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by: Foster Morissette


Foster Morissette
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This 77 page Class Notes was uploaded by Foster Morissette on Saturday September 12, 2015. The Class Notes belongs to CLAS 4200 at University of Georgia taught by Staff in Fall. Since its upload, it has received 75 views. For similar materials see /class/202172/clas-4200-university-of-georgia in Classical culture at University of Georgia.

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Date Created: 09/12/15
Appendix IV Translations of the Fragments A1 Epicharmus fr 18 from Bousiris VIV If you saw him eating first of all you d die His throat emits a roar his jaw rattles his molars resound his canine teeth squeak he snorts loudly and he wiggles his ears A2 Epicharmus fr 48 from The Wedding Of Hebe VIV Poseidon himself has come bringing wonderful corrupt sea breams and parrot wrasses in Phoenician merchant ships The gods aren t permitted to throw even their shit away A3 Epicharmus fr 40 from The Wedding Of Hebe VI V He brings shellfish of every sort limpets aspedoi krabuzoi kikibaloi sea squirts scallops barnacles purple shellfish tightly closed oysters which are difficult to pry open but easily gobbled down mussels anaritai whelks and sword shells which are sweet eating but sharp to be impaled upon and the cylindrical razor shells Also the black conch which corrupt for children of fishermen and others that live on land both conchs and sand dwellers which have a bad reputation and 702 are inexpensive and which all human beings refer to as androphuktides whereas we gods call them white conchs A4 Epicharmus fr 51 from The Wedding Of Hebe VIV and a swordfish and a chromis which according to Ananius is the best fish there is in the spring whereas the anthias is best in winter A5 Epicharmus fr 50 from The Wedding Of Hebe VI V There are lobsters kolubdainai and the one that has little feet but large hands whose name is crayfish A6 Epicharmus fr 97 from Odysseus the Deserter VI V A this wandering statement obscure as if encountering Odysseus I could have done this very easily as opposed to what A But I see why are you whining wretch here are the Achaeans close at hand Odysseus so that I be utterly miserable A But you Q quite a miserable person Odysseus because I wouldn t hurry back like this being beaten is unpleasant I ll go there and I ll sit down and say that these things are easy even for people more clever than me A You seem to us altogether fitly and reasonably to call down curses if one is willing to think about it Odysseus if only I were 703 from the place where they ordered me to prefer bad things to good and to accomplish my dangerous mission and get divine glory after going to the city and getting good clear information to bring back a report about the situation there to the bright Achaeans and the beloved son of Atreus and get away unscathed myself A7 Epicharmus fr 99 from Odysseus the Deserter VI V And when I was keeping my neighbours pig safe for the Eleusinia festival I lost it by some god s will not my own As a result he said that I was engaged in barter with the Achaeans and swore that I was betraying the pig A8 Epicharmus fr 100 from Odysseus the Deserter VIV Peace and Quiet is a lovely lady and lives near Self Control A9 Epicharmus fr 70 from Cyclops VIV Yes by Poseidon it s much more concave than a mortar A10 Epicharmus fr 71 from Cyclops VIV Sausages are a delicious thing by Zeus as is the haunch 704 A11 Epicharmus fr 72 from Cyclops VIV Pour some wine into the cup and bring it to me A12 Epicharmus fr 135 from an unidentified play VIV The very first thing that happened in the battle that took place against Cronus they say was that Pallas perished at the hands of the goddess born from the head of Zeus And in order to be frightening she immediately threw his skin around herself which is why everyone then referred to her as Pallas A13 Epicharmus fr 32 from Hope or Wealth VIV Dining with whoever s willing he only needs to issue an invitation as well as with whoever s unwilling and then there s no need for an invitation When I m there I m on my best behaviour and I generate a lot of laughs and praise the man who s hosting the party And if someone wants to quarrel with him I attack the fellow and get similar grief back Then after I ve eaten and drunk a lot I leave No slave accompanies me carrying a lamp I make my way alone slipping and sliding in the darkness If I meet the night patrol I credit the gods with having done me a favour if all they want to do is whip me When I come home in 705 terrible shape I sleep with no bedding At first I don t notice so long as the unmixed wine envelops my mind A14 Epicharmus fr 147 from an unidentified play VIV A What s this B A tripod obviously A Then why does it have four feet It s not a tripod I d say it s a tetrapod B It s called a tripod but it s got four feet A If it ever had two feet you re thinking of Oedipus riddle A15 Epicharmus fr 146 from an unidentified play VIV A 39l A sacrifice leads to a feast and a feast leads to drinking B Sounds good to me at least A But drinking leads to wandering the streets drunk wandering the streets drunk leads to acting like a pig acting like a pig leads to a lawsuit lta lawsuit leads to being found guiltygt and being found guilty leads to shackles stocks and a fine A16 Epicharmus fr 214 from an unidentified play VIV The mind sees and the mind hears everything else is deaf and blind A17 Epicharmus fr 213 from an unidentified play VIV 706 He was formed and was dissolved and went back again to where he came from earth to earth but the spirit upward What part of this is difficult to understand Nothing A18 Epicharmus fr 244 from Practical Maxims V In here there are many things of all sorts which a person could use with a friend or with an enemy when he s speaking in court or in the Assembly with a low born man a well born man a foreigner someone quarrelsome a drunk or a craftsman And if someone has some other trouble pointed responses are in here for these as well There are also wise sayings in here and if someone were to put his confidence in them he would be a cleverer and generally better man There is no need at all to speak at length what is needed is to apply just one of these lines whichever is useful to the matter For I used to be accused of being pointlessly clever as well as long winded and unable to express my maxims concisely Because these things were said about me I am composing this device so that someone can say Epicharmus was a wise man He said many clever things of all sorts expressing them in a single line providing proof that he himself was concise everyone who learns these things will appear wise will never any word any of these things will cause grief to the man who who does toby them very learned I will also say to those bad things to these For different people enjoy different things not the same things 707 all these things it is necessary so that and then to say them at the right time concise A19 Epicharmus fr 269 from Practical Maxims Marrying is like throwing a triple six or three ones by chance For if you get a woman with orderly manners who s not inclined to make you miserable in other ways you ll have good luck in your marriage But if you get one who likes to leave the house and is a chatterer and extravagant it s not a wife you ll have but a life long well dressed misfortune A20 Sophron fr 4 a from Women Who Sav That Thev Will Drive Out the Goddess V A Set the table down right there Take a lump of salt in your hand and place a laurel garland on your head Go over to the hearth now and sit down You give me the hatchet Bring the puppy from over there And where s the bitumen B Here it is A Hold the torch and the frankincense Alright now all the doors need to be open wide please You look over here and put out the torch at once Keep quiet now while I spar with her Lady you ve been presented with a dinner and faultless guest gifts and corrupt 708 A21 Sophron fr 3 from Women Who Sav That Thev Will Drive Out the Goddess V A three fold sacrifice of healing drugs has been buried beneath it in a cup A22 Eupolis fr 261 from Men From the Deme Prospalta V A The whatchamacallit do you hear B Heracles This joke of yours is vulgar Megarian and extremely forced 39l bright light you see the children 396 B1 Cratinus fr 193 from The Wineflask 423 BC But I want to return to the story Previously when he was paying attention to another woman he behaved badly 39l to another 396 But now that he s old he seems to me 396 never of him previously 396 B2 Cratinus fr 194 from The Wineflask 423 BC Previously I was his wife but now no longer B3 Cratinus fr 195 from The Wineflask 423 BC 709 But now if he spies a barely adolescent little Mendaean wine he follows it and dogs its tracks and says Damn how soft and white it is Is it strong enough for three B4 Cratinus fr 199 from The Wineflask 423 BC How how could someone put a stop to his drinking his excessive drinking I know I ll crush his pitchers and smash his wine buckets and all the other vessels he uses for drinking to bits he won t even own a vinegar dish that holds wine any longer B5 Cratinus fr 197 from The Wineflask 423 BC You are aware perhaps of the preparation B6 Cratinus fr 208 from The Wineflask 423 BC You keep babbling Add him to the list Cleisthenes will be amusing in a dramatic interlude shooting dice 39l at the height of his beauty 1 B7 Cratinus fr 209 from The Wineflask 423 BC Snuff Hyperbolus out and list him in the lamp market 710 B8 Cratinus fr 211 from The Wine ask 423 BC Impoverished citizens understand my words B9 Cratinus fr 210 from The Wine ask 423 EC No matter what they do they can t get shipsheds or reed fencing B10 Cratinus fr 200 from The Wine ask 423 BC But I do indeed recognize the depravity of my folly B11 Cratinus fr 203 from The Wine ask 423 BC If you drink water you couldn t produce anything clever B12 Cratinus fr 198 from The Wine ask 423 BC Lord Apollo what a ow of words The streams are gurgling his mouth has a dozen springs and there s an Ilisus in his throat What more could I say Unless someone plugs his mouth he s going to ood everything here with his poetry B13 Cratinus Dionysalexandros test i judgment Hermes goes away and they make some remarks to the spectators about the poets and after Dionysus appears they make fun of him and jeer him After Hera offers him unshakable royal power Athena offers him courage in war and Aphrodite offers that he be the best looking and most sexually attractive man there is he judges her the winner After this he sails to Sparta and takes Helen away and returns to Ida shortly thereafter he hears that the Achaeans are laying the country waste and looking for Alexandros He hides Helen as quickly as he can in a basket changes his own appearance to make himself look like a ram and waits for what will happen next After Alexandros appears and catches them he orders his men to take them both