INTERPERSNL COMMNCTN CMST 2010
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Date Created: 10/13/15
Exam 1 Study Guide Lecture 1 amp2 Definingf 39 39 and39 quot 39 39 quot Characteristics of Human Communication human creative collective Human communication is between 2 people Creative only PEOPLE develop and create language Collective communication involves other people Regulatory use words to control surroundings to meet needs Laswell s Model ASKED WHOsaid it WHATwas said WHOreceived it WHEREwas method transmitted HOWwas it effective Linear Model questions it asks and how it viewed communication what did Shannon amp Weaver add Focuses on how people talk to one another Shannon and Weaver Added idea of NOISE the idea that there are times when things interfere with message transmission 4 Types of Noise 1 physical environmental external TV yelling etc physiological internal hungry tired psychological mental bad mood emotions semantic words language symbols 9 don t have meaningno understanding foreign language Interactive Model what it added and how it viewed communication Linear model becomes a PROCESSfeedback is added a includes steps communication is continuous does not start and stop Encodingdecoding 9 use of symbols language or nonverbal symbols a can result in misunderstanding or comprehension Field of Experience setting context 9 communication happens within set of circumstances Transactional Model know the key features ofthe model To communicate effectively we must have overlap of past experiences to have shared field of experiences Process and transactional send and receive messages simultaneously Time many multiple times we speak with someone process De nition of theory Theory helps us predict and explain why Predict how people communicate Explain why they communicate that way t lYou amp Thou communication Buber s Theory llt occurs in dyad not personal level of communication treat person as an object Ex Drivethru conversation lYou majority of communication type of communication we use to build relationships Thou special communication we don t have this with everyone RARE very few reach this Ex Hopes dreams etc Characteristics of interpersonal relationships awareness coordinated interaction analyzeevaluate develop relationships Awareness both parties are aware of the other with use of verbal or nonverbal communication Coordinated Activity both parties must be involved and work at relationship Analyze and Evaluate understand relationships Communication Competence ability to communicate effectively and be socially acceptable knowing how and when to communicate PP De ne communication competence amp types how does competence relate to interpersonal relationships 5 Types Message can you put together an effective message Take into account who you are talking to Interpretive size up what s going on the people etc Interpret surroundings to create effective message Role what role is person in how do we communicate with them Ex Talking to grandmother vs talking to best friend Self Confidence ability to present self in positive light confident way Goal ability to get what we need for communication create message to get what you need if you re going to be effective in communication you must be competent Lecture 3 amp 4 Perception and the Self Concept Why is perception important Perception frame of reference gathered field of experience gives us stability 3 things perception does 1 act of process actively adapting changing 2 works inductively goes through tiny examples to reach grand conclusion 3 unconscious process we do this automatically we need shortcut to determine if we want to start relationship Selection attention exposure Selection attention brain only wants to focus on one thing Selective exposure stuff we like really influences what we are attentive to Organization prototypes constructs stereotypes scripts we look for patterns to help us understand our surroundings find similaritiesdifferences take experience find it useful schemas organizational patterns we use in the perception process 4 types 1 prototypes simple category system ex Boygirl blondebrunette a personpersonal help define person physical characteristics b relational relationship categories ex Friendacquaintance c event help us size upunderstand situation surroundings ex somber affair vs fun affair 2 personal constructs prototypes with a judgement a physical dressed looks etc b roles behaviors c interactions how people communicate d physiological moodemotions 3 stereotypes prototypes that predict 4 scripts help us understand events a episodes how we respond to events 39 open we don t know expected response llHow d you like the moviequot closed communication experiences where there is an expected response llHey how are youquot defined expect to be closed but they end up being open Interpretation Attribution Attribution theory figure out why understand situation why does someone communicate the way they do NegotiationRetreiving assimilation and accommodation Incorporate communication experience back into perception fluid ever changing 9 gives perception stability Assimilate alter the way we remember what happens so it fits our perceptions Accommodate change view of person and your perception In uences on perception Media gender culture technology De ne self concept and the 3 types Self concept how we viewdefine ourselves 3 ways 1 material physical attributes height eyes hair etc 2 social relationships Am la mother sister friend etc 3 spiritual overarching beliefs of self attitudes nice trustworthy cool etc In uences on selfawareness selfesteem and selfful lling prophecy see chapter 2 How you view yourself your worth if you believe you can do something you re more willing to do it How is self concept different from personality self concept is the OPINION we have of ourselves vs personality the genetic dispositiontraits we re born with Mead s ideas about self concept Symbolic interactionism we develop self concept thru communication with others we communicate with 2 groups Particular other people of significance ex family friends etc Generalized other society at large Particular Other 4 parts and how they work to help build self concept 1 Direct Definition when PO creates labels for us specificexpressed communicated labels ex smart girl bad boy 2 Reflective appraisal looking glass self imagine how others see you 3 Identity scripts associated with roles 4 Attachment styles the care giving we receive influences our self concept Self Concept Care Secure AnxiousAmbivalent Dismissive Fearful Generalized Other know parts and how it is used to build self concept Look at groups and do social comparison how we communicate with certain groups Identity Management Self Monitoring and self handicapping Self monitoring look at self concept and know who we are and look at situation and communicate in best way possibleeffectively high people that communicate effectively in situation act somber at funeral low understand self concept and situation is true to themselves behave appropriately to self concept over the situation self handicapping make excuses for self to present self in positive life Lecture 5 Self Disclosure Intimacy Without intimacy its hard to have a relationship The more intimacy we have the more we disclose Public vs private to who and what we disclose the more private the more we tell the more public the less we disclose Trust trusting trustworthy and failed trust Trust to self disclose effectively you must have certain level trust 9 perception of person s character 9 decision making process 1 Trusting behavior what you do when you want to self disclose a Person listening can act helpfully or harmfully b The way the person acts is up to them we have no control over their reaction c We believe this person will beneficial to us 2 Trustworthy behavior how we behave when someone self discloses to us a motivational preferences be aware of what person want us to do b recognize person has confidence in me c behave in expected way In uences on trust Gossiping lying technology etc Johari Window Differs with each relationship compares what s known to you with what s known to other people about yourself Look at feedback 4 windows open known to us and others unknown what others and us don t know blind known to others but not to us Social Penatration Theory Understand disclosure within a relationship Breadth topics of conversation Depth level of intimacy close to the core the more personalserious communication is every relationship is different Powell39s levels of communication Tries to understand how much amounts of self disclosure is going on in each conversation 5 levels 5 clich communication no disclosure everyday communication 4 facts and biography no opinionattitudes basic facts about self 3 attitudes and personal ideas little self disclosure sharing basic opinionsattitudes 2 personal feelings more intimacy share emotions 1 peak communication most intimate most disclosure secrets hopes dreams CMST 2010 Exam 3 Study Guide WE Types of relationships choice and circumstance Relationships of choice 0 We see this person and something makes them attractive to us and we choose to start that relationship 0 You can have shortterm attraction Physical appearance and looks wont motivate us forever 0 Long term attraction is when there ends up being more than just looks You can look across the room and see the hottest person on earth and still NOT walk over there and start a relationship 0 Relationship of circumstance 0 Your put in a situation that makes you be friends EX Your mothers best friend has a kid and your always with them so you end up being friends Types of attraction long and short term and types from the book Physical attraction o This varies from person to person AND it also varies culture to culture 0 It can be a strong motivator It is the strongest motivator but is normally a shorter term attraction Social attraction 0 There is normally something about this person that makes you want to hang out with them More of humor kindness good friend quality instead of looks o It gets called the three C s Competence Credibility Charisma Task attraction 0 Sometimes gets called goal attraction Sometimes its called relational potential It is the idea that this person can meet our needs 0 EX If we want to go to a party and we know they got invited so we hang out with them to ride along Something we need them just to listen to us Sometimes its physical Proximity attraction 0 Deal with that we attend to be attracted to people that are physical close to us We see the people all the time 0 Were friends with our neighbors because they are around us every dayit makes it easy to start a relationship Similarities attraction 0 We do tend to build relationships with people that we have things in common with EX If two people are studying accounting and have similar opinions or attitudes People on the same team 0 It normally starts out as a short term and turns in to long term Opposite attraction o Opposites don t attract just because they are completely opposite What happens with opposites is we look at them as complimentary EX Someone who is introverted can be attracted to an extrovert because they would like to be like that person 0 Someone is different than us but we gain things out of it ReciprocatingLiking attraction o This just means that we like people who like us If someone thinks of us in a positive way then we tend to want to be around that person Define friendships Friendships are unique situations voluntary relationships of choice You don t need anything legal or anything to bond you with someone Stages of friendship Our communication is going to be different at each stage of the relationship The more we communicate with someone well start to develop habits and self disclosure and what not Important because 0 If we can look at and understand what stage we are in than we can know how we should communicate EX If we just met someone and understand its an earlier stage than we know we shouldn t talk about a struggle that we experienced and was embarrassed 0 We can know if there is a problem pending where we are in the relationship and can fix it before it ends FRIENDSHIP STAGES These are first relationships of choice They are important because these are what we use to practice relationship building and maintain FIRST STAGE IS ROLE LIMITED INTERACTION No selfdisclosure Typically is just the hey how are you my name is At this point you are still strangers You don t know if you have anything in common Is the basic polite small talk you have at a party SECOND STAGE IS FRIENDLY RELATIONS This is when we start to look for things in common Where are you from What are you studying Or you know my brother s girlfriend s sister MOVING TOWARD RELATINSHIP Telling more about you You start to find times to meet EX You talk with coworkers all day at work This one coworker you have a lot in common with You start to go out with this person after work NASCENT FREINDSHIP This is the point of where we consider ourselves really in our friendship We start making plans in our lives around this person Carving out times of our lives to spend time with this person You communication will almost start to sound alike STABALIZING FRIENDSHIP n In stabilizing friendship is to the point that they are basically a friend for life We talk about this person as being our friend Its like saying my best friend isAnd you become inseparable Not every relationship you start will not make it all the way to nascent friendship Even if they do make it all the way to nascent friendship it doesn t happen over night Making it all the way to nascent takes a lot of work Friendships can jump You can have a nascent friendship and not talk to someone and it will go back to friendly relations but then sometimes you can have a nascent friendship and then not talk for months and then pick up the phone and still have a nascent friendship Things that make friendships wane WANING FRIENDSHIP They talk about several stages of coming together Waning is the idea that the friends grow apart o Friendships wane for different reasons Sometimes they just drift apart and you just don t see them as often Sometimes those relationships become predictable or boring If trust is broken that too can cause a problem Competing demands Sometimes life throws us challenges and those life challenges become more important than our friendships o EX If your father becomes sick that becomes more important and you ll be to busy to talk or see them o Personal changes influences friendships Your going to graduate from LSU and get a big job and your going to leave behind friends that are still in college o Geographic distance is another one When you don t have to opportunity to run into that person anymore Sexual attraction can also change the relationships You cant like a friend and them not like you back and expect everyone to stay the same Terminating and Romance Dimension of romantic relationships passion commitment love intimacy PASSION o Is an incredibly positive feeling that you have towards the other person You can be passionate about someone in a sexual emotional or sexual way Something that gets us excited COMMITMENT 0 Every goal in a romantic relationship is that you see a future with this person Its all or nothing LOVE 0 Is nothing more than you really reallyreally like someone The definition cant describe it it is something you have to experience yourself 0 Because love is such a big deal there are different types of love in romantic relationships Styles of love primary and secondary PRIMARY LOVE EROS o Is a very passionate form of love Love at first sight It is a very passionate and powerful and is sometimes known to erotic o This form of love is normally to be short lived LUDUS o This is considered playful love We think of this as flirting with them It is not as strong and powerful as eros but your just seeing what happens with this This is kind of a game and something to have fun with it STORGE o Is comfortable love It is love that is love that is just always there It is a love that we have come to expect and is always there in our relationship It is not very passionate but it is always there SECONDAY LOVE PRAGMA 0 this is a combination between ludus and storge This is that we are allowed to play around with love until we meet that person and want to just settle down You see this when someone has certain requirements in a partner MANIA o This is a combination or eros and ludus Mania is playful but very passionate love This isn t love that we would necessarily take serious Its that spring break kind of love You have a very passionate affair for several days and then you get on a plane and leave It tends to burn out very fast It s not a love that is not very serious but is very passionate and exotic IGAPE o A parent s love for a child This is a combination because eros and stroge We experience different kinds of love Based on the different types of relationships we have different types of love The love we feel for somebody changes over time as the relationship changes And sometimes the passion dies and then it starts back up Love doesn t seem to be a problem for relationships unless the peoples feeling of love are dramatically different kinds of love You have to have to same feelings of love Parts of romance growth DEVELOPMENT OF ROMANTIC RELATHIONSHIPS o Individuals o Invitationalcommunication 0 Environmental spoiling An attraction that leads us to realize us that we realize someone isn t who you thought they were Someone looks good but then they open they re mouth is what turns you away o Exploration communication 0 The attractiveness is still there but we are trying to see if there is anything to build a relationship off of o Intensifying communication 0 We start to talk about ourselves as a couple We start to say we and us We also start to use our own language such as nicknames or silly saying we only say to each other o Commitment 0 This is something similar to bonding This is the ultimate goal This is a public display that says we are planning on spending the rest of our life with this person Parts of romance navigation NAVIGATION o You have to keep working on it You have to keepputting investments in over time RELATIONSHIP CULTURE o All relationships will develops there own little culture Maybe you talked about it and said that you will never go to bed angry PLACE MAKING o Is creating space for this person in our lives It can be physical space in that I cleaned out a drawer for you in my apartment for you or leaving pictures out or whom are we spending Christmas with EVERYDAY INTERACTION 0 We have to find a way to interact with this person everyday Parts of romance deterioration DYADIC BREAKDOWN o The idea that we know a change in the communication Someone violates a rule If he doesn t make your coffee in the morning and you wonder whats going on If they don t talk to you for a day were noticing a change in the communication INTRAPSYCHICH PHASE 0 We start to think about the changes in the relationships Why did they go to the movies and not include Why didn t he tell me he was going out with his friends Were not really talking to anyone about it but were starting to consider the trouble in our relationships in our own minds DYADIC PHASE 0 At this phase we start to communicate what we ve been noticing and thinking with out partner about what s going on Asking your partner why he didn t make you coffee in the morning is either cause he s mad or we were just out of milk SOCIAL SUPPORT o This is where we seek out other individuals We get advice In our romantic relationships this is a big deal especially if you have a marriage involved At this point we re letting others in our lives know what s going on GRAVE DRESSINGS o The idea that we know at this point that our relationship is over When we know our romantic relationship is over we mourn There s no way to replace it with a different one since all relationships are different Its one thing for a break up but extreme other if its divorced This can last hour s days or even years It all depends on the investment of the romantic partner Ending a relationship Identify problem strategies to repair ways to dissolve Unilateral indirectdirect 8 Bilateral indirectdirect ID THE PROBLEM Sometimes you have a withdrawal and someone isn t putting in as much effort You can have negative communication name calling Other times there s a lack of openness or intimacy In our romantic relationships we could have sexual incompatibility There could be an independence problem where one person wants time to himself or herself Social networks can cause problems in a relationship If your group of friends doesn t get along with your other friends then you ll have to have problems and make a decision Chronic dissatisfaction is the idea that over a long period of time there is one thing after another that has made us unsatisfied with the relationship Money issues If you re married Substance abuse Alcohol or drug related addictions Is this something that you can work and fix to make it work or is this a big enough problem that I can t make this work Normally this is a bigger problem with friendships because well work for romantic partners ID STRATEGIES If you want to keep this relationship you will find ways to fix it Marriage counseling for marriages You have to be willing to acknowledge and listen to the problems that the relationship partner is feeling as well DECIDE TO ENDDISSOLVE Sometimes you skip the middle step and go right to ending the relationships There are different ways to dissolve a relationship called UNILATERAL INDIRECT These things can be 0 avoiding Relational ruse Withdrawal of supportive communication Withdrawal of affection psuedodeascalation I need time apart but never plan on getting back together 0 Cost escalation really bring out the bad behavior and do awful things to look unattractive to the other person These things tend to be what makes the other person to not be able to cope or understand Not very good 0000 UNILATERAL DIRECT Direct dump I don t want to be your friend anymore Dates with other people Justification Threats and bullying Positive tone It would be better to end the relationship now instead of it getting worse and worse and we end up hating each other Deescalation is when we say we need to take some times apart You really are taking some time apart and trying to work on the relationship but this isn t a trick they really do plan on coming back BI LATERAL INDIRECT Both people are involved with ending the relationship but indirectly This is when you just fade away from each other You haven t had a strong discussion about not being friends but just both fade away BI LATERAL DIRECT METHODS When both people are talking about it and end the relationship This is normally the blame game They start blaming each other on the problems in the relationship It s a problematic but its an effective way The last one is a negotiated farewell This is when we come together that we need to end this relationship and lets figure out how were going to do this This will happen a lot with divorced people They will come together and split the assets and how they will see the kids and stuff Deception Definition types ways to deceive and motives One person intending to leave another person doing so deliberately without prior notification or without being asked to do so TYPES BENEVOLENT 0 Asking If someone likes your haircut and they say yes cause they don t want to hurt your feeling MALICIOUS 0 Have a cruel intent You ve been cheating on your girlfriend when you say you ve been in the library all night WAYS o Concealing 0 Deals with concealing information Not telling the full truth Your cheating on your boyfriend and he asked where you were and you omit some of where you were o Falsifying o Is when you lie about information o Understatement When someone asks why you were talking to that guy and you just say oh nothing he just wanted to buy me a drink 0 EXAGGERATION Omg I was in line for hours at wal mart and then I got on the interstate and there was wreck but you never really did do any of that EQUIVOCATION When we use an indirect or ambiguous statements Do you like my new haircut And you just say oh yeah it s the latest style What did you do last night and you just say oh not much 0 MOTIVES Partner focused lying c We lie as a way to protect our partner Our motivation is to not hurt this persons feeling