Simple Problems and Conflict Lecture Notes
Simple Problems and Conflict Lecture Notes RELC 318
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Date Created: 02/10/16
Simple Problems Simple= few moving parts, easy to understand, NOT easy to fix Why difficult to fix? o Awareness- create awareness and apply them o Change (Ego Depletion)- you need to use restraint (takes up a lot of energy and effort) easy to be fatigued and make the mistake o Dyadic Process: it takes two….to create and solve problems and one person might not be on board or understand it Four Simple Problems Incompatibility: you are in a relationship with someone where you don’t share the same goals, interests, and different things out of life. Hard to work with this person. o Poor emotional fit, not a level of closeness you want o Symptoms: loneliness, feeling misunderstood/unappreciated , Attraction towards others o How it Happens: you don’t get any benefits because you aren’t managing relationship well. Sexual behavior before knowledge of other. Grow apart over time Insecure attachment Rapid relational development: people always trying to get closer Sliding Commitment: people who don’t talk about the expectations and constantly expect more. o Gray Divorce: people are getting divorced when their children are leaving the house. This is in their 50’s 60’s and 70’s. Loss of Passion: passion leads to people to make major life changes, but it fades. o Passion makes it feel like it will never fade. o Why does it fade? Novelty fades Delusions hard to maintain Its job is done o Problems this causes: Secondary Appraisal: I don’t love you anymore, how did this happen, people start to blame partners, find negative attributions. Plans/Strategy (Divorce, Affairs) o Solution: Seek friendship. When passion is gone, the person is still your friend Self Expansion Activities Negative Spiral o Do so much damage. If you don’t stop them right away, they gain momentum and spread. o Involves You and your partner both push each other buttons in a negative way YOU: primary appraisal, you are angry, secondary appraisal and then react by saying something PARTNER: has an emotional reaction to it and go through primary appraisal, secondary, plan strategy Positive Feedback Loop: both pushing buttons and irritating each other and it gains momentum. o Why it Happens Punctuation Reciprocity: wow you are irritating me and I am going to GET EVEN Not feeling understood Not getting what you want o Problem Increasing Negativity 5 to 1 Ratio for every negative encounter you have with a partner you have to have 5 positives interactions in order to maintain the relationship long term Lead to violence Loss of control o Solution Awareness: I am responding and instigating what is happening next Counter Act: act opposite with what I am feeling Engage in Ego Depletion Double Bind o Sign of power or abuse o What it involves Paradoxical Request: behaves in such a way, no matter how you respond you are wrong. Examples: Go out and have fun don’t worry about me being alone Do you love me?.....You are saying that cause I made you o Problem Power paly People feel helpless People don’t participate, explore, engage, grow o Solution Non accusatory expression of feelings Exit the relationship Occurs a lot in families where exit is not an option Conflict What it involves o Two interdependent parties with opposing goals Why it Happens o Interdependence leads to interference Relational turbulence model (things are easy, then you get close and the goals provides conflicts) Relational dialectics: wants space and autonomy Topics that starts conflicts o Criticism o Illegitimate demands o Rebuffs: get mad for saying no o Cumulative annoyances: things that irritate you, dirty dishes o Discordant goals Benefits of conflict: o Excitation transfer (sexual arousal) o Self expansion Liabilities of conflict o Outcomes (rewards-costs) < CL o Negativity (5 to 1) Phase Model of Conflict Differentiation o Identify difference o Clarify positions o Realize you have different goals and needs. Integration o Secondary appraisal process o Become aware there is a difference o Make BENIGN Attributions: make attributions that make relationship survive Don’t personalize the conflict (say all couples deal with these issues) o Plan/Strategy Acknowledge common ground Explore possible solutions Discuss what is best for all Problem Solving o Find a solution for all OR at least try to treat each other with respect o Leads to trust satisfaction and intimacy Conflict Resolution Strategies Multiple Typologies o Personal Conflict Style Non Assertive Behavior You try to avoid conflict at all costs Your feelings don’t get expressed You erupt over a minor issue Direct Aggression Non verbal displays Acting aggressively, standing tall, raising your voice Trying to intimidate—can turn into violence People usually respond fight or flight Passive Aggressive Behavior When you ask them if there is a problem and you say no But they constantly act counter to what they say. Act as if there is a conflict. Indirect Strategies Hints or suggests there is a problem Problem is that most people aren’t that sensitive so people ignore simple suggestions Assertion Works best Stating what you want without attacking or assigning blame Honest with your feelings and validating other persons point of view Attachment Styles: Secure: Assertion, Win/Win, Voice Anxious: Non Assertive, Passive Aggressive, Loyalty, Low/Win, Win/Lose Dismissing: Exit, Direct Aggression Constructive Conflict Involves: Regulating Emotions (keep negativity to a minimum) Perspective taking Doing what is best for all (Cognitive Interdependence) A lot of time and energy Flexibility Benign attributions Collaboration For Horsemen of the Apocalypse Criticism: assigning blame Contempt: disgust and intense negativity Defensiveness: being under attack Withdrawal: trying to get out of conversations Handling Conflict= Success or Failure