to the ships to turn them over to the Achaeans But when Helen is reluctant he pities her and detains her to be his wife but he sends Dionysus off to be surrendered The satyrs follow along encouraging him and saying that they will not abandon him Pericles is made fun of quite persuasively in the play via innuendo for having brought the war on the Athenians B14 Cratinus fr 42 from Dionysalexandros 430 BC You want doorposts and painted porticoes B15 Cratinus fr 43 from Dionysalexandros 430 BC 712 No I want to walk through greenish cow manure and sheep shit B16 Cratinus fr 327 perhaps from Dionysalexandros 430 BC She offers you a tongue full of ever owing lovely words to wield in the Assembly you ll win every debate with it B17 Cratinus fr 41 from Dionysalexandros 430 BC The minute you heard her words you began to grind your front teeth B18 Cratinus fr 40 from Dionysalexandros 430 BC A What sort of clothing was he wearing Tell me this B He had a thyrsus a multi coloured himation and a drinking cup B19 Cratinus fr 45 from Dionysalexandros 430 BC The fool goes around saying Baa baa like a sheep B20 Cratinus fr 47 from Dionysalexandros 430 BC 713 For you re not in fact the first hungry person to go to a dinner uninvited B21 Phrynichus Comicus fr 19 from The Recluse 414 BC My name is Recluse I live a life like Timon s with no wife or slave easily angered and unapproachable never laughing or speaking to anyone keeping my own counsel B22 Aristophanes fr 372 from Women From Lemnos late 410s BC or after This is Lemnos which produces fine soft fava beans B23 Aristophanes fr 373 from Women From Lemnos late 410s BC or after The king here was Hypsipyle s father Thoas the slowest of human beings at running B24 Philyllius fr 7 from Heracles VIV So do you want me to tell you who I am I m the so called Meal Day of the Foretasters B25 Aristophanes fr 403 from Islands VIV 714 A What do you mean Where are they B Here they are coming down the very entrance way you re looking toward B26 Aristophanes fr 410 from Islands V IV How stooped toward the ground and gloomy looking she is as she goes along B27 Eupolis fr 245 from Cities late 420s BC A This is Tenos B You ve got a lot of scorpions and informers too B28 Eupolis fr 246 from Cities late 420s BC This is Chios a lovely city for she sends you warships and troops whenever they re needed and in other respects she s nice and obedient like a horse that needs no goad B29 Eupolis fr 247 from Cities late 420s BC A Where s the last one B This is Cyzicus who s full of large coins B Well when I myself was doing guard duty once in this city I screwed a woman 715 for a nickel as well as a boy and an old man You could sweep its cunt clean all day long B30 Eupolis fr 13 from Nanny Goats 420s BC We feed on brush of every sort consuming the soft shoots of fir prickly oak and strawberry tree and also foliage in addition to the shoots and tree medick fragrant sage and leafy yew wild olive lentisk manna ash white poplar holm oak oak ivy heather promalon buckthorn Jerusalem sage asphodel rock rose Valonia oak thyme savory B31 Aristophanes fr 322 probably from Heroes 410s BC Wherefore gentlemen be on guard and show respect to the heroes since we are the stewards of bad things and good and we keep a close watch on evildoers such as thieves and muggers and give them diseases to have an enlarged spleen or a cough or to suffer from dropsy or to have a runny nose mange or gout or to go crazy or to have eruptions on one s skin swollen glands a chill or a fever we give to thieves B32 Crates fr 16 from Wild Beasts V 716 A So no one s going to own a male or female slave and an old man s going to do all his work himself B Certainly not because I ll make everything capable of moving itself A How will this help them B All his household equipment will come of its own accord whenever someone shouts Table Set yourself beside me And get yourself ready with no help Knead my little grain sack Pour some wine ladle Where s the cup Go wash yourself Get up on the table barley cake The cookpot should already have been pouring out the beets Fish Get over here But I m not roasted on the other side yet Then turn yourself over baste yourself and sprinkle on some salt B33 Teleclides fr 1 from Amphictyonies V Well I ll describe the sort of life I furnished mortals with in the old days Peace first of all was as readily available as washing water And the earth didn t produce fear or sicknesses everything they needed was there spontaneously For every torrent gully flowed with wine and barley cakes fought with loaves of bread around people s mouths begging them to gulp down the whitest ones if they would be so kind The fish would come home roast themselves and serve themselves on the tables A river of broth flowed next to their couches rolling along warm chunks of meat There were streams of little sauces for anyone who wanted some of this food so there was no reason to begrudge a man soaking his mouthful until it was soft and gulping it down There were corrupt sprinkled with seasonings in little dishes Roast thrushes accompanied by milk cakes flew 717 into their mouths and there was an uproar as the unbaked cakes jostled one another around their jaws The children used to play knucklebones with slices of sow s womb and meat trimmings People were fat back then and as big as the Giants B34 Pherecrates fr 137 from Persians V What need will we have any longer for your plows yokemakers sicklemakers or smiths or for sowing or staking Rivers of black broth gushing abundantly with rich sprinkle bread and cakes of the finest barley will ow spontaneously through the crossroads from Wealth s springs so we can draw from them Zeus will rain QM wine dumping it over the roof tiles like a bathman Streams of grape clusters will pour down from the roofs accompanied by cakes stuffed full of cheese as well as by hot pea soup and lily porridge cakes The trees in the mountains will shed not leaves but roasted kid meat sausages soft baby squid and stewed thrushes B35 Aristophanes fr 581 from Seasons 410s BC A In mid winter you ll see cucumbers grape clusters summer fruit generally garlands of Violets B Also a blinding dust storm I expect A The same man will sell thrushes pears honey comb olives beestings after birth pudding swallow fi gs cicadas still born kids and you d see harvest baskets pouring out a 718 mix of figs and myrtle berries as thick as snow B So they ll sow gourds along with their turnips with the result that no one knows any longer what time of year it is A Isn t this the greatest possible good if a person can buy whatever he wants throughout the year B To the contrary this is the greatest possible evil Because if this weren t the case they wouldn t desire things or spend money 1 would lend them this for a little while and then take it away A I too do this for the other cities with the exception of Athens but th have these advantages because they respect the gods B A lot of good they ve got from showing you respect according to you A What do you mean B You ve turned their city into Egypt instead of Athens B36 Plato Comicus fr 96 from Wool Carders or Cercopes VIV Greetings assembly of ancient born spectators clever in every way B37 Cratinus fr 360 from an unidentified play V Greetings crowd that laughs loudly for no reason very best judge of our cleverness on the days that follow festivals Your mother the noise produced by the bleachers bore you as a lucky child B38 Plato Comicus fr 99 from The Little Child V IV 719 Were I not under terrible pressure gentlemen to turn in this direction I wouldn t have proceeded to a speech like this B39 Metagenes fr 15 from The Man Who Loved Sacrifices late 400s BC I vary my plot interlude by interlude in order to feast the audience with many novel appetizers B40 Lysippus fr 4 from Bacchants V not raising the nap on or sulphuring other people s ideas B41 Cratinus fr 342 from an unidentified play perhaps The Wineflask 423 BC Who are you some subtle spectator might ask a bit of a quibbler a pursuer of little sayings a Euripidaristophanizer B42 Eupolis fr 89 from Dyers 410s BC 391 and that man 391 I collaborated with the bald guy on Knights and presented it to him as a gift B43 Pherecrates fr 102 from Smal Change V 720 But I say to the judges who are currently judging not to violate your oath or judge unfairly otherwise by the god of friendship Pherecrates will make another speech about you that s far more slanderous than this one B44 Eupolis fr 392 from an unidentified play V But listen spectators and understand my words for right at the beginning I m going to defend myself to you a line or more is missing what got into your heads that you claim that foreigners are clever poets Whereas if someone from right here who s no less brilliant applies himself to poetry he seems to be utterly crazy and he s insane and drifting away from his senses according to you But take my advice totally change your ways and don t be resentful when one of us young men enjoys the art of music B45 Eupolis fr 172 from Flatterers 421 BC We ll tell you about the way of life flatterers enjoy so listen to how we re elegant men in every respect First of all we have a slave attendant generally belonging to someone else and a little corrupt of him And I have these two lovely outer robes and I change one of them for the other and regularly go off to the marketplace When I spy someone there who s a fool but rich I m all over him immediately No matter what the rich guy says I heap praise on it and pretend I m stunned with pleasure at his words Then we go off in various directions to dinner pursuing someone else s barley cake The flatterer must immediately say many clever things there or he s kicked out I know this happened to the tattooed Acestor he made an insolent joke and the slave took him outside wearing a criminal s collar and turned him over to Oineus B46 Cratinus fr 255 from Cheirons late 440s before 429 BC We barely completed these things over two years C1 Adespota comica fr 1062 from an unidentified play Why then should I care about m affairs one of you might say And quote the Sophoclean line I have suffered terrible things Old Cronus gulps down and gobbles up all my children and he doesn t turn even one of them over to me Instead m gives me the finger takes whateverI give birth to off to Megara and sells and eats it because he s afraid of the oracle in the same way a dog For Apollo once loaned Cronus a drachma and didn t get it back He was angry about this and no longer loaned him anything valuable or any household items by Zeus or any money Instead he prophesied that Cronus would be expelled from his kingship by a child So since he s afraid of thishe swallows down all his children 722 C2 Heniochus fr 5 from an unidentified play IV I ll tell you their names one by one in a moment but they re all cities of various sorts which have been acting foolishly for a long time now Perhaps one of you might interrupt to ask what the setting here is now He ll learn