PSYC OF HUMAN INTIMACY
PSYC OF HUMAN INTIMACY Psyc 275
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Jamarcus Fadel PhD
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This 23 page Class Notes was uploaded by Jamarcus Fadel PhD on Saturday September 26, 2015. The Class Notes belongs to Psyc 275 at James Madison University taught by Bijan Saadatmand in Summer 2015. Since its upload, it has received 10 views. For similar materials see Psychology of Human Intimacy in Psychlogy at James Madison University.
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Date Created: 09/26/15
Lecture 3 on Mate Selection Goals and Objectives Upon the completion of this lecture students will be able to 1 Understand the Goal the Meaning the Criteria and the Processes of Mate Selection Understand the Matrix of Dating Courtship Engagement and Marital Interactions Identify Various Theories of Mate Selection with Their Descriptions and Objectives Know Factors That Cause IIixed Marriage if ignored during mate selection process Recognize the Maj or Issues Regarding Cohabitations Lecture Content Some Significant Issues regarding Intimacy Relationships Socialization Emotional Needs and Love 1 N DJ 4 Human Intimacy is the results of interactions between some signi cant variable those variables are our physicalsexual involvements our intellectual abilities and our emotional needs or closeness The emotional variable demonstrates the intimate feelings of closeness to someone Whom you love and heshe makes you feel loved Usually one39s Emotional Needs are associated with one39s Affective domain Cognitive processing and Behavioral outlets However the Emotional Needs are considered to be strongly subjective There can be no intimacy Within any relationship if the trust is missing One ofthe strongest barriers to intimacy is the fear of being rejected UI Socialization is acquiring the skills necessary to become an individual member of a society O quotGoing Steady throughout adolescence will reduce a person39s ability to develop interpersonal skills I Remember that the best relationship is one in which the love for each other exceeds the needs of each partner 00 Take into account that great love and great achievements always involve great risk DL D If and when you lose a lover or a relationship try not to lose the lesson you learned from that relationship DL 10 Remember that not getting what you really wanted in life is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck DL 11 Always try to respect yourself respect others and above all be responsible for all of your actions DL Human Intimacy and MateSelection The concept of Human Intimacy is generally interpreted with various types of meanings within certain kinds of relationships However in this particular lecture the role of Social Cognition and Commitments and its consequences are discussed alongside of the definition Human Intimacy As it was discussed earlier Human Intimacy is a Psychodynamic Phenomenal of three distinct psychological processes or variables within a mutual dyadic relationships The Psychodynamic variables or domains are LUSM Might I T L Hence the description of Psychology of Human Intimacy is quite compleX and its behavioral outcome are complicated as well Thus this lecture addresses the compleXities Within the individual s lntrapersonal as well as Interpersonal Relationships in connection with the role of Social Cognitions Within the MateSelection processes Goal for studying Mate Selection Research indicates that by studying and understanding the current systems of mate selection couples may develop an insight into this complex issue and gain the ability to predict with some accuracy its impact on their future adjustment outcome Dating Criteria The American dating pattern is an Open Choice process in which couples select each other through social interactions and physical participation that is strongly in uenced by individual attractions Dating Patterns 1 The present generation has its own norms and codes of dating conduct hanging outia superficial relationship with no form of commitment insight 2 There are no formal dating patterns Couples casually and spontaneously quothang outquot with one another Generally folks get to know each other fairly well before their first get together or later quothook upquot Going steady seems less formal and more relaXing than in the past However there are some problems with going steady before or during college life especially when couples are not ready a Places unnecessary social pressure on both individuals b Creates and adds to sexual pressure on the relationship c Causes possessiveness sometimes results in fights 1 Does not allow additional relationship experiences e Often leads to early and less stable marriages Mate Selection Process The steps in the process are as follows 1 2 Casual recreational dating of numerous persons hanging out Multiple dates with fewer people selected group hangout Going steady one person is selected Informal discussions of commitments emotional involvement Cohabitation andor Engagement testing and evaluating Final Commitment and Marriage Commitment and Relationships There are actually three types of commitments Jt m 139 r ii if quot occurs when people want to continue within a use they are attracted to their partners and the relationship b c relationship is satisfying nfwifixf 51 111mi1mm