoid using any behaviors that could fall into the gray area 0 Some behaviors touching someone in an inappropriate place making lewd comments are considered harassing by almost everyone 0 Other behaviors such as asking someone about herhis love life touching someone s face and putting an arm around someone s waist are considered harassing by some but not others Responses to Sexual harassment Passive responses also referred to as indirect strategies involve ignoring the harassment or appeasing the harasser Assertive response involves telling the harasser to stop the unwanted behavior with statements such as Please stop bothering mequot Retaliatory responses involves punishing or getting revenge on the harasser Unfortunately none of these responses are particularly effective although assertive is best Communication and Safe Sex 0 The barriers o Believing a partner is quotsafequot The truth biasquot Not wanting to be seen as promiscuous Not wanting to ruin the romance Not wanting to convey distrust 0 Not liking the feel of condoms Communication and safe sex 0 Best communication strategies 0 Discuss pregnancy prevention 0 Suggest condom use just to be safequot OOOO Discus speci c sexual histories Negotiate monogamy Practice abstinence Practice secondary abstinence Avoid highrisk sex Use condoms Get tested Limit your partners Know your partners Avoid intoxication Be honest Pm ewewweoo Chapter 10Staying Close Maintaining Relationships De ning relational Maintenance involves keeping a relationship at a desired level by Remember 1 Keeping a relationship in xistence 2 Keeping a relationship in a speci ed state or Iondition 3 Keeping a relationship in latisfactory condition healthy 4 Keeping a relationship in epair High or low levels of these Ex Dr Keeley is really busy right now so her husband is putting in a lot of effort into their relationship But most of the time it s both people Prosocial Maintenance behaviors the pleasure of enjoyment that people derive from their relationships making interactions pleasant and enjoyable 0 Ex Good morning honeyquot Smiling Openness selfdisclosure sharing secrets and routine talk more verbal 0 Ex Hi Honey How was your dayquot Assurance giving each other assurances about commitment 0 Ex I ll love you foreverquot Social Networking Spending time with each other s social network 0 If all your friends and family say no to whom you re dating listen to them Task Sharing performing routine tasks and chores relevant to the relationship together Supportiveness giving each other social support and encouragement 0 Ex Crying and your friend grab your hand to comfort you Joint Activities engaging in actives and spending time together 0 Ex Watching son s basketball game together Romance and Affection revealing positive caring feelings for each other 0 Ex Singing the same song to you on your birthday Humor using inside jokes and other forms of humor Constructive Con ict management being able to manage disagreements 0 Ex Don t shove things under the rug it will destroy your relationships Antisocial Maintenance Behavior Avoidance evading the partner in certain situations or on certain issues No irting refraining from irting with someone Talking about others saying you already have a special relationship with someone else Jealousy induction attempting to make your partner jealous Spying getting information about your partner without their knowledge 0 Ex Going threw their rooms ln delity engaging in sexual activity with someone else 0 Ex Talking to someone but then going on a date with someone else Allowing control focusing exclusively on the partner 0 Ex 50 Shades of Grey she allows him to control her Destructive con ict trying to control the partner using aggressive con ict 0 Ex Attacking the partner Modality of Maintenance Behavior Rules for cell phone communication 0 Contact With others not talking or texting others when spending time together 0 Call times not calling too late or early during other speci ed times 0 Availability expectations setting expectations for availability and cellback times 0 Relational issues casting certain topics as inappropriate for text messaging o Receptivity contact giving the partner an appropriate amount of time to text or call back 0 Monitoring partner usage not checking the partner s phone log Social Networking Rules for social networking sites 0 People expect others to present themselves and their friends positively 0 People expect others to refrain form posting anything that could hurt a person s image 0 People expect the amount of communication to re ect the closeness level of the relationship 0 Communication via social networking sites is often not enough to maintain close relationships Maintenance in Online vs FacetoFace Relationships 0 Virtual relationships online communication only 0 Pinocchio relations online then facetoface 0 They become quotrealquot 0 Cyber emigrant relationships facetoface then primarily online 0 A lot of how my friends and start talking to someone o Realworld relationships primarily facetoface 0 People in virtual relationships use the least maintenance unless they are highly committed to one another Strategic vs Routine Maintenance 0 Strategic maintenance behaviors intentionally designed to maintain a relationship 0 Ex Planning on getting the owers because it makes your wife happy of maintaining the relationship yet they still help people preserve their bonds with one another 0 Ex How was your dayquot 0 Ex Goodbye kiss Some researchers believe that routine maintenance is more important than strategic maintenance Maintenance in Romantic relationships Married couples report higher levels of task sharing and social networking than daters Daters report more mediated communication with seriously dating couples reporting especially high levels of openness and positivity Married couples may use the most maintenance behavior in the early and later years of their marriage Gay and lesbian couples report bonding communication and being out in front of the social network as important for maintenance Maintenance in SameSex Friendships Boys value engaging in activities together Girls value communication such as talking on the phone and engaging in facetoface interaction The doing vs talking distinction extends so adult friendships between men and women However difference between men s and women s friendships are not that dramatic there is more similarity than difference General Challenges in Maintaining CrossSex Friendships The emotional bond challenge 0 People are socialized to see members of the opposite sex as romantic partners 0 Feeling of closeness can be confused with romance The sexual challenging 0 Sexual attraction 0 One or both friends might desire a sexual relationship The public presentation challenge 0 Having to explain the friendship o Jealously from romantic partners Mutual romance most maintenance behavior Desires romance Romantic lntent high levels of maintenance but avoid talking about the relationship Rejects romance and strictly platonic less joint activity and irtation but more talk about outside relationships 0 Side note Platonic intimate and affectionate but not sexual Reasons for keeping a crosssex friendship platonic Safeguarding the relationship Not attracted Network disapproval Third party Risk aversion Time out Friends with Benefitsquot FWB RGati0nShiPS Studies suggest that between 48 and 68 of college studies have had at least one friend with bene ts relationship The biggest concern people have FWB relationships is that one person will develop romantic feelings Despite the high level so uncertainty in these relationships 76 of studies in one study said they didn t communicate their concerns