this from me This entire area round about is Olympia and as for the stage building over there imagine that you re seeing an embassy tent Alright What are the cities doing here then They came to make manumission sacrifices at a time when they were just about free of their tribute payments And then after that sacrifice was made Ms Irresolution ruined them by making them her guests day after day holding them spellbound for a long time now Two women are always with them and keep them upset Democracy is the name of one of them and the other one s name is Aristocracy As a result of their influence the cities have repeatedly got drunk and behaved badly C3 Eubulus fr 89 from Procris IV A Spread a soft bed for the dog Put one of our Milesian wool blankets under him and a saffron dyed robe over him B Apollo A Then moisten his wheat pudding with goose milk B Heracles A And anoint his feet with the Megalleian perfume C4 Anaxilas fr 12 from Circe IV 723 She ll turn some of you into mountain ranging mud trodding pigs some into wildcats others into savage wolves or lions C5 Anaxilas fr 13 from Circe IV For it s a terrible thing my friend to have a pig s snout and need to scratch C6 Antiphanes fr 131 from Cyclops IV I ll furnish us with the following mainland items a cow from my herd a mud trodding he goat a heavenly she goat a castrated ram a castrated boar an uncastrated pig a hog a hare kids fresh cheese dry cheese chopped cheese grated cheese sliced cheese cottage cheese C7 Epicrates fr 5 from Difficult To Sell IV For what s more unpleasant than being summoned Slave slave to where they re drinking and to serve some beardless little boy at that And to bring the pisspot and see half eaten milk cakes and bird meat lying there none of which a slave s allowed to eat even if it s left over according to the women But what makes me crazy is that if one of us eats any of this food they call him an impudent glutton 724 C8 Antiphanes fr 75 from Ganymede IV A Alas You re asking much too complicated questions Laomedon Alright I ll say it clearly If you know anything about the kidnapping of my child you need to speak quickly before you re hung up A Are you posing this to me as a riddle to solve master when you ask if I know anything about the kidnapping of your child Or if not what s the point of what you said Laomedon Someone hurry up and bring me out a strap A Alright maybe I didn t figure it out So are you punishing me for this Don t You should have been passing a cup of saltwater around Laomedon Do you know then how you have to drink it A Me I certainly do Laomedon How A I have to get a surety from you Laomedon No you have to put your hands behind your back and drain it without taking a breath C9 Dionysius Comicus fr 3 from Men Who Shared a Name IV Come on now Dromo If you have any subtlety cleverness or elegance in you show it to your teacher I m asking for a demonstration of your technique I m leading you into enemy territory boldly lay it waste Suppose they count the chunks of meat as they hand them over and keep an eye on you make them tender and stew them intensely and confuse the count in the way I m describing for you Suppose there s a big fish its guts belong to you And if you filch a slice 725 of the meat that s yours too as long as we re inside the house Once we re outside it s mine As for the offal and the other parts that go along with them which by their nature can t be counted or checked and have the rank and station of trimmings tomorrow they can make us both happy By all means give the dealer in plunder a share so you can get through the door with less worry Why do I need to make a long speech to someone who knows what I m thinking You re my pupil and I m your teacher Remember my advice and come along here with me C10 Antiphanes fr 180 from The Parasite IV A After this will come another one large noble as big as the table B What are you talking about A A spawn of Carystus born of earth bubbling B Say what you mean Spit it out A I m referring to a casserole dish kakkabos you might perhaps call it a Low B Do you think I care about the name about whether people like to call it a kakkabos or a sittubos All I know is you re talking about a pot C11 Aristophon fr 5 from The Doctor IV I want to tell him the sort of person I am If someone s giving a feast I m the first one there and as a result my nickname s been Meat Broth for a long time now If one of the drunks has to be grabbed about the waist and hoisted off the ground 726 you can figure I look like an Argive wrestler If we need to attack a house I m a ram If we need to go up a ways on a ladder I m Capaneus As for standing up to blows I m an anvil for forming fists I m Telamon for making passes at handsome boys I m smoke C12 Crobylus fr 8 from an unidentified play IV A For dealing with these really hot items I ve got fingers that resemble Mount Ida of course and I take great pleasure in giving my esophagus a steam bath with little slices of fish B You re a kiln not a human being C13 Antiphanes fr 200 from The Soldier or Tycho IV A Tell me you say you spent a lot of time on Cyprus B Yes the whole war A Where precisely Tell me B In Paphos where you could see something extraordinarily luxurious as well as incredible A What B When the king was having dinner he was fanned by pigeons and pigeons only A How I m going to ignore everything else and ask you this B How He anointed himself with perfume that was imported from Syria and scented with the type of fruit they say that pigeons often eat The pigeons were there flying around because of its smell they could have roosted on his head except that slaves sitting beside him kept shooing them off But they stayed just a bit away 727 from him not too far in either direction and they fanned up the air enough to make the cloud of scent just the same size as he was and not too strong C14 Philemon fr 95 from an unidentified play IVIII The one whose attention no one has ever escaped when he s doing something bad or good that s who I am the Air whom you might also call Zeus I m everywhere which is something only a god is capable of in Athens in Patras in Sicily in every city and every house in all of you There s nowhere that Air isn t present and since he s present everywhere he has no choice but to know everything C15 Adespota comica fr 1084 from an unidentified play A Has anyone in the city suffered more terribly than me No by Demeter and Sky I ve been married for four months my father convinced me to do it Since my wedding night Lady Night I call on you as an honest witness to the story I m telling I ve never slept apart from my wife for a single night never been after the wedding feast I felt a just love And ForI was enchanted by her straightforward manner and her honest way of life and I grew fond of her and she cared for me as well Why are you bringing me all these things and showing them to me one by one given that my heart aches when I see them Put where even now B So that there can be before at least a dozen 728 lines are missing A of my wife B Of your mother she gave it to your wife And sealed her ring A Open it up so that we can see if anything useful s preserved in it B Ah A What is it B Half of an old torn robe nearly eaten up by moths A Nothing else B Also necklaces and a single ankle bracelet A Give them to me and shine the lamp on them as you do Didn t you see inscribed Hey Open the top B Letters you poor thing I saw letters A What s the point A child s tokens are inside it and my mother was safeguarding them Put them back where they were I ll seal them up There s no advantage at the moment by Zeus in prying into obscure matters It s not our business let s consider the trouble we have sufficient IfI ever get myself together I ll open it up again nothing C16 Menander fr 296 from The Necklace IVIII Laches The lovely heiress is probably going to sleep happily now She s accomplished a great and notorious deed she drove the girl who was bothering her out of the house just like she wanted so that everyone could stare at Crobyle s face and she could be widely recognized as my wife and queen As for how she looks she s a donkey among monkeys as the saying goes I d rather not mention the night that led to so many troubles Alas that I married Crobyle even if she brought a dowry of ten talents with her nose as long as your forearm So how can her insolence be endured It can t by Olympian Zeus and Athena 729 there s no way A little slave girl who did her work and had it done before the order was complete Let her be expelled corrupt C17 Menander fr 297 from The Necklace IV III Laches I m married to an heiress ogre Haven t I told you about this B No Laches We have a mistress over our house our fields and 39l everything in place of her 1 B Apollo How difficult that is Laches As difficult as it can be She makes trouble for everyone not just me for my son in particular and my daughter B You re describing an impossible situation Laches I m well aware of that C18 Adespota comica fr 1063 1 34 from an unidentified play A having put my confidence Megas Run along don t worry about anything is inside So get yourself going get yourself going now and be serious about it Be a man now Megas Don t leave Moschion in the lurch I want to by the gods I want to But I unexpectedly fell into a wave of troubles and I m in distress I ve been worried for a long time now that Fortune s verdict may go against me You re a coward by Athena you re a coward I see what s going on You re trying to avoid trouble and you re blaming Fortune People at sea do you see my point are often confronted with difficulties of every sort a storm wind water a huge wave lightning hail thunder seasickness 730 thunderheads darkness But all the same each of them stays hopeful and doesn t despair of the future One fellow lays hold of the brails looks another prays to the Samothracian deities asking them to help the pilot pulls in the sheets three lines that contain only scattered letters follow to all nobly eagerness For I see my master here with him I ll quickly go inside and wait for the right moment to reveal myself to them B I ve been treated more outrageously Laches than anyone else ever has been and you ve done this by sending me here Laches Don t talk this way B By Heracles how else would I feel I said repeatedly to you there What are you sending me for Laches Yes indeed B bringing your son news about his marriage and intending to offer him your daughter But if he doesn t listen to me how am I going to force him to marry her if you re not there hearing word of the matters his mother was persuaded to say to me D1 Hermippus fr 63 from Porters late 430searly 420s BC Tell me now Muses whose home is on Olympus about all the good things Dionysus brings here for men with his black ship during the time he is a captain on the wine dark sea From Cyrene there is silphium stalk and cowhides from the Hellespont mackerel and every kind of salt fish from Thessaly barley meal and sides of beef And from Sitalces there