occurs when people feel they m to continue within a relationship because it would be too costly for them to leave In constraint commitment people fear the social and financial consequences of ending their relationships and they will continue with it even when they wish they could depart avmf derives from a sense of moral obligation to one s partner or one s relationship Here people feel they ight to continue the relationship because it would be improper to end it and break a promise or vow Spouses in this category feel morally committed to stay in the unsatisfactory relationship no matter what The Conseguences of Commitment Committed people engage in a variety of behavioral and cognitive maneuvers that preserve and enhance their relationships as well as reinforce their commitment Hence the committed people usually exhibit Andor b W quot s 39 is a Passive Behavioral Pattern in which people refrain from responding in a provocative manor in order to save the relationship Accommodating committed people will usually tolerate destructive behavior without fighting back for the sake of the relationship V r 39 39v I an Active Behavioral Pattern for the good of the relationship They do things they wouldn t do if they were on their own and they do not do things they would have liked to do in order to benefit their partner and enhance their relationships ml Hni Nix1 c 3 quotup they feel no longer can take itf hence they usually choose getting out of the relationship The role of Social Cognition in MateSelection Destiny VS Growth Social Cognitive beliefs for Relationships and Mate Selection What do you think Under which category do your Social Cognitive abilities operate If a person s beliefs dictate that Destiny is mostly responsible for one s mate selection then he she will likely agree with the following social cognitive statements Potential relationship partners are either compatible or they are not A A successful relationship is a matter of finding a compatible partner right from the start J Potential relationship partners are either meant to get along or they are U not Relationships that do not start off well have no chance for survival and 4 SUCCESS If a person s beliefs lean toward the Growth grocess then hisher perceptions judgments relationships and values for decision making will be in uenced by such cognitive processing Hence heshe will agree with the following social cognitive statements 1 The ideal relationship will develop gradually over time 2 Challenges and obstacles in a relationship can make love even stronger 3 A successful relationship is mostly a matter of learning to resolve con icts with a partner 4 A successful partnership evolves through hard work and resolution of incompatibilities The Matrix of Interactions The classical Four types of Intimate Relationships of While on the growth process continuum with explicit and expected behavioral outcomes regarding A The Goals of relationship B The Themes of relationship what we are looking for C The Emotional Atmospheres of relationship emotional need and gratification D The Balance of Power who has more controls on the relationship E The Behavioral Limits individual s behavioral responsibilities See the interaction results below THE MATRIX 0F DATING COURTSHIP GACEMENT amp MARRIAGE wo noNAL EvaoM mm DATING commup IN I ERAE IICN xmmm ION ELmarlus POPULUUH39 INVOLVFMIZN39I Guru Rsununsnw EXCITENIFN I DOMI39NANCLK mars 1uuLL FL COMMITMEN39I HIGH IDEALIZA mm MARK AGF mmc orl ENGAGEMENT INTERACTan TESTING VALUATION ACIUALIZATION 0F Bum NALI UH BRIDGING pemon NFFD FOR cum lEATlON HIGH EMOTIONS m A I MDSPHAYLE MIXED wv REA m39 BALANCE MALE FFMALE NEITHER ROLE OF DOMTNANCE DOMINAMI DUNNch ASSERUON POWER DOMTNANCE FFMALE L m A RESPONSIBILIY Theories of Mate Selection The literature on Mate Selection introduces us to various theories Some of the following theories are inconclusive and oversimplified but most are worthy of our attention 1 The quotFilter Theoryquot of Mate selection Mate selection is an involved process and it is inevitable that some mate selection criteria may receive additional scrutiny and screening for the discovery of similarities such as a Orientation toward marriage b Proximity of traits and quotsuitabilityquot of background c Evaluation of common values and attitudes d Personality trait exploration 2 quotIndividualistic and Preferencequot Theory The disappearance of a strong kinship system in today s societies is resulting in the freedom which young people now enj oy39 thus it has brought about an enormously complex system of mate selection a Initial physical attractiveness often produces the halo effectquot tendency for first impression to in uence accurate evaluation b The greater the distance between the Real Self and the Ideal Self the harder it is to discover the future outcome of mate selection c Frequent dating interactions usually allow some accurate Self Disclosure to reveal itself which may or may not be satisfactory dThere are no fully satisfying techniques in selecting a partner for a lasting relationship however all couples during the mate selection period try to find their prefect mate 3 quotUnconscious Archetypequot Theory modeling after a pattern Some of the earliest theories and perhaps radical theories of mate selection suggested that what guides a man to choose a woman it seldom was the other way around is