Self focused lying c We want to protect ourselves Maybe we ve done something wrong Someone spilled something all over the ground and all the kids said I didn t do that Relationship focused lying c We lie because we want to protect our relationship We don t tell someone about our slight indisgression because we don t want to loose our partner How to detect deception and how it relates to nonverbal o Someone who is anxious nervous fearful OR lying because they all give off the same nonverbal The more we know someone the less we can tell if they are lying because we trust them more Although we start to know peoples tells In general we can tell lies from strangers because we are less trustworthy of them Verbal deception detection strategies There are verbal strategies that we can use to determine if someone is lying Intimidation You can intimidate someone to tell the truth Discomfort and relief Bluffing Pretending that you know the truth when you really don t Gentle prods Gentle prods is where you use a series of questions to talk them through every detail of the story Not accusatory but gentle questions to get them to slip on detail Minimization Were allowing the other people to be okay LookI know yourembarrassed about not telling me the truth but it ll be okay Contradiction Well I know that s true I know you weren t home at eight because I called and no one answered and Kelly said you weren t here Altered information is when your given information that may or may not be truthful Pointing out deceptive cues Why can t you look me in the eye and tell me that Concerns Were telling the other person that I m really worried about you because you seem to be lying all the time Direct approach I think your lying just tell me the truth Silence If someone is lying and he or she get anxious and nervous and if you sit back and don t say anything they will start talking and filling that empty space and they ll start telling the whole story There is no absolute way to detect deception but we can use these verbal strategies to figure out if they are lying Deception is problematic in relationship It can cause damage and hurtful You are risking your relationship Ari s Lecture Interpersonal Violence Theories of Gender Development Psychodynamic Social Learning Cognitive Development Symbolic lnteractionism Performance Sex and gender are two different things Sex is male and female and gender is masculine and feminine PSYCHODYNAMIC THEORY from our early relationships affect our gender We internalize how other people treat us and we take that When people tell a baby boy that he sgoing to be a strong man everyday he sgoing to think he needs to be a strong man SOCIAL LEARNING THEORY suggests that we imitate what other people do We either get rewards or punishments for it When you get in trouble when you get in trouble for playing with dolls You do something you get in trouble for it and you don t do it anymore COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT the child as a little but more of a say then how they will behave The child picks a role model and then tries to act like that person SYMBOLIC INTERACTION there are number ways of being masculine and feminine You choose your role and then you play it PERFORMANCE this says that we have no gender what so ever We make this shiz up Ari s new walk Intimate Partner Violence Why do people stay in violent relationships o Occurs when there is physical verbal emotional financial ect abuse forced over another in a relationship A lot of these go unreported but at least 2050 of women will see this in their life It tends to be masculine to feminine When the feminine person commits violence it is normally a form of selfdefense o In these relationships there is often what is called a cycle of abuse This tends to be the way violence happens in the relationship 0 TENSION 9 EXPLOSION 9 REMORSE 9 HONEY MOON PERIOD 9 then back to tension and it repeats o People don t leave these relationships because they are scared that a more violent act will come of it o Other people don t leave because everyone says that your supposed to be with this person so if you leave the person then you failed your relationships o Community leaders often tell people that they should stay and work it out Mainly religious reasons even if it is for the good of the family or even the good of the community Gender Intimidation GENDER INTIMIDATION is when a member of one sex feels scared or whatever from the member of another sex catcalling and sexual harassment are both examples Informed Consent o SEXUAL ASSULT if one of the following is not there then its considered sexual assault If any of these are in play you can sue o Consent it has to be consents 0 They have to be mentally sound 0 They have to have unimpaired judgment Rape Culture o Rape script is why the majority of rapes don t get blamed The victim will feel like it didn t match a rape script Chapter 8 Role of Comm in relationships relationships defined nature of relationships when to make first move Immediately most people think of a relationship as involving romance However we are all involved in a number of different types of relationships Relationships is a connection between two individuals that results in a mutual interaction with the intent on achieving shared meaning Three categories often used to describe the nature of a relationship include references to duration context and roles Duration references are use to describe the length of time we have know the other person Context or setting in which the relationships was initiated friend from school my roommate ect by making reference to the relationships context clues are offered with regard to the rules or expectations for communication For example teammates have an understanding of the attitude people have on game day is different then the every day attitude they normally have References to a person s role may be used to describe the nature of the relationships such as a mother daughter teacher By making references to ourrelationship in terms of duration context or roles we let others know what our initial expectations are for communication The four primary reasons we establish relationships with others are attraction proximity similarity and purpose Attraction physical social attractiveness task attractiveness proximity similarity goals Interpersonal attraction refers to a general feeling or desire that impacts our decision to approach and initiate a relationship with another person The dimension of attractiveness most often used in deciding whether to pursue a relationship is physical attractiveness When characteristics such as body shape or size hair color or length and facial features are used in making a determination of whether to initiate a relationship this dimension is referred to as physical attractiveness quotBeauty is in the eye of the beholder addresses the perceptual nature of physical attraction Our perception causes us to view physical characteristics in unique ways Age and attractiveness Beginning at a very young age we are taught that physical attractiveness is often rewarded or valued Pretty people are displayed as being the good characters while the ugly characters are always the evil ones Young girls for example associate Barbie with being pretty and being pretty is associated with having more friends and receiving more attention not to mention a host of other rewards cool clothes cars beach houses and a quotcoolquot life style People under the age of thirty have been rated more physically attractive than people over the age of fifty When asked men to rate women they rated the younger ones higher unlike women who rated older men higher Gender and attractiveness When women are applying for head positions being physically attractive is normally a negative The same is true for people who run for political office The opposite is true for men in both of these cases however Regardless of whether the relationships is heterosexual or homosexual one physical attraction plays a significant role in one s choice of a relationship partner Culture and attractiveness Culture is an influential factor in our perception of physical attraction Perception of physical attractiveness can differ across ethnic groups A curvier women may be considered unattractive in Caucasian women but African American women may not agree As we cross cultural boundaries it becomes apparent that there are universal perceptions of beauty as well Social attractiveness can be defined as common interests or similar patterns of communication that cause individuals to perceive one another as someone that would like to spend time with While physical attraction has a substantial impact on our decision to initiate with others social attraction is equally important Impression management is defined as the processes of maintaining a positive image of self in the presence of others first dates interviews Selfmonitoring refers to a personality construct that causes a person to respond to social and interpersonal cues for appropriate communication behaviors in a variety of situations High selfmonitors think carefully about what they will say to not break any social barriers while low selfmonitors will say whatever is on their mind Task attractiveness refers to the characteristics or qualities that are perceived a appealing s when initiating relationships in which the goal is to complete a task or assignment When picking someone to go a project with do you pick the most attractive or the most intelligent person Proximity refers to the physical distance between two people So why is proximity such a strong predictor or interpersonal attraction One explanation may be found in the decreased effort that is required to establish relationships with those who are close in distance SimilarityHomophily We tend to seek out relationships with those who have common interests backgrounds and goals and who are similar in appearance Our similarity with others can be categorized based on demographic background or attitude commonalities Demographic similarity is based on physical and social characteristics that are easily identifiable same gender or age Background demographics refer to commonalities that we share as a result of our life experiences attending the same summer camp Attitude similarity focuses on our perception of the attitudes and beliefs and values that we hold in common people who like the same music movies or sports Klohen and Luo identify four dimensions of similarity that individuals consider in initial attraction These include similarity to current self complementarity attachment security and idealself similarity Similarity to current self refers to the belief that individuals are attracted to those who are similar to them Some people think having friends with the same sense of humor is important while others think the same intelligence level is more important The complementarity hypothesis explains the saying quotopposites attract lt predicts that people will be more attracted to those whose personality characteristics complement their own Attachment security predicts that individuals will be most attracted to those who are secure Finally some individuals are most attracted to those whom they perceive to be similar to the ideal view of self Those who are similar to our view of how we would ultimately like to be are rated more favorably When we attempt to portray ourselves as being more similar to the other person than we really are simply to appear more attractive we run the risk of encountering a relationships pitfall known as false homophily Homophily refers to the presentation of deception image of self that appears to be more similar that it actually is A fourth reason people choose to initiaterelationships with others is to fulfill a purpose or goal Goal has been defined as desired end states toward which persons strive There are two primary goals social and task Social goals refer to desired end states that fulfill the need for inclusion or affection Task goals are defined as desired end states that fulfill the need for the completion of a task You meet with your barber to get the task of getting your haircut How we initiate relationships conversation social penetration uncertainty reduction predicted outcome value liking social exchange theory To identify commonalities we must first initiate a conversation During the early stages of relationship formation partners will often selfdisclose information in an effort to increase intimacy Selfdisclosure is the process of revealing personal information about oneself to another Selfdisclosing is essential to relationship success and stability because it helps others learn who we are and what we want in a relationship As a general rule reciprocal self disclosure the notion that disclosure of information between two people is the best when it is similar in terms of topics discussed and depth of disclosure Social penetration theory created to address how information is exchanged during relationships development This theory focuses on how selfdisclosure changes as relationships move from one level to the next In essence their theory explains how and why we move from superficial topics of conversation in the initial stages of relationships to more intimate conversations as the relationships progresses There are three primary levels of information that we reveal as we progress These include superficial personal and intimate As the relationship intensifies a layer of the onion is peeled away and more personal information is revealed like shrek Uncertainty reduction theory identifies questions as a primary communication strategy used for encouraging reciprocal disclosure and reducing levels of uncertainty Predicted outcome value theory focuses on the perceived rewards or benefits associated with the new relationship There is a shift from focusing on the need for more information about the other person to an analysis of the value obtained from the relationship The more we know about a person the greater the possibility that we will like one another Liking is defined as the level of positive effect or affinity we feel towards another person A critical factor in deciding to initiate a relationship is reciprocal liking Social exchange theory refers to an assessment of costs and rewards in determining the value of pursuing or continuing a relationship Knapp s stages of development initiation experimenting intensifying integrating bonding The process of progressing from one stage of a relationship to another Mark Knapp proposes a staircase model depicting the interactive stages of relationships development and dissolution The five steps of the modelis known as coming together lnitiation occurs when one party decides to initiate conversation with another person Statements such as quothow are you and such that are used to break the ice During this phase impression management is essential Experimenting phase is when the communication involves excessive questions and discussions Social attraction is discovered during the experimenting phase Uncertainty reduction is the primary goal of this stage of relationship development lntensifying stage of the staircase model our disclosure with one another increases in depth During this phase information shared becomes more personal and private Using nicknames tends to come out during this stage as well Using things such as we and us when talking The integrating stage is marked by merging of personalities and identities Not only do the partners see themselves as a couple but others recognize and refer to them as a unit as well Exchanging clothing taking couple pictures and rings that can be worn or displayed come into this stage Bonding is the final stage of coming together and is viewed as a formal contractual agreement that declares to the world that the couple has made a serious commitment to one another Getting engaged or exchanging class rings or getting married would be in this stage Contexts technology culture When are approached every ten to twenty minutes in singles bars but the conversations if there are any only last about seven seconds On the other hand gay bars tend to be the major place that people initiate relationships due to the similar sexualpreferences while lesbians like to meet at political functions or lesbian rallies In essence online relationship could be considered a test drive When initiating a relationship text messaging serves as a safe channel for reducing uncertainty and gaining information about the other person before meeting face to face Chapter 9 Deception why we lie good reasons to lie detecting deception The dark side of communication is defined as quotan integrative metaphor for a certain perspective toward the study of human folly frailty and fallibility People can and do lie deceive abuse power and cheat in all types of relationships Deception is defined as quota message knowingly transmitted by a sender to foster a false belief or conclusion by a receiver Why do we lie When asked most people suggest they lie to make themselves feel more admirable There are three types of lies people tell lies to harm others protect self and spare others Lying to harm others is often the most damaging type of lie in interpersonal relationships These types of lies are done to intentionally hurt others by distorting information fabricating stories or deliberately omitting important information The best example of this would be political campaign ads that are about the opponents Lying to protect you is a type of lie to make oneself look good This can be accomplished by exaggerating praise andor omitting weakness Lying about how many sexual partners is a big one Sometimes we lie in order to spare or protect others from the truth This is the most common type of lie Sometimes we just want to avoid hurting people s feelings or damaging someone s self esteem Good Reasons to Lie While the definition of deception indicates that a source intentionally designs the message with the goal of instilling a false belief in the receiver it is important to take a step back and consider the potential benefits of deception in relationships Strategies that enhance escalate repair and improve relationships can be considered positive relational deceptive strategies In other words we are motivated to deceive to preserve the relationship to avoid hurting the other person s feelings to avoid a conflict or even to protect a third party Detecting deception third party information being revealed by a person outside the relationship When a kid says he sleeping at a friends house and the mom ends up calling the friends parents and finds out Physical evidence Example would be finding panties that aren t yours in your husband s pocket Confessions Confessions made by the deceiver Solicited confessions are often offered as the result of direct questioning or confrontation Most times people make an unsolicited confession They forget what lie they told and accidently end up telling you the truth Embarrassment role responding If we perceive that our selfesteem has been threatened or if we have presented what we perceive to be a negative view of the self to others embarrassment occurs Embarrassment emerges as the result of three factors that occur in social interactions First misrepresentation or cognitive shortcomings may cause us to feel embarrassed Calling someone by the wrong name would be an example Losing confidence in our role or ability in a social situation can also cause us to experience discomfort Finally a loss of dignity or composure can cause us to become red faced Three roles that exist in embarrassing social situations agent recipient and observer As an agent we are responsible for our own embarrassment perhaps by accidentally swearing in front of your grandparents In other situations we are the recipients or targets of embarrassingcommunication For example your best friend reveals who your secrets crush it You could also be an observer also called a bystander of another person s embarrassment Three primary types of messages individuals use in response to embarrassing encounters These include accounts apologies and jokes Accounts provide a potential explanation for the cause of the embarrassing situation Say you forgot an important project for a class you explain to the teacher your situation Apologies are attempts to identify the source of blame for the incident These responses are made with the hope that your friend will forgive you Jokinginvolves using humor to create a more lighthearted response to a situation Everyone experiences discomfort at one time or another Jealousy types why occurs characteristics gender coping Jealousy has been defined as quota protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship arising from a situation in which the partner s involvement with an activity andor another person is contrary to the jealous person s definition of their relationship Six different types ofjealousy three that are experiences as a result of the type of the relationship and three that are based on the issues experiences between partners The first two types friend jealousy and familyjealousy are typically the result of an individualsrelationship with another friend or family member In these two we often see this as someone quottakingquot the person away from us Romanticjealousy is also the result of a partner s relationship with another person and is associated with perceived intimacy between two people Powerjealousy is often associated with perceptions that a partners other relationships or obligations are viewed as more important than your relationship with the person Activityjealousy emerges when our relational partner dedicates time to various hobbies or interests lntimacyjealousy is the result of the exchange of intimate or private information that a partner may share with a third party People evoke or suppress feelings ofjealousy to obtain a variety of goals or objectives Maintain the primary relationship is one goal They will often compare themselves to a rival and try to appear more rewarding to their partners This is also referred to as compensatory restoration Preserving ones selfesteem is another goal is concerned with maintaining one s pride and with feeling good about oneself The more an individual is focused on preserving his or her selfesteem the more likely he or she is to avoid or deny jealous situations Reducing uncertainty about the relationship is to reduce uncertainty about the relationship The purpose of this type ofjealousy is to help an individual learn where one stands in the relationship predict the relationship and understand how the other partner perceives the relationship Reducing uncertainty about a rival relationship This jealousy goal determines the threat of the competition or how serious the rival relationship is Reasses the relationship is questioning the status of the relationship Use jealousy in an attempt to re assess the relationship Comparing the cost with the benefits associated with the relationship Restoring equity through retaliation Evoking this type ofjealousy response is to show the partner what is like to experience negative emotions and to hurt the person to retribution for something the partner has done No significant differences between males and females when it comes to jealousy with regard to the frequency duration or intensity ofjealousy The only thing that has shown is that they do experience jealousy for different reasons Makes are more likely to become jealous as a result of sexual infidelity whereas females become more jealous over emotional infidelity The way people initially express feelings ofjealousy to a partner will ultimately influence how the partner responds Expressing your feelings openly and directly with your partner and appearing hurt by the threat produces positive emotional and behavior outcomes Interpersonal power types relationship between power and influence Potential implications of power in relationships and explore power s relationship to verbal aggression and violence Power can be defined as one s ability to influence others to behave in ways they normally might not There are five types of power that individuals typically use when they are attempting to influence others Reward power is based on a person s perception that the source of power can provide rewards Coercive power focuses on the perceived ability of the source to punch or to enact negative consequences Legitimate