CMS 315 - Interpersonal Communication - Test 2 Quizlet (lectures) Quizlet (SI) (with permission from the deck creator) Alternative notes Chapter 7 - Foundations of Intimate Dialogue ● Theory of love ○ Two points ■ Love can manifest itself in many different ways ■ Different people can If you want to learn more check out cans com ua
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have different orientations/styles of love ● 6 styles of love ○ Love of beauty - intense physical attraction to partner ■ Strong emotional peaks and valleys ○ Playful love - flings, not serious love ■ Problems arise when one person wants a deeper commitment ○ Companionate love - love grows over time, best friends ○ Obsessive love - mix of love of beauty and playful love ■ Limerence is also discussed here- the book says this is not love. It is a preoccupation with the object of their love during sleeping and waking hours. ○ Realistic love - combination of playful love and companionate love ■ Importance based on how compatible both people are ○ Altruistic love - Always put the other person needs before your own ● Davis and Todd’s Theory of Love ● Three main components ○ Friendship ■ Enjoyment: activities more fun when it’s with them ■ Acceptance: appreciate style ■ Trust ■ Respect ■ Mutual assistance ■ Confiding: he tells me secrets that he would tell no one ■ Understanding: know what turns him/her off ■ spontaneity: feel comfort ○ Passion ■ Fascination: person is always in their head ■ Exclusiveness: bond between them is different from bond between anybody else ■ Sexual desir ○ Caring ■ Giving utmost ■ champion/advocate: defending other person ● Foundations of intimacy ○ Personality and early experiences - we bring our character into the relationship ○ Situational and development factors ■ Sometimes circumstances are very important for fostering or breaking apart romantic relationships○ Cultural guidelines - every culture has its own specific timeline for when intimate relationships are supposed to start ○ Emotional arousal and label - learn label from observation; once label a relationship as emotional, it’ll affect expectations, perceptions, and motivation ○ Self fulfillment - the more one’s needs are met by a relationship the stronger the relationship is ■ Affection: satisfaction of one’s needs of affection = basic requirement for intimacy; may be called a sense of belonging ■ Self esteem: communication regarding self-respect, recognition, appreciation, status; both partners need to think about self-identities in order to form a unified identity ■ Security needs: basic resources, but also psychological security - absence of threats, presence of ego-support, healthy amount of predictability in relationship and environment ■ Freedom: growing and changing; the partner needs to understand that people are dynamic; need to respect how their partner is growing => don’t limit each other ■ Equality: checks and balances in relationship ○ Self-surrender - the more you’re willing to give up the stronger the relationship will be ○ Commitment to a joint identity - demonstrating an ongoing commitment to the relationship, e.g. being faithful Chapter 8 - everything will be on the test ○ Four functions of self disclosure (ph 264-268) ■ Catharsis - get off of your chest ■ the need to be open - needing to tell someone something ■ strategy - Trying to get something out of being open ■ manipulation - Trying to hurt, shock, or embarrasses someone ○ Lying behaviors ■ Anxiety response - from guilt/psychological distress; signs include blushing, shaking, trembling voices ■ Excessive response - too (in)active, talk too much/less, staring/ no eye contact, defensive ■ Indirect response - answer a question with a question, change subject, vague, increase distance between other person ■ Incongruous - verbals and nonverbal reactions don’t match (contradiction) ○ Types of talk that make constructive conflict more likely ■ Decrease negative problem talk - “problem is too big to handle" ■ Decrease negative solution talk - don’t offer solutions that won’t work ■ Decrease mind reading ■ Decrease critical talk ■ Increase listen talk - “So you’re saying that…" ■ Increase positive problem talk - “we’re going to figure this out" ○ When fight is over (pg 288) ■ Confrontation of the fight is periodically reviewed ■ Participants are going to give progress reports ■ Engage in reassurance rituals - tell partner that you still care ■ Forecasts and tests - handling of obstacles when they come up Chapter 9 - Commitment and intimacy (PG 302) ○ Three types of commitment■ Want-to commitment - commitments that are your own choice ■ Have-to commitment - ex: arranged marriages; commitment based on what you have to do, not what you want to do ■ Ought to commitment - moral choice in commitment; feelings based on obligation ○ Six dimensions of commitment ■ Perceiving a rewarding future ■ Identifying with the relationship - you + me = we ■ Fewer alternatives - small town girl goes to big college ■ Willingness to exert effort - desire to make the relationship work ■ Investing more - after you’ve tended a garden, you want it to live ■ Accepting responsibility ○ Categories of Personal idioms (312) ■ Expressions of affection - express love, reassure/compliment partner ■ Teasing insults - playfulness ■ Partner nicknames ■ Names for others - names that communicate inside jokes ■ Requests and routines - ways that you express things that are specific to a couple; cues for wanting to do something ■ Confrontations - Calling someone out that they do (teasing, e.g. “pulling a ____”) ■ Sexual invitations - ways to propose sexual intercourse ■ Sexual references and euphemisms ○ Persuasion ■ Familiarity - you know partner’s weak spots and know how to use arguments to win partner over ■ Repeated opportunities ■ Trust - people believe when you try to persuade a partner it’s for their own good ■ Obligations to cooperate ○ Will not be on test ■ intimate play ■ intimacy without words Chapter 10 - communication and the process of relationship disengagement ○ Reasons for breaking up ■ 10 most common “trouble areas” for couples ■ Breakdown in communication ■ Loss of shared goals/interests ■ Sexual incompatibility ■ Infidelity ■ The loss of excitement/ fun from marriage ■ Money ■ Conflicts about children ■ alcohol/drug abuse ■ Women’s inequality issues ■ in-laws ○ Reasons why relationships pass away ■ Jealousy ■ Time jealousy: “I need more time with you”■ Person jealousy: one partner may be threatened/irritated by a specific person their partner has chosen to relate with ■ Opportunity and situation jealousy: “I feel excluded from things with you” ○ Five messages strategies people use when breaking up ■ Positive tone - sugarcoating the message ■ Negative identity management - making it seem like breakup is good for the other person ■ Justification - “I had to do this" ■ Behavioral de-escalation - implicit way of escalation (don’t tell you want to break up but instead give signs) ■ De-escalation - verbally saying “I want to slow down" ○ Duck’s four phases of relationship de escalation ■ Intrapsychic phase - You are assessing the other person’s behavior that makes you want to break up; you talk to yourself as you assess ■ Dyadic phase - you and partner discussing if relationship is worth saving ■ Social phase - publicly acknowledging you are broken up ■ Grave-dressing phase - Physically, psychologically, socially ending relationship; officially done Chapter 11 - Patterns that tend to be destructive in relationships ○ Overly Helpful/critical patterns - when people are overly helpful, they are always trying to tell you how to feel, what to think, etc. (mindreading); when people are critical, the never give you the chance (raw negativity, sarcasm) ○ Active/passive patterns - people who talk too much/too little ○ Aggressive/Evasive Patterns ■ 4 ways to evade ■ Changing focus of responsibilities (“See what you made me do?”, “If it weren’t for you….”) ■ Changing direction of conversation (shift topic or focus) ■ Changing level of conversation (specific to general, serious to joke, etc.) ■ Sending incongruous messages (sarcasm) ■ 5 Stages of aggression ■ Repartee - teasing remarks ■ Cliche - Jokes become a little more aggressive ■ Name calling ■ Provocation - “If you don’t do this, then I’m going to do that” etc ■ Physiological denigration - violent hitting ○ Dominating and submissive patterns ■ Assert authority ■ nullification - denying requests outright ■ Isolation - trying to dominate someone by cutting them off from other people ■ Defamation - trying to ruin reputation ■ Expulsion - kicking people out of one’s life ○ Certain/provisional people - certain: being a "know it all"; provisional: being unsure, swaying Chapter 12 - evaluating and developing effective communication in relationships ○ Predictions about people ■ Cultural - making predictions based on race/ethnicity ■ Sociological - making predictions based on reference/social groups ■ Physiological - predictions based on actual person○ 3 conditions when accuracy may not be helpful ■ Irreconcilable differences - fundamental disagreement, won’t solve shit ■ Benevolent misconceptions - Misbeliefs are good for relationship, sometimes ■ Blunt unpleasant truths - Soften unpleasant messages when conveying message ○ 4 pathways to miscommunication ■ When the intent and message do not correspond - do not intend to do what you say ■ When listener infers wrong intent, even tho speaker encodes the intent properly ■ When the speaker and listener both make errors ■ When both speaker and listener both convey message correctly, something else intervenes ○ 4 Necessities for developing social competence ■ Knowledge ■ Experiences ■ Motivation ■ Attitudes Notes From Class Friendships ○ Growing into friendship ■ Momentary - play next to each other, not together (short period of time; e.g. preschool) ■ One way- your teacher being your friend when you were younger (one person may perceive the other as a friend, but the other person does not sense a friendship) ■ Fair weather - friends during the good times, but when things go downhill it's bye felicia ■ Mutual sharing - best friend “ you have no other friends” ■ Autonomous- you know they have other friends ○ Adult friendships ■ Associative friendships - friends because you share common association ■ Receptive friends - oneway friends. Ex: patients to doctors ■ Reciprocal: true friends, long-lasting (e.g. talk to friends from college after college) ■ self-disclosure ■ responsiveness ■ interaction ■ positivity ○ Characteristics ■ Gende ■ Men have more friends, women have deeper friends ■ women better at maintaining friendships ■ Men friendships - activity based ■ Women - talk based ■ Male-male friendships last longer than female-female friendships ■ Men decrease new friends by 30, women get new friends after 40 ■ Tolerance ■ Men are more tolerant for their friends ■ Age- 80 year olds have most friends, mid adolescence: hardest time for friends, loneliest age group ■ Relational dominance■ Similarity- we like people who are the same as us, same attitude,taste and beliefs ■ Proximity ○ Functions - utility, pleasure, virtue ○ Making friends ■ Sharing common interest ■ Reciprocity ■ Support the friend’s self identity ■ Time is a must- make it a priority ■ Labeling things positively ■ Be flexible ■ Cross sex friendships ■ What you don’t talk about- current bf, sex ■ Gender differences ■ Men want more ■ Marital status-single people want them more than married ■ Age- either very young or very old, not really in between ■ Why they end ■ Grow apart/fade away ■ Romantic relationship ■ Raising romance ■ Conflict ■ Giving up friends ■ dissimilarity ■ Fights and flaws ■ time ■ Distance ● Loneliness ○ Characteristics ■ Perceived: