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This 5 page Class Notes was uploaded by Myesha Johnson-Wheeler on Tuesday February 23, 2016. The Class Notes belongs to at Southern Illinois University Carbondale taught by in Spring 2016. Since its upload, it has received 8 views.
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Date Created: 02/23/16
My’esha JohnsonWheeler Jessica Suchon Rm:2563 Section:011 Who I thought I was “A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?” (Albert Einstein). My spot in this world has always been to be the odd ball out of the bunch. The one that would make that first move nobody wants to make because they’re too shy or seem out of the loop of others. But of course I didn’t start off the life of the party. Being the girl in the back of the room that doesn’t want to catch attention. Later learned that being yourself when not excepted is better than being excepted by an act of another personalityou feed off of. Way back when in second grade is as far as I can remember when I started to “fit it.” I would be that girl in movie who is the alpha of the group and always had at least two people that followed her around by her side. When really they stuck with you because you were considered “cool”. All through class we would instantly sit with, work, and choose each other as partners in groups because we were the top of the class so we only messed with each other. Since we had that power, trying to “be friends” with anyone else would bring us off our pedestal. Just like in the movies I was the one to let “the girls” know when to laugh, what to say, what to do because in a way it was like they represented me because I was “above” them. We would verbally and physically abuse the “underdogs” in the sneakiest way because nobody wants to be sent to the office, but of course we were almost like the teacher’s pet so when there was a snitch, they couldn’t look at you as doing what was said by the victim. Day by day we would pick on kids especially our favorite named Mark. He was a big boy who seemed at the bottom of the food chain so it was easy to gang up on somebody who isn’t capable of standing up or doing anything about what is being done. The common jokes would be brought up of “your so fat that you make the ground shake when you walk”. As soon as we stepped in the class our attention was directed towards him, “what can we do today” always ran through my mind. When we got into the routine of making him our subject we gave him the nickname Jelly Fat Donut because Mark didn’t seem to suit us. We’d always push him into the wall during free time in class or trip him in the hall when the class is making a trip through the school. Of course Mark was never to fond of it, he would casually try to stand up for himself with his favorite line “Man, why do you guys always have to pick on me?”. At times he would get a little upset, like more than usual. “Hey why don’t you leave me alone!” he once said aggressively, but all we did was laugh in his face and walk away. The clothes you wore has always been a big deal and affects how people judge you but we had to wear uniforms so we could only talk about how dirty or loose his clothes fit on him. The stains we saw everyday helped us spread that he was a slob ,didn’t take showers, and he never washed his clothes by wearing the same thing everyday. Then that automatically changed the view of everyone so of course he started to lose a couple friends because nobody wants to be known as the kid who hangs out with the fat slob Mark always walked around with his head down so no one would see the look of despair he had on his face. Elementary gets here and I move to a different school, that means I have to start over with everything and everybody. To me this was a new way to create a new personality that everyone liked. The first couple days/weeks I kind of observed and saw how everybody was and what was the group of people I like from afar and began to adjust to what I saw from them. I began to lean towards the group that everybody in the school knew, like people knew their individual names. The funny type, making jokes with each other and everyone else sitting around to laugh along. Also the group of people who got a lot of attention from being “cooler” than everyone else because it makes you feel good about yourself and confident when everybody knows who you are and likes you. Through those years I was just in the group kinda sitting back but still a little noticed doing whatever they did and talked how they did even though I may not of known what it meant or why we were doing it. But that didn’t matter to me as long as I was being accepted by a group of classmates I was “comfortable” with. Not really with my own self but collecting a little from everybody to seem as my own in the way they would like to see to continue to be friends with. That kind of mixed up my childhood up because they were the kids who wanted to get into everything. Of course I went along with it because it was my plan of being accepted. It slowly built up this “bad girl” affect of what I really was which caused me to get in trouble more and more over things I probably would never do, even at home after the school day is done. But who cares if you get in trouble at home, as long as you made friends at school right? Middle school is the years of your life when you start to figure out what and who you really are or want to be in life. Everyone’s body is changing drastically in ways we still don’t fully understand but we can’t help it. So that means for females we started to change in some ways more than others and I was that one who didn’t change as fast or big as others. It also didn’t help that I was already a small figure that so much really wasn’t going to be done compared to the thicker type. That made me change my appearance way more. When girls begin to change this way it caused more girls to become less confident and I became that little girl. So I tried to wear tighter clothes, or in school since we have a uniform I would try to get my mom to buy smaller shirts but she already knew what size I wore and shorter skirt but with the dress codes it made it almost impossible for the look I tried to create from everyone else I saw who had it. So instead i’d leave the top two buttons undone, untuck my shirt, and roll my skirt a couple times to give off a sexier look. Which got me in trouble even more with the staff around the school who took the uniforms serious. The assistant principal's office became a routine in my weekly schedule since I never listened to when I was told the first, second, and third time. Warnings, write ups, and detentions were all in my favor, it became ridiculous. Because we had to wear ties with our shirts button and tucked for a more presentable look , so then I couldn’t keep my skirt rolled when I had to tuck my shirt because then everyone would know what I was trying to do. My personality became more on the shy side and more cautious of what people thought because now it was harder to be like everyone else because we started to physically change from one another. My high school Sophomore year I made the drumline for the Marching Band. I played snare and it became the greatest experience I had so far in my high school career. All around were amazing people but most importantly were the weirdest people you could ever meet. Band kids are truly one of a kind in every way, everyone was different in similar ways. Of course that makes since because they all have different personalities but got along in common ways. Which rubbed off on me because there was no “group” of girls that I could “copy” off of to make myself because everyone was their self. Then made me realize that everyone can get along and make the best of friends without being the exact of someone else because they connected anyway one way from another. So from that in the years to come, I finally built the courage to stop trying to be like everyone else or be the one that’s “most liked” because in the end it didn’t matter. Now whenever you see me, i’ll be the unique girl who switched from trying to be someone else to the person who’s trying to be no one else. That’s what makes me who I am, my true self will now and forever be the weird child, the one who’s outgoing, tries something new every once in awhile, stand out in the crowd to be noticed for who they are. Then in the end it makes it perfect because i’m finally happy with myself and not trying to figure out “well who do I have to be next” or “will they even like me if I act this way”. Later learned that being yourself when not excepted is better than being excepted by a personality you don’t know.
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