HDFS 1070 Week 10 Notes (Exam 3)
HDFS 1070 Week 10 Notes (Exam 3) HDFS 1070
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This 19 page Class Notes was uploaded by Victoria Tabacchini on Saturday April 2, 2016. The Class Notes belongs to HDFS 1070 at University of Connecticut taught by Ronald Sabatelli in Spring 2016. Since its upload, it has received 47 views. For similar materials see Individual and Family Development in Human Development at University of Connecticut.
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HDFS 1070 3/28, Page 1 Problems of Youth 3/28/16 Lecture Notes Anxiety is the primary emotion that is behind all problem behavior! Problem behavior includes: o Gang affiliation o Cults affiliation o Runaways o Substance abuse Drugs, alcohol, food (bulimia, anorexia), sex o Anxiety disorders o Depression o Narcissism o Suicide When the anxiety of a person goes over the capacity of that person’s ability to cope with it, they decompensate: become overly reactive to the anxiety. Their behavior is likely to be more destructive than constructive. If someone can cope with their anxiety, they continue to function well and don’t exhibit problem behaviors. Etiology = Cause anxiety is the cause of problem behaviors Why is it important to have some idea of the cause? No single or simple explanation No single or simple solution Problems of Youth – must see youth as residing within a developmental niche that includes family and a radius of significant others Niche generates anxiety o Trust o Competence o Mattering Anxiety and Reactivity Reactivity – when faced with “emotionevoking” situations (within the family, within the peer world), the tendency is for individuals to react in ways that subverts their own development. o The source of the anxiety is important o It is the reactivity to the anxiety that leads to problems o The reactivity is an attempt to manage the anxiety/emotion HDFS 1070 3/28, Page 2 o When people feel excessively anxious about trust, competency, and mattering, they engage in destructive coping responses in an effort to reduce their anxiety o The efforts to reduce their anxiety are their problem behaviors (problems are solutions to excessive anxiety) Ex. Feeling overwhelmed by anxiety, so drink alcohol to cope with it. This would be decompensation. Ex. Superficial hook ups because in that time you feel like you matter, but after you don’t and feel even worse than before— it is a deconstructive behavior. o It is important to know what the source of the anxiety is o We need to understand that when anxiety goes beyond that tipping point, the problem behavior is a solution to the underlying source of anxiety that the person is experiencing. The problem behavior is part of the excessive anxiety. o When we see this problem behavior, we must ask what the source of the anxiety is in their lives in an effort to understand the manifestation of that problem behavior This reactivity is reflected in: anxiety about trust, competence, and mattering What youth think (cognitions) What youth feel (emotions) What youth do (behaviors) *These become the legacy that is transmitted across generations and carried on over time! Emotionevoking Experiences of Youth Youth Alienation: anxiety that comes from problematic peer relationships Family of origin experiences: being exposed to patterns and dynamics of interactions that generate excessive anxiety and emotion within us (in an individuation enhancing environment, we feel like we matter and that our needs will be met—cope more constructively). Below, youth experience a profound sense of feeling like they have been rejected, are helpless, don’t matter, etc. Coping with these feelings might result in them engaging in problem behaviors in an effort to reduce that excessive anxiety. Expelling dynamics: it is being communicated to them that they don’t matter. Perhaps they might join a gang to feel part of a “family”. Binding dynamics: when people are overinvolved in your life, overly intrusive, and overly present. What is being communicated to you is that you are not competent enough to manage things on your own. That you need help and support, that you are an under functioner. That you need people in your life to help you function through binding. The more we over function for youth, the more we encourage them to under function. The more we encourage this, the more they adopt an identity of not being competent. HDFS 1070 3/28, Page 3 Delegating dynamics: parents form their identity based on the work of their children. This puts an excessive amount of pressure on that child. CONSTRUCTIVE RESPONSES: Takes a lot of control and support to not give into the powerful feelings of rejection, engulfment, abandonment, powerlessness. This is the focus of much of the therapy done with youth. Problems Related to Alienation and/or Expelling Forces within the family Note: Legacy of anger and mistrust of authorities; need for connection and closeness – reactive responses can include finding a group that will take you in (those these also typically share the legacy of anger and mistrust of authorities) Gangs: surrogate for a system feeling like you matter. This is a response to anxiety about mattering. Youth might join a gang because they aren’t given opportunities to succeed, experience racism, and people in their lives have little commitment to them and their development— therefore feeling like they don’t matter. Society contributes to whether we feel alienated or not as well. Gangs become a reasonable solution for that anxiety about mattering. Cults: people join a cult to feel like they matter and to possibly turn on their own family because their family makes them angry. The anger towards their family stems from feeling