to their FWB partner Rules for Maintaining FWB Relationships Negotiating sexual activity Negotiating expectations about communication Determining level of secrecy Establishing rules related to permanence Protecting the friendship Maintenance in LongDistance LD Relationships Between 25 to 40 of college students romantic relationships are longdistance Despite less facetoface communication many of these relationships are satisfying in part because 0 Partners can control the communication 0 Partners are often on their best behaviorquot when together 0 ldeaHzann LD relationships often break up when they become proximal and idealization fades ldealization occurs when people describe their relationship and their partner in owing overly positive terms that sometimes re ect unrealistic expectations Challenges related to maintaining cohabiting relationships 0 Relationship stability married couples are more stable than cohabiting couples 0 The Selection Effect people who choose to cohabit rather than marry have certain preexisting personal characteristic and attitudes that make it less likely that their relationships will last Cohabiting Relationships Cohabiting Relationships living together without being married 0 Relationship quality 0 Cohabiting couples that plan to get married are just satis ed with their relationships as married couples 0 Cohabiting couples who do not plan to marry tend to be less satis ed than married couples 0 Time together might be better predictor of satisfaction than whether a couple cohabited or not 0 Communication patterns 0 More con ict and violence in cohabiting couples vs married couples 0 However cohabiting couples that plan to marry do not differ from married couples in terms of con ict or violence 0 Selection effect provides another explanation for the instability found in some cohabiting relationships 0 Equity theory focuses on comparing the ratio of contributions or costs vs bene ts for each relational partners 0 This ratio does not have to be equal for equity to exist rather it has to be equivalent 0 ln equitable relationships if one person puts more into the relationships she also get more out of the relationships 0 We are much happier in these relationship because we both get what we re wanting 0 Ex Christy has a bene tcontribution ratio of 105 while Steve has bene tcontribution ratio of 63 In an equitable relationship such as this both partners are getting a fair dealquot based on their bene ts vs contributions General Vs Speci c Equity 0 General Equity or inequity represents an overall assessment of balance between two people s bene ts between two people s bene ts and contributions Speci c equity focuses on the balance between people s bene ts and contributions in a speci c area 0 Ex Physical attraction nancial resources and social status ability to in uence each other and supportiveness Principles of Equity Theory 1 Individual try to maximize their bene ts so that the bene ts they receive in their relationships outweigh their costs and contributions People in groups and dyads develop rules for distributing resources fairly Within groups and dyads people will reward those who treat them equitably and punish those who treat them inequitable When individuals are inequitable relationships they will experience distress This distress will lead them to try to restore equity the harder they will try to alleviate that stress Individuals in equitable relationships experience more satisfaction and use more maintenance behavior than do individual in equitable relationships The concept of inequity When one partner is getting a worse dealquot in comparison to the other partner there is inequity The person getting the worse deal is underbene ted The person getting a better deal is overbene ted A person can have more bene ts than contributions and still be underbene ted 0 Ex Ted has a bc ratio of 128 while his partner Emily has a bc ratio of 123 Consequence of lnEquity lnequity occur at general levels as well as speci c levels Equity is related to o Feelings of happiness satisfaction fairness and appreciation o More positivity openness and assurance and more constructive expression of negative emotions Underbene ted inequity is related to o Feelings of frustration anger disappointment and dissatisfaction 0 Less prosocial maintenance behavior and more aggressive expression of negative emptions Overbene ted is related to o Feelings of guilt sometimes 0 Tendencies to use less maintenance behavior such as apologizing and comforting the partner o More relational satisfaction than underbeneftied inequity but sometimes not as much satisfaction as in equitable relationships Dealing with Distress in Inequitable Relationships The more inequity the more distress and relational dissatisfaction couples experience 1 Restoring actual equity 2 Restoring psychological equity 3 Leaving the relationship Equity vs Bene tcost rations Who s the most satis ed Costs include people s contributions such as time and effort they put into accomplishing tasks an maintaining their relationship such as having con ict and losing opportunities Betty amp Bob 0 Betty s bc ratio 3060 0 Bob s bc ratio 4080 0 B amp B more costs than bene ts equitable Tyler amp Todd 0 Tyler s bc ratio1530 o Todd s bc ratio1040 o T amp T More costs than bene ts inequitable Jenny amp Jan 0 Jenny s bc ratio5025 o Jan s bc ratio 2010 0 J ampJ more bene ts than cost equitable Sarah amp Sam 0 Sarah s bc ratio 4010 0 Sam s bc ratio 6020 0 S amp S more bene ts than cost somewhat inequitable 0 Chapter 11 Coping with Con ict When Relational Partners Disagree De ning Con ict Interdependent people Scarce resources Incompatible goals Perceived interference Con ict you notice something is broken in the relationship Doesn t mean it s broke it means there s an issue 0 It s uncomfortable 0 You or they aren t getting their way 0 Con ictComm is a skill Common Con ict Issues in Various Relationships Parents and Parents and Siblings Married Couples Young Teenagers Children Possessions Curfew Possessions Household Labor Caretaking Friends Privacy Money and Possessions Hurtful behavior Dating patterns Parental JealousPossessiveness attention Rules and Privacy Territory Sex manners Need for Lifestyle Children assistance choices Frequency of Con ict in Romantic Relationships 0 Most romantic couples have between 1 and 3 mild disagreements per week and 1 or 2 serious disagreements per month Distressed couples reported having 54 con icts over a 5day period 0 When everything is going great in the relationship you ignore the bad things But when work is stressful etc you re the most likely to get annoyed with them F 0 Although too much con ict may re ect relational problems some level of con ict is normal and healthy in close relationships 0 The way people manage con ict is more important than the frequency of con ict Effects of Con ict relationships Spillover effect suggests that these negative effects arise because parents who engage in dysfunctional con ict are also likely to have dysfunctional parenting styles 0 children adopting con ict styles similar to their parent s con ict styles Con ict Styles Competitive gh ng Compromising Collaborating Indirect lnldirect ghting Avoiding Uncooperative Yielding Cooperative Competitive ghting Compete to defeat the partnerwin the argument Winlose orientation 0 Ex I win you losequot 0 Speci c tactics include 0 Personal criticism 0 Blaming or accusations o Hostile questioning and teasing o Presumptive attribution o Demands and threats 0 They learn how to win 0 This pattern in the long run is bad and probably will make the relationships fail Compromising Partwin part lose orientation 0 Quality of compromise varies