sometimes you feel lonely even when surrounded by people ■ Not meeting needs ■ Loneliness is not real ○ Correlates of loneliness ■ Lonely people see ■ The world less accurately: anger, fear, sadness ■ Fixate more on negative people ■ Less trust in others ■ Physiology ■ Die younger ■ Higher blood pressure ■ More drinking ■ More obese ■ Take less care of themselves ○ Situational loneliness ■ Everyone has - e.g. homesickness ■ Initiators: change in situations ■ go to a party by yourself and you don’t know anyone: you (could) start conversations with people ■ Go to a friend’s party: the friend (could) drag you around to meet people■ Coping- proactiveness ■ Go to some place regularly ■ Do some activities ■ Catastrophize loneliness ○ Chronic loneliness ■ Gender difference: men and women equally feel lonely ■ Age: 14 y/o’s are most lonely - they tend to idealize friendships, so these misinterpretations of friendships cause them to shove people away ■ External locus of control ■ Lower self-esteem ■ Rigid rules ■ Social skills deficit ■ Interactions are of poorer quality and provided less support/comfort ■ Less positive treatment from service providers ■ Lonely people behave in ways such that they encourage others not to interact with them ■ When people believe someone is lonely, they interact less with lonely people Interpersonal Communications and Deaf People ● Deaf people live and function in a very different communication world from that of people with normal hearing ○ There are similarities BUT there are crucial differences ○ Being a foreigner in your own land ● Communication in deaf life ○ Encounter on a train: a woman and a girl sat across from each other and exchanged words via writing ○ Bus station episode: a customer said “I’m deaf but I can read your lips”, yet the employee communicated to the customer in writing ○ A four-year-old interpreting a phone call for his dad ○ Parents cannot hear children -- good and bad ■ Good: cannot hear the yelling, screaming ■ Bad: cannot discipline the children to be quiet ○ The best way to stop an argument with a deaf person: close your eyes ● Deaf communications ○ Deafness: hearing loss so severe such that the person’s sense of hearing is not functional for ordinary purposes of communication, even with a hearing aid ○ Hard of hearing: if crank up volume, the person is able to hear ○ Prelinguistic deafness: acquired before the acquisition of language ■ Congenital (@ birth) or before 3 years of age ● Modes of communication ○ Multimodality: deaf individuals are visually oriented ■ Without sense of hearing, the usual channel for natural speech and language acquisition is missing => look at lips moving ■ Oral modes (speech, listening, lipreading) ● Assistive listening devices (hearing aids, cochlear implants) ■ Manually coded (signed) english: “show english on hands” to accompany speech■ Writing ■ American sign language ● channels ○ Head, face (e.g. direction of gaze, head tilt) ○ Hands, arms ■ Handshape is like speech sound ■ Placement of hands: location ■ Movement ■ Face of hands: orientation ○ Body, shoulders ○ Grammatical role of 3-D space itself ● Features of deaf communication ○ Multimodality, bilingualism ○ Signaling strategies (e.g. flip light switch, stomp on the floor, wave) ○ Use of eyes (e.g. don’t want to get interrupted: look away, sigh) ○ Interpreters ○ Technologies: TDD (over regular phone lines, precursor to texting), text pager, videophone conversations ○ Must adapt (e.g. at a dark place, turn on the lights; signaling devices such as “baby criers”; driving; arms loaded, etc.) ○ Can be a challenge for such interpersonal processes as self-disclosure ● Tips for encounters ○ Speech style: clear and focused ○ Visual (body) style: watch for lighting, don’t turn back ○ Ask for guidance ○ Tips on use of interpreters: talk directly to the deaf person Happiness ● Happiness matters ● Happy people ○ Are healthier ○ Live longer ○ Have more stable romantic relationships (stay married more) ○ More productive at work ● What doesn’t matter ○ No gender difference in happiness ○ Weather ○ Attractive people are no happier ○ Moving ● Positive illusions matter: considered good-looking boosts happiness ● Demographics matter ○ Younger people less happier than older people ○ Religious people are happier ● Relationships matter ○ Happier people have stronger social networks ○ People in long-term relationships are happier ○ DON’T MARRY CRAZY NEUROTIC PEOPLE○ Women who marry spouses who give higher priority to family are happier ○ Having close friendships ○ Having children lowers happiness but happiness increases when they grow up and leave home ● Focus on what you can control ○ You cannot control situations/concerns ○ People can influence you, but do not have direct control over you ○ You are able to control how you feel/act in situations ● Take care of your body ○ E.g. exercise ● Close the loop: thank people who have made a difference ○ Saying “Thank you” matters more than thinking “Thank you” ○ Gender differences: men are less likely to feel/express gratitude than women ● Value experiences ○ Experiences improve with time because they tend to take on new meanings in our minds, but entities tend to get old ○ People mentally revisit experiences => experiences provide pleasure long after the event itself ○ Cannot compare experiences ○ Experiences tend to be unique, so adapt more slowly to them ■ adaptation/ habituation is the enemy of happiness ■ Can make friends when traveling by yourself ● Count your blessings ○ Thinking about happy life-events for 8min/day has big effects ○ Value entire package ○ Avoid habit: more mysterious experiences, more prolonged joy ● Practice strengths ○ Focus on your strengths and don’t fret about what can’t be changed ○ Understand intimacy between strengths and weaknesses ■ Improve on weaknesses ■ Any strength has a weakness; can have shortcomings (e.g. outgoing but don’t listen v well) ○ Do meaningful things (e.g. volunteer work) ● Frame things positively ○ Enjoy: find positive places, listen to music ○ Act happy: smile, enjoy moments, celebrate successes of others, downward comparisons ● Stay hopeful ○ Ratio: future / memories ○ Hope is a function of goals, agency, pathways, social support ● Invest time and energy in friends and family ● Practice random acts of kindness ○ Give to people, not orgs ○ Never loan money to a friend; give them money ○ Caregivers are 75% happier than sales people ● Avoid downers ○ Stop being a perfectionist ○ Ignore the past ○ Avoid people and places that stress you ○ Social media makes people feel bad■ The longer people spend on facebook, the more they think their life is unfair and that they’re less happy than their friends => creates envy ● Learn to forgive ○ Grudges make you feel old ○ But! Forgiveness can backfire if the “bad” person has a tendency to repeat the behavior ■ Conditions of forgiveness: you want to keep the relationship, person is not likely to repeat the act, the person rarely does the act ● Savor life’s joys ○ Walking in green spaces makes you happier ● Avoid irrational thinking ○ Catastrophe thinking: exaggerating harmful effects ■ E.g. criticism from teacher makes you think you’re going to fail ○ Overgeneralizing: interpreting one unpleasant situation as a part of an endless pattern ■ When you get turned down for a date, you think everyone will turn you down ● Practice self-affirmations of values ○ “I messed up, but i’ve got a great personality” ○ Self-affirmation: reminding yourself what a great person you are ● Segment pleasures and collapse pain ○ Enemy of happiness is adaptation; get used to things gives less pleasure, come to take things for granted Shyness ○ Dispositional shyness - generally a shy person ■ Educational - outgoing people generally do better ■ Occupational - shy people generally get lower initial pay ■ Relational - shy people stick longer with partner ■ Dating anxiety - fear of having to go out with other people ■ Causes ■ Genetic ■ Reinforcement model ■ Punishment - a quiet child is a good child ■ Non-responsiveness - neglect ■ Learned helplessness - we want our actions to have predictable outcomes ■ Sometimes we give up on activities and think “what’s the use?” ■ Example: mother comes home from work one day and greets her child warmly; the next day she’s grouchy and lets out frustration onto her child → eventually the child withdraws (doesn’t see a point in greeting his/her mom) and becomes shy ■ Skills - Maybe one didn’t learn early enough ■ Modeling - when parents are quiet, kids are quiet too; area of upbringing has a role as well ■ Reducing dispositional shyness ■ Behavioral therapies ■ Systematic desensitization - relaxing muscles ■ Cognitive restructuring - trying to get rid of cognitive beliefs that are wrong ■ Visualization● Skills training ○ Situational (everyone encounters) ■ Causes ■ Conspicuousness - when everyone is looking you generally feel more shy ■ Rigid rules- situations can force you to act a specific way, cannot be charismatic at a funeral ■ Labels- when acting out in a certain situation would give you a label, talking at church makes you a sinner, ■ Evaluation- when people are likely to make a judgement about you, job interview ■ Novelty/Ambiguity- new situations make you less likely to speak Self Disclosure ○ Functions ■ Expressive - sometimes you just want scream & let it out ■ Seeking validation - ie. thinking “I’m really weird” ■ Clarification -clarify verbally ■ Relationship Development ■ Information-giving - ie. telling doctor why you have a xx on your xx ■ Impression management -used to manipulate people; disclose good things ■ Rewards - disclosing lights up the part of your brain that is also associated with both primary and secondary rewards ■ Seeking advice - “What do you think I should do?” ○ We trust more unintentional disclosure than honest disclosure ■ Overheard disclosure is generally trusted more ○ Honesty vs accuracy ■ Can be honest but inaccurate (think something is true, so say it, but it’s not really true) ■ Can be dishonest but accurate (saying that some style is trending to make the person rocking it feel better, and the style turns out to be actually trending) ■ Can be honest and accurate (a teacher lecturing/tutoring a student) ■ Can be dishonest and inaccurate (a person telling another person that a guy is into her, when they really don’t think so, but the guy is actually into her) ○ Depth vs breadth ■ Depth: how intimate?; start with non-intimate disclosure ■ Breadth: how broad (the number of topics discussed is high) ■ Just met: not deep, not broad ■ Acquaintance: not deep, but broad ■ Short fling: deep, but not broad ■ Long term: deep and broad ○ Clarity vs valence ■ Clarity: indescribable feeling; cultures have different feelings that are often untranslatable ■ E.g. some words that reflect certain feelings in a different language do not have a direct English translation and vice-versa; so english-speakers would have to find a word that would best fit the translation of this feeling and vice-versa ■ Valence: Like positive disclosure more, but trust negative disclosure more ○ Relevance vs. appropriateness ■ Relevance: “Where did that come from?”, “Makes no sense”■ Appropriateness: “why mention it here at this time?” e.g. ask about sex life during family dinner ○ Correlates ■ Personality ■ Shyness - extroverts disclose more ■ Self esteem - good self esteem generally disclose more, low self esteem disclose more negative ■ Sex ■ Women generally receive more disclose ■ Attractiveness - tend to disclose to people uglier than themselves ■ Behavior ■ Dyadic effect -if you want to talk about something deeper, you start, and the person reciprocates ■ Interruptions - kill disclosure ■ Alcohol - will make you disclose more but it