like they don’t matter. Fusing with girl/boy friend and joining his/her family: some people find a boyfriend or girlfriend that makes them feel like they matter to deal with their anxiety about mattering. This love is based on reducing their anxiety and is not based on joy. These people are more reactively in love because they are anxious. They need to be with them all the time. Antisocial attitudes and behaviors: act in antisocial and hostile ways toward authority. Drink, use drugs, vandalize, and ignore agents of authority. All of this is a way of responding to the anxiety about whether they matter, which is manifested secondarily with anger. Ex. I can’t do anything about my parents but I can vandalize my school and disrespect my teachers. To become an agent of change, you have to show an individual that they can depend on you and trust you. Therapy is so difficult with people who are anxious about their mattering because they are not receptive to messages since they have not been exposed to trusting people. Binding: three basic solutions to this developmental dilemma Fuse and give in Anxiety: over challenges to do things. Ex. Go to school, pay your own car insurance. Depression: common emotion generated by the binding dynamic. They feel helpless and that there is no hope. Under functioning encourages them HDFS 1070 3/28, Page 4 to feel helpless and hopeless. Depression doesn’t always manifest itself with suicide. Suicide: needs to be considered as a possible reaction to being excessively depressed for long periods of time. It is a way of succumbing to the helplessness and hopelessness. It could also be a way of taking control over their lives. Cutoff (rebel) – legacy, though involving anger, is different than that found within expelled youth! HOW? Guilt. Ambivalence. Concern for approval. Truly tormented! Some of us will rebel against the forces of fusion: “if I stay here, I have to buy into this identity that I am not competent and am an under functioner, so I am going to leave and rebel against it”. These individuals cut off from their families because they finally reach the stage in their life where they can have nothing ever to do again with their families. Anger and anxiety still remain very much in control of people when they cut off. They do things to spite their parents and do things in reaction to the emotions that they’re experiencing. They are reacting to the dynamics of their family that are controlling their life. Ex. Marry someone because your parents hate him or her. Not because you really want to make that life choice for yourself. Pseudoindividuation – here we can talk about certain kinds of substance abuse problems in youth – one’s that involve youth exercising control over themselves but remaining dependent and in a childlike position within the family. Rebelling against parents, but in rebelling against them, will result in self becoming more dependent on them in the long run. It is a false appearance of individuation. Instead of becoming autonomous, they become more dependent. Substance Abuses: because angry and feel alienated. Used to sooth the underlying anxieties that they experience. In this scenario, they are using the substances and confusing them as a way of expressing their autonomy and individuality but this ends up in having their parents come back and rescue them as a result of their dependency on the drugs or alcohol. It looks like they are moving forward with their life but they are still very much a child after their parents rescue them. Ex. Parents put them in rehab and monitor their behavior excessively. Delegating: Need to understand youths’ reactivity to parents’ excessive need to control developmental trajectory of youth? Some parents are so fragile themselves that inappropriate parent behavior reflects the anxiety on the parents’ part of whether they matter and are competent HDFS 1070 3/28, Page 5 themselves. If the parent doesn’t feel like they matter, they have a difficult time putting the child’s needs before their own. If a parent doesn’t feel competent, sometimes they bind up with the child and their motivation for binding is feeling like they are needed to take care of someone. They are bound up with their kids in promoting their children’s excellence and living vicariously through that excellence. Pushing, requiring excellence from child so they can live through them creates a developmental bind. Have to live the life that the parents want you to live. Can lead to narcissism in children: believes that they are the center of everyone’s universe. That everything revolves around them. That the only person that matters is them. The only person’s problems, feelings that matter are theirs. When you are elevated in standing, you are communicated to that you are special. What is missing is feeling like people really care about you and opportunities to develop social emotional learning skills. If you are the center of your parents’ universe, you don’t have to learn how to be empathic, and communicate with others because you are in a central position. Don’t have the social capacity to function in the real world. Suicide enhancing dynamic: might result in kids committing suicide when otherwise they seem to be doing so well. Every now and then a kid commits suicide who has been exceptional and how we make sense out of this is that if their parents are delegating, they are locking opportunities to make choices. Controlling what you can and cannot do, what you have to do and excel at. Some people feel so controlled and so constrained by that dynamic that instead of rebelling or constructively cutting off, they think of suicide being the only solution to gain control over their identity and over their lives. Our accomplishes