power is centered on the perception that the source has authority because of a particular role that she plays in the relationship or a title that she holds Referent power is based on a persons respect and attraction to the source Expert power is grounded in the perception that the source possesses knowledge expertise or skill sin a particular area Propose that it is the perception of the receiver of the message that is the key to analyzing power It is important to consider the receivers perception of the source to predict future interactions If you do not perceive your relational partner as having the power then it is unlikely that you would comply with any requests he or she makes Threats and coercive behavior typically breed resentment and result in higher levels of resistance To better understand the impact of power in our decision of whether to comply with requests made in our interpersonal relationships we look at the three levels of influence that can be achieved These include compliance identification and internalization Compliance occurs when an individual agrees to a request because he can see a potential reward or punishment for doing so If a person decides to complywith an influence attempt because she recognizes the potential benefits of doing so or perhaps she whishes to establish a relationship with the source then identification has occurred lnternalization is employed when an individual adopts a behavior because it is internally rewarding In other words it feels like the right thing to do Power is the potential to influence another s behavior whereas dominance is mechanism typically associated with attempts to express power and take control in a relationship Verbal aggression Attempts to gain influence over others are often made in one of two ways First rational arguments can be presented for why compliance should occur A second strategy is to attack the other person s self esteem or character Argumentativeness refers to the extent to which an individual challenges a position or issue When a request is addressed with a response that attacks the selfconfidence character andor intelligence of another person verbal aggressiveness is being used Four levels of aggression that are experienced in our interpersonal encounters yelling crying refusing to talk or stomping out of the room characterizes Low aggression Moderate aggression involved more intense acts of verbal aggression such as verbal insults swearing at the other and indirect physical displays of anger such as kicking hitting ect High aggression refers to intensive face threatening and verbal belittling and direct physical contact with the other person in the forms of slapping shoving or pushing Severe aggression includes intense verbal abuse and threats and involves physical attacks that include kicking biting hitting with an abject raping and using a weapon Obsessive relational intrusion Obsessive relational intrusion is defined as the quotrepeated and unwanted pursuit and invasion of one s sense of physical or symbolic privacy by another person either stranger or acquaintance who desires and or presumes an intimate relationship Chapter 10 Terminating friendship indirect methods direct Friendship may terminate because the very thing that brought them together no longer exists Removing the binding element and friendships may fade Males were more likely to terminate friendships as a result of fewer common interests Social Exchange theory refers to an assessment of costs and rewards in determining the value of pursuing or continuing a relationship Indirect methods work best if your goal is to decrease the intensity of the friendship by increasing the emotional and physical distance between you and your friend Direct methods work best if your friend does not recognize the intent of your indirect attempts or if you are interested in terminating the friendship abruptly Terminating romantic relationships infidelity commitment dissimilarity outside pressures homosexual vs heterosexual dissolution Thereis four common reasons individuals leave romantic relationships infidelity commitment dissimilarity and outside pressure Infidelity can be defined as behaving in a way that crosses the perceived boundary and expectation of an exclusive relationship Infidelity can be physical sexual and even emotional Another reason individuals provide for terminating romantic relationships is a lack of commitment Not spending enough time together not prioritizing the relationship not valuing the other s opinion experiencing power struggles and not nurturing the maintenance are all signs of lack of commitment Lack of commitment in a relationship can foster feelings of loneliness and abandonment Some may say quotopposites attract but the truth is dissimilarity creates more problems than solutions Having difference backgrounds intelligence attitudes concerning family roles ethics and communicating about conflicts can contribute to conflict External or outside pressure from friends family or occupations may negatively impact relationship satisfaction According to selfdetermination theory people have an innate psychological need to feel autonomous or selfgoverning in ones behavior We want to choose our own path instead of someone choosing it for us Lesbians are more intimate Gays are more autonomous but besides that they are all pretty much the same Assessing problems and decision making Duck s intrapsychic dyadic phase social phase grave dressing When considering whether to stay in a relationship or not we often assess the trouble occurring in the relationship and the explanations for these problems Fundamental attribution error holds that people tend to attribute others behavior to internal rather than external causes Not surprisingly appraisals of our relationship partner s intentions relate to how satisfied we are in the relationship When a relationship partner offers consistently negative attributions or explanations for a partner s behavior they are more likely to report lower relationships satisfaction Equity theory suggests that couples are happiest in relationships when there is a balance of inputs and outputs Duck s fourphase model of decisionmaking during relationship termination is to understand how individuals determine whether or not to end a relationship When one partner recognizes that something is wrong in a relationship and that he or she is no longer happy feelings of frustration set it This initial phase in the relationship termination process is the intrapsychic phase During this phase the leaver spends considerable time contemplating whether the relationship is worth saving When the leaver officially announces to the partner that he or she is leaving or thinking of leaving the dyadic phase begins This phase opens the floodgates for discussion and justification If the relationship cannot be salvaged the relationship termination then does public When the relationship termination is focused less on the relationship and more on the relationship partner s friends and family it is a sign that we have moved to the social phase What your going to tell people is often in this phase Friends normally begin to choose sides and questions like can we still be friends or can I still call you are negotiated The last phase is grave dressing This phase is called grave dressing because partners typically quotdress up that dead relationship by promoting a positive image of their role in their particular version of the relationship Returning belongs and burning pictures is a big part of this stage Knapp s stages differentiating circumscribing stagnating avoiding termination Knapp s model of relationship dissolution focuses more on what happens between the relationship partners and less on how the partners interact with their social circles Differentiating stage partners highlight their differences Individuals accentuate their unique attributes and use more and me statements During this stage of the relationship dissolution partners may engage in a great deal on conflict that often emphasizes all of the ways they differ from one another During the circumscribing stage the communication between the relationship partners is often described as restricted controlled or constrained Akin to the quotdon t talk about politics or religion standard relationship partners choose to talk about safe topics that will not lead to some type of argument Stagnating stage is often described as two people who are merely going through the motion in their relationship because their communication has come to a virtual standstill There is very little interaction within the relationship and partners continue to do things separately During the avoiding stage relationships partners will actively fill their schedules to avoid seeing their partners This stage is particularly difficult nothing that when the partners do talk to one another they make it clear that they are not interested in the partner or the relationship The termination stage marks the end of the relationship Relationship partners may choose to divorce the other or move out Strategies to terminate There are five tactics used during relational disengagement Positive tone messages are created to ease the pain for the rejected partner These messages have a strong emotional tone and usually imply that the leaver would like to see less of the other person but not entirely end the relationship Deescalation messages are less emotional than positive tone messages and typically provide a rationale for wanting to see less of the rejected partner These things may come off as temporary Things like we need a break or I don t feel the same as I did at the start of this relationship A third tactic withdrawal or avoidance refers to actively spending less time with the person This includes dodging phone calls and such The justification tactic has three important elements The relationships partner states that he or she needs to stop seeing the other person The relationship partner provides a reason for ending the relationship with the other person The relationship partner recognizes the relationship partner is not salvageable and may even become worse if the relationship continues A strategy that is used to hurry the disengagement process and has little consideration for the rejected partner is called the negative identity management tactic Manipulation is often part of this tactic Redefining relationship after break up coping closure and forgiveness Men woman are more likely to remain friends after a break up if the male initiates it or if the decision was mutual than if the girl were to break up Most people say they would want an honest and direct break up If you do decide to remain friends after the break up then you must come up with rules The first step with coping is to realize that relationship dissolution is a process You will live You must rely on your support network lfyou feel you are burdening your friends and family or you continue to feel depressed or angry than talking with a professional helps Closure refers to a level of understanding or emotional conclusion to a difficult life event such as terminating a romantic relationship Closure often includes the rationale for the break up Granting forgiveness is one strategy used during closure Forgiveness does not mean you forget accept understand or excuse the behavior it simply implies that you will not hold your partner in debt for his or her wrong Selfforgiveness refers to you giving yourself permission to heal and move forward You give yourself permission to shed yourself of the burden Reframing is a psychological process in which you change the way you look at the romantic termination in order to foster a more productive resolution Chapter 10 Lecture III lt2 VI Communication Apprehension A fear concern anxiety about communicating ie Speaking in front of a bunch of people asking someone out on a date telling someone you love them for the first time B Can happen in close relationshi s C Trait underlying apprehension that we have with us all of the time ie some people are always shy underlying anxiety about communicating D State anxiety we have about a situation ie can talk to roommate but hard time at party Friends of choice and Friends of Circumstance A Of choice relations we get to choose friendships romance B Of circumstances relations chosen for us ie family work relationships Theory of interpersonal attraction A Interpersonal attraction positive feelings toward another person B There are short term attractions and long term attractions C There are 7 different factors that attract us to another person Physical Attraction the degree to which we are attracted to another person39s appearance 2 the 3 CS Credibility Con dence Charisma are related to the personality and reputation of the person a Credibility deals with reputation does this person have a positive character or not b Competenceideals with skill level are they competent in communicating and building a relationship Ex Friend of a friend c Charismaithat excitement when someone seems like a fun person ex They look happy or talk to a lot of people constantly cracking jokes 3 Proximity idea of a relationship based on convenience 4 Similarities having something in common tend to be friends with people who are like us because it is easy 5 Complimentary Needs it isn39t the difference between us it is what we gain out of the difference 6 Relational Potential does this person have something that meets our needs or desires for a relationship it is asking yourself quotwhat has this person done for me latelyquot 7 Liking when someone likes you back D There are many different things and these factors vary between person to person Over time the attraction to a person will vary and evolve lVIap stages of relationships Look in text It is a list of stages that relationships go through Once we get into relationships it is not just attraction that keeps them going You must communicate and work on them to keep them going A Things that keep relationships going 1 Investments grades money time other relationships emotions etc We like the investments between partners to be equal because when the investment isn39t equal con ict can arise Trust if you do not have trust you can notself disclose if you can notself disclose you don t have a relationship Commitment t is a look towards the future it is a conscious decision to continue this relationship in the future You can be attracted to someone but you don t have to act on it Being attracted does not mean you are in a relationship C If you are going to be in a relationship you must have some kind of commitment The stages of relationships are important because they help us use the communication to determine where we are at in the relationship and how to communicate 2 3 B Friendships I II Friendships are voluntary relationships We do not have to be friends with someone if we don t want to One of the things to remember is that friendships go through stages Stages of a friendship A Role Limited Inter actionithe very beginning conversations you have in a friendship not a lot of self disclosure at this time just looking for something in common and nding out general information about this person Friendly Relationsiwe re starting to share a little more about ourselves where we re from classes we re taking our major in school etc The goal of this is to see if there s something that a relationship can be built on Moving Toward Friendshipistarting to set aside time and make investments in order to spend time with that friend ex If you both like a certain band you go see it together Nascent Friendshipiat this point we actually start to consider ourselves as friends you start to talk about this person as your friend Stabilizing Friendshipithis is where you are friends and it s not just you that acknowledges you as friends but other people acknowledge you as friends as well Communication differs from stage to stage In the beginning you re very selfdisclosing and following social formal roles Then you start to share things and find things in common Then you consider yourselves friends and other people consider you friends Not all friendships make it to the stabilizing stage You may not always get past the second or third steps and sometimes the relationship has to start over from the beginning Waning Friendshipiwherl two people start to drift apart there s not always necessarily a dramatic end to the relationship most of the time you just slowly drift apart sometimes there is a big ght but that s not as common You could run into this person again and start the process over or you may start up where you left off You may never be friends with this person again We may become very different or just not have the time for one another anymore Lack of trust can also cause the friendship to wane Competing demands can cause friendships to wane Sexual attraction can also end a friendship 111 We sometimes take our friendships for granted We don t give them the work that they need We may worry about work family and romantic relationships more than friendships but friendships are extremely important They are the first relationships of choice we ever make in life We learn friendships from the time we are little kids Practicing relationship building and friendships will help us in our other relationships There are so many needs in our lives that our friends meet ie if something bad happens to you that s bad you re going to call your friends we rely on them a great deal They help us feel like we belong have a connection give us con dence and help us feel like someone cares about us Value those friendships because they are very important Think about each other and not just yourself Acknowledge that your friendships are going to go through life differences and those friends that remain after those differences and obstacles are the strongest ones Don t sweat the small stuff with friendships Rom antic Relationships 1 Committed romantic relationships There are 4 dimensions of romantic relationships 50051 There is some level of passioniintense feelings we have for another person May be sexual in nature or not C quot that belief and quot with the future we want to continue this relationship Intimacyithat feeling of closeness we have with another person happens through selfdisclosure Loveiwe more often times than not are going to connect love with our romantic relationships There are different types of love which are going to lead you into different relationships that inter1se feeling of liking someone It can have downfalls as well It is a part of committed romantic relationships Different types of love 1 Primary Types of Love Erosivery passionate form of love powerful tends to happen very quickly and also tends to burn out very quickly as well usually sexual in nature b Storgeia comfortable sort of love you feel that same love over and over every day with that person they know that they love that person and that person loves them back easy and drama free c Ludesia playful kind of love love we experience when we irt 2 Secondary Types of Love a Storge Ludes Pragmaia practical type of love it s a situation where you ve played a game of love until you find someone who meets our criteria and then we re going to develop that comfortable dramafree type of love b Er05LudesManiaia playful form of love not very serious but very passionate exciting and intense form of love spring break love don t tend to lead to committed relationships ends quickly c ErosSt0rge Agapeomes from the belief that it s the type of love that St Paul talks about in the Bible it s unconditional passionate it s an even love that is always with us how a parent loves a child people who are married for 50 or 60 years H You can have a romantic relationship that does not include all dimensions IH There are different stages of committed romantic relationships A Growthiwhat happens when the relationship begins 1 Individualsiwe have to have an understanding of who we are and what our selfconcept is before we begin a committed romantic relationship Invitational Communicationiwhere we begin the relationships start to talk to people and nd out who they are basic communication not a lot of selfdisclosing Explorational Communicationiwhere we begin to nd things out about one another doing some selfdisclosure nding out where we have things in common are there things that we can build a romantic relationship on Environmental spoilers can make us change our mind about continuing the relationships process Intensi ing Communicationiintimate language special language two people in a relationship will use that is only understood by them nicknames codes inside jokes memories etc Commitrnentithat look toward the future in a romantic relationship commitment is that public declaration that we plan to spend the rest of our lives with this person marriage moving in etc Not all relationships are going to make it to all the stages Love can happen at any of these stages you can love someone in the first stage or you can make it all the way to the commitment stage and still not love someone Navigationiwhat we do once we re in that committed relationship What we do to keep that committed relationship going Relational Cultureithe idea that in a relationship we re going to create our own set of private rules and regulations Sometimes they are discussed or sometimes they just happen ex You tell someone you ll cook and they do the dishes or you ll discover over time that one person always does the laundry PlaceMakingithe process that we make room in our lives for this other person tied to the idea of investment can be physically making space such as cleaning out a drawer so the other person can leave stuff in your apartment or it can be emotional in the sense that you make sure you spend enough time with this person some people have a lot of difficulty with place making and sharing their lives and things with another person not doing this will cause problems in the relationship Every Day I nteractioniparticularly in romantic relationships you have to talk to one another every day and see each other often it s very important to do this having distance in a relationship makes things very difficult Deteriorationiwhat happens when the relationship starts to fall apart 1 Dyadic Breakdowniwe begin to notice a change in our communication habits you may not talk as much as you used to stop saying I love you after a phone conversation your partner stops doing certain things for you I ntrapsychic Phaseiwe start to think about the dyadic breakdown we start to wonder what it means because we have noticed the clues Is this person mad at me Is something wrong Dyadic Phaseiwe re going to go to the other person in the relationship and talk to him or her about the changes in the relationship you address your concerns Social Supportiif confronting the other person does not work we start to talk to people outside of the relationship about the issues we re having ie talking about the problems you re having with a close friend or family member it s a difficult stage to seek that social support because at this point we begin thinking the relationship could end Grave Dressingsiwe nd that our relationship has ended that period of mourning that we 0 through as that relationship comes to and end different for different peopleisometimes this period lasts longer for some people than others In these deterioration stages you can see dramatic differences in communication One thing to understand is that if you can use that communication to figure out where you are then maybe you can gure out what you need to do in order to keep that relationship from ending 2 3 4 6 7 2 Family Relationships 1 Ther A B C D e are different types of family relationships Nuclear Familyiaka the traditional family the basic family level that we expect mother father children pets etc Blended Familyia family consisting of parents same sex or opposite that has a mix of children from different relationships ex Step siblings adopted children half siblings etc Single Parent Family Live In F amilyican be nuclear blended or singleparents however they do not have the bond of marriage Integrated Familyipeople from different backgrounds cultures come together in a familymarriage situation these types of families have a lot of differences to overcome such as religious backgrounds Boomerang Familyiafter a period of time being away from home and growing up the child comes back