based on how mutually acceptable the outcome is Moderately appropriate and effective 0 Speci c tactics include 0 Taking the middle ground 0 Splitting the difference 0 Alternating o Appealing to fairness Ex Making you want to go to the beach and he wants to go to the mountains Find a place that has both Focus on creative problem solving New solutions Winwin orientation Speci c tactics include o Staying on topic Inquires about the partner s feelings Support and empathy active listening Accepting responsibility Ex quotI m sorry I m tiredquot o Initiating problemsolving brainstorming 000 Indirect Fighting 0 Passive aggressive strategies Focus on dismissing or indirectly derogating the partner s position in an effort not to lose the argument Speci c tactic include o Ignoring the partner or giving the silent treatment 0 Cold or dirty looks 0 Rolling one s eyes 0 Sarcasm and contemptuous looks Not good at all Avoiding Sometimes leads to a loselose situation with issues left unresolved However in some cases avoiding is bene cial Pretty common Specifying tactics include o Denying the con ict 0 Being indirect and evasive 0 Changing andor avoiding topics 0 Acting as if one doesn t care Stone wailing and ignoring Badl Five conditions that in uence whether avoidance has a negative or positive effect on relationships 1 Avoidance may be an effective strategy for certain types of couples 2 Avoidance is more acceptable when accompanied by expression of positive affection 3 People are most likely to respond positively to avoided when the topic is of little importance to both people 4 Individuals are more likely to nd avoidance acceptable if it is their decision to avoid discussion about a particular topic 5 People are socially skilled communicators they may be able to recognize when avoidance is appropriate vs inappropriate Losewin orientation 0 Ex quotI lose you winquot Problematic if one person always give in the chilling effect 0 Chilling effect found that people are likely to avoid voicing their opinions and complaints when they feel powerless or fear that their partner will act aggressively toward them Bene cial if the con ict issue is more important to one partner than the other Speci c tactic include o Appeasement giving in o Smoothing over differences 0 Passive acceptance of alternative positions Primarily bad but sometimes we all need to yield 0 There s a time and a place 0 Look for patterns and nd out why it is a pattern 0 Ex Why do I feel bad in our relationship Because I didn t get enough attention as a kidquot The Principle of Negative Reciprocity Principle of negative reciprocity a pattern whereby aggression begets more aggression Once a person uses competitive or indirect ghting the other person is likely to follow suit Aggression begets aggression Problems related to negative reciprocity include o Overestimation of negativity o Gunnysacking and kitchensinking Gunnysacking people store up old grievance and then dump them on their partner during a con ict Kitchensinking similar to gunnysacking However instead of storing up complaints people rehash their old arguments o Bringing other people into the con ict 0 Defensiveness Extension of aming 0 Flaming hostile expression of emotionsquot online through means Ex Swearing insults and namecalling Ex Nonverbally doing things typing an insulting word or phases in bold or call caps Positive reciprocity violent couples are most likely to engage in high levels of negative reciprocity and low levels of this DemandWithdraw Oneperson wants to engage in con ict the demander and the other patterns want to avoid con ict the withdrawer Problems of punctuation Women more likely to be the demanding position because they are more likely to want to change the status quo 0 Ex I have to withdraw because you are always nagging mequot 0 When men want change they tend to be in the demanding position The Four Housemen of the Apocalypse Gottman s cascade model include the following sequence 1 Complaints and criticism Five Types of Complaints ranked in order of most common 0 Behavior 0 Personal characteristics Ex quotYou are inconsiderate and rudequot Performance Personal Appearance Metacomplaints complaining about the partner s complaining n Ex Doug might tell his daughter to stop whining bout the spaghetti and eatquot Contemptdisgust Ex Mocking disapproval judgment put downs Defensiveness Mind reading people assume that they know their partner s feelings motives and behaviors 0 Ex quotYou don t care about how we livequot quotYou get tense in situations like this onequot quotYou have to spend whatever we savequot Often use words such as always and never 0 Often is based on jumping to conclusions 0 Usually based on overgeneralizations Stonewalling after people have been attacked experience contempt and tried often unsuccessfully to defend themselves they often stonewall or withdraw from the interaction El 0 O O 0 Stonewalling predicts divorce Accommodation Accommodation helps explain why some couples are more likely to break away patterns of negativity and avoidance than others The 1 2 principle is based on three ideas People have a tendency to retaliate when their partner engages in destructive behavior Accommodations occurs when people overcome this tendency and engage in cooperation rather than uncooperative communication Couples in satisfying committed relationships are more likely to engage in accommodation Explanations for Con ict Patterns Emotional ooding s occurs when people become surprised overwhelmed and disorganizedquot by their partner s expressions of negative emotionquot 0 People often experience high level of physiological arousal heart rate and higher blood pressure have dif culty processing new information rely on stereotyped thoughts and behaviors ad respond with aggression ght or withdrawal ight Attributions in happy vs unhappy couples 0 Relationshipenhancing vs distressmaintain attributions Button pushing purposely says or do something they know will be especially harmful to the partner 0 Ex Taboo topic insulting the partner with offensive name or looking away from the partner while talking Empty threats suggesting to do something that the speaker does not really intend tot do Attribution Patterns in Happy Vs Unhappy Couples State of the Person A s Person B s Person B s relationship Behavior Attribution Response Happy Positive Internal stable Positive global Happy Negative External unstable Positive speci c Unhappy Positive External unstable Negative speci c Unhappy Negative Internal stable Negative global Attribution a perceptual process of assigning reason or causes to another s behavior 0 Ex Scientists who study one another s behavior and make judgment about why they act the way they do 0 Types of attitudes 1 People attribute a person s behavior to personal vs situation causes 2 People make attributions about behavior being stable vs unstable 3 People make attributions about how global vs speci c the cause of a behavior is Attribution hypothesis shown that patterns of attribution are related to con ict escalation and lower levels of satisfaction Relationshipenhancing attributions attributing negative behaviors 0 Ex Whining nagging Distressmaintaining attributions attributing negative behavior to internal stable and global causes Communication Skills De cits Argumentative vs verbally aggressive behavior 0 Argumentative con ict styles that con ict on logical argument and reasoning people with argumentativeness styles confront con ict directly by recognizing issues of disagreement taking postings on controversial issue backing up claims with evidence and reasoning and refuting views on contrary to their own 0 Verbal aggressiveness attacking