as children should bring us joy rather than pressure us to become better. Delegating creates the absence of joy and the creation of anxiety. Even in the presence of achievement, it can result in decompensation. The basic therapeutic response to all of these situations is some variation on cognitive behavior therapy. In order for people to change their trajectory in a positive way, they need to understand the sources of anxiety (cognitive) and how their problem behavior is an attempt on their part to solve their anxiety (cognitive). Finding help from a therapist, a coach, a mentor, etc. to behave differently when exposed to those environments. To substitute deconstructive responses with something more constructive instead (behavioral). This therapy takes so long because the person needs to gain trust with the therapist. Prevention vs intervention Prevention: There are very few windows of opportunity to educate people about families and development. HDFS 1070 3/28, Page 6 Sabatelli, Ronald. “Problems of Youth.” HDFS 1070. University of Connecticut, Storrs. 28 March 2016. Lecture. HDFS 1070 Notes 4/1/16, Page 1 Lifetime System Issues 4/1/16 Lecture Notes Setting up the Lifetime Relationship System Why Lifetime Partnership instead of Marriage: Establishing priorities in terms of your family life Most people set up a lifetime partnership they partner with someone where the expectation of the relationship will be permanent, sexually exclusive, and enduring Once you establish these, you enter into a new stage of your family life cycle. You are now somewhat separate from your family of origin and setting up a new stage in your OWN family life cycle. Cohabitation versus Lifetime Partnerships Sliding versus Deciding: o There are more people cohabiting today than ever before rather than choosing to marry o Marriage is declining while cohabiting is going up o Sliding a lot less intentionality (people are entering into marriage like relationships—only because it is convenient, expedient, and makes sense given what the alternatives are). You more or less wind up in a lifetime partnership because you have been living together and financially it makes the most sense. It is mostly about the fact that you are getting older and can’t live independently without a roommate (finances) and seem to be compatible, so might as well move forward in life together. Those who slide have higher divorce and dissolution rates. They will also probably have less stable futures because the decision didn’t reflect intentional commitment to the idea of living together for the rest of their lives—it more so represents expediency (economic reality). Motivation for sliding comes from wanting to live with some control over your life, not having to have roommates, and not having to depend on your parents—so you decide to make a lifetime partnership. This is a new phenomenon which has to do a lot with our heightened economic standards. o Deciding the conventional pathway into a lifetime partnership. You date, you relate, you live together… at some point in time you make the decision to go forward and get married because you both believe this is your life path and a conscious deliberate intentional decision to live the rest of your lives together. Tasks for the Newly Partnered System Everything is an ordinary difficulty, not a problem! o Ordinary difficulties can become problems when they are ignored o Ordinary difficulties can become problems if they are overreacted to (treated like problems) HDFS 1070 Notes 4/1/16, Page 2 There is a certain normative amount of complaints and tensions and if you overreact to these things, that overreaction can result in ordinary difficulties becoming problems To normalize these ordinary difficulties, we educate people. The more knowledge they have, the better prepared they are to respond to them. What makes the marital system unique are themes, roles, and identities Identity Tasks o Conjugal Themes (lifetime relationship/marital themes) when you partner with someone you both have different themes. There is a merging of themes which have to be negotiated. Easier if you come from families where you like your families. You are more open to the possibilities and tolerant of differentness. If you come from families that you don’t like, you struggle with how you want to structure your own family because you don’t like how your family was structured. Resources you and your partner negotiate and make decisions that result in you basing your relationship around certain themes: Time what you spend time with Energy what you put your energy into Money what you put money into Organize themes around certain activities and hobbies/interests. Ex. Relationship is organized around the importance of music. Ex. Relationship based around planning for the future rather than thinking about the present. o Conjugal Roles how you should act as a partner in a partnered lifetime relationship (how you should act as a husband or a wife/partner) Conjugal role expectations Each partner has a set of expectations of what they should do, are expected to do, and what they are required to do. It is a negotiation process because you are simultaneously talking about each person establishing expectations for the self when the expectations you have for yourself are simultaneously imposing expectations on your partner. These are codependent identities. o Self expectations (role) Partner expectations (counterrole) o There are opportunities for conflict because the expectation one has for themselves and their partner are not likely to match the expectations the partner has for themselves and them. When the expectations are mismatched they need to be negotiated in order for the couple to be satisfied with one