to the parents not an ideal situation for the parents Commuter Familyia situation where one member of the family is away from the family for periods of time ex Job situations where people have to travel or work an hour away from home so they re away from home the majority of the week 11 Each of these types of families is some type of structure A Rolesiwithin any family unit people play different roles nothing more than a prescribed behavior or communication pattern caregiver wage earner mother father sister brother family screwup family clown golden child the role we choose to play influences our communication Ex Your mom tells you not to curse but she curses shows in uence from motherchild role Responsibilitiesifamilies have a rule structure expectations of what people are supposed to do in the family sometimes these things consist of chores or the idea that the family will always talk out a disagreement or whatever the dad says goes We communicate these expectations so everyone knows what to do Power Structure typically in families there are two types of basic power structures 1 Positional Power Structureithe power or ability to in uence another person is going to come from the position of authority the person has in the family 2 PersonOriented Power Structureian individual that s capable of in uencing doesn t come from the family position it s whoever they are they re able to in uence Decision Makingifamilies make decisions about a lot of things Consensusitakes a great deal of communication to reach this take everything into consideration and then make a decision 2 Accommodation you accommodate one member of the family 3 De Factoiwhere one person makes a decision for the whole family often done through positional power 4 Systemsifamilies are communication systems they share longevity past present future we are committed to our family s system families are also interdependent of one another and they depend on one another for certain things When you communicate in a family system you can t separate the communication from the family structure it gives the communication meaning so our family members understand our communication and us There are different subsystems in the communication system a Communication T rianglesiparent child child Ex Parent gets mad at one child and then gets mad at the sibling as well despite whether or not heshe did anything wrong parentsparentschild OR siblingsiblingsibling leads to sibling rivalry All of these different triangles come into play and connect so we can t just think about the communication in the system we also have to think about the subsystems III Families go through life cycles stages A B C D E F G Young CommittedMarried No Childrenicommunication revolves around the couple only Families With Preschoolersifrom birth of child until kindergarten this can be a very challenging part of the family dynamic you have to focus on and care for the child Families With School Aged Kidsiyou ve got the children away from home during an extended period of time to go to school you re getting back personal time however there are a lot more demands on the parents changes the way the communication happens Families With Adolescentsifamilies who have kids in college Launching Familiesifamilies who are attempting to get their kids independent enough to go out and live on their own and start their own family communication between parents and children becomes less frequent you have to make more of an effort to communicate Em ptinessiwhat happens once the children are gone changes the communication because now you go back to focusing on the original couple in the relationship instead of the children Retirementiyou have so many hours away from the family and then you re home all the time and with each other a lot more but you still need some space which is hard to do in the retirement stage Work Relationships 1 Networks A B Work relationships consist of networks who you communicate with heneiwork star has the most connections with other people and information in the workplace usually the secretary of the boss and CEO II C A B C III A An outlier has very few connections in the workplace Messages Task Messagesitask based talks about work and getting the job done Maintenance Messagesimessages we use to help us build relationships and connections Human Relationsimessages of praise and motivation Relationships Superior Subordinate looks at how the boss and employees communicate with one another and the relationships that are built different bosses have different communication expectations 003 IV Customer Relations CoworkerPeer l 2 3 78 billion people per year are engaged in romantic relationships at work 50 end in a marriage or committed I nformationaliinformational peers focus relationship on taskbased messages Collegialgcollegial peers talk about the job but also begin to selfdisclose things about our personal lives Specialgspecial peers are relationships that start at work but move beyond work relationships Quinn says there are three motivators of office romance 1 2 3 Three Types 1 B 2 3 C 2 Loveithey think they are in love Egoithey work hard and deserve it J obipeople think of ce romance will help them get ahead Sincere Love people fall in love and enter into a committed romantic relationship these are the types of relationships that companies don t min Flingipeople think they ve been working hard and they deserve this motivated by ego romance that happens quickly and can t be proven most companies don t really investigate this type of romance unless someone is married or a boss Utilit ariania combination of ego and job someone believes that someone can help them get ahead in the workplace sleep to the top There are two types of sexual harassment l Quid pro quoimost familiar with this type trade sex for something else ex If you sleep with me I ll give you a raise Can also happen in the reverse ex Ifyou don t sleep with me I won t give you a promotion Only a very small percentage of sexual harassment falls into this category Hostile Environmentiany sort of unwanted sexual tension 100 verbal and nonverbal communication ex Leering staring too long looking at inappropriate parts instead of eyes telling sexual jokes etc Chapter 10 1 Understanding Close Relationships A B C Role Relationships a relationship in which the partners are interdependent while accomplishing a speci c task such as a server at a restaurant Close Relationships 1 a relationship that endures over time and consists of interdependent partners who satisfy each other s needs for connection and social inclusion feel an emotional attachment to each other are irreplaceable to each other and enact unique communication pattern Communication Patterns of Close Relationships The content of the interactions what people talk about and do together The diversity of interactions the number of different experiences people share The qualities of the interactions how do the partners talk to one another The intimacy of the interactions how much do the partners selfdisclose The partners39 perception of the interactions how do they see each other and the outside world The commitment re ected in the interactions does each partner feel the other is committed to the relationship 7 The satisfaction expressed in the interactions how closely do the partners39 interactions t their ideal Relationships as Cultural Performances close relationships are de ned by ongoing public and private exchanges Includes private conversations public rituals like marriage and other ceremonies and also public discourse by politicians and others indicating what marriages families and other relationships should be like and what values should de ne them Relationships as Cognitive Constructs or relationship scripts c P39 eENN II F G Relational scripts are shortterm first date or longterm how a friendship should progress They allow us to process information ef ciently and rapidly They also help guide behavior and enhance satisfaction when the script matched the experience They are also cognitive constructs when partners share the same mental images of the relationship This happens on two levels a basic level people are aware of eachother and that there is a relationship b Higher level i Communication is patterned and partners can predict what the other will say ii Partners perceive past present and future together iii They label the relationship Relationships as Linguistic Constructs l 2 Giving a relationship a name helps us feel in a relationship with someone Sometimes though there is not a label in for that type of relationship Figurative languageispeci cally similes and metaphorsihelp us understand relationships by comparing them to other phenomena It also shapes our understanding of the relationship by highlighting some parts and downplaying others Relationships Culture and Gender 1 2 3 4 Culture will have an in uence on a relationship ie Relationships in collectivistic cultures and cultures who emphasize family and extended family will be different than more private cultures Relational Culture the notion that relational partners collaborate and experience shared understandings roles and rituals that are unique to their relationship Men and women respond to stress differently and therefor think about close relationships differently Men become dissatis ed in marriage when the partner stops doing things for them like making dinner and greeting them at the door Women become dissatis ed when their husband stops talking to them But both lead to feelings of not being cherished and cause a divorce Types of Close Relationships Friendship A 1 This relationship is voluntary and has no legal bonds to make dissolving them difficult which makes them very fragile 2 Friendships may be sacri ced for family and romantic relationships 3 It is a signi cant relationship because it provides social support companionship and validation 4 Afriendship may have negative qualities like jealousy envy anger and hostility making it a unhealthy relationship 5 Friendships are de ned as close relationships in which communication plays an important role Romantic Relationships 1 These relationships including dating and marriage are similar to friendships because they are voluntary but differ in that they involve sexual and romantic feelings and they are not assumed to be as fragile as friendships 2 Although couples break up and divorce romantic partners are supposed to exhibit commitment 3 An individual39s love styleipassionate stable playful othercentered logical or obsessiveimade a difference in the three communication practices during thresstages of a relationship opening lines to pick up a potential partner intensi cation strategies for moving the relationship along and secret tests to check on the state of a relationship If two people have different styles they may not progress well because they will not understand each others communication style 4 How con dent a person is in the relationship affects how they communicate with their partner If they are comfortable they will use more positive prosocial behaviors and draw more favorable conclusions If they are not comfortable they tend to interupt the other and be pessimistic 5 Other factors that affect the relationship are long distance vs short distance same sex couples vs different sex couples and interracial dating Families 1 Families are a unique type of relationship 2 Their ties can be voluntary or involuntary Some consist of people who come together of their own free will like marriage partners communes or intentional families who come together by choice rather than blood relation But others can not choose like parents grandparents and siblings 3 For many the relationship is life long 4 Families receive social cultural and legal sanction through marriage adoption and inheritance etc 111 w A B Family stories bits of lore about family members and activities that are told and retold as a way for family members to construct a sense of family identity and meanin Ritual a repeated patterned communication event in a family39s life Can be in 3 forms a Everyday ritual like saying grace before dinner b Traditions like eating at a certain place for an anniversa c celebrations say one thing you are thankful for at thanksgiving Celebrations differ from traditions in that celebrations are celebrated throughout a culture and not speci c to a certain family in Close 39 quot quot Systems Theory compares relationships to living systems which have 6 important properties 6 Dial l Wholeness a a principal that states that we can39t fully understand a system by simply picking it apart and understanding each of its parts in isolation from one another b This is explained in the way that a relationship you have with one person is different than the relationship with anyone else The way you act and communicate with that person belongs speci cally to your relationship Also the other person39s reactions contributions and perceptions of you make a difference on how you act and vice versa Interdependence builds on the idea of wholeness People in a relationship depend on each other so what affects the life of one will affect the life of the other Hierarchy is a principle that states that all relationships are embedded within larger systems like immediate familygtextended familygtneighborhoodgtculture etc a subsystems lowerlevel systems of relationships like siblings inside of a family b suprasystems higherlevel systems of relationship such as a neighborhood of several families Boundaries or Openness refers to the fact that hierarchy is formed by creating boundaries around each separate system However human systems are inherently open which means that information passes through Therefor some research calls it boundaries and some calls it openness Calibration or Feedback a the process of systems setting their parameters checking on themselves and self correcting b Recalibration adjust a relationship to accommodate changing needs of the parties involved c positive feedback feedback that causes a system to recalibrate and change d negative feedback feedback that maintains the status quo Equi nality 7 the ability to achieve the same goals or ends by a variety of means ie Friends via sports team vs friends at kereokee ectics Theory focuses on the tensions relational partners feel as a result of desiring two opposing things at once This theory is like the systems theory in that it is more general It provides a framework for understanding how people struggle with oppositions in relationships and helps us understand some communication behavior as strategies fro dealing with tensions It was mentioned brie y in Chapter 8 with openness amp protection which is one of the most common forms Other Most Common Relational Dialectics these three if you include openness amp protection are seem as dynamic meaning the interplay between the two opposites permeates the life of a relationship and is never really resolved a Autonomy amp Connection the tension between our desire to be independent or autonomous while simultaneously wanting to feel a connection with our partner Like wanting time with just your friends and also wanting to spend time with significant other b Novelty amp Predictability our simultaneous opposing desires for excitement and stability in our relationships Additional Dialectics found in friendships a Internal Dialectics tensions resulting from compositions inherent in relational partners39 communication with each other i Judgementamp Acceptance our desire to criticize a friend as opposed to accepting a friend for who she or he is Like not approving of a friends new boyfriend but wanting them to approve of all of your choices at the same time ii Affection amp Instrumentality the tension between framing a friendship with someone as an end in itself affection or seeing it as a means to another end instrumentality this suggests that people want to just enjoy their friendships but also get some type of help from their friends C Soci 1 2 D Stag 1 External Dialectics tensions between oppositions that have to do with how relational partners negotiate the public aspects of their relationshi i Public amp Private the tension between how much of a friendship is demonstrated in public and what parts are kept private Like going to the movies with a friend is public but the goofy nicknames for each other is kept private Adolescents tend to keep more of their relationships private ii Ideal amp Real the tension between an idealized version of friendship and the real friends one has al Exchange Theories These have a different line of thinking than the other two These theories are more specific and point toward a testable prediction Assumptions of Social Exchange a Costs the things in life we judge as negative ie Having to do favors for friends listening to family member39s boring stories or babysitting a bratty younger relative b Rewards the parts of a relationship that we find pleasurable ie Having someone to listen to your problems and be empathetic sharing a favorite activity and private jokes with a friend c Social exchange perspective states that people want to minimize their costs while maximizing their rewards When costs outweigh the rewards people tend to leave the relationship d There are three basic assumptions about human nature people are motivated by rewards and avoid punishments people are rational and people evaluate costs a rewards differently Theory of Interdependence Thibaut and Kelley 1959 a adds an idea from social exchange theory relationships are interdependent What one person does affects the other and their relationship as a whole This theory adds more explanation for why people stay or leave relationships like staying in a bad one or ending a good one Comparison level a person39s standard level for what types of costs and rewards should exist in a given relationship AKA their expectations These are learned from many sources like media families and past experiences The theory predicts that people will be satis ed in a relationship as long as it meets or exceeds their comparison level When people are satisfied they are more likely to engage in relational maintenance Comparison Level for Altematives a comparison of the costs and rewards of a current relationship to the possibility of doing better in a different one This part of the theory is what some therapists use to explain why women choose to stay in abusive relationships Relative Power Position a situation in which a partner in a relationship believes he or she has a higher power status than the other partner and so will engage in risky strategies without fearing the costs e Models Step by Step Concerned with how relationships develop and how communication changes as we deepen or weaken our relational ties with another The best known of these models was developed by Mark Knapp 1978 His theories are built on Social Exchange but differs in that it further clari es how the movement in relationships takes place and how communication characterizes relational growth and decay Answers the questions are there regular and systematic patterns of communication that suggest stages on the road to intimate relationships Are there similar patterns and stages that characterize the deterioration of of relationships The model is useful because it provides for relationships that end after any stage and explains the movement of friendships as well as love relationships Some people criticize all stage models for presenting a linear picture of all relationships and does not account for relationships that do not happen neatly or what happens when one partner moves to a different stage and the other does not Stage models simplify a complicated process Each stage may contain parts from an early or later stage and people may slide back and forth between stages as they interact Each of the stages in the model a Initiating the 1st stage where people notice each other and indicate to each other that they are interesting in connecting with one another It depends on attraction which can be short term or long term Shortterm attraction a judgement of relationship potential that propels us into a relationship Longterm attraction judgement of a relationship that makes up want to continue a relationship after initiating it This attraction sustains and maintains a relationship 1 ii iii IV A 1 2 3 4 5 Co 1 B 57 0 F D quot7 Fr Both types are based on several elements ie Physical attractiveness charisma physical closeness similarity complimentary needs positive outcomes and reciprocation We are also motivated to initiate conversations with people who share our own attributes values and o inions Experimenting i a stage where two people become acquainted by gathering information about each other Usually engage in small talk interactions that are relaxed pleasant uncritical and casual Many relationships remain in this stage and even people in close relationships spend time in this stage in an effort to better understand one another to pass time or to avoid uncomfortable feelings stirred up by a more intense conversation earlier Intensifying i the deepening of intimacy in the relationship ii During this stage partners self disclose forms of address become less formal may even use nick names partners begin to use We and Us People begin to develop their own language based on private symbols for past experiences or knowledge of other s beliefs habits and desires This stage is marked by more direct statements of commitment The partners become sophisticated non verbally and can read each others39non verbal cues replace verbal cues with a touch and mimic each others39 gestures Integrating the two partners form a clear couple They form friends together and are treated as a unit They are invited places together and info is expected to be shared among them They may have common property like a song or dog or bank account Bonding The nal stage in coming together which refers to a public commitment of relationship This includes marriage commitment ceremonies naming ceremonies and so forth Differentiating First stage in the coming apart section refers to beginning to notice the ways in which the partners differ In this stage individuality is high lighted unlike other stages People switch from We to I Circumscribing restraining communication behaviors so fewer topics are raised for fear of con ict and more issues are out of bounds The couple interacts less and is characterized by silence Stagnating extending circumscribing so much that the couple no longer talks much Each partner may engage in imagined conversation where one partner plays both partners in a mental rehearsal of the conversation Avoidance the two partners stay away from each other because they feel being together is unpleasant They may have excuses to not hang out change their schedules so they don t run into each other or may just ignore one another when these aren39t possible Terminating the process of ending a relationship iii Choices in Communicating in Close Relationships Communication Skills for Beginning Relationships Networking nding out information about a person from a third party This ensures that you are behaving efficiently and in a socially acceptable way Offering putting ourselves in a good position for another to approach us in a social situation Approaching providing non verbal signals that indicate we would like to initiate a contact with a person such as going up to them or smiling at them Sustaining behaving in a way that keeps the initial conversation going like asking questions Af nity Seeking emphasizing the commonalities we think we share with another person mmunication Skills for lVIaintaining Relationships Preventative maintenance a involves both partners paying attention to their relationship even when it39s not experiencing trouble b offer assurances express openness re ecting positivity sharing tasks include social networks Supportiveness a Make descriptive rather than evaluative comments b Speak in Positive ways rather than in a certain manner c be more spontaneous than strategic d Strive for a problem orientation rather than control orientation e Provide empathy instead of neutrality to your partner f Establish equality between partners rather than superiority of one over the other III I II Chapter 11T 39 39 3 Using Humor Humor serves as a preventative maintenance function It indicates enjoyment promotes bonding and cohesions as well as stress management C Communication Skills for