doesn’t tell you the accuracy. ■ Environment ■ Lighting - tend to disclose more in dimly lit rooms ■ Fewer participants ○ Evaluating Disclosures ■ Timing - when there’s a big event you disclose more, if you disclose too early people feel uncomfortable ■ Equity - we want the other person to disclose as much as we do ■ Distinctiveness - The exclusiveness of knowing a disclosure makes you feel better ■ Sex- women are expected to disclose more and it is assumed that something is wrong if she doesn’t disclose. If they disclose a little bit more than expected than they are respected. For men it doesn’t matter. ○ Family disclosures ■ Couples - couples generally match disclosures ■ Why people don’t disclose: reason for not wanting to disclose may be the same for both partners ■ Satisfaction - couples who disclose more are generally happier ■ Relationship length ■ Working vs at home - husband and wife who work outside of home disclose more ○ Children ■ Mom vs dad ■ Availability : side to side vs face to face ■ Getting it : whoever is around more, gets more disclosure; which parent will “get it” aka understand you more ■ Evaluation:child will disclose more with the parent who would judge them less ■ Trust ■ Topic : who do you talk to about birth control ■ Satisfaction - Mum’s satisfaction to being a mom is closely tied to her children telling her secrets ■ Amount discrepancy- telling them what they want to hear/tell only part of story ■ Parents vs peers ■ 11-12 year old girls tell their mom more stuff than 16-17 year old girls ■ If you treat your parent like a friend, more than a parent, you can disclose more willingly to your parent○ Getting someone to talk more to us (Why not disclose?) ■ Socialization- way your family behaves effects you (some families don’t scream, or discuss things in public, some talk about anything anytime) ■ Not rewarded & fear of consequences- ■ Role assignments- “dads are stiff; moms are more understanding and compassionate” ■ Power position- you feel empowered having secrets ■ No reciprocation- dont tell people things if they dont tell you anything ■ Disinterest- if you dont care, they wont tell ■ Time & distractions- you tell more when youre with someone for longer/ or no distractions ■ Inability to articulate- dont know how to talk about it Pick-ups and Love ● Most people meet spouse through a mutual friend ● Becoming more acceptable to meet people online ● Stages ○ Assess qualifiers - are they good enough ■ Extraordinary - something most people don’t have but people know about；ie. Extremely good looking ■ Esoteric - very few people have it or know about it; ie. Reading a Korean book in Starbucks (in the U.S.) and picking up people who know Korean ○ Assess availability - ie. a girl with a boyfriend with her is not available ○ Find an opener ■ Innocuous (“can you pass me that drink”) ■ Flippant - humorous, work well when you’re drunk ■ Direct Approach (“hello, want to meet up tonight) ○ Find an integrative topic (why people tend to ask about majors) ○ Present a “come-on” self ■ Dark environment/romantic music helps ○ Schedule a 2nd encounter ● Love ○ Types ■ Passionate ■ Altruism - doing anything for the other ■ Lust - wanting their body ■ Attractiveness - think partner is good-looking, everything about that partner is good/attractive ■ Companionate love ■ Respect ■ Congeniality - get along with each other ■ Commitment ■ Fidelity ■ Responsibility ● Falling in love - correlates ○ Romanticism ■ men have more unrealistic beliefs, women talk about it more ○ Love experiences: men have more than women○ Timing ■ Historically men love first, but men and women fall in love about the same time ○ Physical attraction ■ Men care more about it; women spend more time getting ready ○ Partner idealization ■ Women idealize more ● Making it stick ○ Positive illusions matter ■ Women have stronger positive illusions about partners than men ■ Men only have stronger illusions when they are very committed to their relationship ○ Respect and trust ○ Continued engagement ■ Talking/doing things together in the relationship ■ Parents need to date ■ How to fall back in love ■ Think positive thoughts ■ Make small tweaks (e.g. hug goodbye, listen) ■ Smile ■ Have sex ■ Broaden perspective (see partner through the eyes of an outsider) ■ Let it go (embrace qualities) ■ Try new things together ■ Ask questions ● Sex ○ Sex and communication ■ Talking about sex is good ■ Easier to talk about it earlier in the relationship ■ Communication during sex is hella dope ○ Sex and romance ■ Sex does not make couples happier (?) ■ Feelings of love ■ Sexual intimacy ■ Desire for frequent sex ■ Monogamy - most are raised in a monogamous belief ■ Sexual satisfaction ⇔ marital satisfaction ■ Sex makes happy in marriage; happy in marriage makes sex ○ Sex and life-span ■ Most have little or no sex (older people) ■ Frequency decreases ■ Children and frequency of sex decreases ■ Sex drive decreases for women more ○ Gender differences and sex ■ woman ■ more relationship/person oriented ■ See sex in terms of romance ■ Sexual activity more variable (when in relationship high; when not in relationship little to none) ■ Greater plasticity in sexual orientation■ Men ■ See sexuality in everyday behaviors ■ More interested in sex (recreational) ■ Want more partners ■ Willing to engage in sex sooner ■ More permissive attitudes about sex ○ People have regrets about sex ■ Inconsistent with morals ■ Alcohol influenced decision ■ Realized they didn’t want the same thing as partner ■ No condom ■ Felt pressured by partner ■ Planned to wait until marriage Long Distance Relationships ● Types of LDRs ○ Distance - physical distance ○ Access - having access makes it easier ● Advantages to LDRs ○ personality characteristics ■ Sailor on every boat - it’s easier to cheat on partners ■ “High achiever” - omit the hassle of face-to-face; i.e. one wants to go