Lecture Notes for Test 2 so far
Lecture Notes for Test 2 so far HDFS 2000-002
Popular in Marriage and Family in a Global Context
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This 15 page Class Notes was uploaded by Bailey Richards on Tuesday September 29, 2015. The Class Notes belongs to HDFS 2000-002 at Auburn University taught by Jayson Carmona in Summer 2015. Since its upload, it has received 66 views. For similar materials see Marriage and Family in a Global Context in Human Development at Auburn University.
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Date Created: 09/29/15
Test 2 missed 915 on Dating 917 Lecture Love Test Section 2 Dating Parental Influence of the Dating Process Expectations Commitment Parents influence daughters more than sons Supportrelationship continuing Indirect influences of family structure Divorce Poor fatherdaughter relationships Family problems and conflict Dependence Model The experience of dependence is a reflection of the degree to which a given relationship fulfills the needs that are most important to that relationship as well or better than those needs are gratified elsewhere in either single or multiple alternative relationships Factoid of the Day In dating and mate selection we tend to choose people who are our equals in terms of looks intelligence education etc When there is a significant disparity it tends to be because of an exchange Intrinsic vs Extrinsic Dating Qualities Conflict between dating and spouse qualities Study of 1135 College Students Most Important Qualities of a Date Physical attractiveness Congenial personality Sense of humor Intelligent Mannersbeing considerate Sincere genuine Compatible interests Conversational ability Fun to be with Most Important Qualities of a Spouse Loving and affectionate Honest Congenial personality Respectful Intelligent Matureresponsible Ambitious Loyal and trustworthy Physical attractiveness Maintaining a Long Distance Relationship Don t expect it to be easy Anticipate the various stages this wont be different anger amp resentment acceptance Identify the benefits of the relationship Find methods of maintaining connection Avoid unsettling phone content Be clear about the rules for your relationship Dealing with Relationship Dissatisfaction Rusbult s Strategies Exit Voice Loya y Neglect Breaking Up Factors Predicting Distress Following a BreakUp The longer the relationship The perceived closeness of the relationship Their perceived ease in finding an alternative partner Communication Strategies Used to BreakUp Verbal Directness Confronted the other with completed decision to end the relationship Expressed reasons for ending relationship Verbal lndirectness While conversing with partner avoided asking about the other s activities and opinions While conversing with partner avoided discussing information about self Nonverbal Withdrawal While interacting with partner avoided touch While interacting with partner reduced the amount of eye contact Continue to see partner but not quite as often as in the past Adult Attachment Types Secure Avoidant AnxiousAmbivalent Hazan amp Shaver 3 parenting categories Hazan amp Shaver 3 attach categories Secure Preoccupied Dismissive Avoidant Fearful Avoidant Bart 4 attach Categories Bartholemew s 2 X 2 model Study of almost 200 undergrads in Australia 2 data collections over a 10 week period using Hazan amp Shaver 4category model Examined their attachment classification their degree of relief surprise amp upset following a breakup and current relationship status Findings Who was most likely to report a breakup during the study Avoidants especially females Who was most relieved Avoidants most relieved following the breakup most likely to comment quite relieved other 2 groups more likely to respond with slightly relieved Who was most surprised by the breakup may reflect skills in monitoring the relationship AnxiousAmbivalents Who was the most upset AnxiousAmbivalents on average very upset secures quite upset avoidants only slightly upset Who was most likely to report currently being in love AnxiousAmbivalents all who were dating again said they were currently in love even if they were dating multiple partners Future of these relationships Suggestions How to Break Up Without Going to Pieces For the Dumper Be sure you want to is EXIT the best alternative Acknowledge that your partner will be hurt Don t continue seeing them as friends until considerable time has passed Don t change your mind see a Change routines etc assoc with the relationship For the Dumpee Listen and try to understand why Don t try and force them to stay in the relationship Don t do anything stupid stalking suicide climb in bottle etc The pain and loneliness you feel are natural and will pass Create a ritual to end the relationship Change routines etc assoc with the relationship Violence Following BreakUp Explaining violence following breakups Issues of jealous control abandonment rejection primal responses Motives for Use of Violence By Gender Table Courtship Violence Rates similar to marital violence 16 Both men and women are abusers and abusees but motives probably differ and women tend to be abused more severely Several studies indicates that premarital violence sets the