instinct The quotSoul Theory of Carl Jung suggests that falling in love quotis being caught by one s Anima the Soul or the inner part of one s personality That is every man inherits an quotAnimaquot which is an quotArchetype Formquot expressing a particular pattem of female image that he carries in his genes Thus when the right woman comes along the one who corresponds to the archetype the man is usually instantly quotseized quot 4 quotParent Imagequot Theory A Psychoanalytic view of mate selection which is based on the theory of the quotOedipus Complexquot In this approach one s ideal mate is a parent substitute Men may seek someone who resembles their mother and women may seek someone like their father 5 Theory of quotLike Attracting Likequot Generally that quotlikes attract each otherquot is an unproven assumption at least with respect to any wellknown personality traits However research does tend to suggest that quotthe stability of marriages may to some extent depend on the degree of likeness of personalitiesquot 6 Theory of quotPrinciple of Complementary Needsquot Probably as old as any other assumption is that quotopposites attract39 for example a domineering and aggressive person seeks a submissive partner who usually gives in easily Thus the specific need pattern of the personality of each partner will be complementary Research investigations however have been inconclusive at best The researchers have been unable to find firm evidence to support complementary needs fulfillment in personality and physical traits as being the primary reason for mate selection Because the degree of relationship between most personality traits and this particular quotneedquot characteristic is largely unknown Thus quotlikes will attract likes and quotopposites will always attract each other are possibly oversimplifications of a very complex explanation 7 quotPropinquity and Social Interactionsquot Theory Propinquity refers to the geographical proximity that facilitates physical and social togetherness Generally a person quotselectsquot a partner mate from the group of people that one interacts with Selections from one s neighborhood place of residence school or university place of work are all based on propinquity This nearness plays a major part in our mate selection Propinquity is a quotprecondition criteriaquot for almost any form or type of social interaction 8 quotExchangequot Theory The primary reasons for initiating and maintaining interpersonal attractions for possible mate selection seem to be related in one form or another to principles of exchange Marriage is viewed as an exchange of assets and liabilities which each partner brings to the relationship These exchanges may bring about a fair degree of confidence and anticipated quotsocial classquot respectability This theory however has not been wellregarded as a motive for mate selection despite its repeated usage 9 Theory of quotValues and Belief Patternsquot The importance of Norms and Values in mate selection part of the social fabric of every society is passed on from generation to generation Through this vital socialization process one learns the enduring criteria in the process of mate selection Some of these criteria are quotsimple folkway beliefsquot that nevertheless in uence in predictable ways how one will choose who to marry 10 Theory of quotHomogamy and Endogamyquot Homogamy is the quottendency for people to marry persons who are similar to themselves quot Endogamy refers to the quottendency for people to marry within their social groupquot Social class endogamy plays a signi cant part in the process of mate selection It is the basic mechanism which serves to maintain the status quo and conserve traditional values and beliefs And because marriage itself is such a vital institution it is not too difficult to understand why so many of the social characteristics such as race religion social class ethnicity etc are also important variables in mate selection There are at least four explanations for the persistence of social class endogamy in the mate selection process a People from the same social class tend to share the same values and attitudes b Class endogamy in most cases is simply a function of the interlocking nature of social class and ethnicity c Educational background and social class endogamy are interrelated d Demanding family quotnormsquot exert a great deal of pressure on individuals to select someone of their own kind 11 Theory of quotEthnic and Religion Solidarityquot Religion and national solidarity is found among many groups Italians Hispanics Poles Christians Middle Eastern Moslems and Jews etc and to some degree motivates people to select their mates from the same endogamous population Factors Causing Mixed Marriage Mixed marriages are the result of ignoring one or more of the following homogamous or endogamous criteria It is believed that marriages that have more combination of the following factors have higher challenging tasks for survival as compared to those marriages that have less of these variables Race Religion Age Social Class Nationality and Ethnicity Education Intelligence Family Background Previous Marital Status Body Appeal size quotFOPOSQF WbP NE 0 Relationship Commitment Scale Use the following choices of Truthfulness to answer each question 1 Not at all 2 Slightly 3 Moderately 4 Very 5 Extremely l I feel