Repairing Relationships 1 Relational Trans gression negative behaviors in close relationships such as betrayal deceptions and hurtful comments 2 Corrective maintenance repairing a relationship when it runs into trouble 3 Metacommunication communicating about communication When communication is the problem both partners need to address how to improve their problem 4 Apology a a simple statement like I am sorry b accompanied by Accounts explanations for the transgression Online Communication What are some ways online communication differs from face to face communication A In facetoface encounters being deceitful is more difficult Synchronous communication vs asynchronous communication 1 Synchronousisame time 39 not 39 39 39 f exchange Level of selfdisclosure a lot of people are more comfortable exposing themselves online Individuality vs collaboration Are there certain things we should NOT communicate online Is computer mediated communication good or bad for interpersonal relationships Research is still being done on this topic ome challenges to online communication Abbreviated language ex LOL OMG etc Meaning can be misinterprete Emoticons can be misinterpreted TMI Flaming cial Networking Identity Construction amp Privacy Social Networkingilinking individuals and communities of people who share interests activities andor ideas Signaling Theory 1 People have specific qualities that they wish to present to others There are parts of use we want people to seeknow about 3071pr 05 wgtgwbowgt 2 We make these choices constantly 3 We can craft identity online in a way that we can t face to face 4 This can get complicated for some people 5 We can t assume that what we see or read about someone online is accurate or true or that it s the full story Ethics When tagging others in photos and videos Writing on someone s Facebook wall Once online we can assume the information is out there forever Care and selectivity Take responsibility and Interpersonal C Beginning Definitions A Content Aggregation the process of collecting online data from different and multiple sources to suit a particular need such as populating a search engine or preparing digital slides for a presentation P150951 B Convergencei the integration of various technologies such as online radio or cell phones with cameras C Computermediated Communication CMC the use of various technologies to facilitate communication with others D Technological Determinism a theory that states that technology is irreversible inevitable and inescapable Characteristics of Communication Technology A It is pervasive meaning it is everywhere from waking up with an alarm clock to using the phone to watching tv Because it is everywhere we rely on it to make it through the day B Technology is also paradoxical meaning that it is con icting inconsistent and ironic This explained by the use of the term global village the concept that communication tech ties the world into one political economic social and cultural system C Technology is powerful meaning it in uences people places and events and even entire cultures IH The Accessibility of Communication A Accessibility refers to the availability of technology to everyone It helps eliminate the technological gap between people and different cultural communities Some call this gap the digital divide and others call it the battle between information haves and havenots and others say there is not battle that every one has access to at least some type of technology B Technology users are grouped into 3 categories elite tech users middle of the road techies and few tech assets C The accessibility of tech affects communication because if someone does not understand the tech it can cause problems with meaning D Accessibility to commtech has many bene ts increased safety creates a sense of play and improves psychological wellbeing between and among people IV The Internet A The Internet connects computers together and the info that travels form one to another does so through various technologic languages The web is one of these B Web 10 and Web 20 1 Web 10 the earliest incarnation of the World Wide Web which was used primarily as a storehouse of online information and tools that could be accessed to achieve an end such as nding a website emailing a friend or purchasing a product 2 Web 20 the latest incarnation of the World Wide Web which is increasingly used as a means of interactivity and personal expression establishing online communities sharing files and blogging C The Dark Side of the Internet 1 Little Accountability anyone can develop a webpage and write whatever they want even if the information is completely made up 2 Fostering Hate a Hate speech extremely offensive language that is directed toward a particular group of people b hate speech is protected by the 1st amendment c Flaming exchanging malicious hostile or insulting comments over the intemet 3 Privacy is Sacri ced D The Bright Side of the Internet 1 Widening your social Network there are chat rooms forums and online support groups plus social networking sites that you can use to meet new people Also tech can be used to maintain current relationships via email facebook etc 2 Enhancing your educational Accessibility V The Presentation of Self Online A Avatars a digital ctional and fantasy representation of a user in a virtual world B Signaling Theory proposes that people have qualities that they wish to present to others C Assumptions of Online Presentation of Self l The Computer Screen Can Deceive a people can lie on the intemet and be who they want to be A man can pretend to be a woman or a CEO can pretend to be unemployed This is different from Face to Face FtF because when you meet a person in real life you are only yourself and you can not hide that as easily We can not claim to be a tall skinny super model when in fact we are short and chunky in real life Also we have to respond to conversations immediately in FtF b Synchronous Communication Comm between a sender and receiver that takes place at the same time as in FtF c Asynchronous Communication comm that doesn39t require the sender and receiver to have as exchange at the same time as in online communication 2 Online Discussions Often Prompt Introspection When you receive an email or text you often take time to think about why the person said that and what your response should be In FtF this is not as apparent We don t take this time while the words are being said Stopping in the middle of a conversation would bring the conversation to a halt 3 Online Discussions Promote SelfOrientation Online we tend to value our way of doing things and working on a computer is essentially a personal endeavor Even when some one messages you you can choose when to reply or if you want to at all In FtF you don t have this choice even silence says a lot to the other person 4 Selfdisclosures Occur Online a Not all disclosure occurs in FtF People reveal quite a bit online particularly in blogs Some people feel comfortable disclosing online because there is no immediate reactions of disgust disappointment or confusion b Postcyberdisclosure panic PCDP a situation in which we disclose personal information online vis email or blog etc only to experience signi cant anxiety later because we begin to think about the number of people who could have access to the info c In F tF we have to contend with facial reactions and questions which can keep us from disclosing info we not want every one to know VI Identity Markers on the Internet A Identity Markers an electronic extension that communicates a person39s identity such as a screen name or a personal home page B Screen Names nick names and serve to communicate the uniqueness of the sender of a message they serve a way to protect their identity from others until they are familiar and comfortable C Personal Home Pages AKA a webpage you made Can contain info that may be deliberate or accidental The text photos back ground fonts and links all communicate to the visitor who you are But having links to the wrong pages spelling mistakes or over disclosing may scare away visitors instead of attract them VII Communication Technology and Relational Maintenance A The Electronic and FacetoFace Relationship 1 There are studies that show online dating is a good idea FtF dating is mostly random stumbling into people who want a relationship in a social situation and being able to find one you are compatible with is mostly luck 2 People Online are available and seeking companionship Before you exchange information you have the ability to get a pro le of the person You know something about how the other person thinks and writes You know how to contact them You have the chance to exchange email and talk on the phone without ever revealing your identity You can do all of this for less than what it would cost on a typical rst date 3 Hyperdating the highly accelerated development of an online relationship B The Language of Online Relationships 1 Abbreviated language shorthand used for efficient communication in online relationships 2 Graphic Accents a articons a graphic image used in electronic message that can be downloaded from a website or compiled from keyboard characters An articon may or may not be used to convey emotion 3 Blogging a running commentary that usually keeps personal thoughts and feelings about a certain topic VIII Social Networking A linking individuals and communities who share common interests activities and ideas through such websites as Facebook and MySpace IX Choices for Improving Online Communication Skills A Sender Skills for Electronic Messages 1 Be succinct when necessary 2 Write literally 3 Stay Polite 4 Take a deep breath B Receiver Skills for Electronic Messages 1 Check in with the sender Electronic Trial Balloon an online overture that brie y responds to a sender39s message in order to clarify the sender39s intended message 2 Show empathy when possible 3 Listen beyond the words C Sender and Receiver Skills for Electronic Messages 1 Take responsibility for your own words 2 Build your dialogue 3 Recall the challenge of online communication Chapter 10 Communicating in Close Relationships I Maslow s Hierarchy of Needs Love and inclusion needs Safety needs Physical needs I Understanding Close Relationships 0 It s very difficult to define close relationships I Role Relationships 0 Relationships in which the partners are interdependent while accomplishing a specific task such as a server and a customer at a restaurant Q Is that people in them are relatively interchangeable I Ex While you might like one server more than another you can still eat at a restaurant as long as someone serves you O May be fleeting and your interdependence on each other doesn t endure I Close relationships 0 A relationship that O endures over time Q consists of interdependent partners who satisfy each other s needs for connection and social inclusion O feel an emotional attachment to each other O are irreplaceable to each other O and enact unique communication patterns I Communication Patterns O The content of the interactions what people talk about and do together O The diversity of interactions the number of different experiences people share O The qualities of the interactions how do the partners talk to one another O The intimacy of the interactions how much do the partners self disclose Is their conversation characterized by a private language that identifies them as part of a unique closed circle O The partners perception of the interactions How do the partners see each other and the outside world O The commitment reflected in the interactions Does each partner feel the other is committed to the relationship O The satisfaction expressed in the interactions How closely do the partners interactions fit their ideal 0 Role and close relationships CAN overlap 9 Relationships as Cultural Performances I Close relationships are cultural performances when they are defined by ongoing public and private exchanges private conversations public rituals public disclosures and others indicate what marriage families and other relationships should be like and what values should define them I Having a wedding and publicly vow that the partners were in a close relationships marriage go to parties together own a home together have a joint checking account they are performing a close relationship according to the US cultural and social rules 9 Relationships as Cognitive Constructs I Relationship Scripts cognitive structures containing a pattern for the key events we expect in a relationship 0 Narrow Scripts ei what should happen on a first date 0 Broad scriptsei how a friendship should progress I Relationship Script Functions 0 Conserve brain functions allow us to process information about the relationship efficiently and rapidly 0 Help guide behavior help know what to do in certain relationship situations 0 Enhance satisfaction when there s a match between script and experience I Close relationships as cognitive constructs when we define them as partners sharing mental images of the relationship I Mental image levels 0 1 Basic level people are simply aware of each other and the fact that they are in a relationship with one another 0 2 More Complex level specific order of happenings O Communication between partners becomes patterned and can imagine with predictive accuracy O Partners perceive past present and future together hold a mental image of what the partner has done in the past to generalize a present and future O People label their relationship quotthis is my best friend 9 Relationships as Linguistic Constructs I Language influences our sense of close relationships Giving a relationship a label friendship love etc helps us feel in a relationship to another I Another relationships exist in language is through figurative language specifically metaphors and similes help us understand relationship by comparing them to other phenomenon to which a relationship is linked shed light on the qualities of the relationship itself I Understanding your relationship with your mother better whenever thinking of your relationship as a mother bear protecting her cub I Figurative language also shapes our understanding highlighting elements of the relationship while downplaying other elements I Seeing your relationship with your boyfriend as a dance features the coordination and enjoyment of your relationship downplaying the struggle and hard times Relationships Culture and Gender 0 Two additional factors culture and gender I Relational culture the notion that relationship partners collaborate and experience shared understandings roles and rituals that are unique to their relationship I Growing up together or doing things together shopping sports I Evidence exists that men and women possess a different relational awareness 0 Men are more reticent in communicating and monitoring their relationships and women are more tuned into relational goals however this difference was slight and seems easily explained by social teachings which categorizes women as relational experts Types of Close Relationships 9 Friendship I This quality makes friendship a somewhat fragile close relationship I Friends may be sacrificed for family in the belief that family relationships are more primary I Friends may come and go on based on situational factors I Friendships provide social support companionship and validation I Unhealthy friendships are categorized by jealousy envy anger and whole host of difficulties There may be as many as twentyone types of bad friendships Research has categorized friendships as either toxic or highly positive but each relationship has negative and positive potential 0 Positive outcomes in relationships are sometimes accomplished by communicating traditionally frownedupon ways ei gossip I Social glue positive communicated to strangers negative 0 The same claim can be made about swearing I Friendships are close relationships in which communication plays an important role communicating social support solidarity and positive affect as well as daily interactions etc Romantic Relationships I Different from friendships because they involved sexual and romantic feelings and because they are not assume to be as fragile as friendships I Romantic partners exhibit commitment though we know some break up divorce etc I Along with relational scripts individual differences affect how we communicate in romantic relationships 0 Love style made a different in three communication practices during three stages of a relationship I If Jose is as a playful love style and Sarah his partner as a logical love style then Jose s playful secret tests and intensification strategies may not be successful 0 How secure a person is affects how they communicate to maintain their romantic relationship more secure More positive or prosocial behaviors I One type of romantic relationship is to receive research attention is the long distance relationship LDR or a couple who continuous to maintain a romantic relationship while separated geographically o some research shows that LDRs are more stable than dating couples who are geographically close because of the LDR couples engaging in more romantic idealization of one another and their relationship I Interracial and same sex couples aware of social disapproval required to consider social and historical forces concerning race and sexual identity in ways that other couple do not have to I Romantic relationships and the communication that occurs within them vary widely 9 Families Family ties can be voluntary or involuntary I Families are also distinctive because for many members the close relationship is lifelong I Family is a close relationship that receives social cultural and legal sanctions through for example marriage adoption and inheritance I Family stories bites of lore about the family members and activities that are told and retold as a way for family members to construct a sense of family identity and meaning I Ritual a repeated communication event in a family s life Everyday interactions lsaying grace before dinner Traditions lgoing to the airport on your anniversary because that is where you first kissed Celebrations lasking the children to say one thing they are thankful each Thanksgiving I O Celebrations differ from traditions because they involve holidays that are shared throughout a culture Explaining Communication in Close Relationships 9 Systems Theory I Compares relationships to living systems like cells in the body which have six important properties 0 Wholeness O A principle that states that we can t fully understand a system by simply picking it apart and understand each of its parts in isolation from one another I Knowing Bert and Ernie separately is not the same as knowing Bert and Ernie about the relationship between Bert and Ernie O The way you act and communicate in a relationship is probably different from the way you act and communicate in other relationships O The other person s reactions contributions and perceptions of you make a difference in how you behavior and vice versa further the way you perceive the relationship matters 0 Interdependence O Builds on the notion of wholeness by asserting that members of system depend on each other and are affect by one another 0 Hierarchy O A principle that states that all relationships are embedded within larger systems O Subsystems lowerlevel systems of relationship such as a sibling relationship within a family O Suprasystems higherlevel systems of relationship such as a neighborhood consisting of several families o Boundaries or openness O A systems principle referring to the fact that hierarchy is formed by creating boundaries around each separate system However human systems are inherently open which means that information passes through these boundaries Therefore some researchers call this principle quotopennessquot and some call it quotboundariesquot 0 Calibration or feedback O The process of systems setting their parameters checking on themselves and self correcting Recalibrate adjust a relationship to accommodate changing needs of the partners D Positive feedback feedback that causes a system to recalibrate and change D Negative feedback feedback that causes a system to reject recalibration and stay the same maintain status quo Equifinality O The ability to achieve the same goals or ends by a variety of means 9 39 l Lulu l iiml oThe Thompson family is considered outgoing anf funny Ella Thompson is quiet and shy Wholeness 039I can39t talkto you when you act like that Interdependence Hiearchy with Marcus oHaptells Miles they can39t play basketball every Wednesday because he needs to spend more time with his Son Caliberation 0Laura and Roy are happily married and they tell each other everything Nadine and Bob are happily married and they keepy many things private and don39t confide in each other as much Equifinality OJake talks to his son Marcus about how his problems at work are making it hard for him to spend time IoFrieda tellsasecret to her sister Layaand trusts her not to tellthe rest ofthe family Dialectics Theory I Focuses on the tensions relational partners feel as a result of desiring two opposing things at once This thinking rejects the quoteitherorquot approaches and is in favor of the quotbothandquot Along with openness disclosing and protection keeping silent dialectics theory also discusses o Autonomy and connection the tension between our desire to be independent or autonomous while simultaneously wanting to feel a connection with our partner D Ex This tension is apparent when Desiree wants to be with her own friends while also wanting to be with her boyfriend Shane 0 Novelty and predictability our simultaneous opposing desires for excitement and stability in our relationships D Malcolm feels bored with the everyday routine he s established in his relationship with Tom but he also feels comforted and reassured by them This means that the interplay between two opposites permeates the likes of a relationship and is never fully resolved Some other dialectics found specifically in friendships 0 Judgment and acceptance Our desire to criticize a friend as oppose to accepting a friend for who he or she is D If Maria has a friend Josh who is dating someone Maria thinks wrong for him or someone who is dishonest or untrustworthy should she offer her opinion or s accept Josh s choice 0 Affection and instrumentality The tension between framing a friendship with someone as an end in itself affection seeing it as a means to another end instrumentality D If Tony often gets a ride to work from his close friend Mark that friendship serves an instrumental function But Tony values friendship for affectionate reasons as well such as the fun he and Mark have talking to one another on the way to work Internal Dialects tensions resulting from oppositions inherent in relational partners communication with each other External Dialects tensions between oppositions that have to do with how relational partners negotiate the public aspects of their relationship 0 Public and private O The tension between how much ofa friendship is demonstrated in public and what parts are kept private D Fine for public Kelly and Amy both like horror movies and always race to see the newest releases whilenick names might be kept between them private D The football team captain being friends with a nerd a private relationship 0 Ideal and real O The tension between an idealized vision of friendship and the real friend one has D We may carry images in our heads of how selfsacrificing otheroriented and altruistic friend should be thanks to pop culture Georgia has idealized images of her friend who then leaves her to go on a ski trip she can t make thinking that her friend would refuse to go without her Dialectics theory is rather general Provides understanding how people with oppositions in relationships and helps us understand communication behavior strategies Social Exchange Theory Comes from a different line of thinking than the system and dialectics approaches s more specific and point us more directly toward testable predictions about it Several theories 0 Assumptions of Social Exchange O Two concepts Costs and rewards I Costs those things in relational life that we judge as negative 0 Ex listing to your Uncle s boring stories or babysitting for a bratty cousin I Rewards those parts of being in a relationship that we find pleasurable 0 Sharing favorite activities with a friend laughing