another. A negotiation is HDFS 1070 Notes 4/1/16, Page 3 usually resolved with conflict. The absence of a match can become a problem if you don’t negotiate. o Congruence of expectations potential for satisfaction o Behavior relative to expectations complaints A fit in HOW those things should be done Complaints are ordinary and can become a problem if you don’t address them, negotiate them, or smooth them over Ex. Agree that half of the time each cleans the bathroom. If one doesn’t clean the bathroom like the other expected it should be done, then there can be conflict. Ex. Husband: I go to work and provide for the family. I don’t do housework, I don’t cook. o Conjugal Identities The identities that partners assign to one another Just like in your family, your parents assign critical images to all their children In partnerships, they assign similar personal critical images to one another conjugal identities These identities are part of the shorthand ways in which couples organize their relationships Ex. You’re the one who can’t be trusted with money, you are the responsible one, etc. These assigned identities can create tension between them if they aren’t true. This creates a need for negotiation. The responsible one starts delegating tasks to the irresponsible partner Can create conflict and become a problem External Boundary Tasks o Family versus Partner Primary Loyalties and Triangulation When you are living intentionally in a lifetime relationship, your primary loyalty should be to your partner, not your family of origin If your primary loyalty is to your mother, for example, and not to your partner, that can create a problem in the relationship Some people never get to this place because they have not sufficiently individuated from their family. Their loyalty to their partner is compromised by their sense of obligation to their family of origin. This can lead to loyalty triangulation which leads to intergenerational conflict and martial conflicts as well. HDFS 1070 Notes 4/1/16, Page 4 Individuation If both are individuated from families, and not oppressed from parents’ power and authority, they establish intimacy rather than conflict. Many of the couples that you see in therapy got married in hope that the marriage would help them individuate from their parents. What you need to be is autonomous and then get married! o Friends versus Partner Need to explain to your friends that they need to respect the fact that your partner is where your primary loyalty is. If someone’s primary loyalty is to their friends, this can create problems. In our culture, we label men as “pussy whipped” when their primary loyalty is to their kids and partner Our culture says that being a real man is when you establish your primary identity to friends rather than your partner Most men cannot have this conversation with their friends because they don’t want to be viewed as “pussy whipped”. Internal Boundaries o Balancing Separateness versus Connectedness Each of us has an expectation of how much time as a couple we are going to spend together and also how much time apart we are going to spend from each other Need to create a balance of separateness and connectedness When you start living with someone you are in uncharted territory trying to figure out how much time you will spend together, apart, and how much time you will have to do things alone When in the bonding/formative stages of the relationship, emphasis is all on connectedness Once you are living with someone, you want to have some time alone, which creates tension ordinary conflict and difficulty When ignored and not managed, becomes a problem Maintenance Tasks o Housework Roles – when you live with someone, there has to be plans for how household management tasks, cleaning, etc. are managed Symbolic Significance of Household Roles Roles and Counterroles o Most women really believe: household tasks should ( not need to) be shared and I’ll settle if the guy helps out a little HDFS 1070 Notes 4/1/16, Page 5 o Women are always compromising their expectations because men hold out “It’s good enough if I help out a little and not share the tasks”. Most men start their intimate lifetime partnerships with the expectations that at most they just have to help out with housework, not share it. Women are not necessarily happy with this, but are just happy they are helping out There is a lot of identity work invested in this because it is privileged on the part of men to help out (not your responsibility but you have a choice to help out) Nurturance Tasks o Communication and Intimacy We need to develop communication patterns in order to develop intimacy We also need to create an environment that promotes intimacy Every single interaction that you have with your partner is a communication act The climate that is created by these interactions become key to the experience of intimacy Ex. When the wife wakes up and smiles and says “good morning” but the husband just grunts, creates a negative emotional climate, which decreases intimacy. o Management of Conflict Conflict is inevitable The presence of conflict doesn’t mean the absence of intimacy Conflict can be used to achieve a higher level of intimacy. It is an important part because you become mindful of your conflicts and negotiate them. o Dyadic sexual scripts – 5 W’s (symbolic activity—how you communicate) Negotiating the erotic part but also negotiating the symbolic part of sex, which contributes to the experience of intimacy There is always a tension between eroticism and intimacy Who Why Making love versus having sex! What Has to be negotiated on what they do in their sexual activities We are more accommodating than we ever will be when we are forming a relationship rather than