to Harvard Medical school, the other who wants to go to Stanford Law School ○ Positive consequences of LDRs ■ More control ■ More personal time ■ More friendships ■ Other relationships ■ More partner idealizations and “first dates” - why people are happier for longer in LDRs ■ Survival skills - you learn to be independent ● Disadvantages to LDRs ○ Loneliness - you call they can’t answer ○ Tension/ stress - it’s harder to make up after a fight ○ Other relationships ○ Break-ups ● Nine predictors of success in LDRs ○ 1. Money - flight tickets and gas are expensive ○ 2. Support system - people that help you get through the relationship ■ Family - who do you spend time with; if they like your partner they’ll help you out more ■ Friends - ie. you drink then you hook up. Friends who don’t like your partner will ask you to drink more haha ○ 3. Rules - you need to talk about these rules so that one side wouldn’t feel taken advantage of; *best rules are the flexible rules and you both have to agree on it ■ reciprocity - ie. I send you a birthday card, you send one back ■ Fidelity - ie. I won’t work with any other girls in group project ○ 4. Prior experience ■ with person - you trust each other more■ with relationships - you learn what to believe and what not to; wiser ■ with LDRs ○ 5. Shared trajectory - have shared goals/destinations...but it has to end at some point ○ 6. frequency of visits ○ 7. Sharing - you have clothes and makeup at your partner’s place ○ 8. Talk ■ small talk- “how was your day?” (heavy talk- “ily”, “imy”) ● small talk is better than heavy talk because small talk has more depth (can go into more detail when engaging in small talk, which increases intimacy) ■ technology ○ 9. Choice perceptions - perceive that you have no choice to be in LDR, since you guys are off pursuing different things at different places => makes you stay in LDR Relational Control ● Principles of control ○ Least interest: “the more you care, the stupider you are” ■ You care, so you show love; but the other person doesn’t care, so they don’t reciprocate the love ○ Alternatives: more alternatives, more power ■ College: open window of alternatives ○ Resource control: more resources, more control ■ More money, more control; more education, more control ○ Scarcity: value scarce items ■ Anything with perceived value is scarce ■ Beanie babies - only so many were released and then they were retired ● When they were retired, people started to look for alternatives that were just as good ○ Rewards: have more power when rewarded ■ Receiving hug, status, spending time, money, etc. makes you feel more powerful ● Characteristics ○ Contracts ■ Implicit: create assumptions about what the other person is okay with without actual discussion; assumptions can be inaccurate ■ Explicit: actually discussing with the partner ○ Relational expectations ■ Short-term: expectations need to be met; but if not met, can end relationship ■ Long-term: there needs to be equity ● Equity: do as much as the other person; if fail to meet, that will lead to disappointment ○ Violations ■ Dissatisfaction ■ Coping strategies (ways of justification) ○ Complementary vs. symmetry ■ Complementary: opposite; symmetry: same ■ Locus of control ● External: fate/chance drives life ● Internal: control is in your hands○ Fairness ■ Outcome fairness ● Violations: overreward- guilt (coming from the person who rewards); underreward- anger (coming from the rewarded) ■ Equity ● Comparison: how you're treated compared to others ● When we think things are inequitable ○ Alter what we put into the relationship ○ Alter what we expect to get out ○ Alter what we want the other person to put into the relationship ○ Alter what the other person gets out of the relationship ○ Distort perceptions of input or outcomes ○ Choose different person to compare ourselves to ○ Leave situation ■ Procedural fairness ● Outcome does not matter, what matters is process that resulted in outcome ■ Interactional: people want to be heard ● Agreement does not matter, just want a listening ear Jealousy ● Two types ○ Social comparison jealousy (envy): when you want something people have that you don’t have ■ Why? ● Negative ● Relevant ● Similar: e.g. same age ■ Consequences ● Degrade the other person ● Happy when they fail ● Negative self-image ● Depression and anxiety ● Motivation ○ Social relational jealousy: when you perceive threat to relationship ■ Causes ● Sense of loneliness ● Uniqueness: partner says “no one’s like you”, but talks about ex ● Monogamy ● Esteem: get more jealous when don’t feel good about yourself ● Rules: jealousy happens when violate romantic rule ● Context: appropriate situation ○ E.g. prom: go as a group ○ Correlates ■ Self-esteem ■ Self-esteem dependence ● Depend on partner for self-esteem; partner shapes mood ● However, there is self-esteem independence ■ Locus of control: ex-partner ■ Sex: males and females equally experience jealousy● Boys externalize: see their girl with another guy, punch the guy ● Girls internalize: see their guy with another girl, “what’s wrong with me?” ■ Relationship uncertainty ○ How to respond to feeling jealous ■ express feelings ■ Express only negative feelings ■ Denial and distancing ■ violence/threats ■ Surveillance ■ Compensate: get even ■ Manipulation attempts (make people stay with you) ■ Derogate and confront rival ○ How to cope ■ Self-related responses ● Acknowledge feelings ● Considerate restraint ○ Delay responses (wait till you’re not jealous) ○ Soften responses (ask questions more) ● Other related responses ○ Reassure the person ○ Relabel “jealousy” with “insecurity”, “scared”, “lonely” ○ Identify expectations: going out vs. really friendly ○ Specify behavior ■ What bothers you ■ What bothers them ○ Jealousy contract: “this is okay, this is not” ○ Reduce other’s dependency ● Affairs ○ What is an affair? ■ Sexual? Emotional (exchanging