theory person s selfconcept often with the intention of hurting the other person Ineffective listening Ten Rules for quotFair Fightingquot 1 Avoid gunnysacking or bringing in everything but the kitchen sink 0 Focus on what you re ghting about 2 Do not bring other people into the con ict 0 Ex Don t brings your sibling and parents into a ght go to yourfnends 3 Attack positions not people no namecalling buttonpushing or violence 0 Ex We need to get this over soon because I m so tiredquot 4 Avoid making empty relational threats 0 Ex Just divorce me if you want toquot 5 If necessary postpone con ict until your emotions cool down 0 Ex Take a time out but then talk about it later 6 Try to understand your partner s position by practicing active listening creating mental maps and avoiding mind reading 0 Relate to them rst 7 Use behavioral complaints rather than personal criticism 0 Ex quotI need help I m tired of being the only one cleaningquot 8 Try to accommodate rather than get defensive when you feel like you re being attacked O NonEx I do more for the kids than you doquot 9 Try to validate your partner s position by expressing agreement and positive affect rather than stonewalling or escalating con ict 0 Ex Thank you for doing thisquot I m sorryquot 10 For every one negative statement or behavior use ve positive statements or behaviors Gottman s Golden Rule 0 O Called Ratio 15 We don t forget the negative things people say so it helps cut down these bad words with the negative comment Chapter 12ln uencing Each Other Dominance and Power Plays in Relationships De ning Power and Related Terms 0 an individual s ability to in uence others 0 O O 1 2 It s a relation perception communication Power is always there and hopefully is shared Ex ln Dr Keeley s rst marriage her husband had power over her but she also gave it to him Withhold resources money possession affection sex or time spend together quotDecision making process on how to do the things listened above 0 a unique empowering quality of experience in which a person masters the surrounding environment including social interaction and relationships 0 the display or expression of power through behavior behavior is only dominate if it works 0 O Ex We are going to myfamily s home for Thanksgiving this yearquot Dyadic Power theory most dominance would be displayed by people in equal power positions as they deal with con ict and struggle for control changing someone s thoughts emotions or behaviors Power Principles 1 Power as a perception 0 Objective power authority associated with factors such as position strength weaponry and wealth 2 Power as a relational concept 0 Relative power how much power one has in comparisons to one s partner 0 People are most happy in equalitarian relationships 0 People are least happy in relationships where the woman has considerably more power than the man 3 Power as a resource based 0 The Scarcity hypothesis people have the most power when the resources they possess are hard to come by or in high demand Ex Money 4 Power as having less to lose 0 Dependence power people who are depended on their relationships and have low quality alternatives are in powerless position Ex They feel like if they leave the marriage that they won t keep the children 0 Quality of Alternative types of relationships and opportunism people could have if they weren t in their current relationship Ex Ashley is attractive to many other men but Tyler is not as attractive to other women Ashley is the scarcer resource and has more power than Tyler 5 Principle of least interest the person who is more attracted andor more in love is at a disadvantage when it comes to power 6 Power as enabling or disabling 0 People who communicate dominance in a socially skilled manner are more successful in achieving their goals and maintaining good relationships 7 The chilling effect the less powerful person often hesitates to communicate grievances to her his or her partner 0 They re more fearful so they re less likely to speak up Ex Abusive relationships 8 Demandwithdraw sequences the less powerful person is usually in the demanding position 0 Either one that are strong in one area isn t good The withdrawer has more power 9 Power as a prerogative the partner with more power can make and break the rules 0 Ex Dr Keeley being late to class Interpersonal In uence Goals 0 Making lifestyle changes 0 Ex Getting a close friend to terminate a romantic real tips that you think it bad for her or convincing your brother not to move to Ohio for a job Gaining assistance 0 Ex Your spouse to proofread your term paper Sharing activities 0 Ex Running and biking together Changing political attitudes 0 Ex Persuading someone register to vote Giving health advice 0 Ex Want our partner to get exercise or take vitamins o Psychological reactance or Boomerang Effect can occur when a parent or spouse is controlling or demanding and is common among defensive adults and most teenagers Changing relationships 0 Ex You may urge a friend to join your church Verbal In uence Strategies Direct requests simple request most likely used by a person who feels powerful and supported Bargaining involves agreeing to do something for someone if the person does something in return 0 Ex I ll do the dishes if you dryquot 0 Pregiving people use barraging to reward their partner prior to a persuasive request Aversive Stimulation whining sulking complaining crying or acting angry to get one s way hoping the receiver will eventually comply just to stop the aversive behavior This strategy is unsophisticated is unviewed as childish because toddlers and small children use it 0 Ex Slow glare from your mom 0 Ex Whining arguing lngratiation kissing or sucking up 0 Ex Daddy I love youquot wanting to get money from him 0 Illicit lngrain occurs when a person acts nice merely to gain compliance Hinting indirect request implying a request without ever coming out and stating it 0 Ex Sarcasm 0 Ex quotThat would look really great in my housequot Moral Appeals positive altercating amp negative altercating 0 Good moral appeal suggests that a good or moral person would comply with the request Ex quotA really good friend would take me to dinnerquot 0 Negative moral appeal suggests that only bad or immoral people would fail to comply set of strategies used to get one s way by making the partner feels guilty ashamed orjealous 0 Ex quotI m going to be so lonely here without youquot Withdrawal closely related to both aversive stimulation and manipulation are set of strategies variously called distancing avoidance 0 Passive Aggressive people give their partners the silent treatment ignore them or limit communication with them Deception people make false promises when they have no intention of keeping them People exaggerate or make up information to gain compliance 0 Ex False promises Distributive commination o Distributive strategies antagonistic strategies people attempt to blame hurt insult or berate their pattern in an effort to gain compliance 0 Bullying usually ineffective and lead to escalated con ict and relational deterioration Logical Ex quotYou never take me out to dinnerquot faking breakup failing to cooperate with a partner until the partner gives in or threatening to withhold resources such as money or information are typically effective Relational Control Messages Oneup message attempts to exercise control dominance andor in uence Onedown messages messages showing deference acceptance andor submission Oneacross message message that are neutral in terms of dominancesubmission 0 Ex quotI don t know what I want for dinner let s talk about itquot Ex Of oneup amp onedown messages Me What do you want for dinnerquot