is mange for the Spartans and from Perdiccas a huge number of ships full of lies Syracuse supplying us with hogs and cheese a line or more is missing And as for the Corcyreans may Poseidon destroy them in their hollow ships for their heart is divided That s where all these items are from From Egypt comes hanging gear that is sails and papyrus ropes and from Syria comes frankincense Beautiful Crete furnishes cypress wood for the gods while Libya has vast amounts of ivory for sale and Rhodes offers raisins and dried figs that bring sweet dreams He brings pears and goodly apples from Euboea slaves from Phrygia and mercenaries from Arcadia Pagasae supplies us with servants and men with tattoos and hazelnuts and shining almonds are provided by the Paphlagonians for these are the accessories of a feast Sidon again offers dates and wheat Carthage blankets and embroidered pillows D2 Aristophanes fr 233 from Bangueters 427 BC A Tell me about these Homeric terms What do they refer to as korumba What do they refer to as strengthless heads B No let your son and my brother tell us What do they refer to as iduoi What does opuein mean D3 Strato Comicus fr 1 from Phoenicides IV I ve taken a male Sphinx into my house not a cook For by the gods I don t understand a single thing he says He s here with a full supply of strange words The minute he entered the house he immediately looked me in the eye and asked in a loud voice How many meropes people have you invited to dinner Tell 732 me I ve invited the Meropes to dinner You re crazy do you think I know these Meropes Isn t a single daitumon guest going to be present Philinus is going to come and Moschion and Niceratus and so and so and so and so I went through them name by name I didn t have a single Daitumon among them He got irritated as if he was being treated badly because I hadn t invited Daitumon Very strange Aren t you sacrificing an earthbreaker No I m not I said A bull with a wide forehead I m not sacrificing a bull you miserable creature Are you making a sacrifice of m la sheep but also apples No by Zeus I m not M la are sheep Apples are sheep I don t know anything about any of this cook I said and I don t want to I m quite unsophisticated so talk to me very simply Bring the oulochutes here What s that Barley Why then you idiot do you talk in riddles Is any p g available L gg Suck me Will you say what you want to say to me more clearly You re an ignoramus old man he says Bring me salt that s what p g is Let me see it A basin was there He made the sacrifice and said countless things of the sort no one by Earth could have understood mistulla moires diptucha obeloi The result was that you would have had to get Philetas books to understand what all his words meant But now I took a different tack and began to beg him to talk a bit like a human being Persuasion herself would never have convinced him if she were standing right there next to him I suspect the bastard s been the slave of some sort of rhapsode ever since he was a boy and has got stuffed full of Homeric vocabulary 73 3 D4 Eubulus fr 118 from an unidentified play IV Does Homer anywhere describe any of his Achaeans as eating fish And as for pieces of meat all they did was roast them since he hasn t represented any of them as doing any stewing not even a little And none of them laid eyes on a prostitute and they jerked off for ten years The expedition turned out badly for them after seizing a single city they left having been fucked a lot harder up the arse than the city they captured then D5 Timocles fr 6 from Women Celebrating the Dionysia IV My good sir listen and see if what I say makes sense to you Man is a creature doomed to trouble by his very nature and life brings many griefs with it He therefore invented these distractions from anxious thoughts because after the mind forgets its own affairs and is entranced by someone else s suffering it goes away happy as well as educated First consider if you please how the tragedians benefit everyone After one fellow who s a pauper realizes that Telephus was poorer than he is he immediately puts up with his poverty more easily The man who suffers from madness thinks of Alcmaeon Someone has an eye infection Phineus sons are M Someone s child has died Niobe s lifted his spirits Someone s crippled he sees Philoctetes An old man s down on his luck he learns about Oineus For when a person considers all the misfortunes greater than 73 4 his own that have happened to other people he complains less about his own troubles D6 Antiphanes fr 189 from Poetry IV Tragedy s an altogether enviable type of poetry The plots first of all are familiar to the audience before anyone even speaks a word so all the poet has to do is offer a reminder 396 says 39l Oedipus they know everything else his father s Laius his mother s J ocasta who his daughters and sons are what s going to happen to him what he s done If someone says Alcmaeon on the other hand he s as good as mentioned all his children plus the fact that he went crazy and killed his mother and that Adrastus is going to get annoyed immediately and come home and go off again Then when they ve run out of anything to say and have totally collapsed from exhaustion in their dramas they raise the theatrical crane like a white flag and the audience is satisfied But we don t have these advantages and we have to invent everything new names and then what happened previously the current situation the conclusion and the introduction If some Chremes or Pheidon leaves out even one of these items he s hissed off the stage But Peleus and Teucrus can do anything D7 Timocles fr 27 from Orestautocleides IV 735 Old women are sleeping around the miserable fellow Nannion Plangon Lyca Gnathaena Phryne Pythionice Myrrhine Chrysis Conalis Hierocleia Lopadion D8 Cratinus fr 17 from Cowherds V who didn t give Sophocles a chorus when he requested one but gave one to the son of Cleomachus whom l wouldn t have thought deserved to serve as my trainer even for the Adonia D9 Phrynichus Comicus fr 32 from Muses 405 BC Blessed Sophocles who lived a long life and died a fortunate and clever man he wrote many fine tragedies and died easily after suffering no misery D10 Antiphanes fr 228 from an unidentified play IV Tell me what s the point of life I say it s drinking Look at the trees along torrent streams that stay moist all day and all night how large and beautiful they grow But those that resist are destroyed root and branch D11 Eubulus fr 26 from Dionysius IV 736 Euripides is responsible for I saved you as so many know and Maiden if I save you will you show me gratitude And they collect my sigmas and mock my troubles as if they were themselves great poets D12 Diphilus fr 74 from Synoris IVIII A You ve come out very well as far as this throw goes B You re funny Ante up a drachma A It s been lying there for a long time B If only I could throw a Euripides A Euripides would never save a woman don t you see how hostile he is to them in his tragedies But he liked parasites As he says For if any rich man fails to support at least three people who don t contribute to the dinner expenses might he perish and never return to his fatherland B Where are these verses from by the gods A What do you care It s not the play we re considering it s the attitude D13 Eupolis fr 148 from Helots early 420s BC Singing the works of Stesichorus Alcman and Simonides is old fashioned but Gnesippus can be heard He invented nighttime songs for adulterers holding harps to use to summon women out to them D14 Pherecrates fr 155 from Cheiron V 73 7 Music No I m quite willing to discuss it for your heart gets pleasure from listening and mine from speaking Melanippides was the beginning of my troubles He was the first of them to get hold of me and he loosened me up and made me a dozen strings more supple But all the same he was actually decent to me in comparison to my current troubles The damned Athenian Cinesias destroyed me so completely by putting dissonant modulations into his strophes that the right hand parts of his dithyrambic poetry seem left handed as if you were seeing a reflection in a shield But all the same I could actually put up with him Whereas Phrynis introduced a kind of private whirlwind and completely destroyed me by bending and twisting me he had twelve tunings in five strings But the fact is that he too was decent to me for even if he made a mistake he made it good again But Timotheus my dear has buried me and ground me down to nothing in a completely shameful way Justice What s Timotheus like Music He s a Milesian redhead He s given me trouble he s outdone all the others I m discussing by dragging me through perverse anthills And if he meets me somewhere when I m walking alone he strips me and undoes me with a dozen strings a line or more is missing discordant and unholy treble notes and musical sounds and he fills me to the brim with caterpillars just like what happens to cabbages E1 Nicostratus Comicus fr 30 from an unidentified play IV 738 Don t you realize that the right of free speech is poverty s armour If a man loses it he s abandoned the shield that guards his life E2 Amphis fr 17 from Day Labourers IV Then isn t isolation as good as gold The fundamental source of a good life for human beings is a piece of land it s the only thing capable of concealing poverty Whereas the city is a theatre full of patent bad luck E3 Antiphanes fr 202 from The Soldier or Tycho IV Any human being who thinks that anything he owns is his for life is very much mistaken For either a special levy snatches away everything he s accumulated or he gets involved in a lawsuit and is ruined or he serves as a general and is fined or he s selected as a chor gos and provides golden clothing for his chorus but is reduced to rags himself or he hangs himself while serving as a trierarch or he s captured as he s sailing somewhere or his slaves cut him to pieces when he s walking along the street or fast asleep Nothing is certain except what a man spends on enjoying himself on a day by day basis Even that s not completely secure because someone could come up and steal the table while it s sitting in front of him So when you ve got a mouthful past your teeth and swallowed down you can consider that the one possession you ve got firm control of 739 E4 Eupolis fr 384 from an unidentified play V Indeed although many possibilities present themselves I don t know what to say that s how extraordinarily upset I am when I consider the state in your time For we old men didn t run it like this in the past In our day the city s generals first of all were drawn from the most important families and were preeminently wealthy and from the best backgrounds we prayed to them like gods in fact they were gods As a result our state was secure But now our forces are led any which way since we select scum as generals E5 Eupolis fr 219 from Marikas Lenaia 421 BC We now have as generals men you previously wouldn t have chosen to be wine inspectors Oh city