stage for marital violence lssues may be different Why does dating violence occur Complex issue Text discusses class of factors a Violent society b Social learning c Social factors d Lack of norms for dating couples e Level of commitment Control issues What to do if you or someone you know is involved in dating violence Talk to someone about it Establish a support network avoid isolation Is this relationship is worth salvaging If not EXIT IF IT IS Establish a noviolence contract Avoid escalating factors alcohol places or people that provoke conflict etc Monitor progress if it doesn t stop it will continue after marriage think about the future Date or Acquaintance Rape Rape Counselors of Lee Co 821 8600 or 741 0707 Statisiticsrates differ by study Study of single undergraduate females cited in your text 50 reported being pressured into some kind of unwanted sexual contact 43 reported being pressured into sexual intercourse ln Ms Magazine survey of students on 32 college campuses 14 of women surveyed were victims of rape or attempted rape 84 knew their attacker 57 happened on dates San Fran study general population 44 victim of rape or attempted rape 88 of rape victims knew their attacker College student sample 20 of males indicated that they would rape a woman if they could get away with it higher in other studies Most campus rapes occur in dorms apartments and fraternities Many are partyrelated the attacker has been drinking and knows the victim only casuaHy Rapist profile from a survey of 12600 college students in 1991 Of those who admitted raping a woman 635 were a friend or acquaintance 367 were a fraternity member 346 were other 329 were athletes 31 were strangers 1988 study of 2000 high school students in Rhode Island 23 of boys amp almost 12 of girls said that a man has the right to force sex on a woman if the couple has dated for at least 6 months Closer to home Studies here at Auburn or by Auburn faculty Barry Burkhart 12 year ago 25 of female undergrads had experienced at least one incident of forced intercourse 93 of incidents involved acquaintances 61 of men said they had sexually touched a woman against her will 15 admitted raping a woman on a date Preventing DateAcquaintance Rape Clear communication Antioch thing Help men realize the costs to the victim If it does happen report it immediately Rite of Passage and Cohabitating Relationships Benefits of Marriage Greater wealth amp assets Higher wages More frequent and better sex Overall better health Lower rates of drug amp alcohol use More involved father Higher quality parenting Benefits for Children On AVERAGE children in nuclear married families have Better school performance lower truancy and dropout rates Fewer emotional and behavioral problems Lower rates of substance abuse criminal activity and delinquent behaviors Lower rates of risky sexual behaviors and outofwedlock births less likely to experience maltreatment Married families comparatively more stable than non married families are unmarried individuals doomed of course not Nonmarital Living Arrangements Living Alone Cohabitation SameSex Couples and Other Options Decline in Marriage For probably the first time in history the majority of US women and about half of US men are living without a spouse Does this mean that family isn39t important Does it mena that people dont want to be in relationships Then what is going on Economic Changes Technological Changes Cultural Changes Other ideas Living Arrangements of Nonmarrieds Living alone Living with parents Living in groups or communally Cohabitating with partners of the same or opposite sex Parents come back to live with children Others Living Alone 14 of US households Likelihood increases with age in all racialethnic groups Living Alone Together In a relationship but each person maintains separate dwellings Transitions Living with Parents Boomerang Generation More men than women Reasons Economic reasons Entitlement Assistance raising a child Rituals and Rites of Passage Marker points that symbolize transitions and allow for celebration and creation of memories Engagement Purpose How know if successful Prenuptial celebrations Bridal showers Bachelor Parties Wedding ceremony Wedding reception Some origins Transition of Marriage Marriage is a legal contract Prepare for marriage Premarital education Premarital counseling Premarital assessment PREPARE 91 accuracy Cohabitating These relationships are relatively shortterm They end in marriage for 23 of men and 37 of women Within two years 40 of men and 23 of women in cohabitating relationships break up At the end of four years 75 break up Raising Children Doesn39t increase odds of staying together Kids often experience many changes Legal concerns Finances wills medical etc Relationship Sequence Cohabitating relationships have a median duration of 13 years They end in marriage for 23 of men and 37 of women Within two years 40 of men and 23 of women in cohabitating relationships break up by the end of four years about 75 break up Can be as devastating as divorce but less support generally exists Suggestions for coping with breakup discussed in dating apply NonMarital Cohabitation Increased Last 15 Years Variety of reasons Shortterm sexual flings Practical reasons