secrets)? Both? ■ Physical? Nonphysical (over phone, internet)? ○ Why people have? ■ Increase rewards (fun) ■ Increase self-rewards (self-esteem) ■ Test relationship ■ Getting even ■ unplanned ○ How often happen? ■ Women have more ● women cheat more nowadays: working more (at workplace more) and changing morals ○ Gender differences ■ Men more likely to have for excitement ■ Women more likely to have when emotionally distressed ● Justify affairs to have happened because they “fell in love” ○ Coping after getting caught ■ justifications : give reasons (usually relationship ends) ■ excuses : e.g. drunk■ Apology (if want to keep relationship) Unfair fighting ○ Types of conflicts ■ Substantive - conflict where there’s a subject and an answer or an opinion can be reasoned ■ E.g. A: “the capital of North Carolina is Charlotte”; B: “the capital of North Carolina is Austin” ■ Procedural - fighting about what comes first; ie. go to have dinner or park first ■ Affective - fighting about each other and about the relationship; ie. telling your sister "you're the worst" ○ Unfair fighting ■ Exploitative ■ Hitting below the belt - tackling a touchy subject ■ Morality - bringing religion into the fight ■ Blaming the other for something they can’t control ■ Comparisons- Bringing up an ex and comparing ■ Indirect unfair fighting - ie. calling your partner’s mother when you guys fight ■ Overemotional - crying in the fight and using your tears to manipulate them. ■ Hit and run - being relentless and bringing the same issue up over and over. Eventually you’ll wear them down and give in. Girls are more relentless and seek out while men withdraw to control anger. ■ Violence- If physical violence occurs, just leave because nothing productive will come out of it. ■ Psyching the person out ■ Mind reading - “I know what you’re thinking right now" ■ Character analysis - “You are a worthless human being" ■ Prediction making - “You will die lonely" ■ Conversational techniques ■ Monologue ■ Silence ■ Constant interruptions ■ Switching topics ■ Topics ■ Levels: specific to general (vice-versa as well) ■ Extremities ■ Overkill - “That’s it, that’s nuts, I’m gonna…." ■ Never forgive/forget- relationships are about forgiving and forgetting ■ Unrealistic threats- I’m not paying your tuition ■ You don’t think they’re real but you’re scared that that will happen at the same time ■ Irrelevant weapons- random topics that make no sense in context of the fight. ■ Crazy making( make someone go crazy) ■ Deny obvious feelings ■ Being intentionally inconsistent ■ Denying that you wanted something after getting it ■ Agree to something then denying that you talked about it■ “Gas lighting” - They make you think you are crazy ■ build up hopes, then shatter them ■ Follow the letter of the law, not the spirit of the law ■ E.g. teacher docking off points because go over margin ■ Psychologize: analyze every move, trying to find deeper meaning ■ Never stop (like hit-and-run) ■ Ignore/disconfirm: ignoring people disconfirms relationships ■ Be face threatening ■ The importance of face ■ Core face concerns ■ Need for autonomy ■ Individual concerns ■ Stepping on face ■ Reactions: ■ Seethe inside ■ resist ■ Lash out ■ How to avoid stepping on face ■ Figure out people’s face concerns ■ Communicate in non-face threatening ways ■ Rebuttals ■ Never accuse someone of being persistent Dark Side Relational Communication ● Relational communication ○ Relationships that are: ■ Close, have enduring bonds, voluntary, having attachment, provide need fulfilment (affection, inclusion, control), irreplaceable (“snowflake”) ○ Who? ■ NOT: strangers, parent/siblings (family), doctor/nurse (health), coworkers (organizational) ■ Friends, boyfriend/girlfriend ● Dark side communication ○ People do the meanest things to those they are closest to ○ Dysfunctional, destructive, distressing ■ Rumors and gossip → stop you from what you want to do ○ Socially deviant ■ Disruptive, rude, awkward, annoying ○ Exploits innocence: harm people who cannot protect themselves ■ Catfishing: exploit trust ○ Unfulfilled: Plans go away, some things never come to fruition, just can’t talk about things because we're scared ■ Break-ups - accept that some things you wanted to happen with a partner will never be fullfilled after a break. That’s okay. ■ ○ Unattractive ■ Teasing, rejection○ Objectification: take away rights/ someone’s full person away ■ Stalking, sexual coercion ○ It’s everywhere ■ Normatively and functionally productive: social support ■ Normatively productive but functionally destructive: honesty ■ Normatively destructive but functionally productive: jealousy ■ Normatively and functionally destructive: violence ● Hooking up ○ Variance in definition across geographies and generations ○ What is it? ■ 2 people or more, casual acquaintances, sexual behavior, no future commitment ● Sexual double standard ○ Are men and women equal in hook-up society? ■ Society has different rules for men and women for sex ● Men have more leeway ○ Why do women seek more committed relationships? ■ Biological concerns (pregnancy) ■ Reputational concerns ○ Friends-with-benefits ■ Middle of the road- not together but not not together ■ Less work (less commitment) ■ Some people think “anything is better than nothing at all” ● Pluralistic ignorance ○ Belief that our private attitudes/beliefs/judgements are different from social norms ○ Risk behaviors (e.g. sex, drugs, drinking) ● Pluralistic ignorance and hooking up (research) ○ Both genders overestimated how comfortable the opposite gender is with hooking up ● Sexual coercion ○ Men and women are more similar in their communication than different (99% similar, 1% different) ○ Men and women interpret nonverbal communication very differently ■ Men: “so what you’re saying is that there is a chance….?” ● Saying “no” ○ Why does that not always work? ■ Token resistance: belief