city You re more lucky than sensible E6 Eupolis fr 262 from Men From the Deme Prospalta probably 429 BC His mother was some Thracian ribbon vendor E7 Antiphanes fr 194 from Sappho mid 360s Sappho It is feminine and keeps its children safe beneath the folds of its garment And although they are mute they raise a resounding cry through the sea 740 surge and the whole mainland to whichever mortals they wish and even those who are not there can hear them although their perception is deaf a line or more is missing B Yes because the thing you re referring to is a city and the children it nourishes inside itself are the politicians They shout and bring the overseas revenues here from Asia and Thrace And while they re splitting the money up among themselves and constantly abusing one another the people sit nearby hearing and seeing nothing Sappho For how old sir could a politician have no voice B If he s convicted three times of of making an illegal proposal And yet I thought I d figured out what you said precisely But tell me the answer Sappho The feminine thing is a writing tablet and the children she carries around inside herself are the letters Although they re mute they speak to anyone they want who s far away And if someone else happens to be standing nearby he won t hear the man who s reading E8 Diphilus fr 101 from an unidentified play IVIII A courtesan s oath is just like a politician s they each swear to suit the person they re talking to E9 Plato Comicus fr 202 from an unidentified play VIV For if one son of a bitch dies two politicians grow back Because we don t have an Iolaus in our city who ll cauterize their heads You ve let someone bugger you that s why you ll be a politician E10 Eupolis fr 102 from Demes 412 BC A This fellow was the best man there was at speaking Whenever he came forward he caught the other politicians from ten feet back when he spoke just like good runners do B You re describing someone fast A And on top of his speed a sort of persuasiveness used to sit on his lips That s how enthralling he was he was the only politician who left his stinger in his audience E11 Teleclides fr 45 from an unidentified play late 440searly 430s and the cities tribute payments and the cities themselves so that he could bind some and destroy others and walls of stone so that he could build them here and on the other hand knock them down instead over there treaties power might peace and wealth and good fortune E12 Cratinus fr 258 from Cheirons late 440s 429 BC And Political Division and first born Time had sex and gave birth to the greatest tyrant whom the gods refer to as Head gatherer 742 E13 Cratinus fr 259 probably from Cheirons late 440s 429 BC And as his Hera Buggery bears Aspasia the shameless concubine E14 Hermippus fr 47 probably from Fates 430 BC King of the satyrs why in the world are you unwilling to weigh a spear in your hand but instead offer bold speeches about the war although Teles spirit is in you And if a little hand knife used for chopping is rubbed on a hard whetstone you gnash your teeth upset by shining Cleon E15 Adespota comica fr 957 from an unidentified play Phormio promised to set up three silver tripods and then he dedicated one made of lead E16 Adespota comica fr 461 from an unidentified play 424 422 BC Cleon s a Prometheus after the fact E17 Eupolis fr 331 from an unidentified play 424 422 BC 743 For you were the first Cleon to address us with the word Rejoicel despite causing the city much grief E18 Eupolis fr 316 from The Golden Race 429 422 BC 0 fairest of all the cities Cleon watches over how fortunate you were before and now you ll be even more so a line or more is missing First of all everyone ought to have had an equal right of free speech a line or more is missing For how would anyone not be happy to associate with a city like this one where someone so thin and ugly can E19 Plato Comicus fr 115 from In Terrible Pain 429 422 BC I who first of all waged war on Cleon E20 Aristophanes fr 102 from Farmers late 420s BC A I want to be a farmer B So who s stopping you A You are since I m offering you 1000 drachmas if you release me from my offices B We accept them because that makes 2000 when added to what we got from Nicias E21 Phrynichus Comicus fr 62 from an unidentified play late 420s 413 BC 744 For I m well aware that he was a good citizen and he didn t walk around looking frightened like Nicias does E22 Teleclides fr 44 from an unidentified play probably mid 410s BC before 413 Didn t Charicles offer you a mina to keep you from telling that he was the first child born to his mother from her purse And Nicias son of Niceratus offered four minas but as for why he offered them I m not going to say although I know quite well For the fellow s a friend and I think he has some sense E23 Eupolis fr 193 from Marikas Lenaia 421 BC Marikas How recently have you been with Nicias B I haven t seen him except just now when he was standing in the marketplace Marikas The fellow admits that he s seen Nicias And yet what could he have up to when he saw him unless he was engaged in treachery Chorus of Poor Men Did you hear age mates that Nicias has been caught red handed Chorus of Rich Men Would you convict an outstanding man on the testimony of some burn you lunatics E24 Plato Comicus fr 183 from Hyperbolus late 420searly 410s BC before 417 745 For he didn t speak Attic dear Fates but whenever he needed to say di itom n he d say deitom n and whenever he needed to say oligon he d say olion E25 Plato Comicus fr 203 from an unidentified play after 417 BC But what s happened to him is what his behaviour deserves although it s too good for him and his tattoos Ostraca weren t invented for people like this E26 Pherecrates fr 164 from an unidentified play V For although Alcibiades isn t a man so it seems he s now every woman s man E27 Adespota comica fr 123 from an unidentified play 415 412 BC The dainty Alcibiades 0 Earth and gods with whom Sparta wants to have an affair E28 Phrynichus Comicus fr 61 from an unidentified play after 415 BC A My dear Hermes be careful so you don t fall and knock a piece off yourself and give an opportunity for slander to another Diocleides who wants to cause some trouble Hermes I ll be careful I don t want to offer a reward for information to the murderous foreigner Teucrus 746 E29 Plato Comicus fr 201 from an unidentified play early 380s The People Grab my hand grab it as fast as you can I m about to elect Agyrrhius general a line or more is missing Mantias is standing beside my speakers stand a line or more is missing It s nourishing the foul smelling Cephalus who s a despicable disease E30 Eubulus fr 106 1 9 from Sphinx Carion IV A It is something that lacks a tongue but speaks the female shares a name with the male it safeguards many winds is hairy but at other times hairless says things that make no sense to the sensible and extracts one law from another It is one and many and if someone wounds it it is unwounded What is it Why are you puzzled B It s Callistratus A No it s an arsehole You re always talking nonsense An arsehole s both tongueless and capable of speech there s one name for the many of them when wounded it s unwounded it s hairy and hairless What more do you want It s a guardian of many winds E31 Timocles fr 4 from Delos 9324 BC A Demosthenes has 50 talents B He s a lucky fellow if he s not offering anyone else a share A Moerocles has also got a lot of gold pieces B The 747 fellow doing the giving is a fool but the one doing the getting is lucky A Demon s also got something and Callistratus too B They were poor so I forgive them A Hypereides who s clever at composing speeches also got something B He ll make our fishmongers rich for he s a glutton enough of one to make the seagulls look like Syrians E32 Philippides fr 25 from an unidentified play 9300 BC The man who trimmed the year down to a single month who took over the Acropolis as an inn and introduced his courtesans to the Virgin whose fault it was that the frost burned the grapevines because of whose impiety the sacred robe was ripped down the middle who converted divine honours into human ones these things ruin a people not comedy F1 Eupolis fr 386 from an unidentified play V And I also hate Socrates the impoverished chatterer who s thought about everything else but as for where he could get something to gobble down he s paid no attention to this F2 Eupolis fr 395 from an unidentified play V 748 After Socrates got the cup that was passed from left to right as he was singing a passage of Stesichorus to the accompaniment of the lyre he stole the wine jug F3 Callias Comicus fr 15 from Men In Shackles V A Why are you so haughty and so proud B Because I can be For Socrates is responsible F4 Amipsias fr 9 perhaps from Connus City Dionysia 423 BC Socrates best of a few men and most foolish of many have you too come to us You re quite tough Where would you get yourself a heavy wool cloak from a line or more is missing This problem originated as an insult to the shoemakers a line or more is missing Even though he s hungry this fellow never ventured to be a flatterer F5 Teleclides fr 41 from an unidentified play V Mnesilochus is the one who s roasting a new play for Euripides and Socrates is feeding wood to the fire F6 Epicrates fr 10 from an unidentified play IV 749 A What about Plato and Speusippus and Menedemus What s occupying their time nowadays What deep thoughts what sort of speculation is under investigation at their establishment Give me an insightful account of these matters if you ve come with any knowledge of them by Earth B I know enough to give you a clear report about this For during the Panathenaic festival I saw a herd of young men in the exercise grounds of the Academy and I listened to unspeakably strange discussions They were producing definitions having to do with natural history and trying to distinguish between animals trees and vegetables and in the course of these discussions they attempted to determine which category the gourd belongs to A What definition did they settle on And what category did they put the plant into Reveal this if you have any information B At first they all stood silent and gazed at the ground for a long time thinking the matter through Then suddenly while the other boys were still staring at the ground and considering the question one of them said that it was a round vegetable another a type of grass and a third a tree And a Sicilian doctor when he heard this farted on them for talking nonsense A I imagine they got terribly angry and shouted that they were being mocked Because during conversations of this sort 396 it s appropriate to do something like that B The young men paid no attention But Plato was there and very gently and with no sign of excitement he ordered them once again to try to determine what category it belonged to And they began drawing distinctions F7 Amphis fr 6 from Amphicrates IV 750 A As for what benefit it is you re going to get from her I know less about