about private jokes 9 It assumes all people minus costs from rewards and judge their relationship on the difference Cost gt Rewards people may leave the relationship Three Basic Assumptions I People are motivated by rewards and wish to avoid punishment I People are rational I People evaluate costs and rewards differently Theory of Interdependence O the idea that relationships are interdependent whatever one person does in a relationship affects the other and their relationship as a whole why people stay or leave in relationships I Comparison level a person s standard level for what types of costs and rewards should exist in a given relationship may tell you that friendships is a relationship in which you should expect to give and take in equal proportions whereas love relationships require more giving than taking I C 39 Ievelfor 39 39 a I of the costs and rewards of a current relationship to the possibility of doing better in a different relationship I Ex Melanie calculates that she has more costs than rewards in her relationship with her husband Erik However she still might stay with Erik if she also calculates that her chances of doing better without him either by finding a better relationship or being alone are poor explains women in abusive relationships I Relative power position A situation in which a partner in a relationship believes he or she has a higher power status than the other partner and so will engage in risky strategies without fearing the costs I Rosemary thinks she s a catch and generally has success with men she wants to date she may be motivated to make a slightly offcolor joke to get Kyle s attention even though that s a strategy associated with high costs 9 Stage Models Step by Step I Are concerned with how relationships develop and how communication changes as we deepen or weaken our relationship ties with another pp s StagesComing together Initiating Stage the first stage in the coming together part of Knapp s model of relationship development in which two people notice each other and indicate to each other that they are interested in making contact I Kna O O O Shortterm attraction a judgment of relationship potential that propels us into initiating a relationship Longterm attraction judgment of a relationship that makes us want to continue a relationship after initiating it This attraction sustains and maintains relationships Both types of attraction are based on several elements physical attractiveness charisma physical closeness similarity complementary needs positive outcomes and reciprocation also same level of attractiveness share attributes values and opinions I Kna O Experimenting a stage in the coming together part of napp s model of relationship development in which two people become acquainted by gathering information about each other O Small talk conversational interactions that are relaxed pleasant uncritical and casuaL D llTesting the watersquot Intensifying a stage in the coming together part of Knapp s model of relationship development in which the intimacy between the partners intensifies O Partners selfdisclose forms of address become more informal and people may use nicknames or terms of endearment to address one another Relational partners begin to speak in quotwequot and quotusquot terms O People begin to develop their own language based on private symbols and past experiences D Miss and her mother still say quotHmmmquot to each other because that s what Missy said when she was little to mean quotI want morequot O Marked by more direct statements of commitment in quotI am so happy being with youquot Integrating a stage in the coming together part of Knapp s model of relationship development in which the two partners form a clean identity as a couple Q Are treated as a unit by their social circlecircle of friends O They are invited to places together and information shared with one is expected to be shared with the other O Designate common property llour songquot buy a dog or move in together Bonding the final stage in the coming together part of Knapp s model of relationship development in which partners make a public commitment to their relationship O Bonding is easier in some types of relationship than in others such as heterosexual marriage D Includes commitment ceremonies for gay and lesbian couples naming ceremonies for new babies to welcome them to the family and initiation ceremonies to welcome new quotsisterquot or quotbrothersquot to sororities and fraternities pp s Stages Coming apart Differentiating the first stage in the coming apart section of Knapp s mode of relationship development in which two people begin to notice ways in which they differ Q Can involve or not involve conflict O People switch from we to II in this stage and talk more about themselves as individuals than as part of a couple O The start of a relationship s unraveling process Circumscribing a stage in the coming apart section of Knapp s model of relationship development in which two people s communication behaviors are restrained so that fewer topics are raised for fear of conflict more issues are out of bounds and they interact less I Co E Characterized by comments such as quotI don t want to talk about that anymore llLet s not go there and llt s none of your business If measures aren t taken to repair the situation sitting down and discussing what is wrong going to consoling on a vacation etc the relationship will enter the next step 0 Stagnating a stage in the coming apart in which circumscribing is extended so far that a couple no longer talks much except in the most routine ways D llThey already know what they will sayquot Imagined conversations a conversation with oneself in which one partner plays in a mental rehearsal Because of this people usually decide it s not worth the effort to engage in the conversation for real 9 Avoiding a stage in the coming apart in which two partners stay away from each other because they feel that being together is unpleasant O Make excuses why they can t see each other D llI m sorry I have to much work to go out with you tonightquot O They may vary their habits so they do not run into their partner as they used to O Partners where it is unable to physically get away from the other person simply ignore one another or make a tacit agreement to segregate their living quarters as much as possible Terminating the last stage in the coming apart in which a relationship is ending O Some relationships enter terminating almost immediately D Met a guy a party go through initiating and experimenting and then you decide you don t want to see them anymore so you more to terminating O Other relationships go through all or most of the stages before terminating O Some never terminate O Some terminate and then begin again D People remarry estranged friends reunite O Terminating can be simple llWe have to end this or very complicated llLet s talk about this Choices in Communicating in Close Relationships mmunication Skills for Beginning Relationships Networking finding out information about a person from a third party Offering putting ourselves in a good position for another to approach us in a social situation Approaching providing nonverbal signals that indicate we d like to initiate contact with another person such as going up to a person or smiling in that person s direction Sustaining behaving in a way that keeps initial conversation going such as asking questions Affinity Seeking emphasizing the commonalities we think we share with another person 9 Communication Skills for Maintaining Relationships 0 Some people focus all their attention on beginning a relationship They fail to realize that close relationship need attention and sometimes work to keep them functioning o Preventative Maintenance paying attention to our relationships even when they are not experiencing trouble Some relational maintenance behaviors include O Offering assurances O Expressing openness O Reflecting positivity O Sharing tasks O Including social networks I Supportiveness o Is conductive to maintaining relationships 0 Skillful communication is necessary to build a support climate O Make descriptive comments O Speak in provisional ways O Be more spontaneous O Strive for problem orientation rather than a control orientation O Empathy instead of neutrality O Establish equality than superiority I Using Humor 0 Serves a preventative maintenance function 0 Jokingkidding indictor of enjoyment o Promotes bonding and stress management 0 Brings people together 9 Communication Skills for Repairing Relationships 0 Relational transgressions negative behaviors in close relationship such as betrayals deceptions and hurtful comments 0 Corrective maintenance repairing a relationship when it runs into trouble O Repair skills are more difficult to implement than maintenance skills because repair involves correcting a problem I Metacommunication communication about communication 0 Partners need to address how to improve their communication I Mary tells her friend Mike that she doesn t like it when he raises his voice to her she is engaging in metacommunication Mike might respond that he raises his voice whenever he gets excited Mary can then tell him that she interprets it as anger I Apology a simply statement like quotI am really sorry 0 Can be accompanied by account an explanation for a transgression that may accompany an apology Chapter 11 Technology and Interpersonal Communication I Content aggregation the process of collecting online data from different and multiple sources to suit a particular need such as populating a search engine or preparing digital slides for a presentation o In a since you are collecting data from different and multiple sources to suit your needs O Large Aggregating occurs when large search engines aggregate content from other websites O Small you might aggregate information from a video website news stream and podcast for a classroom presentation I Convergence the integration of various technologies such as online radio or cell phones with cameras 0 We except technology to evolve so that they are more efficient and less cumbersome 0 Once people begin to use technology that technology not only becomes part of our vocabulary but also can affect the relationship we have with others and even our professional lives Technology has the potential to affect who we are what we do and how we interact with others I Computermediated communication CMC the use of various technologies to facilitate communication with others I Technological determinism a theory that states that technology is irreversible inevitable and inescapable 0 Remember that people have different technological fields of experience and not everyone has the same background I Characteristics of Communication Technology 9 Three characteristics I Pervasive o It is everywhere We cannot escape or ignore technology in our lives I Paradoxical o It is conflicting inconsistent and ironic 0 Global village the concept that communication technology ties the world into one political economic social and cultural system I Powerful o It influences events people and entire cultures Technology can affect how people think what they think about when they develop relationships and how they process their emotions with others I Jana using technology to inform her group members about her lack of time to get things done In this case because Jana uses technology to inform her group members of her dilemmas and because technology does not allow for nonverbal communication this will give rise to her group members reaching different conclusion about her I The Accessibility of Communication Technology 9 Accessibility refers to the availability of technology to everyone helps eliminate the technological gap that exists between people and cultural communities 9 l l i ii 0 If everyone does not have an understanding of an access to the same technologies problems with meaning will likely occur It will be difficult to achieve meaning in our conversations if others cannot understand us Q What you may take for granted in a text messagemay not be universally accepted or understood by another 0 Accessibility to communication technology has many benefits for interpersonal communication increases safety creates a sense of play and improves psychological wellbeing between and among people I The Internet Connecting Now I The Internet has been called the network of networks because of its embedded connections and because it has changed the way people work learn play and communicate 9 Web 10 and Web 20 I Web 10 the earliest incarnation of the World Wide Web which was used primarily as a storehouse of online information and tools that could be accessed to achieve and end such as finding a website emailing a friend or purchasing a product I Web 20 the latest incarnation of the World Wide Web which is increasingly used as means of interactivity and person expression establishing online communities sharing files and blogging exemplify I Blogs webcasts and access to news sources world wide I Ebay Yahoo and Amazoncom 0 Incorporates user engagement I The Dark Side of the Internet Proceed with Caution 9 Little Accountability I We shouldn t accept any information we find on the web at face value We should always think critically about it If we don t make ourselves accountable for determining a website s credibility we have the potential to be misguided misinformed and manipulated 0 Help with evaluating websites There are software programs that provide Internet filters to weed our potentially objectionable sites are now available 9 Fostering Hate I Some Websites affect you positively while others do not I Dark Side hate on the Internet and it is alive and proliferating I Hate Speech extremely offensive language that is directed toward a particular group of people I The Internet has fueled intolerance hatred and incivility to the extent that some hate groups now have immediate referent point in their antagonistic pursuits 9 Flaming I Flaming exchanging malicious hostile or insulting comments over the Internet may simply be an exercise of control over others or a bold attempt at aggression I quotRelationships with others online can get tense 9 Privacy Sacrificed I With people giving names addresses social security names among other things to get store discounts car loans mortgage approvals tollbooth easy lane passes and credit cards we have to forfeit a great deal of private information I Unwittingly we may be sacrificing our privacy O basically we put out a lot of information online that can be interceptedreadcopiedstolenseen by others to whom it isn t intended for it can also be a conversation taken out of context I The Bright Side of the Internet New Opportunities 9 Widening Your Social Network I You can widen your social circle tremendously in a short period of time something you CAN T do with facetoface communication I Computermediated communication allows individuals to seek our information and to develop their relationships Internet serves as a vehicle to secure information Informationseeking web users can facilitate online discussions CMC can aid in the maintenance and expansion of our relationships both romantic and professional It is llredefining how people engage in relationships of all types Being able to support others some communities are built and maintained online llWith technology individuals who were once strangers can become linked in ways unimagined prior to the Internetquot 9 Enhancing Your Educational Accessibility I Older generations are getting online too I Many people from employers to physicians maintain stereotypes of older adults including the belief that they are unable to adapt to new technology this not the case I The Presentation of the Self Online 9 Assumptions of Online Presentations of the Self I Assumption 1 The Computer Screen can Deceive When people are online they often pretend to be someone or something they are not Online dialogues t can lead to deceitful presentations Facetoface encounters make being deceitful much much tougher We can t lie about our biological sex I Assumption 2 Online Discussions Often Prompt Introspection We engage in internal dialogue We reflect on both the message and our response to that message Facetoface communication does not allow for introspection and selfdialogue I Assumption 3 Online Discussions Promote SelfOrientation We tend to value our way of doing things Work on and with the computer is essentially a personal endeavor We search our people websites and chat rooms in which we are interested We make a choice whether we wish to respond or not respond to someone contacting us Because we have no physical proximity we are not compelled to interact People interact at their own convenience o In Facetoface communication we typically are collaborative and the communication is much more different People cannot avoid the transactional nature of communication I Assumption 4 SelfDisclosure Occurs Online 0 The process of revealing aspects of yourself to another is not confined to facetoface communication thus people disclose a lot about themselves almost at a premium I 0 We are inclined to give people important pieces of information about ourselves thus increasing intimacy o Facetoface conversations can be dramatically different We have to contend with facial reactions we are asked to clarify our thoughts or disclosures we simply can t turn the other people loff 9 Identity Markers on the Internet 0 Identity marker an electronic extension that communicates a person s identity such as a screen name or a personal home page I Screen Names I Personal Home Pages 0 Personal home pages present a number of features that depict who the person is such as information on personal hobbies and genealogy photographs of the person and his or her family members friends pets and home and links to groups with advocacy causes or contacts 0 llPeople strategically present themselves in a certain way on their personal web pagesquot I Communication Technology and Relation Maintenance 9 The Electronic and FacetoFace Relationship 0 I39 39 39gthehighly 39 quot 39r Iofanonlinerelationship 9 The quotLanguagequot of Online Relationships I Abbreviated Language shorthand used for efficient communication in online relationships 0 One challenge both the sender and the receiver have to understand the abbreviations Also abbreviated language does not always lead to shared meaning I Graphic Accents 0 Articon a graphic image used in an electronic message that can be downloaded from a website or compiled from keyboard characters An articon may or may not be used to communicate emotion I AIA cat I Blogging 9 Social Networking Beyond the Keyboard I Social Networking linking individuals and communities who share common interests activities and ideas through such online websites as Facebook or MySpace 0 Myspace 0 Facebook I Choices for Improving Online Communication Skills 9 Sender Skills for Electronic Messages I Be Succinct When Necessary l 0 Organize your thoughts before sending a message 0 Learn to abbreviate your thoughts 0 The longer the message the more the receiver will be inclined to emphasize parts of your message that may not deserve such attention 0 Stay on point Write Literally 0 We must be pr cising in our words to others electronic or facetoface this helps avoid ambiguous thoughts 0 Electronic messages have no lfacial reactions or lbody moments so it s important to be as clean as possible when sending a message so that it is less likely to be misinterpreted Stay Polite 0 Remember after we write something mean or offensive we can t take it back Take a Deep Breath 0 Think about what you want to write before you actually write it and press lsend 0 Reflect on your message Reread it Receiver Skills for Electronic Messages I Check In with the Sender o The receiver should always make sure that what he or she is responding to is what the sender intended 0 Checking in may be asking the sender to clarify llWhat do you meanquot I Show Empathy When Possible 0 FacetoFace Empathy may include hugging or highfiving 0 Electronic Empathy includes articons to express how you feel about the situation in conjunction with words that show how you feel I llI m sorry quot I Listen beyond the Words 0 When you listen to others online you need to read between the lines to figure out the intention emotion and intuition remember not to put lto much detail to words If you do that may cause you to come to an inaccurate conclusion Sender and Receiver Skills for Electronic Messages I Taking Responsibility for Your Own Words 0 We need to take responsibility for what we read and write 0 When communicating online this language ownership becomes important when we consider that the written word has the power to be permanent 0 Consider reflecting before you write and try not to cast blame on another for the words you chose to use I Build Your Dialogue I Recall the Challenge of Online Communication 0 Both senders and receivers of electronic messages must always remember that this type of communication is frequently ambiguous and fraught with misinterpretation Be careful when it comes to using abbreviations that are not universally understood Think before stating to soon Don t assume that your words will be taken as your intended Lecture Friendships Those quotvoluntaryquot relationships They go through stages 9 l 1 Role Limited Reaction somewhatlike the initiating stage I Vary quotbeginningquot conversations I Finding out more I Basic I Follow social rules 2 Friendly Relations like Experimenting I Start to share a little bit more about ourselves I More detail I Goal to see if there is something that relates even lmore 3 Moving Toward Friendship I Start to quotcarve out time to spend time with one another same TV show like the same movies so go to one type thing 4 Nascent Friendship I Start to consider ourselves as quotfriendsquot I Start to talk about the other person as your friend 5 Stabilizing Friendship like Integrating I quotWe are friends and other people notice it as well I Other people talk about you being friends 6 Waning Friendships I Drift apart 0 Don t talk or selfdisclose as much like CircumscribingStagnating I Going to wane for different reasons 0 Drift Predictableboring Trust big issue Competing demands Personal changes Geographic distance n BOOOOOO D Sexual attraction I We sometimes take our relationships for granted and not put as much work in them because they are the first choice we make I Friends will needs I We rely on friends I We feel like we belong whenever we have friends I We value time with them I We think about one another not selfish I Honesty and trust 6 you selfdisclose I Acknowledge life differences Romantic Relation I Committed romantic relationships 9 4 Dimensions of Romantic Relationships I 1Degree of Passion very intense positive feelings I 2Commitment belief of a future to look towards the future I 3Intimacy feeling of closeness o This connection happens through selfdisclosure I 4LOVE intense feeling of liking Different Types of Love 9 Primary I Eros o passionate powerful quick burns out quickly too 0 Usually sexual in nature I Storage 0 Comfortable steadily 0 Not many ups and downs o quotdramafreequot I Ludus o Playful o Flirt 0 Not as quotseriousquot fun 0 quotplaying the game of lovequot 9 Secondary I Pragma Storage Ludus 0 Practical 0 Play the game until we find someone who meets our criteria then we ll be practical I Ex Religious I Mania Eros Ludus o Playful passionate o Intense I Ex Spring Break love I Agapa Eros Storage 0 quotunconditional love that is always with usquot 0 Powerful not stops I Ex The way a parent loves a child Stages ofa Committed Romantic Relationship 9 Growth I Individuals 0 We must know who we are Invitational Communication Initiating Stage 0 Talk with people 0 No real selfdisclosure I Environmental Spoiler attracted to another person until they open their mouth I Exploration Communication Experimenting Stage 0 Start to selfdisclose commonalities I Intensifying Communication Intensifying Stage 0 Start to see difference 0 Special communicationintimate language I Nick names and lwords and phrases only the other will understand I Commitment Bonding Stage 0 Public declaration of togetherness Navigation what we do to maintain relationship I Relational Culture 0 We create private rulesregulations which can be made by quotjust happening or discussion I Placemaking 0 We make quotroomquot in our lives for that other person