strongly linked to my partner and very attached to our relationship 2 It pains me to see my partner suffer 3 I feel very much affected when things are not going well in my relationship 4 In all honesty my family and friends are more important than this relationship 5 I am very much oriented toward the longterm future of this relationship and can imagine being with my partner for many years My partner and I joke about what things will be like when we are old I find it difficult to imagine myself with my partner in the distant future When I make plans about future events in my life Ithink about the impact of my decisions on our relationship I intend to stay in this relationship I want to maintain this relationship I feel inclined to keep our relationship going My gut feeling is to continue this relationship To determine your total Relationship Commitment score reverse the rating you indicated for questions 4 and 7 If you answered I change it to 5 2 becomes 4 3 remains the same 4 becomes 2 and 5 becomes 1 Then add up your ratings The higher your score the greater is your relationship commitment Source Arriago amp Agnew 2001 Cohabitation Cohabitation is defined as a couple living together without being married The couple may have the following reasons p A Practical reasons living together without any deep intimate relationship N Shortlived sexual ings 3 Trial marriage 4 A permanent alternative to marriage U Previously divorced partners living together and not marrying out of fear of making the same mistake Much cohabitation is short lived It seems men who are less or not at all committed usually list sex as their major reason for cohabiting On the other hand women may be expecting commitment when they enter cohabitation Current research lists the following misconceptions held by women who enter cohabitation 1 He is not ready to make total commitment but he will change his mind after we live together 2 How can we get to know each other unless we live together 3 We are in love I trust him why bring marriage into it It is just a piece of paper 4 I am not ready to get married yet I need to be with someone to give my love to Lecture 4 on Marriage Intimacy and Expectation Goals and Objectives Upon the completion of this lecture students will be able to 1 Understand the reasons and assumptions for marriage 2 Recognize motives both good and bad for marriage 3 Understand Legal Aspects and Transitions to marriage 4 Understand the criteria for Marital Success 5 Understand Marital Expectations and its complex challenging and vague meaning 6 Recognize the characteristics of Strong and Successful marriages 7 Write and document their own understanding of Marital Expectations as it relates to their Attitudes and Emotional Needs formation Lecture Content Reasons for Marriage Marrying after some extended amount of courtship usually reveals that there are similar values and attitudes within the couple In addition to the desire for an extended relationship and sexual needs there are also three psychological assumptions required of the mate selection process 1 igl wizu39atwu39 lf AvH39Hmwum L H39fergr Original Attraction is based upon our Cultural Ideal and Sex Appropriateness It may include a Bargaining Situation in which one may be willing to lower hisher Cultural Expectations in order to satisfy the partner s demands Write a paragraph about your own personal Stimuli Assumptions in reference to What types of Stimuli may turn you ON or OFF in terms of l Partner s Behavioral Displays 2 Partner s Emotional Response 3 Partner s Physical Appearances 4 Partner s Intellectual abilities 5 Partner s Interpersonal Performances 6 You may also refer to the 25 expectations list on page 9 If the relationship continues successfully then it is assumed that couples are satisfied with their Value Similarity Write a paragraph about how accurately you detect your partner s intrinsic or instrumental value orientations in reference to l Hisher strongpassionate or weak interpersonal interactions N Hisher accurate knowledge about your interpersonal abilities cue sensitiVities etc U Knowledge and self perception about hisher intrapersonal abilities 4 What lessons he she has gained from Past Experiences etc Both Stimuli Assumptions and Value Assumptions were discussed earlier about topics regarding mixed marriages Write a paragraph about the following Variables of Mixed Marriage in regard to your own Values about each one of the following Further Describe in detail your attitudes regarding these criteria you have their Exgectation Ownershig and how you think it may help or hurt your future partnership you participate within each variable 509 gt1F3Fquot39gtP NE A 0 Race Religion Age Differences Social Class Differences Nationality and Ethnicity Dissimilarities Educational Differences Intellectual Dissimilarities Family Background Alcoholic Abusing Hostile etc Previous Marital Status Divorced Widowed with children etc Physical Appeal or body size etc If the relationship is satisfactory then it is assumed that the couples have been able to accurately perceive their own Role Expectations Those individuals with High Self Concept will perceive their own self concept and their partner s Role Expectations with more accuracy We will talk about the quotRolequot issues at a later time Motives for Marriage Motives for marriage are either good Which will