Friend I m not sure What do you wantquot Me Mexican Friend I want Italianquot Me Okay sounds goodquot OOOOO Transacts Pairs of Control Messages Complementary H o Oneuponedown or onedownoneup 0 Competitive symmetry 0 Two onup messages Submissive symmetry H H 0 Two onedown messages 0 Neutral symmetry 0 Two oneacross messages 0 Transition H or o A oneup or onedown message paired with a oneacross message Powerful and Powerless Speech 0 Powerful speech is characterized by 0 Selffocus o More talk time o Redirection of conversation away from topics others are discussing o Interruptions There is a tendency for men to use more powerful speech than women although this sex difference is modi ed by topic 0 Ex Dr Keeley talked at one of the top hospitals and was very careful about her verbal and nonverbal cues She tried to show her knowledge Powerless speech punctuated by tag questions and hedges o Tag questions asking people to af rm that you are making sense that they understand you 0 Hedges qualifying statements that give the sender or receiver an quotoutquot 0 Women are somewhat more likely to use powerless speech than men Nonverbal Positions of Power 0 Physical appearance 0 Clothing 0 Mesomorphic body type height 0 Principe of Elevation suggests that fair or not height or vertical position is associated with power This is why powerful pole are often seated in elevated positions 0 Spatial Behavior 0 Violations of space reveals how the use of space re ects and creates power lnvading someone else39s space and getting in someone s face are powerful and intimidating behaviors 0 Body angle o Bodily realization Eye Behavior 0 people received as powerful are also looked at by others Ex Eye contact friendly but can also lead to rude and intrusive o looking while speaking vs looking while listening Body Movements o Expansive body positions Forward lean Sweeping gestures Threatening facial expressions and movements Smiling can indicate dominance or submission Ex Dr Keeley walking up to Matthew quickly and standing over him Touch 0 Initiating touch is more powerful than reciprocating touch 0 Touch can show dominance or af liation The voice 0 voice tones and intonations are the realm of nonverbal communication Ex Social status can be detected from one s voice fairly accurately Fewer lled pauses More vocal variety Higher volume Faster or slower tempo depending on context 00000 0000 Time 0 Longer and more request speaking turns 0 Wait time Ex Dr Keeley was late to class one day but she has all the power so we just waited for her She has all the power Artifacts 0 Status symbols 0 Expensive gifts Power and In uence in ParentChild Relationships Parents need power over children especially when they re young Parenting styles 0 Authoritarian demanding directive and nonresponsive the dictator o Permissive undemanding nondirective and responsive the friend 0 Authoritative demanding and directive but also responsive the mentor Power assertion similar to the authorities style refers to parents who believe that they should be in complete control and can demand compliance without having to explain why Inductive philosophy parenting it similar to authoritative style When parents use induction they believe that it is critical that they provide children with reason for their disciplinary actions 0 Separation and lndividuating the transition point during which teenagers distance themselves form parents This transition often involves o A power struggle and increased con ict between parents and children 0 More reliance on peers than parents by children 0 A renegotiation of power rules and privacy boundaries Power in Marriage 0 Traditional Marriage based on a form of benevolent male dominance coupled with clearly specialized roles Egalitarian marriage aka peer marriages based on joint decisionmaking and shared responsibility for nances and household tasks 0 Although some people are happy in traditional marriages egalitarian marriages seem to offer the best chance for intimacy and happiness Chapter 13 Hurting the Ones We Love Relational Transgression Hurting Feelings Hurt feelings tend to occur in relational contexts The most intense hurt feelings arise when a partner s words or actions communicate devaluation of an individual or a relationship 0 Devaluation involves feeling unappreciated and unimportant Ex Good friend says she s not surprised that you failed an exam because you re not very smart This hurt you because your friend does not value your intellect Behavior Leading to Hurt Feelings Relational Transgression occurs when people violate implicit or explicit relational rules The most commonly identi ed relational transgression are 0 Sexual activity in delity o Wanting or actually dating others 0 Deception about something signi cant Hurtful message words that elicit psychological pain are also relational transgressions Sometimes they re intentional sometimes not Evaluations negative judgments of worth value or quality 0 Ex You re horrible with money 0 Vs o NonEx I really wish we would talk about how we spend our moneyquot Accusations charges about a person s faults or negative actions defensive for yourself 0 Ex Accusing someone of cheating 0 Ex Dr K s feeling got hurt because another professor accused her of leaving her out of the email discussion when really she just forgot to add her Informative statements disclosure of unwanted information 0 Ex I only dated you because I was on the reboundquot Messages are especially hurtful and damaging to relationships when they are perceived to be intentional Directive directions or comments that go against one s desires or imply negative thoughts or feelings 0 Ex Don t call me anymorequot Expressions of desire statements about one s preferences or desWes 0 Ex quotI wish you were like your brotherquot Threat a declaration of intent to in ict punishment under certain conditions 0 Ex quotIf you see him again I ll break up with youquot Question inquiry or interrogation that implies a negative judgment 0 Ex Aren t you nished with school yetquot oke a witticism or prank that insults the partner 0 Ex quotI guess your wife wears the pants in the family and you wear the skirtquot Responses to Hurtful Messages 0 Active verbal responses confronting the partner through positive or negative communication Acquiescent responses giving in and acknowledging the partner s ability to hurt you 0 acting unaffected by the hurtful remark o I do this o A statement that is untrue that distorts the truth 0 Ex One partner says Trust me I didn t do itquot When the other partner knows this is false Deception occurs when people intentionally mange verbal andor nonverbal messages so that the receiver will believe or understand something in a way that the sender thinks is false 0 E the information given is opposite or clearly different form what the deceiver perceives as the truth Eguitation the information given is direct evasive andor ambiguous 0 Making a statement such as saying that your friend s new hairstyle which you hate is the quotlatest fashionquot when you are asked if you like it Concealment relevant information is omitted 0 Ex Ava would be doing this if she decide not to tell Logan about her onenight stand Exaggeration information is overstated details are sometimes added Understatement information is understated certain details are typically downplayed o Minimization downplaying aspects to the truth 0 Dr K will give an examples of these on the test Deception Detection in Relationships Deception detection accuracy is generally low 50 to 60 accuracy 0 Advantages of relational closeness o they have knowledge of partner s typical communication style you know certain information about your relational