Trial marriage Prelude to marriage Permanent alternative to marriage Fear of marriage one or more divorced Research that Probably Pertains More to Trial Marriage Reason QUALITY Several studies found lower marital satisfaction among those who cohabitated no matter how long they lived together before marriage STABILITY Some studies have found a higher divorce rate among those who cohabited May have to due with nature of those that cohabitated rather than the experience itself People Who Lived Together Were Different From Those Who Did Not Hold more liberal attitudes More sexually experienced Less committed to the institution of marriage view it more individualistically Possible Reasons Some Cohabitating Couples Divorce After Marrying Withholding committment Romantic notions of marrying and living together happily ever after Cohabitation Cohabitation part of courtship process Cohabitation reduces perceived COSTS of marriage reduces perceived BENEFITS of marriage Changes our attitudes about marriage Same Sex Couples Estimate 28 of gay men are partnered 44 of lesbians are partnered Partners often publicly declare their commitment in ceremonies Legal concerns Finances medical kinds etc Register as domestic partners Parenting Parents Sandwich Generation Taking care of children amp parents Unmarried amp Life Satisfaction Benefits A greater sense of control over their lives Flexibility Key to satisfaction including feelings of Socially attachment Connection Lecture Love Styles of Love Eros Romantic or passionate love Ludus Gameplaying love vs searching for a serious relationship Storge Companionate or friendship love focused on deepening mutual commitment respect amp common goals Pragma Practical pragmatic style of love involces rational assessment of a suitable panner Mania Obsessive love characterized by an intense lovehate relationship Agape Unselfish concern for loved one s needs Historical Perspective Plato two types upper class common bodily physical pleasure hetero or homo heavenly soulful mind homo Platonic love without sex now but ot Plato meant homosexual love sex was secondary Ovid upper class Romans sensual love was a game to get heterosexual pleasure lntrigues adulterous relations were considered optimal 12th century Andreas said to acquire love must have 1 Beautiful shape 2 ready speech 3 excellent character most important 4 wealth 5 generosity Four Stages 1 Giving of hope 2 Granting a kiss 3 Enjoying an embrace 4 Yielding the whole person Rules of Love 12th Century The rules of love are laid down neatly in the form of thirtyone statements Reproduced 17 statements to demonstrate connections with present and future Rules 1 Marriage is no real excuse for not loving someone else besides one s mate 2 He who is not jealous cannot love 3 It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing 4 That which a lover takes against the will of his beloved has no relish 5 We cannot love until the age maturity 18 boys12 girls 6 Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice 7 It is not proper to love any woman whom one would be ashamed to seek to marry such as a close relative 8 When made public love rarely endures 9 The easy attainment of love makes it of little value difficulty of attainment makes it prize 10 Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved 11 When a lover suddenly catches sight of his beloved his heart palpitates 12 Diminishing love quickly fails and rarely revives 13 Jealousy and therefore love are increased when suspects his beloved 14 He whom the thought of love vexes eats and sleeps very little 15 A slight presumption causes a lover to suspect his beloved 16 A man vexed by too much passion does not love 17 A true lover is constantly possessed by the thought of his beloved What Love Isn t Martyring Maintain the relationship by ignoring one s own legitimate needs Manipulating Seeking to control the feelings attitudes and behavior of your partner or partners Limerance Person is the object of your attention although they may hardly know you exist Love and lnfatuation both based on a need to experience an intimate emotional and tactile relation with another lnfatuation has little to do with reality the other person is idealized 2 types someone known only at a distance athlete famous person someone known and dating lnfatuation is One Aspect Love is Whole Person lnfatuation binds energy love releases energy lnfatuation comes into play in our culture because of the emphasis on romantic love we dream of love long before we get it infatuation is jumping the gun look at as training for love learn to handle emotions usually precedes is not a paired relation but can grow into love Jealousy Men more likely to deny than women men more likely to express jealousy through rage and through feeling bad Men will focus on sexual activity Women focus on emotional involvement Women will blame selves Men other partycircumstances Jealousy in response to a perceived loss real or imagined of satisfaction we ve received envy different desire to have something someone else has Normal jealousy valued relationship is threatened and is dealt with realistically Attempt to deal with creatively and productively destructive jealousy threat is imaginary or dealt with