enhance the future relationship39 or poor which will be destructive to the relationship 1 Basic Similarity andor Propinquities good The following sequential list contains Variables in contrast to the previous Mix list that couples need to recognize when contemplating marriage A Social Class B Religion C Race D Age Ethnicity and Nationality E Family Background Roles Value System Personality Traits F Intelligenc eEduc ation G Previous marital status H Energy Level 2 Love and Openness Toward Dyadic Growth good 3 Personal Gain Social or Economic poor 4 Self Hate Intentional and Neurotic Behavior poor 5 Fascination with the Idea of Marriage poor 6 Forced Marriage Unintentional poor 7 Rebellious against Parent Society Seeking Independence poor 8 Motivation for Social Reform Racial or Cultural poor 9 Sexual Attraction poor 10 The One and Only One Love at First Sight poor Legal Aspects of Marriage In American society States set minimum standards for marriage in the interest of Social Order and Stability These standards are for assuring the legitimacy of marriage the protection of couples property rights and inheritance rights and monogamous marriages in the U S Marriage in the U S is a contract with rights and obligations for parties set by the state of residence Partners must follow ALL prescribed conditions that states dictate Thus the marriage contract involves three parties the man the woman and the state Some states may allow same seX marriage Couples must declare that they will take each other as husband and wife and this marriage ceremony must be witnessed by others There are no other specific requirements The marriage ceremony commits the couple to new sets of roles directed toward marital satisfaction Couples can write their own marriage contract which will help clarify their expectations Prenuptial Contract Agreements CAN NOT and doeswill not replace nor can it legally override state marriage contracts and obligations However Prenuptial Agreements and similar contracts tend to promote an Egalitarian Relationship meaning some form of understanding about equality between marital partners etc has been agreed upon Transition to Marriage 1 Marriage is accompanied by variety of duties and obligations 2 A person s identity changes with marriage 3 A person will lose hisher independence 4 Leisure time activities must be planned with the new partner 5 New relationships must develop with both sets of parents 6 Family finance and agreements will replace individual finance 7 The sexual relationship will be a Vital transition 8 The couple must change attitude from selfcentered to other centered 9 Marriage transitions are never ending tasks 10 It is difficult to remember that while married couples are a united team they must also maintain their own Individuality Interest and Identity ll Couples must realize that marriage is a status and not a contract De ning Marital Success Because 1 Marital success is very difficult to define since it is often confused with marital adjustment permanence and happiness 2 Couples may achieve marital adjustment but adjustment may not lead to marital success or happiness 3 If marital success is defined only as permanence we may have overlooked the fact that relationships can be permanent but unsatisfactory or unhappy 4 If success is defined as only happiness then no marriage could be considered successful because not all families are happy all of the time There are many positive interactions in marriage that can produce feelings of security Hence Marital Success may broadly be defined as a Partners have made significant adjustment toward their eXpected marital roles and relationships39 b Couples have relative agreements on most important issues regarding their marital eXpectations39 c Partners feel comfortable with their marital roles39 d Couples seems able to work together and solving their marital con icts and problems with relative easiness39 e Couples expressing overall satisfaction and seem optimistic about their future marital relationships39 AGE and CHILDREN are two important factors that are closely related to marital success 1 The younger the age at marriage the greater the risk of marital dissatisfaction 2 Marital satisfaction is lower when children are being raised 3 Marital satisfaction has a U shaped curve Marital satisfaction starts to fall shortly after marriage or during childbearing and will drop to a low point when children reach adolescence and then it rises through the later stages of the marriage life cycle Marital ExpectationzDefined as An attitude of anticipating a vague but de ned set of behaviors closely related to one s own subjective emotional needs Expectations that one brings to hisher marital relationships plays a significant role in the success or failure of the relationship Expectations one holds about hisher partner will eventually in uence the partner in the direction of such expectation Disappointment follows when spouses fail to meet hopeful expectations because the expectation represents hope about the future of the relationship because frequently our behavior is guided by our perceptions rather than the realities of our world Our perceptions do not always re ect the real world Unrealistic expectations in marriage are due to our failure to recognize and form the appropriate and accurate perceptions of our world Couples strong emotional needs surface