pattern so your partner can t lie to you about that information Disadvantages of relational closes O o The truth basis people expect others to be honest so they enter conversations without suspicion and do not look for deceptions without suspicion and do not look for deceptive behavior 0 Behavior control people try to control their nervous or guilty behaviors to appear friendly and truthful Pa rtner focused wanting to enhance or protect their self image or wanting to shield themselves from anger embarrassment criticisms or other types of harm Relationshipfocused In the US deception is the most acceptable and least guilt provoking when it is partnerfocused There is cultural variation in how common acceptable and guilt proving different types of deception is Deception in Relationships In certain situations deception may help couples avoid arguments and hurts feelings Deception allows people to downplay their faults and accentuate their virtues o The bene t of positive illusions o Deception during date initiation When people perceive their partners as dishonest they report less relational satisfaction and commitment Sexual in delity occurs when someone engages in sexual activity outside of herhis committed relationship 0 Ex Getting too touch feely with someone whom you re not married to Emotional in delity occurs when someone is emotionally attached to or in love withquot a potential rival Communicative In delity occurs when people engage with sexual activity with a third party to communicate a message to their partner Discovering Sexual In delity Finding out from third party or witnessing the in delity rsthand most relationship damage Having the partner tell you on her or his own least relationship damage Having the partner admit to in delity after you question her or him falls in the middle Other cues to sexual in delity include physical signs changes in sexual behavior and increased or decreased sexual interest Cues to Sexual In delity Indirect physical signs Direct revelations Changes in sexual behavior Exaggerated affection Sexual disinterest Cues to Emotional In delity Loss of love and expression of dissatisfaction Emotional withdraw and reluctance to spend time together Reluctance to talk about a particular person Negative communication patterns re ect guilt anxiety anger and rejection Cues to Emotional and Sexual In delity Apathetic communication Increased contact with and reference to a third party Explanations for Sex Differences in Reactions to In delity The Evolutionary Hypothesis 0 Women get more upset in response to emotional in delity because they worry about losing valuable resources 0 Men get more upset in response to sexual in delity because of pattern uncertainty The DoubleShot Hypothesis 0 Both men and women get most upset with their partners having engaged in both sexual and emotional in delity Explains for Sex Difference in Reactions to In delity If they have to choose which is more upsetting men choose sexual in delity because it also implies emotional in delity eg women are only likely to have sex with someone whom they are emotionally attached with Women choose emotional in delity because it also implies sexual in delity eg men are likely to have had sex with women to whom they are emotionally attached De ning Jealoust Romantic Jealous occurs when an individual worries that a rival could interfere with the existence or quality of herhis relationship 0 Other forms ofjealousy revolve around sex friends family activity power and intimacy 0 Sexual jealousy worrying that rival is having or wants to have sex with another partner 0 Friend jealousy feeling threatened by the partner s relationships with friend such as worrying that your closets friend has a new quotbest friendquot 0 Family jealousy feeling threatened by the partner s relationships with family such as worry that your spouse is closer to this mother than you 0 Activity jealousy worries that the partner s activities such as work hobbies or school are interfering with the relationship 0 Power jealousy perceiving that one s in uence over the partner is being lost to others 0 Intimacy jealousy believing that one s partner is engaging in more intimate communication such as disclosure and advice seeking with someone else Envy occurs when people want something valuable that someone else has Jealous thoughts 0 Primary Appraisals general evaluations about the existence and quality of threat 0 Ex Logan might ask himself questions like this Has Ava been seeing Marc behind my backquot 0 Secondary appraisals 1 Motives for pattern s behaviorinterest Ex Why did Ava hook up with Marcquot 2 Comparisons to the Rival Ex Marc might be smarter than I am but more athletic and caringquot 3 Evaluation of alternatives Ex quotIf Ava dumps me for Marc who would I want to date Would I rather date someone who has been unfaithful to mequot 4 Assessment of potential loss Ex How divesting would it be if Ava and I broke upquot Jealous Emotions 0 Fear of anger are most central Otherjealous emotions include Sandiness Guilt Envy Sexual arousal and attraction Some positive affect such as Love and appreciation OOOOO Communicative Response to Jealousy Constructive response 0 Integrative communication direct nonaggressive communication about jealously with the partner Ex Disclosing feelings and trying to reach and understanding 0 Compensatory restoration behavior aimed at improving the primary relationships or oneself Ex Trying to look more physically attractive giving the partner gifts or extra attention Destructive responses 0 Negative communication direct and indirect aggressive communication with the partner Ex Arguing being sarcastic giving cold or dirty looks withdrawing affection 0 Violent communication threats or actual physical violence against the partner 0 Counter jealousy inductions engaging in actions to make the partner feel jealous Ex Flirting with others Avoidant responses 0 Denial pretending not be jealous o Silence decreasing communication Ex Getting quiet not talking as much as usual Rivalfocused response 0 Signs of possession publicly displaying the relationship so people know the partner is quottakenquot Ex Kissing the partner in front of rivals o Derogating competitors negative comments about potential rivals to the partner and to others Ex Telling the partner about the rival s bad traits o Surveillance behavioral strategies designed to nd out about the rival relationship Ex Checking the partner s cell phone 0 Rival contacts direct communication with the rival about the jealousy situation or rival relationship Unrequited love Involves a wouldbelover and a rejecter Wouldbelovers face the dilemma of deciding whether to hide or share their feelings Rejecters typically report experiencing more negative emotions than do wouldbe lovers 0 The communication script is more de ned for wouldbelovers than rejecters ORI occurs when someone uses intrusive tactics to try to get closer to someone else 0 Common ORI situations involve unrequited love between 0 Mere acquaintances 0 Former relational patterns Stalking behaviors such as following someone everywhere and even violent behavior such as kidnaping or assault 0 Only one person wanting a friendship to turn romantic Examples of ORI behaviors 0 Common forms calling and arguing calling and hanging up repeatedly asking for another chance watching from a distance making exaggerated claims of affection o Sever forms invading one s home damaging property causing physical harm People expend energy to develop or reinitiate relationship to the extend that they perceive a relationship is desirable and attainable When a relationship is perceived to be unattainable people abandon their original