destructively pathological no society found where there is no jealousy Jealousy may be expressed inwardly as self degradation which can reap secondary rewards ex sympathy self righteousness Jealousy denied still remains and influences from the inside How Do You Deal With Jealousy Jealousy can usually not be treated in isolation takes communication by those involved every primary relationship has the power to create jealousy Limerance sets love apart from liking Sudden inexplicable overwhelming attraction and bonding to another from first crystallization love characterized by compulsive obsessive preoccupation fantasy intensity average duration 2 years varies 2 days to life Men Love More Quickly and More Romantic Why They can afford to because of their generally higher status Men less likely to marry without love want to fall in love Women take into consideration a man s status so must be initially more cautious Can t afford love without possibilities Romance and sex are often tied for men Once women are in love then they become more expressive Love is Learned in Stages Experiencing love as an infant is directly related to expressing love if love does develop then there is a transfer self love to love of others Emotional Interdependence Three types of dependence Aframe dependent relationships Hframe independent relationships Mframe interdependent relationships Mutuality of Need Fulfillment Mature Love Cross Cultural Dealing With Love Emphasis on premarital love Polynesia Europe amp America only places with full romantic love complex The rest of the world knows love but expects it to take place after marriage WHY Reason higher risk of disrupting social class 5 Ways to Control Love child marriage Tali Tying Nayars severe limits on field of eligibles royalty isolate sexes premaritally Jamaican chaperone Latin indirect parental peer pressure US Legitimate Needs vs Illegitimate Needs Legitimate Needs Being Needs based on desire to share self to enrich others and enrich our own life through relationships Illegitimate Needs Deficiency Needs based on feelings of selfdoubt inadequacy and unworthiness Theory of Love Development Rapport rests on mutual trust and respect Selfrevelation sharing intimate info Mutual dependency developing interdependence Personality need fulfillment developing emotional exchange and support PFDNT Consummate Love Intimacy Commitment Passion Intimacy involves sharing on two levels Sexual intimacy Psychic intimacy engaging in selfdisclosure Commitment Determination to develop the relationship expecting the good and the bad Passion Drives that lead to romance physicall attraction and sexual comsummation Three components develop at different times Passion is quickest to develop amp quickest to fade Intimacy develops more slowly Commitment develops gradually Love Relationships Likelihood of all needs being met in a love relationship slim This means you will likely love different people differently and that a person could indeed probably will love two or more people simultaneously Traditional love all encompassing New love not as demanding of one another This is especially important in alternate family forms A Mix of Love Types most successful couples have compassionate love but passion bridges the gap until compassion grows attainment kills passion the chase can return when arousal ex Fights romance U shaped lowest time with teens compassion loving and liking continuum with one or more intense Marriage demands a leap of faith because how can you predict 50 yrs on one year knowing What do you notice about people in love body language eye contact private space Attachment feelings of comfort or ease when other present or have access to Keeping Love Involves Recognizing the relationship s importance Having supportive communication Deciding to spend time together How Love Fades Intimacy Rate of growth levels off no longer consciously feel close Passion Habituation you get used to it dependence sense of loss is extreme Commitment depends on success of relationship diminishes as alternatives are sought Misconceptions That Limit Our Ability To Maintain Love 1 Chemistry is what matters 2 If it isn t perfect it wasn t meant to be You can t rekindle passion once love dies you can never get it back There is one true soul mate for everyone Love conquers all if a relationship is tough it means you have the wrong partner Love is a static state once you fall in love you can get on a high and stay there forever Love is a feeling and you either have it or you don t N959 What s Chemistry Got To Do With It Dopamine amp Oxytocin Dopamine naturally produced in our brains acts upon the pleasure center When people are newly in love they tend to have higher brain levels of dopamine Oxytocin The love or cuddle hormone Related to feelings of deep friendship trust sexuality love bonding and commitment Facilitates nurturing behaviors Love Languages Gary Chapman Words of Affirmation 39 Quality Time Receiving Gifts Acts of Service Physical Touch we all give and receive love but usually in different ways What does this mean for our marriages Love is a choice Lecture Rape Immediately Following The Assault Survivor s immediate reactions There are different types of emotional reactions some respondreact