when we are in a relationship When Have to figure out how often having sex is enough HDFS 1070 Notes 4/1/16, Page 6 When you start living together, inevitably, the frequency of your sex is going to decline over time o May or may not be a problem o When the frequency is declining, the frequency is always being determined by the partner who is least interested in sex. When its declining, it is always in that instance when there is one partner more interested and one partner least interested—this is an ordinary difficulty that needs to be negotiated. The partner least interested in having sex controls the frequency Where There is a relationship between sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction! For most men, sexual satisfaction is highly correlated with their relationship satisfaction (sexual satisfaction is more important than relationship satisfaction—sexual satisfaction leads to relationship satisfaction) For most women, it is their happiness with their relationship that is associated with their sex life (relationship satisfaction is more important than sexual satisfaction—relationship satisfaction leads to sexual satisfaction) This is a dynamic that has to be worked out in a relationship Sabatelli, Ronald. “Lifetime System Issues.” HDFS 1070. University of Connecticut, Storrs. 1 April 2016. Lecture. Early Adulthood 3/30/16 Lecture Notes generally speaking, early adulthood begins in the early, mid20s o this is a higher age than the past because it takes longer for people to transition into the adult world today o need to establish a life plan— the themes within that life plan direct your time, energy and money. If you don’t have a plan, you are not using those factors efficiently and intentionally. o Things that you do are done with a purpose Work of adulthood – Developmental Tasks knowing yourself, maturity, gaining ego resources to take on adult roles Commitment to life’s work (career) Shaping your dreams: mapping out a vision for the future Find mentors Assumption is that Identity Work Leads to Maturity and Maturity is Necessary to Take on Adult Roles and Responsibilities What is Maturity – Robert White: the operational indicators of maturity. Each of these is an indicator is that an individual has achieved a high level of maturity in which they can take on adult responsibility. Stabilizing of Identity: done experimenting, now acting with a purpose. You know what your career goals are, know about your values, know about your lifestyle: the identity triangle. Comfortable in your mind with career, values, and lifestyle. Freeing from Personal Relationships: when we are younger, we are very reliant and responsive to people’s approval and disapproval of us. A mature person is less responsive to and less reactive to the approval and disapproval of others. Not so dependent on others for their approval and disapproval. Will not run life in pursuit of approval and avoidance of disapproval. Deepening of Interests: when the identity triangle is resolved for the time being, because everything is clear, you sharpen your focus on things that truly interest you. You know what interests you and pursue the things that interest you. It’s about balancing your life with things that bring you joy. Ex. Hobbies. Young people don’t have hobbies. Mature people have hobbies. The intention sets the foundation for them to put interest in their activities. The activities balance the demands in life and brings joy. Expansion of Caring: as you know yourself, instead of directing a lot of your psyche energy inward towards yourself, the resolution of that anxiety around that identity creates more empathy, sensitivity, and kindness towards others. Less burdened by identity related anxieties, so it becomes more possible to care about others. Psychosocial Tension/Crisis – tension revolves around developing a capacity for Life Long Intimacy Maturity provides us with a psychosocial resource that enables us to move forward in an intentional way to our adult years. As we move forward, it will occur that we will start to experience stage specific anxiety about forming a partnership with someone. A lot of pressure to start focusing your psychosocial attention on intimacy. Erikson’s Crisis: Intimacy vs. Isolation Intimacy – the ability to experience an open, supportive, tender relationship with another without the fear of losing one’s own identity in the process. o That you can’t be intimate with someone if you have to compromise your identity to be in that relationship, and can’t be intimate if you demand that they compromise their identity to meet your needs for intimacy. o Intimacy is freely given and experienced, it is an experience of a joyful union. It is not an identity driven union or an anxious union. Intimacy is characterized by several different abilities or capacities: Mutuality and empathy are expressions of intimacy (he said this would be an exam question) Mutuality: the ability and willingness to regulate one’s needs in order to respond to the needs of one’s partner Willingness to regulate your needs and emotions in response to what you partner needs. Empathy: a skill enabling us to connect with others that allows us to respond to others i.e. if you have a problem it becomes their problem (product of fusion), if like this then not allowed to have your moment to be taken care of The skill to connect with others in a way that communicates our concern with their lived emotional experiences and that they matter Trust: the ability to be in a relationship and know they differentiate and meet your needs Intimacy is trust. To be in a relationship and be confident that your partner will differentiate and meet your needs. That confidence is the counterpoint of being anxious