goal and seek an alternative ORI behaviors are most likely when people continue to believe a relationship is attainable even though it is not Four Reasons for Continued Pursuit 0 According to Relational Goal Pursuit Theory people continue using ORI behaviors because of 1 Cultural scripts playing hard to getquot 2 The ambiguity of communication related to the initiation reinitiating and rejection of relationships may also keep hope alive 3 Rumination may lead pursuers to redouble their efforts to get close to the desired partner as a way to alleviate the negative affect they are feeling 4 A shift in motivation Relational Violence Percentages of people who can recall at least one incidence of interpersonal violence in their relationship over the last year 0 16 of married couples 0 35 of cohabiting couples 0 30 of dating couples Common Couple Violence 0 A reciprocal and spontaneous form of violence that occurs in the midst of con ict 0 Repeated common couple violence serious con icts escalate into violence on fairly regular basis 0 Isolated common couple violence violence is rare and only occurs when a con ict get especially emotional and aggressive much more common Intimate Terrorism 0 A strategic and enduring pattern that involves using violence to control a partner 0 Usually around 87 of the time intimate terrorism is perpetrated by men on women Perpetrators of intimate terrorism often cycle between being violent and being especially nice apologetic and generous Relationships characterized by intimate terrorism tend to be much more violent than those characterized by common couple violence Chapter 14 Healing the Hurt Relationship Repair and Reconciliation Component of the Model Satisfaction Satisfaction based on rewards costs outcomes and comparison levels 0 Rewards positive consequences of being in a relationship Costs negative consequence so of being in a relationship Outcome rewardcost ratio Comparison level how rewarding or costly you expect your relationship to be 0 People are most satis ed when 0 Rewards outweigh costs 0 The outcome rewardcost ratio is a good or better than the comparison level 0 Investment model of relationship Maintaining Behavior the idea that commitment helps buffer relationship again the destruction that hurtful events and con ict can cause OOO Components of the Model Investment lnvestments unrecoverable inputs that individuals deposit into relationships 0 Intrinsic investments resources put directly into the relationship Ex Money threw collect Ex Emotional support 0 Extrinsic lnvestments resources developed over time as a result of being in the relationship Ex Possessions social networks Components of the Model Quality of Alternatives 0 Quality of Alternatives refers to the expectations people have about the kind of outcomes they could have an alternative s uanns 0 Ex Looking a guy and thinking how much better you would like being with him 0 These outcomes include being wit a different partner or being one s own 0 Poor alternative are related to more commitment good alternatives related to less commitment Components of the Model Commitment 0 Commitment is predicted by 0 High satisfaction 0 High investment 0 Poor quality of alternatives Committed couple are more likely to engage in prorelationship behaviors hat help them maintain and repair their relationships ProRelationship Behaviors Deciding to remain Accommodating the partner 0 Ex How me and Lindsey try love each other better Derogating alternatives 0 Being willing to make sacri ces Perceiving relationship superiority 0 Honor and hold it up The Model of Accommodation 0 An extension of the investment model Slaying te partner l pusitive tunecement could try to work on this gagging to partner This negative tunecement you Fits this issue at we Predicts that when people encounter problems or dissatisfying events in their relationships commitment will predict whether they use constructive or destructive 0 Low commitment destructive responses Ex Not calling each other back 0 High commitment constructive ACCOMMODATION IN CLOSE RELArIONHIP candiddirect Voice I Pa 55 we subtlereundnbeuf Loya Ify Thinking to self it i lust give this issue time it will tix itselt and everything will be fine would appreciate it it we issue together I V 7 EXIf Neg lect Thinking to self This issue is e wcr ste et time l m just gelling ten give up en this reletiensliip 5 Lipid and lim sick of need te break up l L ii i l l 39l l Responses to Dissatisfying Events Studies suggest that commitment satisfaction investments and quality of alternatives can all directly affect whether people use destructive or constructive responses People are also more likely to use constructive responses if they have secure attachment style Antisocial communication insults yelling at one s partner and seeking revenge contribute to cycles of negative behavior in relationships Prosocial communication focus more on reestablishing closeness and connection rather than solving problems 0 Ex While repairing a relationship you try to be more affectionate and spend more time together Remedial Strategies 0 Remedial Strategies focus on speci c behaviors that people engage in to try and x their relationship after they have done something wrong 0 Apologies and concessions Apologies owns the problem quotI m sorry did thatquot Concessions Ex I ll give you this pointquot 0 Appeasement Making it better it better buying someone something Making it up to them 0 Explanations Excuses focus on minimizing responsibility Justi cations focus on minimizing severity o Denials Ex Bill Clinton I did not have sex with that womanquot 0 AvoidanceEvasion Ex Teenagers do it with your parents a lot 0 Relational talk Relationship in vocation n Ex We love each other enough to get threw thisquot Metatak explicit talk about how the transgression has affected the relationship a We talk about the talk a Ex Let s talk with respectquot Characteristics of Forgiveness 0 Acknowledgement of harmful conduct 0 Extension of undeserved mercy o Emotionaltransformation 0 Ex quotIt hurts me that I hurt you so let s work threw this and grow from itquot 0 Relationship renegotiation 0 Ex Let s not let it get this bad next timequot Forgiving Communication 0 Explicit forgiveness o Nonverbal display 0 Ex Can I see it in his face Did he hold me when I was upset o Conditional forgiveness Minimization 0 Ex quotOh that s okay I didn t really get hurt that badquot 0 Discussion Forgiveness and Forgiving Communication is more likely when 0 Apologies lead to empathy The transgression is less serious 0 The relationship was previously satisfying and committed The partner was previously considered to be highly rewarding Reconciliation strategies Explanationdisclosure Relationship referencing Promises Setting the stage Vulnerable appeals Direct request Reintegration into social network 0 Sometimes part of the work of repairing a relationship involves reintegrating into each other s social networks 0 This can be challenging especially after a breakup because 0 This social network may now disapprove of your partner 0 You might lose facequot if you reconcile with your partner 0 Strategies for reintegration into the social network Upda ng 0 Setting rules for how to treat the partner 0 Hedging about the status of the relationship 0 Giving accounts about the break up and reconciliation O Relational rede nition Instead of reconciling some former romantic partners rede ne their relationships 0 Ex Spouses become coparents a romantic relationships is de ned as a friendship When spouses become coparents Some former spouses coparent without being friends other have unidirectional or mutual friendship About 12 regard themselves as