this master than I do about Plato s Good B Pay attention F8 Theopompus Comicus fr 16 from The Hedonist VIV For one thing isn t one and two are scarcely one according to Plato F9 Amphis fr 13 from Dexidemides IV Plato how true it is that all you know is how to scowl haughtily raising your eyebrows like a snail F10 Alexis fr 223 from Men From Tarentum IV A Because the Pythagoreans according to what we hear don t eat fish or anything else that s alive and they re the only people who don t drink wine B But Epicharides eats dogs even though he s a Pythagorean A After he kills them I imagine because then it s not alive anymore a line or more is missing A Pythagorean terms over subtle arguments and finely chiselled thoughts provide their nourishment but what they have on a daily basis is the following one loaf of high quality bread for both of them and a cup of water That s it B You re talking about a prison diet Do all these wise men live like this and endure such misery A No these people have a luxurious existence compared with others Don t you realize that Melanippides is a disciple and Phaon Phyromachus and Phanus And that once every four days they get a single cup of barley groats for dinner F11 Aristophon fr 10 from The thagorean IV As for going hungry and eating nothing consider yourself to be looking at Tithymallus or Philippides When it comes to drinking water I m a frog when it comes to enjoying bulbs and vegetables a caterpillar as regards not bathing dirt as for spending the winter in the open air a blackbird for putting up with stifling heat and talking at midday a cicada for not using olive oil or even giving it a glance a dustcloud for walking around without shoes just before dawn a crane for not even sleeping a little a bat F12 Aristophon fr 12 from The thagorean IV A He said he went down to the abode of those below and saw each of them and the Pythagoreans were very different from the other dead Because Pluto only eats with them he said on account of their piety B You re talking about a tolerant god if he enjoys spending time with people who are covered with dirt a line or more is missing A They eat both and vegetables and they drink 752 water to go with them B But none of the younger men would put up with their eas and cheap robes or their refusal to wash F13 Eubulus fr 137 from an unidentified play IV You of the unwashed feet who make your beds on the ground and whose roof is the open sky unholy gullets who dine on other people s goods 0 snatchers of casserole dishes full of white belly steaks F14 Menander fr 114 from Twin Girls IVIII For you ll walk around with me wearing a cheap robe as the wife of Crates the Cynic once did a line or more is missing And he disposed of his daughter as he himself said by giving her away on 30 days approval F15 Menander fr 193 from The Horse Groom IVIII A There was a certain Monimus Philo who was a wise person but a bit less well known Philo The one with the beggar s pouch A No with three pouches But that fellow said something quite different by Zeus from Know yourself and those other famous phrases and superior to them filthy beggar though he was Because he said that everything generally taken to be true is IIOIISCIISC 753 F16 Theognetus fr 1 from The Phantom or The Man Who Loved Monev III You ll be the death of me sir with these arguments You re stuffed full of little speeches from the Stoa Poikile and they ve made you sick Wealth doesn t really belong to a person whereas wisdom is our own it s frost versus ice No one ever lost his wisdom after he got it Miserable me what a philosopher the gods forced me to share a house with You learned your letters backwards fool Your books turned your life upside down You ve offered your philosophical babbling to earth and heaven and they re completely uninterested in what you have to say F17 Hegesippus Comicus fr 2 from Men Who Were Fond of Their Comrades 111 When someone demanded that the wise Epicurus tell him what the Good is this thing they re constantly seeking after he said it was pleasure Well said best and wisest There s no greater good than chewing the Good is an attribute of pleasure F18 Bato fr 3 from The Murderer III 754 When a man can lie down with a beautiful woman in his arms and have two little pots of Lesbian wine this is the thoughtful man this is the Good Epicurus used to say what I m saying now If everyone lived the way I do no one would be odd or an adulterer F19 Alexis fr 25 from The Instructor In Pro igacy IVIII Why do you say these things mixing up the Lyceum the Academy and the gates of the Odeion the sophists babbling None of these things is good Let s drink Let s really drink Sicon Sicon Let s enjoy ourselves as long as we can nourish our souls Have a wild time Manes Nothing gives more pleasure than the belly It alone is your father and your mother too whereas personal distinctions by which I mean ambassadorships and generalships have the sound of empty boasts equivalent to dreams A divinity will bring about your death at the fated moment All you ll have is what you eat and drink everything else Pericles Codrus Cimon is dust G1 Poliochus fr 2 from an unidentified play V A small swarthy barley cake kneaded full of bran was what each of us had twice a day and a few figs Sometimes we roasted a mushroom and if there was a bit of rain we caught a snail And there were wild vegetables and a bruised olive and a little dubious wine to drink 755 G2 Antiphanes fr 174 from Omphale IV For how could any decent person ever leave this house when he sees these white bodied loaves filling the kitchen and moving constantly in and out of it and when he sees their form changed by the baking shells a creation of an Attic hand put on display by Thearion for his demesmen G3 Alexis fr 140 from Linus IVIII Linus Yes go over and pick any papyrus roll you like out of there and then read it Heracles Absolutely Linus examining them quietly and at your leisure on the basis of the labels Orpheus is in there Hesiod tragedies Epicharmus Homer Choerilus prose treatises of every type This way you ll show me what subject you re naturally inclined to Heracles I m picking this one Linus First show me what it is Heracles It s a cookbook according to the label Linus It s obvious you re quite a philosopher since you ve passed by works like these and chosen Simus trade Heracles Who s Simus Linus A very clever person He s now turned to tragedy he s far and away the best cook among the actors according to the people who employ him and the best author among the cooks a line or more is missing Linus This guy can t stop eating Heracles Say what you want I m hungry that s for sure 756 G4 Plato Comicus fr 189 from Phaon 391 BC A Here in this deserted spot I want to go through this book privately B Tell me please what s this A A new cookbook by Philoxenus B Give me a sample of it A Alright listen I shall begin with hyacinth bulb and conclude with tuna B With tuna Well it s corrupt much better to be posted here in the rear then A Subdue the hyacinth bulbs with hot ash drench them with sauce and eat as many as you can Because this makes a man s body stand up straight So much for that I move on to the children of the sea a line or more is missing Nor is a casserole dish bad but a frying pan is better I think a line or more is missing As for the perch the speckle fish the dentex and the shark do not cut them up lest vengeance from the gods breathe down upon you But roast and serve them whole for this is much better 396 If you get hold of the tentacle 39l of an octopus at the right season a stewed one is far better than a roasted one provided it is bigger But if there are two roasted ones I say to hell with the stewed one The mullet refuses to be of assistance to the male muscle for it is devoted to virgin Artemis and hates hard ons The scorpion fish on the other hand B Will I hope sneak up and sting you in the arse G5 Ephippus fr 15 from Men Who Looked Like One Another or n 39 IV 757 A But do the shopping without spending too much money anything s acceptable B Give me my orders master A Don t be extravagant keep it simple and buy whatever s available for appearances sake Squid and cuttlefish are enough if a crayfish is for sale one or two will be enough for our table Sometimes eels come from Thebes buy some of them A little rooster a little ringdove a little partridge things like that If a hare appears bring it home B How stingy you are A But you re too extravagant In any case we ve got meat B Did someone send it A No the lady of the house made a sacrifice Tomorrow we ll dine on Corone s little calf G6 Alexis fr 16 from The Man Who Had a Cataract IVIII Whenever I see the generals with their eyebrows raised I think they re behaving terribly although I m not too surprised that men who ve been awarded high honours by the city are a bit more proud than other people But when I see the damned fishsellers staring down at the ground with their eyebrows over their heads it makes me choke If you ask How much are you selling the two gray mullets for he says Ten obols Ouch Would you take eight If you buy the other one too My good sir take the money and don t fool around That s the price run along Isn t this more bitter than gall itself G7 Posidippus fr 1 from The Man Who Tried To Recover His Sight III 758 In the course of hiring a cook I ve heard all the abusive remarks the cooks made against each of their competitors how one fellow doesn t have a discriminating nose when it comes to fish as for another that his mouth s no good as for a third that he s ruined his tastebuds so that he prefers overly heavy seasonings or uses too much salt or vinegar or nibbles the food or burns things or can t stand the smoke or the fire I ve gone from the fire to the butchers knives But this one here made his way through the knives and the fire G8 Alexis fr 24 from Asclepiocleides IVIII I myself learned to cook so beautifully in Sicily that I sometimes make the dinner guests gnaw on the casserole dishes they like the food so much G9 Anaxippus fr 6 from The Citharode IVIII Bring me a soup ladle And fetch 12 skewers a meat hook a mortar a small cheese grater an aX handle three bowls a flaying knife and four cleavers Fetch the little cauldron the one from the spice market first you bastard Are you running behind again And the contest ax G10 Antiphanes fr 221 from Philotis IV 759 A So then as for the glaukidion I m ordering you to stew it in brine like at other times B What about the little sea bass A Roast it whole B The thresher shark A Stew it in a sauce B The eel A Salt marjoram and water B The conger eel A The same B The ray A Green herbs B There s a tuna steak A Roast it B The kid meat A Roasted B The other meat A The opposite B The spleen A Let s have it stuffed B The jejunum A This guy s going to be the death of me G11 Philemo fr 82 from The Soldier IVIII What a desire came over me to come and tell earth and sky how I prepared the food By Athena it s nice to be successful at everything I ve