physically andor emotionally I Everyday Interaction 0 quotEverydayquot communication in which you talk and catch up Deteriation quotfall apartquot I Dyadia Breakdown Differentiating Stage 0 Notice change in communication I quotwe don t communicate like we use toquot I ntraphysic Phase 0 Start to think about dyadia breakdowns and wonder what it means I Dyadic Phase 0 Go to person and talk about changes in communication addressing concern I Social Support 0 Talk to people outside relationship I Grave Dressings Terminating Stage 0 Relationship is ending 0 quotMourningquot that relationship is endingends We see dramatic differences in communication more and more change I Lecture lBased on Chapter 11 9 In face to face communicationencounters being deceitful is more difficult Synchronous Vs Asynchronous I Syn same time I Asyn not synchronized beforeafter exchange Level of Selfdisclosure Individuality vs Collaboration 9 Are there things we shouldn t communicate online s CMC good or bad for interpersonal relationships Challenges to Online Communication I Abbreviated I Meaning can be misinterpreted I lTMI 0 We all have different comfort levels I Flaming online lroad rage I Social Networking Identity Construction and Privacy I Social Networking Linking individuals and communities who share common interests activities and ideas through such online websites as Facebook or MySpace Signaling Theory theory that proposes that people have qualities they wish to present to others There are parts of us we want people to seeknow about I We make these choices constantly I We craft an identity online in a way we can t face I This can get complicated for some people I We can t assume accuracy I Ethics We can assume the information is there forever I Ex tagging others in photos and videos or writing on someone s wall We must be caring selective and take responsibility Lecture Family Relationships Types of Families and Their Relationships Nuclear Family quottraditionalquot O Basic family with a llparents children petquot Blended Family O Parents plus a mixture of children from a different relationship D That s how there are halfsistersbrothers stepsistersbrothers I Ex Brady Bunch Single Parent O One parent doing primary involvement with children while the other is not involved D Actively or not actively LiveIn Family Q Can be like the lother three types but there are NO BONDS OF MARRIAGE Integrated O People of different backgrounds coming together and getting married O Normally the differences we look at Boomerang O llthe child goes away but then comes back D Going away to school goes to get a job loses job and has to move back in with parents O Has been on a high because of hard economic times Commuter O One member of the family who is gone a lot of the time from the family dynamic Family Structure and Rule Influences 1 Roles Prescribed behavior People play different roles 9 2 ResponsibilitiesRules People know what they are supposed to do O Ex Chores llwhatever mom says goes We communicate what is supposed to happen Some things we just know Makes things sometimes a little challenging 3 Power Structure Positional position of authority the person has in the family allows them power O Ex llWell I m the mom and said soquot Personal individual that is able to influence O Ex llbaby brother has power to control family or llloudest person to complain 9 4 Decision Making I Consensus family quottalksquot through what s going on understand and come up with an overall answer I Accommodation family accommodates a member of the family O Ex having to leave the park whenever the baby starts to get cranky for a nap I Defacto one person makes the decision for family 0 Often happens by positional power O Ex lldriver deciding where to eatquot 9 Systems I Families share a past present and future I Family members depend on one another I There are things we rely on interdependent I What happens to one person happens to all I Can t really separate communication from family structure I The communication gets its meaning from nonverbal and verbal communication I Triangles subsystems within systems Parent llOne parent deals with both children Ex yelling at you for no reason but your sibling Ex llplaying the parentsquot asking the Child other parent if the one you asked said no Child Child Parent Parent Sibling Ex llsibling rivalry Sibling Sibling Family Life Cycles I Life span communication how communication of a family creates over time Stages of Life Span Communication 9 l l l 1 Young andor Not Married Without Children Families with Preschoolers I Birth to preschool child I Needs and wants change to now focus on child I Changes in communication 0 From us to lthe child Families with School Aged Kids I Children now spend more time at school so parents have a little more of themselves I Children are busy I Ex llsoccer practice Families with Adolescence I Children can take care of themselves 0 llthey can handle themselves parent free time Launching Families I Ultimately trying to get children ready to start families I Child moves out I Parentchild communication lessens 0 Makes a big change Empty Nest I What happens to families after quotchildrenquot are gone I Back to talking about yourself 0 Sad for some 0 a lot ofdivorce happens Retirement I Communication llcompletely changes I It s hard for parents to find space from each other Overall changes in communication amount topic and how I We are trying to decide O Productive Communication good O Dysfunction Communication bad I Lecture Work Relationships I To get an understanding of how people communicate in a work environment Work Hierarchy isn t always the case I Network Analysis I Questioning to see llsnap shotquot of actual communication of connections and relationships that are being build I Network Star network person who has the most connections the most information I Ex CEO s secretary I Outliers person who has very few work connections 0 Normally the IT people who build programs etc 0 Because they spend so much time with themselves they do not have very many work connections like someone who is more sociol would have I Work Messages I Tasks talks about work and what we need to do to get job done I Maintenance Messages messages we use to form relationships I Human Relations message of praise and motivation I Work Relationships I Superior Subordinate how boss communicates with employees how the employees communicate with the boss and the relationships that are built 0 Different bosses communicate differently I Ex some personal some notso personal I Customer Relations relatively new 0 Employees with talk about company 0 Each employee is a lcustomer relationship guru 0 Resolution bosses with educate employees I LSU sending emails to get people to support LSU during budget cuts I CoWorkerPeer Relations 0 We spend most of our time speaking with them 0 Maintenance happens here o Is with people who are about the same level as yourself O Informational Peers task based messages O Collegial Peers talk about job but also selfdisclose O Special Peers are relationships that start at work but move beyond work I Ex quitting work but remaining friends with your coworkers I lThe Office Romance I 7 to 8 million of people each year are involved in office romances I 50 end in marriagecommitted relationship I Companies allow it Why O People work hard Whenever someone finds romance they enjoy their work more I How does this happen 0 Proximity close Interpersonal similarities we both like numbers Romantic Attraction people do llfall in lovequot at work 0 Convenience O 40 hours of a week doesn t leave much free time to look for someone 0 Safety factor office screening process O llsafer with people who have gone through the same process 0 Arousing O Successful people are sexy I Quinn tried to understand office romantic 9 3 Motivators I Love llhead over heels I Ego llwork hard deserve itquot I Job llto get ahead I 3 Types O Sincere Love honestly in love I Companies don t mind this type of love O Fling motivated by ego I Quick can t really be proven so companies can t really investigate Unless it s a boss or you are married you sign a morality clause O Utilitarian can get you in trouble I Ego job I quotsomeone believes this can get them to the topquot I Can cross over into lsexual harassment I Types of Sexual Harassment o Quid Pro Quo O Most familiar O llTrade sex for benefit using sex in a threat 0 Hostile Environment 1 O Any UNWANTED sexual tension conversation environment O Perception issue O Must be a pattern Q Can be difficult to prove CMST 2010 Test 3 0 Lecture Listening 0 External obstacles I Informationlmessage overload message is too complex to follow 39 N i5e 0 Types of feedback I Positive letting them know you understand amp to keep going I Negative you do not understand I Person lll m so sorry that happened to youquot I Message quotI really agree with youquot I Immediate immediate response I Delayed texting someone back hours later I Lowmonitoring honest may regret later I Highmonitoring carefully constructed I Supportive supporting the speaker I Critical disagree 0 Ways to rememberrecall I Recording write it down I Regeat quotMy name s Kelsiequot llHey Kelsiequot I Reorganize ex HOMES to remember the Great Lakes 0 Internal obstacles I Lack of listening skills 0 Culture 0 Hofstede39s dimensions cultural variability theory I Uncertainty avoidance how well cultures tolerate change US Sweden Britain Denmark Ireland low because we accept change welleasily Greece Chile Portugal Japan France high I Power distance different perceptions of power some countries power comes from position ex king CEO etc power is a give amp take if you don t submit to someone they have no power I Masculinelfeminine masculine is competitive feminine is more focused on a quality of life US masculine I Individualisticlcollective do we look at ourselves or as a culturegroup as a whole US individualistic 0 French and Raven39s power a l 0 Chapter 6 Reward promise of something great if you do what I say quotdo well in school you can have a prizequot Coercive threat of a punishment quotclean your room or you re groundedquot M someone has a skill or level of expertise amp that s where they get their influence professor knows more about subject than student Legitimate influence from position quotbecause I m the mother amp I said soquot Referent peer pressure ingroups influencing outgroup s Persuasive some people are just damn good at communicating amp can persuade people Jili 39E V Effective Listening 0 Difference between listening 8 hearing Hearing The physical process of letting in audible stimuli without focusing on it Listening The dynamic transactional process of receiving recalling rating and responding to stimuli messages or both Working memog theog A theory that states that we can pay attention to several stimuli and simultaneously store stimuli for future reference When we organize the stimuli we have to link it to previous experiencesinformation to match it to the current stimuli Listening is dynamic because it is an active and ongoing way of demonstrating you are involved in an interpersonal encounter it is transactional because both the sender amp receiver are active agents in the process it is a twoway street showing that we are listening is a necessary but insufficient way to maintain relationships we need to be shown that they know we are listening 0 4 parts of listening 4 R39s Receiving the verbal and nonverbal acknowledgement of a message 0 Hearingphysical part 0 Mindless being unaware of the stimuli around us sometimes necessary because if we paid attention to every single thing we would be overwhelmed in our communication activities 0 Our shortterm memory 220 seconds affects this process 0 Mindfulness we are paying close attention to the stimuli around us requires us to be engaged with another person as he or she communicates some stimuli perceived as unimportant could be beneficial like listening to the rain to reduce stress 0 To improve eliminate unnecessary noises amp physical barriers to listening try not to interrupt the perception of a message 39 Responding Providing observable feedback to a sender s message 0 Letting someone know you re listening 0 Suggests the transactional nature of the interpersonal communication process critical in achieving interpersonal meaning 0 Happens during and after a conversation 0 Verbal and nonverbal 0 Good listeners maintain frequent eye contact display an open body position and paraphraserestate relevant statements 0 Poor listeners jump to conclusions talk about only themselves display closed body position interrupt 0 To improve adopt the other s point of view significant when communicating with people with different cultural backgrounds take ownership in your wordsideas don t confused what you say with what the other person says don t assume your thoughts are universal 39 Recalling Understanding a message storing it for future encounters and remembering it later 0 We usually get the main points but forget specifics 0 Immediate shortterm or longterm varies 0 Can be very challenging when money ampor friendship is involved 0 To improve repeat information to clarify terms amp provide yourself an immediate confirmation of whether the intended message was received accurately use of mnemonic devices ex MADD abbreviations PETA acronyms chunking placing pieces of information into manageable and retrievable sets 39 Rating Evaluating or assessing a message 0 Whether something is important or not effort 0 We rate messages on three levels 0 Whether or not we agree with the message 0 We place the message in context 0 We evaluate whether the message has value to us 0 Rating a message from another s field of experience allows us to distinguish amongfa Werifiable made only after direct observation inferencesfill in a conversations quotmissing pieces amp require listeners to go beyond what was observed andoginions undergo changes over time based on a communicator s beliefs or values which are critical in evaluating a message 0 To improve detect speaker bias be prepared to change your position on the subject become flexible in your thinking o The Importance of Listening We listen for 39 f advice cultural 39 quot ampto help others Listening is essential to our relationships with others whether they are coworkers family members friends or other important people in our lives Listening is used at least 3 times as much as speaking and 4 times as much as reading and writing Employers rank listening as the most important skill on the job Good listening is considered the doorway to leadership for every executive manager and supervisor Employees spend 30 of their time listening managers spend 60 and executives spend 75 of more Listening has been called a 21St century skill because it is now more important than ever before due to new technology and business practices Errors in listening can influence worker productivity Good listening skills are also valuable in successful medical students Medical practitioners conduct about 150000 medical interviews in a 40 year career Doctor patient relationships where listening is identified as paramount is pivotal in health care Many physicians are being assessed on their listening skills for fear of malpractice suits Effective listening is associated with more positive teacher student relationships Many family conflicts can be resolved by listening more effectively In our friendships the intimacy level between two friends is directly related to the listening skills brought into the relationship American Sign Language is the third most popular language in the United States after English and Spanish it is a visual rather than auditory form of communication about 500000 people communicate in this form in the United States and Canada alone it is seen as a natural communication method for visual learners who are not hearing impaired o Barriers Noise 0 Anything that interferes with the messages 0 Can be physical semantic andor psychological noise 0 Physical anywhere printer running at work music in a bar 0 Semantic receiver fails to grasp the intended meaning 0 Psychological sender ampor receiver have biasesprejudices 0 Example Marcy tries to listen to Nick s comments but his racist words cause her to stop listening I Message Overload The result when senders receive more messages than they can process Multitasking the simultaneous performance of two or more tasks The average worker in the US handles about 200 messages in one day amp spends nearly 50 minutes a day managing email alone Telecommuting is now commonplace with 40 million corporate employees spending at least one day a week away from the office working from their homes Example As a receptionist for a church Carmen s daily tasks include reading about 20 emails listening to about 10 voicemails opening about 50 pieces of mail and answering about 40 phone calls When the minister approaches her with advice on how to organize the church picnic Carmen s message overload interferes with receiving the minister s words accurately I Message Complexity Messages we receive that are filled with details unfamiliar language and challenging arguments Example Dr Jackson tells her patient Mark that his llsystematic diagnosis has prevented any followupquot Mark tunes out because he doesn t understand what she means Many people in technical professions computing engineering biological sciences etc are beginning to change their explanations to respond to different types of people to avoid this barrier I Lack of Training Listening is a learned activity but only a few colleges actually offer courses on the topic Example Jamie is asked to supervise a task force at work He has never taken a course on communication and he does not have any formal training in listening He struggles with wanting to listen to the group and wishes he better understood how to listen I Preoccupation When we are preoccupied we are thinking about our own life experiences and everyday troubles Conversational narcissism engaging in an extreme amount of self focusing during a conversation to the exclusion of another person Preoccupation can also result from focusing on the technology in front of us like being on the phone and typing at the same time Example As Sara talks with Kevin a coworker she tries to listen to him talk about his job but she is thinking about what time she will need to leave work to get to her little brother s graduation that evening Sara also continues to search the Web to find her lastminute graduation gift Listening Gap The time difference between our mental ability to interpret words and the speed at which they arrive at our brain We speak an average rate of 150200 words per minute yet understand up to 800 words per minute so we think 34 times faster than we talk When we have a large listening gap we may daydream doodle or allow our minds to wander which may cause us to miss the essence of a message from the sender Closing the listening gap can be challenging even for the most attentive listeners Example As Loretta tells her grandkids how she and her husband met the 6 and 7 year olds grow impatient and tell their grandma to hurry up Poor Listening Habits Selective Listening Responding to some parts of a message amp rejecting others also called spot listening 0 We typically listen to parts of a message that interest us 0 Problematic when jurors listen to a witness s testimony one may only listen to where one may only listen to why they were there This prevents them from receiving all relevant information about the crime 0 To overcome embrace the entire message Talkaholism o Talkaholic A compulsive talker who hogs the conversational stage and monopolizes encounters interrupts conversation flow and do not listen because they never quit talking 0 To overcome become otheroriented Pseudolistening o Pseudolisten To pretend to listen by nodding our heads looking at the speaker smiling at appropriate times or practicing other kinds of attention feigning o The classroom is a classic location for this 0 To overcome Center attention to speaker Gap Filling 0 Gap fillers Listeners who think they can correctly guess the rest of the story a speaker is telling and don t need the speaker to continue frequently interrupt which may alter the message and it may lose its meaning 0 To overcome Fill gap by mentally summarizing message Defensive Listening viewing innocent comments as personal attacks or hostile criticisms 0 To overcome Keep selfconcept in check 0 Ambushing listening carefully to a message and then using the information later to attack the sender o Ambushers want to retrieve information to discredit or manipulate another person 0 Routine in politics divorce attorneys 0 To overcome Play fair in conversations 0 Styles of Listening I Listening 5er predominant and preferred approach to listening to the messages we hear I Peoplecentered listening associated with concern for other people39s feelings or emotions 0 Try to compromise and find common areas of interest less apprehensive in groups meetings and interpersonal situations than other types of listeners quickly notice others moods and provide clear verbal and nonverbal feedback Actioncentered listening associated with listeners who want messages to be highly organized concise and errorfree 0 Help speakers focus on what is important in the message want speakers to get to the point get impatient when people tell stories in a disorganizedrandom fashion 0 Secondguess question the assumptions underlying a message speakers which makes them develop an alternative explanation which they view as more realistic 0 Clearly tell others that they want unambiguous feedback I Contentcentered listening associated with listeners who focus on the facts and details of a message 0 Consider all sides of an issue and welcome complex and challenging information from a center may intimidate others by asking pointed questions or by discounting information from those the listener deems to be nonexperts likely to play devil s advocate in conversations many attorneys and others in legal professions likely favor this style of listening in theirjobs I Timecentered listening associated with listeners who want messages to be presented succinctly 0 Discourage wordy explanations and set time guidelines for conversations quotI only have 5 minutes to talkquot some constantly check their watches or abruptly end encounters with others I Our listening style is often based on our cultural background 0 Culture and the Listening Process I Individualistic cultures value direct communication or speaking one s mind Some collectivistic cultures such as Japan respect others words desire harmony and believe in conversational politeness Not saying no means yes 0 Differences in feedback direct or indirect may affect message meaning Listening variations across cultures affect the ability to be an effective sales person 0 French listen for information 0 Arab countries listening is done for knowhow or for gain 0 Germany do not ask for clarification asking to repeat is impolite and disrespectful Cultures vary in their value systems so listening remains critical in the various cultural communities To become a better listener with individuals from various cultures 0 Don t expect everyone else to adapt to your way of communication 0 Accept new ways of receiving messages 0 Wait as long as possible before merging another s words into your words don t define the world on your terms 0 Seek clarification when possible 0 Chapter 3 Communication Culture amp Identity 0 DefiningCulture Culture The shared personal and learned life experiences of a group of individuals who have a common set of values standards amp what is emphasized most norms patterns of communication and traditions customs ofa culture Culture is learned 0 We learn it through the communication of symbols for meaning we learn consciously and unconsciously we learn directly being taught and indirectly observing 0 In the US our family friends and the media are the primary teachers ofour culture 0 Example Dating 0 New Zealand uncommon to exclusively date unless he or she has gone out with the person in a group of friends first romantic relationships begin in groups exclusiveness only occurs once the couple makes longterm relationship plans 0 United States exclusive dating does not have to be preceded by group interactions and many people in exclusive dating relationships here haven t made long term plans Enculturation