perfect palsquot 5 years after the divorce Friendship is more likely if the divorce was nonadversarial although the divorce did not have to be amicable When Romantic partners become friends 0 Many dating couples do not continue any type of relationship after breaking up 0 Among those who do 0 Around 60 showed a pattern of relationship decline over time with commitment to the friendship declining in the months after the break up 0 About 21 of excouples became better friends over time 0 Former romantic couples are more likely to be successful in transition to a friendship if they 0 Engage in re ective talk 0 Realize that they can be happy just being friends or even best friends 0 Exchange social support 0 Communicate forgiveness for actions that occurred when they were a couple Chapter 15 Ending the Relationship Disengagement and Termination Why Relationships End Divorce Data In delityinterest in third party 216 Incompatibility 192 Drinking or drug use 106 Grew apart 96 Partner s personality 91 Lack of communication 87 Physical or psychological abuse 58 Loss of love 43 0 Chronic dissatisfaction temporary dissatisfaction may cause couples to repair and maintain the their relationship but couples with a history of dissatisfaction are at risk for divorce 0 Relationship disillusionment occurs when a person s positive illusions about their partner and relationships fade 9 Not meeting family responsibilities 34 10 Work problems 34 90gt FDP HgtPUE Communication Patterns Related to Breakup o Withdraw Negative communication 0 Lack of openness and intimacy Abusive communication 0 Ex Name calling could be nonverbal too Communication Patterns that help prevent divorce Soften the start up present complaints in gentle noncritical way 0 Ex quotI m really worried about your drinking problemquot Tell your partner what you want rather than what you don t really want 0 Ex Okay so I want you to know before we start this relationship that I don t drinkquot 0 Listen for statements of need and responding with openended queonns 0 Ex I need more time with youquot Okay then why do we go on a vacation so we can get more time in with each otherquot 0 Accept you partner s emotional bias 0 Ex Reaching out and holding their hand or Hey how was your day todayquot 0 Express appreciation 0 Ex Thank you for cookingquot 0 Repairs conversations 0 Establish rituals for connection 0 Ex Cooking dinner together every Sunday 0 Accept in uence 0 Accepting you partner s voice and impact on you and vice versa Duck s Process Model of Dissolution Focuses on communication processes that occur prior to during and after break ups Couples often go through the rst two phrases without breaking up lntrapsychic process 0 These processes are triggered by relational satisfaction or discomfort o This phase can involve 0 Determining one s need and feelings including weighing costs and rewards 0 Initial withdrawal and contemplation 0 Preparing to talk to the partner 0 Ex Before you ever say you re unhappy you start think about it Dyadic Processes 0 These processes resolve around dyadic communication and often include 0 Con ict 0 Shock and surprise 0 Reconciliation o Renegotiation of rules and boundaries 0 You actually talk to the person whom you have a con ict with Dyadic it s just between the two of you Social Processes Social process when couples go publicquot about the problems in their relationship 0 Ex Going to a friend or a councilor o The phase can involve Seeking social support Complaining about the partner Facesaving effects telling one s side of the story Preparing the social network for a possible break up Grave Dressing Processes The processes focus on coping with the breaking up in a socially acceptable way 0 You re standing over the grave and telling your story in order to know that your relationship is dead 0 This phase can involve 0 Developing and re ning the break up storyquot for different audiences o More facesaving communication often differs for the initiators vs the dumpee Resurrection Processes Trying to gure out how to start over and how to see your future without your partner 0 This phases involves nding closure and moving on It includes 0 Visualizing the future without the old partner 0 Taking lessons away from the experience 0 Revising the break up story 0 Exploring new alternatives Catastrophe Theory 0 Some relationships do not gradually unwind through stages of relational dissolution but instead are characterized by sudden death 0 No process of braking up it just suddenly blows up 0 In one study about 25 of people reported that their relationship ended because of a single critical event 0 Such events include o ln delity 0 Serious arguments 0 Physical violence Unilateral indirect strategies for ending relationships Avoidance Relational ruses manipulation 0 Ex Having a friend tell them you re breaking up with her 0 Ex quotYou can t leave me my mom just diedquot Withdrawal of all supportiveness and affection 0 Social support withdrawal means disengage is unavailable to discuss problems or provide comfort and compassion Pseudo deescalation deceptive unethical behavior that shows little regard for one s partner 0 Deescalationfalse declaration to the other party that the relationship would pro t form some distance but is usually a disguised relational break up and can result in a break rather than a breakup Cost escalation attempt to make the relationship unattractive to one s partner 0 Ex Being rude disloyal smoking drinking doing drugs in order for them to break up with them Unilateral direct strategies for ending relationships 0 The direct dump o Fait accompli approach where people forthrightly communicate their desire to end the relationship since this tacit gives the partner no choice or change for a response 0 Dates with other people 0 Negative identity management imposes one person s solution on the other person at the expense of the recipient s feeHngs Ex Person initiating the break up might say quotI told him that l was going to date other people and that he should tooquot Justi cation 0 Appeals to independence type ofjusti cation in dating relationships revolve around desire for autonomy Sometimes people dependent on each other and they feel a loss of independence and individuality Ex quotAt this point in my life I m just not ready to settle down yetquot 0 The relationship talk trick Threats and bullying Positive tone designed to lessen he quotdumpedquot person s hurt feeling and make him or her feel better about the break up Deescalation Bilateral doing it together direct strategies for ending relationships 0 The blame game 0 Ex quotNo it s you re faultquot No it s you re faultquot The negotiated farewell Mutual break up Bilateral Indirect Strategy for Ending relationships Fading away Negative outcomes of relationship breakups Negative emotions Loneliness Financial consequences 0 Ex Lawyers kids 0 Effects on children 0 Living with feuding parents vs dealing with a divorce 0 Feeling caught between parents 0 The intergenerational transmission of divorce the fact that children of divorced parents are about one to two times more likely to get divorced than children of nondivorced parents 0 Health consequences 0 Ex Getting sick loosing weight Positive outcome of relational breakups Personal positives increased selfsuf ciency being able to handle life on one s own Relational positives knowing more about how to communicate with partners as well as how to develop maintain an determinate relationships 0 Environmental positives being able to concentrate more on school work friends 0 Future positives knowing what one wants and does not want in future relationships


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