served the fish just as tender as he was when I got him not dosed with cheese or buried in herbs But just as he was when he was alive that s how he was roasted that s how soft and gentle a fire I furnished the fish when I roasted him And I won t be believed a line or more is missing It was just like when a bird snatches something too big to swallow at a gulp It runs around in a circle trying to hold onto it and does its best to swallow it down and the other birds chase it It was the same thing The first of them to understand the pleasure the casserole dish offered jumped up and began to run away in a circle holding it and the others were hot on his heels I had occasion to raise a cry of joy for some of them snatched something some got nothing others got it all But I was given muck eating river fish If I d got a parrot wrasse just now or an Attic glaukiskos O Zeus the Saviour or an Argive 760 boar fish or a conger eel which Poseidon takes to heaven for the gods from beloved Sicyon those who ate it would all have become gods I ve invented immortality whenever people who are now dead get just a whiff I bring them back to life G12 Archedicus fr 2 from The Treasure IVIII First of all while the fish is lying there uncooked the guests appear Pour water over my hands Take the fish and get out of here I put the casserole dish on the fire and sprinkled the coals thoroughly with oil and produce a flame While the vegetables and pungent side dishes are keeping my employer happy I deliver the fish stewed with the juices still in it along with a perfect brine sauce which every free man could dip his food into At the cost of a cup of oil I ve saved myself perhaps 50 dinner parties G13 Eubulus fr 63 from Spartans or Leda IV And in addition to these items you ll have a tuna steak chunks of pork and kid meat sausages and boar s liver and rams testicles and ox meat wieners and sheeps heads and kid s jejunum and hare s stomach and wurst and franks and a lung and bangers G14 Eubulus fr 72 from Oedipus IV The first man to discover dining on someone else s food was well disposed to average people it seems But if anyone invites a friend or a foreigner to dinner and then assesses him part of the cost let him go into exile and remove nothing from his house G15 Alexis fr 259 from The Exile IVIII Chaerephon s always coming up with some new trick and getting his dinners without contributing any money The minute the sun comes up he goes and stands in the place where the cooks rent their pots and pans If he sees something being rented for a feast he asks the cook who the host is and if he finds the door open he s the first one in G16 Alexis fr 263 from an unidentified play IVIII No one noticed that I was where he wanted the business to take place Water was poured over my hands A slave came carrying the table on which lay not just cheese or different types of olives or side dishes supplying us with more steam and bullshit than anything else Instead a casserole dish was set beside us that exuded the sumptuous smell of the Seasons and represented the circle of the whole sky Everything good that s up there was in it fish and kids and a scorpion fish ran between them and hard boiled eggs cut in half suggested the 762 stars We set our hands to work The other fellow was busy talking to me and nodding his head so the whole enterprise devolved to me To sum up I didn t stop digging at the dish until I d made it look like a sieve G17 Euphanes fr 1 from Muses IV When Phoenicides saw a boiling hot casserole dish full of Nereus children among the crowd of young men he restrained his hands although they were stirred with passion Who claims he is terrifying when it comes to eating from a common pot Who claims he is terrifying when it comes to snatching hot food from the midst Where is Corydos Phyromachus or mighty Neilus Let him confront us and I wouldn t be surprised if he gets nothing G18 Alexis fr 15 from The Man Who Had a Cataract IVIII A Unless corrupt every item individually you wouldn t get a penny out of me B Fair enough A Bring me an abacus and some counting pebbles Go ahead B There s raw saltfish for five bronze pieces A Next item B Mussels for seven bronze pieces A No sacrilege so far Next item B An obol for the sea urchins A You re still clean B Wasn t what came after that the cabbage you kept shouting for A Yeah it was good B I paid two obols for it A Then why did we shout for it B The cube saltfish cost three obols A Didn t he charge anything for corrupt B My dear sir you don t know 763 how matters are in the marketplace the locusts have consumed the vegetables A Is that why you charged double for the saltfish B That s the saltfish dealer go ask him about it Conger eel for 10 obols A That s not much Next item B I purchased the roast fish for a drachma A Damn It dropped like a fever then corrupt B Add on the wine I bought when you were drunk three measures at 10 obols per measure H1 Plato Comicus fr 71 from Spartans or Poets V IV A Have the men finished dinner yet B Almost all of them A Good work Why don t you run and bring the tables out I m coming to pour the washing water B And I m coming to sweep up A Then after I pour the libations I ll bring them the cottabus equipment The slave girl should already have had her pipes ready at hand and be practicing her playing I m going now to pour Egyptian perfume for them and then the type scented with iris root After that I ll bring each guest a garland and give it to him Someone should mix a fresh bowl of wine B It s been mixed in fact A After you put the frankincense on the brazier corrupt a number of lines are missing The libation s already taken place and they re well into their drinking a traditional song s been sung and the cottabus equipment has been removed from the room A little girl holding pipes is playing a Carian song for the guests I saw another one holding a lyre and then she began to sing an Ionian song along with it 764 H2 Nicostratus Comicus fr 27 from Falsely Tattooed IV And you get the second table ready Put all kinds of dainties on it and get perfume garlands incense and a pipe girl H3 Clearchus Comicus fr 4 from Pandrosus IV A Take some water over your hands B No no it s fine A Take it my good sir there s no harm done Slave girl Put some nuts and dainties on the table H4 Ephippus fr 8 from Ephebes IV Wheat pudding came in after this and Egyptian perfume someone opened a transport jar of Phoenician wine wafer bread came dainties a honey cake a milk cake a massive supply of eggs We were nibbling on all these items So we were vigorously chewing the food we had for we were in fact also feeding some fellow chewers H5 Diphilus fr 70 from Sappho IVIII Archilochus take this after washing cup full of Zeus the Saviour the Good Divinity 765 H6 Antiphanes fr 172 1 4 from Women Who Looked Like One Another or Men Who Looked Like One Another IV They dined this way I want to give a summary account of what happened in the meantime and a Thericleian cup dedicated to Zeus the Saviour came full of the luxurious nobly born drop from Lesbos and foaming Each man took it in his right hand H7 Philyllius fr 23 from an unidentified play VIV I ll furnish Lesbian mellow Chian Thasian Bibline and Mendaean so no one gets a hangover H8 Hermippus fr 77 perhaps from Porters late 430searly 420s BCE 39l Mendaean they piss even 396 the gods themselves in their soft bedclothes As for Magnesia s pleasant gift and Thasian over which drifts a scent of apples I rank this far and away the best of all wines except faultless painless Chian But there is one particular wine which they refer to as mellow when casks of it are tapped out of its mouth comes the divine scent of violets of roses of hyacinth It fills the whole high roofed house a mix of ambrosia and nectar This is what 766 nectar is m is what I need to give my friends to drink at a large meal whereas my enemies can have Peparethan H9 Alexis fr 9 from Aesop IVIII A This is something ingenious you have in Athens Solon and cleverly invented Solon What specifically A You don t drink unmixed wine at your parties Solon Yes because it s not easy to do so they sell it in the wagons already mixed not to make a profit but looking out for the buyers so they have healthy heads after they drink all night This you see is the Greek style of drinking to use cups of a modest size and have a bit of banter and pleasant conversation with one another The other style amounts to bathing not drinking that is drinking from a wine cooling vessel or buckets A Actually it amounts to death H10 Pherecrates fr 76 from Corianno V A It s undrinkable Glyce Glyce Did she pour something watery into your cup A Actually it s m water Glyce What did you do What mixture did you pour in her cup you nasty creature B Two parts water Mommy Glyce And how much wine B Four parts Glyce Damn you to hell You ought to be pouring wine for frogs 767 H11 Anaxandrides fr 1 from Rustics IV A What style are you prepared to drink in now Tell me B What style are we prepared to drink in Whatever style you d like A I suppose father that you want us to proceed counterclockwise and speak in honour of the man who s drinking B Proceed counterclockwise and speak Apollo Like over a corpse H12 Alexis fr 21 from The Man Who Was Mutilated IVIII For Chaireas wasn t a symposiarch but a public executioner proposing 20 cups as toasts H13 Antiphanes fr 57 from The Birth Of Aphrodite IV A I m talking about m don t you understand The lampstand is the cottabus equipment Pay attention Eggs five as a prize B For what This is ridiculous How are you going to play cottabus A I ll teach you To the extent that someone throws his cottabus onto the disk and makes it fall B The disk What disk A This little thing set on top B Are you talking about the little platter A That s the disk this fellow wins B How s anyone going to know this A If he just touches it it ll fall onto the man s and there ll be an enormous clatter B By the gods does the cottabus also have a Manes to serve it one or more lines are missing from the text Take the cup and show 768 me how A You need to curl your fingers like a crab s claws as if you were playing the pipes pour in a little wine not too much and then let it go B How A Look here Like this B Poseidon How remarkably high it went A You can do the same thing B I wouldn t reach there if I was using a sling A Alright time to practice H14 Plato Comicus fr 46 from Zeus Abused V IV A to play cottabus until I get dinner ready for the two of you inside Heracles I m quite willing I m sure to win A But you have to play in a mortar Heracles Bring the mortar Bring water Set cups beside us Let s play for kisses A I m not letting you play in such an unrefined way As the cottabus prizes for the two of you I m setting these platform shoes here that she s wearing and also your cup Heracles Damn This contest that s coming up is bigger than the one at the Isthmus H15 Antiphanes fr 85 from Men Who Were Twice As Big IV A What 11 be in it then for the gods B Nothing