when their anticipations about each others behavior become strongly subjective The honeymoon is over when couples realize the presence of unrealistically high expectations or observe continuously low expectations of each others need fulfillment which is usually caused by a lack of commitment Marital relationships are usually subject to fail when the following expectations become strongly subjective and emotional a Romantic Love has faded b Communication Problems are numerous c Unfulfilled Sexual Needs are experienced d Expectations toward Total Need Fulfillment high expectations and confused role perception etc are apparent e The Adjustment Processquot has not been achieved f Con ict and lack of Crisis Management are plentiful g Financial Management is missing or unbearable All of the above issues will be discussed in the upcoming lectures Characteristics of Stron and Successful Marriaes Tl w m 1 39ii 1 r 1H Commitment is the single strongest factor in successful marriage These include Commitment toward a Each other with trust and respect b The family as a unit itself c A long lasting relationship quotuntil death do us apartquot d Working together to find better ways to cope with family crisis d Sharing responsibility Successful marital partners will put aside their subjective perceptions and work toward realistic objectives in their marriage Strong families have the ability to work play communicate and spend time together without smothering one another They also try to eat meals together and talk at the dinner table as often as possible The Perceptions and Acceptance of Myths about Marriage Myth is a form of belief held with uncritically and without any examination One explanation for the current high divorce rate in the American society or possibly in other nations is due to the couples Unrealistic or High expectations Example may include expecting the spouse to simultaneously be a friend a lover a con dant a fulfilling sex partner a money manager a cook and housekeeper a good provider a counselor a parent etc Hence myths can lead to an unexamined perhaps even unconscious set of expectations If the myths that one holds are untrue or are only partially true or not the same as held by the other partner serious problems will occur when the realities of relationship are discovered The purpose here is to discuss the issue and raise questions about myth so they it can be examined and eventually replaced with conscious belief and reality The Myths TrueFalse 1 A husband s marital satisfaction is usually lower if his wife is employed full time than if she is a fulltime homemaker false 2 Most young single nevermarried people will eventually get married true 3 In most marriages having a child usually improves marital satisfaction for both spouses false 4 The best single predictor of overall marital satisfaction is the quality of the couple s sex life false 5 A greater percentage of wives are in the work place today than in 1970 true 6 Marital satisfaction for the wife is usually lower if she is employed than if she is a fulltime homemaker false 7 If my spouse really loves me he she should instinctively know whatI want and need to be happy false 8 In a marriage in which the wife is employed fulltime the husband usually assumes an equal share of the housekeeping responsibilities false 9 In most marriages marital satisfaction gradually increases from the first year of marriage through the child bearing years the teen years the empty nest period and retirement false 10 No matter how I behave my spouse should love and care for me simply because of the promises we made and our vows as spouses false 11 One of the most frequent marital problems is poor communication true 12 Husbands because of their jobs etc usually make more lifestyle adjustments than wives false 13 Couples who have cohabited before marriage usually report greater marital satisfaction than those who have not false 14 One can usually change one s spouse s behavior by simply pointing out hisher inadequacies errors and so forth false 15 Couples who marry when one or both partners are under twenty years old have a greater chance of eventually divorcing than those who many when they are older true 16 Either my spouse loves me or does not love me39 nothing I can do will affect the way my spouse feels about me false 17 The more a spouse discloses positive and negative information to hisher partner the greater the chances for marital satisfaction of both partners false 18 I must feel better about my partner before I can change my behavior toward himher false 19 Maintaining romantic love is the key to marital happiness over the lifespan of most couples false 20 Prenuptial agreements promote egalitarian behavior equality and hence help in understanding role equity true Some Anecdotes 0n Expectation People anticipate who you are by what they see in your actions not what they hear from you Expecting to worry is like paying interest on a borrowed thought The best two ways to expect to get even is for you to try to forgive and plan to forget Expect to remember that reputation is made in a moment while character is built throughout a lifetime Expect that the wrong type of folks you hang out with will determine the troubles you will meet The expectations and revelations about a person s true characters are observed by what he she does when no one is watching