with expressed emotion some show anger some intellectualize the event some are shocked The survivor may not want to be left alone The survivor may become angry when the assault is mentioned by friends Do s Listen to the account without interruption Communicate acceptance and undestanding to her feelings Most beneficial responses are warmth concern caring and empathy Dont s Do not interrogate or gather details of the assault Do not argue with people in front of the survivor Do not use psychological jargon such as denial or defenses Later Awareness over a 6 week period Making poorly thoughtout major life decisions Accident prone behavior Loss of selfconfidence Changes in patterns of living Fears which begin to restrict activity Severe changes in sexual interests Suicidal ideation Plan of how to commit suicide Has the necessary means to commit suicide Has made or is in the process of making a suicide note Longer Term lssues For the Survivor Loss of Trust the loss of trust in others can isolate the survivor it is difficult to accept nurturance or give nurturance loss of trust in self and in Deity Victim feels self blame She does not need anyone to judge her She feels stigmatized She might take degrading remarks about self Perception of self as powerless Shame versus guilt Survivor feels crazy or nuts help make connections with how current behavior is related to the sexual assault the trauma of being raped makes her feel crazy Fears fear of the night fear of social gatherings fear of men generalized fear of the unknown life something negative will happen Phobic responses make psychological effects linger disturbances in thought patterns such as repeatedly reliving the assault or trying to block any memory of it after a couple of weeks women exhibit a sense of adjustment then months later are faced with severe depression Alienation from support systems may pull away from friends either emotionally or physically may being to use substances MJ alcohol meth may quit job or drop out of school separate from religion cease spiritual activities and experience anger towards God Longer Term lssues For Family and Friends Communication make attempts to communicate be an approachable listener provide a safe environment to talk not only about the rape but about how the survivor is doing avoid why questions don t join in a conspiracy of silence with the survivor Common initial reactions of significant others desire to seek revenge and intense feelings of anger are a common trap threatening revenge makes the survivor feel less secure threats and anger out off communication anger shifts attention from the survivor to the vengeful person it is common for the survivor to become the recipient of the nondirected anger Your personal anger dont act out in a violent way but don t deny the negative emotions being felt if you do have revenge fantasies speak with someone other than the survivor about your turmoil Issues that FriendsFamily need to be aware of gender differences in how rape is viewed men typically focus on the sexual aspects of rape women focus on the violence fear of death degradation and dehumanizing factors Things to remember rape is not the same as making love rape is an act of violence not an act of passion a woman is not responsible for rape myth 1 her appearance or behavior caused the assault myth 2 failure to resist the attack means she gave consent Physical Functioning Immediately Following the Assault Many survivors will want to shower or bathe Vomiting is a common reaction to rape Medical attention is needed Check for venereal disease Feeling sore either all over the body or in specific parts Possible Physical Symptomatology Loss of appetite Sleep problems such as nightmares and insomnia Headaches Edginess anxiety Rape and STD S a blood sample immediately following the rape is helpful for establishing a baseline a 46 week follow up visit is necessary for accurate STD testing it will be 6 weeks before syphilis can be tested Be aware of vaginal itching feels like a yeast infection painful urination or bowel movements abnormal vaginal discharge redness or itching in the genital or anal areas abnormal bleeding or bleeding after intercourse severe or chronic diarrhea tenderness in pelvic area while running or exercising chills fever or malaise tired achy feeling Sexual Functioning Sexual Issues For Survivor It is often the first sexual encounter 13 of women Apprehensions about sexual functioning and fear of future intimacy One area in which she can begin to regain a sense of control in her life However may jump to sexual intercourse too soon to prove she is not affected Sexual lssues For Partner Nongenital intimacy is important Partner may jump to sexual intercourse too soon to prove she is not affected Communicate about aspects of couple s sexual relationship what sexual activities should cease for a while what sexual activities should be increased it is a time to reevaluate the positive and negative aspects of the sexual relationship Flashbacks often reported upon renewal of sexual intercourse need to be aware of cues that remind her of the rape experience need to work together so as not to be too tentative or too aggressive
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