that when women say no, they lowkey want it ■ Rape myth acceptance: even women say “no”, blame women who were raped ● “He/she deserved it because….” ● Saying “yes” ○ consent= knowledge + free choice ■ knowledge : know wassup ■ Free choice: free from pressure ● revenge ○ What is it? ■ Harmful action, perceived (response to perceived wrongdoing towards you), wrongdoing ○ Why? ■ Cognitive ● Sinister attribution error: more you think the other person is bad, the more you want to get back at them■ Behavioral: opposition for justice ● Ender wiggin - hurt them so bad they won’t hurt me back ■ Personality: high on neuroticism, low on agreeability (“type A people”) ■ Relational: feel like need to stay in relationship, more likely to avenge ● Communicate revenge ○ Initiate new romantic relationship ○ Active distancing (e.g. break up) ○ Resource damage ○ Manipulation attempts ○ Harassment ○ Reputation defamation ○ sabotage/disrupt social connections ○ threaten /attack rivals ○ threaten / attack partner ○ Intimacy withdrawal ○ Self-harm (when don’t feel good about yourself) ○ Financial damage ○ Change appearance ● Outcomes of revenge ○ Positive outcomes: expression, repair, social equilibrium ○ What makes good revenge? ■ Authority: being the person who was wronged ■ Deservedness: other person actually wronged you; if you think they were wrong, it does not count ■ Proportionality Break-ups ○ Stages of breaking up ■ Denial & disillusionment - seem publicly happy, but at the same time not ■ ie. being cynical when a love movie is playing and say ‘let’s see what happen' ■ Erosion & anger - erosion: wearing down ■ Bargaining - try to reach agreements about things; ie. this week we’ll go football game next week we’ll go shopping ■ Detachment - you’re there together but you’re lonely ■ Separation ■ Pre knowledge - people know it happens before it happens ■ Mutual vs single - easier when feeling is mutual ■ Gender - women break up more than men ■ Attempted recovery - person who got dumped tries to recover ■ Mourning ■ Restructuring: environment without ex; reunite with or make new friends ■ Acceptance: nothing left with ex ○ Why people break up (predictors) ■ Talk matters (ratio of pos/neg) - 5:1 ■ The four deadly sins ■ Criticism ■ Contempt - ie. you disgust me; I can’t believe how stupid you are■ Defensiveness - claiming you didn’t do anything wrong ■ Stonewalling - not going to deal with anything ■ Alternate sources of satisfaction - found someone else ■ Decrease in satisfaction and commitment - you get busy; you do what you want, I do what I want ■ Communication ■ Heavy talk: talk about relationship (“I worry about us”) ■ Meta talk: talk about the person’s talk (“you’re always yelling!”) ■ Strong positive and negative reactions to partner ■ Inability to influence ■ Unfair fighting ■ if-then statements ■ Inability to exit arguments prior to escalation ■ Judgements ■ Win-lose attitude - ie. “If we go to the movies you like, I lose” ■ quid pro quo - bargaining ■ attributions ■ Internal - when relationship is bad : it;s the other person’s fault (deals with their personality) ■ when they are late, you say ‘you must not care about our relationships' ■ External - when it’s good : it’s about external stuff like traffic ■ “We will never agree” - agree to disagree ■ “It’s hopeless” unwilling to repair ■ Withdrawal ■ Early/late differences ■ early divorce - negative & volatile ■ Late divorce - suppressed emotions ■ Coping with break-ups ■ Initially ■ Do not avoid emotions ■ Avoid reminders ■ Develop a support group ■ Avoid dysfunctional behaviors ■ middle stages ■ Learn from experience ■ Assume some role ■ Create a “script" ■ Finally ■ Recast as an opportunity ■ Build self esteem and confidence ■ Be careful not to move into another relationship too soon Death and Dying ● Fear of death ○ Suffering: die painfully (e.g. pain meds don’t work, cancer, being tortured) ○ Humiliation ○ Extinction: religion- “do good, go to a better place” => reduces fear of extinction○ Loss of loved ones ○ Change in society ■ Reduced religiosity: religion=security ■ Lower social support: people move away/ elsewhere => less care, checking in, etc. ■ Fewer rituals: rituals=punctuation marks in life (important) ● Rituals give a sense of procedure => know what will happen ■ Less publicness (more privacy) ● Coping with death ○ Subterfuge: don’t talk about death (e.g. say “passed away” instead of “died”) ○ Denial ○ Death defying: do scary things that are p risky ■ E.g. bungee jump with a piece of floss ● Stages in the dying process ○ Denial: “not happening” because not ready to deal with it ○ Anger: upset/angry about what’s happening ○ Bargaining: discover religion/start praying ○ Depression: don’t talk ○ Acceptance ● Survivor stages ○ Immediate (about 2 weeks): right after death; crying/depressed ○ Intermediate (about 2 years): okay, but triggered ○ Recovery: less frequently triggered ● Characteristics ○ Age: the older you get, the better you cope ○ Gender: girls cope better than boys ■ Girls do the emotional work of facing death before the actual death ○ Anticipation ● Aiding and coping ○ Communicate ■ Send condolences: FB not enough, mention something good about the person ● NO: “you’ll be okay”, “they’re off to a better place”, comparisons (of experiences) ● Attending services => sending stuff okay too but better to actually go ○ Avoid significant change: don’t let them make changes immediately ■ E.g. don’t let them throw away stuff ○ Treat them as you always have: the crazier things are, the more the victims want normality ○ Don’t pressure them to feel good: the victims should feel sad, should not focus on fun ○ Be willing to listen ○ Keep survivors in good health ○ Find support groups ○ Know time heals - BUT DON’T SAY IT ○ Focus on their feelings; don’t try to one-up them about pain, sadness ○ Do your work beforehand; tell beforehand you love them