unless someone mixes some wine A Hold on Take hold of the cup and then don t recite one of these old fashioned pieces the Telamon or the Paean or the Harmodius H16 Aristophanes fr 444 from Storks 390s BCE 769 One fellow was singing the story of Admetus while holding a laurel bough but the other was trying to force him to sing the Harmodius song H17 Philemo fr 45 from The Seducer IVIII A There should have been a pipe girl there Parmenon or a nablas Parmenon What s a nablas A You don t know you lunatic Parmenon No by Zeus I don t A What do you mean You re not familiar with a nablas In that case you don t know about anything good Are you also unacquainted with sambuk girls H18 Eubulus fr 93 probably from Semele or Dionysus IV For I mix up only three bowls of wine for sensible people One is dedicated to good health and they drink it first The second is dedicated to love and pleasure the third to sleep wise guests finish it up and go home The fourth bowl no longer belongs to me but to abuse The fifth belongs to shouting the sixth to wandering drunk through the streets the seventh to black eyes the eighth to the bailiff the ninth to an ugly black humour and the tenth to madness extreme enough to make people throw stones a line or more is missing Because a great deal of wine poured into one little jar easily knocks drunks legs out from under them 770 H19 Alexis fr 160 from Odysseus Weaving IVIII A For extended socializing and many parties on a daily basis tend to produce mockery and mockery causes far more grief than pleasure Because it s how verbal abuse begins and as soon as you say something you immediately hear it back Next comes name calling and then you see people hitting each other and acting like drunken boors B Yes these things naturally happen this way What need was there for a seer H20 Pherecrates fr 162 from Cheiron V If you invite a friend to a large meal don t be upset when you see him there for a bad man behaves like this But enjoy yourself entirely at your ease and make him happy a line or more is missing If one of us invites someone to dinner when he s making a sacrifice we re upset if the fellow comes and we give him dirty looks while he s there and want him to leave as soon as possible Then he somehow recognizes this and puts on his shoes but then one of the other guests says Are you leaving already Why don t you drink a bit Take off his shoes And the man who s making the sacrifice gets upset at the one who s detaining the other and immediately quotes the elegiac lines And neither hold back anyone who is unwilling to remain with us nor wake the man who is asleep Simonides Don t we say things like this over our wine when we have a friend to dinner Il Susarion fr 1 an ancient forgery date uncertain Listen people Susarion son of Philinus a Tripodiscan from Megara says the following Women are trouble But all the same demesmen one can t have a household without trouble For both marrying and not marrying are trouble 12 Eubulus fr 115 from Chrysilla IV Damn the bastard whoever he was who was the second man to marry I won t say anything bad about the first one because he had no experience I think of this trouble But the second fellow had heard what sort of trouble a woman is one or more verses are missing Oh much honoured Zeus Then am I ever going to say anything bad about women By Zeus may I die if I do they re the best possessions there are If Medea was a bad woman Penelope was something great Someone will say Clytaemestra was bad I counter her with the good Alcestis Perhaps someone will speak badly of Phaedra but by Zeus there s the good Who was there Who Alas miserable me I quickly ran out of good women whereas I still have many bad ones to mention I3 Menander fr 236 from The Misogynist IVIII 772 Simylus I m not feeling good about the business B Yes because you ve got it the wrong way around You see the difficulties in it and the things that are going to cause you grief but you re not looking at the positive aspects You couldn t find a single good thing Simylus that doesn t also have some bad attached to it An expensive wife is annoying and she doesn t let her husband live the way he wants But here s one good thing that comes from her children And when her spouse gets sick she takes good care of him when he has bad luck she stays by his side and when he dies she buries him and wraps him properly Consider these things whenever some day to day matter makes you unhappy this way you ll put up with the whole business But if you always focus on what s making you unhappy and don t balance it against the anticipated benefits you ll always be miserable I4 Menander fr 804 from an unidentified play IVIII This is how we all ought to get married by Zeus the Saviour so that we come out ahead We shouldn t enquire into things that are completely useless who the grandfather of the woman one s marrying was and who her grandmother was but not inquire or look into the character of the bride with whom one s going to live And we shouldn t take the dowry to a money changer s table so that a tester can determine if the silver s any good money that won t remain inside the house for five months but make no test of the woman who s going to be constantly sitting inside the house for her entire life and get at random 773 someone thoughtless hot tempered difficult or perhaps talkative I ll parade my own daughter around the whole city You who want to marry her talk to her See in advance what size trouble you re going to get for a woman s necessarily an evil thing and the man s lucky who gets the least substantial evil IS Menander fr 815 from an unidentified play IVIII You re overstepping the married woman s boundaries wife I mean the courtyard door for the courtyard door s considered the outer limit of the house for a free woman Chasing someone and running out into the street still barking at him that s what a dog does Rhode 16 Plato Comicus fr 188 from Phaon 391 BC Alright ladies You know I ve been praying for a long time for your foolishness to turn into wine for your mind doesn t appear to me to be in the wineshop as the saying goes If you want to see Phaon you have to make numerous preliminary sacrifices of the following sort first first of all a preliminary offering is made to me the Rearer of Children consisting of an uncastrated cake a pregnant wheat paste cake 16 perfect thrushes in honey sauce and 12 moon shaped pieces of hare meat As for the rest now 396 these thing very cheap 1 Pay attention Three half measures of hyacinth bulbs for Orthann s and a little platter of myrtle berries plucked by hand for Conisalus and his two attendants because the deities 774 dislike the smell of lamps 396 four corrupt 39l for the Hounds and the Huntsmen a drachma for Lordon three obols for Cybdasus a hide and sacrificial barley cakes for the hero Cel s This is what you have to spend If you were to bring these items you d get in Otherwise you can long in vain to be fucked 17 Alexis fr 103 from Isostasion IVIII Everything else first of all is secondary to them in comparison with making a profit and plundering the people close to them and they stitch together plots against everyone And whenever they get rich they take new courtesans novices at the craft into their houses They immediately reshape them so they don t act or look the same any longer A girl happens to be short cork s attached to the soles of her shoes She s tall she wears a thin soled shoe and puts her head down on her shoulder when she goes outside this reduces her height She s got no arse her mistress discreetly puts a pad on her so that people who see her comment loudly on what a fine rear end she has She s fat they have some of the chest pieces that belong to the comic actors and by attaching these at a right angle they use them like poles to separate her clothing from her belly A girl has blond eyebrows they draw them in with soot It happens that her skin s dark her mistress covers her with white lead A girl s skin is too white she rubs rouge on herself She has an attractive feature it s put on display naked She has nice teeth she has to laugh like it or not so that everyone who s there can see what a lovely mouth she has And if she doesn t like laughing she ll remain inside all day with a thin piece of 775 myrtle wood like what the butchers always have when they sell goats heads stuck upright between her lips So eventually she grins like it or not 18 Xenarchus fr 4 from The Pentathlete IV The young men are behaving terribly terribly unbearably in our city For they live in a place where there are very good looking girls in the brothels whom you can see basking in the sun with their breasts bare half dressed and lined up one after another in a column A man can select whichever one he likes thin fat round tall withered up young old middle aged ancient without setting up a ladder and entering the house secretly or coming in through a peep hole beneath the roof or being carried in craftin in a heap of bran For they re the aggressors and they drag customers in calling the old men daddykins and the younger ones sweet brother And you can have sex with any of them with no fear and cheaply during the day in the evening any way you want Whereas the women you can t see and can t see clearly when you do see them but always trembling and frightened fearful having your life in your hand one or more lines are missing How in the world Cypris mistress of the sea can they fuck them when they recall Draco s laws as they re moving in time with their partners I9 Timocles fr 24 from Men From Marathon IV 776 What an enormous difference between spending the night with a free girl and with a prostitute Damn The firmness of her esh Her colour and breath Ye gods The fact that everything s not too ready for you and you have to struggle a little and get slapped and punched by her soft hands That s nice by Zeus the greatest 110 Epicrates fr 8 from The Chorus IV The damned go between took me in completely swearing By the Maid by Artemis by Pherrephatta that the girl was a heifer a Virgin an unbroken filly In fact she was an utter mouse nest Ill Phoenicides fr 4 from an unidentified play III By Aphrodite I d rather not put up with working as a courtesan any longer Pythia to hell with it Don t talk to me about it I failed it s not for me I want to put an end to it As soon as I took up the trade I had a lover who was a soldier He was constantly talking about his battles and showing off his scars as he talked But he didn t produce any income He claimed he was getting a grant of some sort from the king and he was always talking about it And because of this grant I m describing the bastard was granted me as a gift for a year I got rid of him and got someone else a doctor He brought quite a few people into the house and performed surgery or cauterized them He was a beggar and an executioner and he seemed worse than the other one to me the first told a tall tale whereas the 777


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