occurs when a person either consciously or unconsciously learns to identify with a particular culture and a culture s thinking way of relating and worldview firstculture learning 0 Allows for successful participation in a particular society and makes a person more accepted by that society 0 This begins within a family or close relationships typically Acculturation occurs when a person learns adapts to and adopts the appropriate behaviors and rules of a host culture secondculture learning 0 These individuals have effectively absorbed themselves into another society I Culture creates community Community common understandings among people who are committed to coexisting Coculture a culture within a culture 0 Each community has unique communication behaviors and practices but also subscribe to behaviors and practices embraces by the larger US culture Cultureclash a conflict over cultural expectations and experiences 0 These aren t always bad having the opportunity to view a situation from a different pointofview can be productive I Culture is multileveled We assume that people of the same national background share many things that bind them in a common culture language values norms and traditions Cultures can be formed on other levels such as generation sexual identity gender race and region Ex in the United States llMidwesternersquot llNew Englandersquot Coculture can be developed around a certain age cohort 0 Depression Babies of the 1930 s financial struggle 0 Flower children of the 1960 s prosperous times 0 As people age they find it hard to abandon many of the values they learned during childhood 0 Relational culture interpersonal relationship is characterized by a unique system of communication including nicknames joint storytelling inside jokes and code words 0 Diversity in the US Diversity affects family structure corporations religious institutions schools and the media Native peoples were the first cultural group in the United States Latinos are the fastest growing cultural group in the United States 1996 English Language Empowerment Act attempt to make English the official language of the US failed 2007 Migration Policy Institute 911 attacks prompted security concerns about llillega We now live in a country with expanding cultural variability In immigration Learning how to communicate effectively with members of different cultures is a hallmark of a thoughtful and effective communicator 0 Why Study Intercultural Communication Technological imperative 0 Recent technological changes increase opportunities for intercultural communication like eBay 0 Example Email is facilitation communication between and among cultures The internet facilitates crosscultural understanding of societies around the world Demographic imperative 0 Example The influx ofimmigrants from Mexico Russia and Vietnam has changed the workforce in the United States Economic imperative 0 Global village the concept that all societies regardless of their size are connected in some way also describes how communication technology ties the world into one political economic social and cultural system 0 The US depends on other countries for its economic stability 0 Outsourcing a practice in which a nation sends work and workers to a different country because doing so is cost efficient this represents globalization 0 Example The global market has prompted overseas expansion of US 39 Business 39 and U intercultural understanding practices require Peace imperative 0 Learning about other cultures aids in understanding conflicting points of view perhaps resulting in a more peaceful world 0 Example Resolution of world conflicts such as those in the Middle East requires cultural understanding I Selfawareness imperative o Worldviews can help you understand your llplace and space in society 0 When we have a clear understanding of who we are and what forces brought us to our current state we can begin to understand others worldviews ex sexual identity Example Self reflection of cultural biases aids in cultural sensitivity Understanding personal worldviews promotes cultural awareness I Ethical imperative Consider that in Chinese culture boys are valued more than girls and parents are required by Chinese policy to only have one child which results in the option to abandon a female child or give it up for adoption to try for a boy 0 Example Cultural values are frequently difficult to understand and accept We have an ethical obligation to appreciate the cultural variations in dating marriage and intimacy 0 Dimensions of Culture Pgs 9195 I Cultural variabiliy theog a theory that describes the four value dimensions individualismcollectivism uncertainty avoidance power distance masculinityfemininity that offer information regarding the value differences in a particular culture I Refer to Listening lecture on Pg 1 of Study Guide for 4 value dimensions 0 Challenges of Intercultural I Ethnocentrism judging another culture using the standards of our own culture 0 The belief in the superiority of your own culture 0 May exaggerate differences and usually prevent intercultural understanding 0 Example Ed s in China and doesn t know that silence means agreement his inability to look beyond his own Western view of silence I Stereotyping I Anxietyuncertainty 0 We may be anxious or uncertain when introduced to people who speak look amp act differently than we do 0 lngroup a group to which a person feels he or she belongs 0 Outgroup a group to which a person feels he or she does not belong 0 Being a member of either an ingroup or an outgroup influences our degree of comfort in intercultural communication 0 Example a gay couple meeting some who is accepting of homosexuality vs someone who is not I Misinterpretation of nonverbal and verbal behaviors o Cultures that encourage talking and introducing yourself upon meeting vs cultures that value silence 0 Though some Italians might gesture more than people from the United states in general not all Italians use expansive gestures 0 Words used from one generation to the next like smooching or necking vs kissing I The assumption of similarity or difference 0 Assuming similarity fails to appreciate difference and assuming difference fails to appreciate cultural commonalities 0 Things practiced in the United States are not practiced everywhere just like things practiced in other cultures are not practiced here 0 Choices for Intercultural Understanding I Know your biases and stereotypes 0 Avoid imposing predispositions and prejudices on others but admit that we are all biased and ethnocentric to some extent 0 Facing your biases and fears or anxieties is an essential first step toward intercultural effectiveness 0 Remember that no culture can claim superiority 0 Ask yourself 0 What have I done to prepare myself for intercultural conversations 0 Do I use language that is biased or potentially offensive to people from different cultures 0 What is my reaction to people who use offensive words or phrases while describing cultural groups am I silent If so do I consider my silence problematic o How have my perceptions and biases been shaped By the media By school By talking to others 0 Understand dated and misguided views of others that have falsely shaped our impressions of other cultures I Tolerate the unknown 0 Romanian kiss both sides of cheeks to greet someone 0 Japanese may not shake hand upon meeting 0 Christian people who do not believe in God are uninformed 0 Some cultural behavior is simply different than yours 0 If you encounter a cultural unknown think about asking questions about a particular custom practice or behavior I Practice cultural respect No one culture can claim superiority over others in terms of knowing llthe right way to solve work problems raise children and manage interpersonal relationships Cultural imperialism process whereby individuals companies andor the media impose their way of thinking and behaving upon another culture belittling another culture Cultural empathy the learned ability to accurately understand the experiences of people from diverse cultures and to convey that understanding responsively Developing cultural respect involves trying to look at a culture from the inside trying to understand what it s like to be a member of another culture Cultural relativiy the ability to avoid judging or condemning any practice in which any other culture engages Educate yourself Reading about other cultures will give you a backdrop for future reference and will allow you to discover more about your own culture as well Learn about cultures through others talk to people who represent another race religion nationality or other cultural groups Visit internet sites dedicated to cocultural issues Don t accept everything written about culture and communication as truth Be rigorous in your reading and tentative in your acceptance Be willing to seek out all available information that is based on both research and personal experience Be prepared for consequences Despite trying to be thoughtful and considerate of other cultures the conversation can still go bad Work toward preempting potential problems Relate to the individual not the culture There are variations within cultures and cocultures not all Christians have the same beliefs not all elderly people sit around and play Scrabble People s communication behaviors and skills can vary tremendously within cultures some cultures use a lot of personal space in conversations while others don t some are direct and forthright in their dialogues while others are more reserved some people are willing to share personal tragedies while others aren t 0 Remind yourself that not all members of a certain culture act like and talk alike so that you know to focus on the person and not the group to which they belong I Reevaluate and eliminate your prejudices 0 Know evaluate and rid yourself of your prejudices and biases 0 Don t let the media form your prejudices and biases 0 Chapter 9 Communicating Conflict 0 Defining Conflict I Interpersonal conflict the interaction of interdependent people who perceive incompatible and interference from each other in achieving those goals 0 Interaction a necessary condition for conflict given that conflicts are created and sustained through verbal and nonverbal communication 0 O O Happens between people crying yelling frowning This is where one person must make the other person aware that they are angry Selective perception is a central dynamic in conflict interactions 0 Interdependence a necessary condition for conflict given that people involved in conflict rely on each other need each other and are in a relationship with each other 0 0 Justin amp Louise meet at a party amp don t agree vs they are dating amp have a disagreement People rank conflicts with others one of the most critical stressors they experience We share the best amp worst times with one person a best friend who you at some point get in a big fight with Interdependence is the main reason that conflict is a natural and inevitable part of life the more we rely on another the more potential there is for observing differences and being affected by them 0 Perception the psychological process involved in sensing meaning 0 O Misunderstandings can cause a misperception and ultimately conflict People judge themselves and their conversational partners based on how well they communicate and how successful they are in reaching their conversational goals People s perceptions of competency during the conflict directly affected the relationship 0 Incompatible Goals 0 Example One person wants to go to the beach the other wants to stay home and barbeque because their goals are compatible they will engage in conflict 0 Types of Conflict I Image con ict a conflict with another about one s sense of oneself 0 Example quotMom why do you still treat me like a child when I m 22 years old quotMarilyn you are always going to be my little girlquot llThat s ridiculous you have to let me grow upquot I Content con icts a conflict that revolves around an issue also called a substantive conflict 0 Public issue an issue outside a relationship that can cause a content conflict 0 Example debating whether Bill Clinton was a good president or not 0 Personal issue an issue related to a relationship that can cause a content conflict 0 Example Stan complaining that Frank has no time to hang out with him anymore because he is always with his new girlfriend I Value conflicts a conflict in which the content is specifically about a question of right and wrong 0 Disagreements about war in Iraq abortion or capital punishment are value conflicts I Relational conflict I Serial conflicts 0 Myths and Factors Influencing Communication Patterns in Conflict Dark Side I Bullying a particular form of conflict in which the abuse is persistent and the O 0 person being bullied finds it very difficult to defend himself or herself I Violence or aggression Bright Side Explaining Conflict Relationship Between Conflict and Power 0000 Choices for Conflict Management 0 Race and Gender 0 Race 8 Ethnicity I Race I Phenoypes I Ethniciy I Stereotypes I Social cognition I Stereoype maintenance I Discrimination O O 0 Code switching Gender Sex and Sexuality Gender Biological sex Human sexualiy Gendered Language Masculine Feminine Genderlects Gender Listening Gender Socialization 8 Problematic Language 0 Lecture Conflict 0 Components of Conflict O O O 0 Types Expressed disagreement in order to have conflict the other person must know you are angry Interdependence Need to resolve there must be a need to resolve the conflict at hand Simple Pseudocon ict a misunderstanding that s not really a conflict Ego Conflict process Prior conditions what s leading up to the conflict Frustration awareness letting them know you are angry Active conflict Resolution coming to an agreement or agreeing to disagree Follow up making sure everything is okay Big Fight Communication before and during the first big fight in a relationship The way you settlecommunicatemanage the first big fight determines a code of conduct throughout the duration of the relationship Game Theory the amount of risk a person is willing to accept Winlwin both are silent so they both get least amount of time in jail Winllose one or the other tells amp gets out ahead amp the other loses Losellose both tell so they both get more time in jail Thomas and ilman 5 Ways to Manage Conflict Avoidance low concern for self amp others loselose Accommodation low concern for self high concern for others losewin Competition high concern for self low concern for others losewin Compromise middle concern for self amp others loselose 39 Collaboration high concern for self amp others winwin What are some ways online communication differs from face to face communication o In facetoface encounters being deceitful is more difficult o Synchronous communication facetoface you don t pause same time vs asynchronous communication waiting to reply not synchronized beforeafter exchange 0 Level of selfdisclosure more selfdisclosure online 0 Individuality online vs collaboration facetoface What NOT to communicate online 0 Breaking up with your girlfriend or boyfriend s computer mediated communication good or bad for interpersonal relationships 0 Research is still out on this question many different beliefs Challenges to online communication 0 Abbreviated language 0 Meaning can be misinterpreted o Emoticons can be misinterpreted o TMI 0 Flaming Social networking Identity construction amp Privacy 0 Social networking linking individuals and communities of people who share interests activities andor ideas Signaling theory 0 People have specific qualities that they wish to present to others there are parts of us we want people to seeknow about We make these choices constantly We can craft identity online in a way that we can t facetoface This can get complicated for some people 0000 We can t assume that what we see or read about someone online is accuratetrue or that s the full story Ethics When tagging others in photos and videos Writing on someone s Facebook wall Once online we can assume the information is out there forever Care and selectivity 0000 Take responsibility April 28 2011 0 Types of family relationships 0 O O O 0 Family 0 O 0 Nuclear family traditional basic what we expect mom dad children dogcat Blended family mixture of children from different relationships mother who was previously married and had children amp a father who was previously married amp have children step brothers step sisters halfbrothers halfsisters also attends to adopted children Singleparent family one parent who is doing the primary care of the children amp the other parent is not involved divorce widowed by choice Livein family any of the above families but they do not have the bond of marriage Integrated family two different backgrounds religious cultural etc ex Husband raised Jewish wife raised Baptist Boomerang family what your parents do not want you to do moving back in with your parents after college after you lose your job etc Commuter family one member is away from the family for periods of time usually because of jobs Roles prescribed communication behavior the family clown the family screw up the golden child etc Responsibilitiesrules expectations no one goes to bed mad we re always going to talk about a disagreement what dad says goes etc Power structure I Positional the power come from the position of authority the person has in the family you parents tell you to do something and you ask why and they say because I m the mom and said so I Person an individual who is able to influence a younger sibling quotthe babyquot the only boy the loudest to complain etc Decision making I Consensus talk through what s going on hear everyone s side make a mutual decision I Accommodation you accommodate one member of the family may lead back to power structure ex a younger sibling is worn out so everyone has to go home I DeFacto one person makes a decision for the family usually happens with positional power ex on a road trip driver pulls in to first place they see Systems interdependence what happens to one happens to all family structure gives communicating meaning 0 Triangles O 0 Parent child child I Children against the parent Parents parents child O I The child tries to be the parent Sibling sibling sibling I Everyone s planning against one sibling Families go through life cycles 0 Stage 1 I Young married young committed without children Stage 2 I Families with preschoolers birth until beginning of school Stage 3 I Families with school aged kids Stage 4 I Families with adolescents children who are fairly selfsufficient amp can take care of themselves college first jobs Stage 5 I Launching families parents ultimate goals are to get rid of you lessdifference in communication Stage 6 I Empty nest after children move out CMST Conflict 1122010 124300 PM Exam review Thursday Conflict is a natural thing in relationships if you have a relationship without conflict it s probably not a real relationship o Can be small issue or large issue Three components of conflict 1 Expressed Disagreement very important A conflict is not going to exist unless you ve expressed it Until you share with the other person there is no conflict you can feel mad sad etc we can express in different ways a Overtly tell them outright b Covertly nonverbal not coming out and saying it straight forward but letting them know through our body language c Passive aggressive we don t tell the person straightout but we say something to where they understand we re upset 2 Interdependence have to be in some sort of relationship for there to be LA true conflict You can be angry with someone you don t know but that s not a conflict Need to Resolve important A true conflict we re going to feel like we need to do something about it and we need to resolve it If you don t have that feeling it s not truly a conflict A lot of times if we don t feel this need to resolve it s not a conflict Types of Conflicts 1 N Simple Conflict very specific conflict object or issue that you re having a disagreement over a Example two people watching a movie and one person not liking scary movies and the other person does Pseudo Conflict not really a conflict it s a communication misunderstanding Problem is if we don t realize it s a pseudo conflict it can become a more serious type of conflict 3 Ego similar to serial conflict in book It s a personal attack on the other person Stop fighting about the issue conflict object but start fighting over what you said about the other person If not careful with pseudo conflict it can become an ego conflict Start to argue about the same thing over and over it starts to become personal Process of Conflict Conflict goes through steps or stages Don t have to go through all five steps 1 N 9quot p 9quot Prior Conditions typically when we have a conflict with someone we have past experiences with each person we have a relationship with Something that happened in the past prior condition that sets the stage for a conflict situation Frustration Awareness at this point you start to begin to realize that there s something that s bothering you You haven t voiced it yet Active Conflict express your disagreement so that you can further the conflict This is where you have your discussiontalk about the conflict object issue Can be yelling to just talking Resolution conflicts don t always have resolutions we can agree to disagree Not every conflict makes it to this stage FollowUp once you ve resolved the conflict you have to check with yourself and the other person to make sure everything really is okay We have to have that follow upit feeds into our prior conditions If we don t have followup we might never feel truly resolved Conflict Management 1 2 Game Theory idea that if we do something choose a resolve that can benefit both people over time it s going to be the most profitable and ultimately what s best for the relationship Puts conflict into a numerical equation It s through this theory we get winwin winlose etc a Shows that there s different approaches to conflict management Not every conflict can be treated the same way ThomasZKilmann developed a conflict grid that depicts what kind of conflict management is occurring On xaxis concern for others yaxis concern for self a Avoidance not to do anything to fix overcome get past the conflict in a relationship This is something that can be harmful to our relationship It s a loselose situation bottom left of grid Pquot n D D Accommodate it s someone who has concern for other people over ourselves so that we give into these other people Sometimes this is a good thing and it works to make a relationship stronger but it s not good management all the time It s a winlose situation bottom right of grid Compete concern for ourselves other others It s a winlose Its these people have compete to win the argument they always have to be right It s destructive to a relationship That only time it s good is when you re trying to keep someone from harming themselves top left of grid Compromise technically a loselose situation because you giveup something that you want When we compromise we give up something there s a little bit of accommodation involved It s a good way to manage conflict but not for all the time Tends to be a fairly quick way to manage not always the best form In the middle of the grid Collaborate truly winwin situation Equal concern for ourselves and others Requires a great deal of work Find out exactly what is the issue Next you have to focus on what you can do to solve this conflict that s going to benefit both people in the relationship Brainstorm Requires a great deal of creativity Incredibly effective means of managing conflict and resolving the issue Requires the ability to see the other person s side top right of grid There are many different ways in which we can manage conflict But there is no one perfect way What s required is knowledge of the conflict and the relationship to find out which way is best We ve got to be able to use all five of these The first big fight Look at what happens before that fight What the fight was like How they fought Look at after the fight followup The way we fight the first time in a relationship the way we approach conflict establishes a code of conduct the rules for handling conflict in the future in that relationship 1122010 124300 PM 1122010 124300 PM
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