about whether your partner will differentiate and meet your needs. If you aren’t confident then you are saying you don’t trust them. If you are, you are saying you do trust them. Mutuality and empathy are a lot like decentering. Decentering is like mutuality. Empathy is being open to emotions and experiences. Both convey to you that you matter. Both are so important in intimate relationships, because they are the primary ways to let someone know that they matter and they are respected by you. Have to know yourself and be less anxious about who you are. To truly develop the capacity for intimacy, you have to have a foundation of identity. Have to be secure in respect to who you are. If you are anxious about yourself, then you are asking your partner to respond to your anxiety, which compromises the intimacy. A psychosocial mature intimate relationship is experienced with joy Psychosocially immature and anxious intimacy is characterized by demands that compromise what you do and who you are to reduce the other’s anxiety or by comprising self in order to be in the relationship. Anxious dependency. Intimacy is experienced when we are able to experience closeness with another without having to compromise who we are in the process! Intimacy is experienced when we are able to experience closeness with another without demanding that our partner compromise who they are in the process! Manifestations of Isolation Fusion: if dependent on someone to reduce anxiety and meet needs A codependence where we are saying that we need one another to make us feel less anxious and whole as a person—foundation of identity is missing, not a joyful union. It is a dependent and anxious union. You are always worried that your needs wont be met. Chronic Loneliness: even when you are in an intimate relationship with someone, you feel lonely all the time. Or you are single and are lonely. Feeling anxious about being alone all the time. Feel like your needs wont be met. Two Critical Questions: 1. What are the relationships among our developmental legacy and sources of anxiety and the ability to express and experience intimacy? 2. What are the relationships between developmental sources of anxiety and how we choose lifetime partners? a. If we have experienced lot of developmental sources of anxiety from infancy and on (mattering, trusting, competentency), that anxiety overruns our intimate relationships and creates a fused dependent intimacy rather than a joyful one. Lifetime Partnerships Filtering the Pool of Eligibles Distinguishing Features of a Lifetime Partnership Developmental History and Family of Origin Have To Influence the Selection Process Interpersonal Attraction: social exchange metaphor. Attracted to people who provide a higher balance of rewards vs cost. Focuses our attention on the fact that there are specific conscious and unconscious attributes of people that we are uniquely rewarded by and vice versa. Rewards Costs o Balance of rewards and costs o Each of us are different in how we view rewards and costs Outcomes Comparison Levels (CL): each of us walks around with a subjective set of expectations derived from our personal lived experiences that factor into what we expect from relationships and people. What we deserve, what we think is important, what we think is expected. The more anxious you are about yourself, the less you feel you deserve, the more you settle, the more someone is willing to look at you may be the reward you need to feel attracted to them. If anxious about who you are, when treated unfairly by a person, will stay. Comparison Levels for Alternatives (CLalt): has to do with what you feel subjectively and what you believe are the rewards available to you in alternatives. Attraction is based on whether or not you feel you have better alternatives. The more anxious you are, the fewer alternatives you believe you have. If you find someone with some margin of reward, you go with that as an anxious person. People who are in toxic relationships stay because they don’t believe they have any other alternatives. o Outcomes available in alternatives o Costs/barriers to leaving What influences Comparison Levels? Cultural orientations Family of origin experiences o Attachment history – developmental sources of anxiety Lived experiences and observations o If you are anxious you have different sets of expectations and different expectations of alternatives than someone who is not anxious What builds the experiences of COMMITMENT and TRUST? Basis for commitment High levels of attraction Perception of Reciprocity: the fact that we go around processing information about how we feel, think, and believe, but we also process information about how we think others feel think, and believe. Have to believe that another is as invested, as involved and attracted in the relationship as you are. This is a perception; we never know that for sure. In order to collect that information, we can: o Secret Tests: can become a problem but just a part of being in a relationship. Ex. Test someone: you didn’t text me back, you didn’t come with me. o The more anxious you are, the more testing you do, the more testing you do, the more you drive reasonable people away. Basis of Trust High levels of attraction Commitment Perception of Reciprocity Equity/fairness What Does Love Have to Do with IT? Love as a secondary emotion (just like anger) o In the presence of attraction, arousal, commitment, reciprocity, emerging trust we label the heighten emotional state LOVE o Either based in joy or anxiety o For most of us, we probably experience certain forces of joy from being in a relationship with a person and they reduce our anxiety, we say we love them. o Important to understand the tension between joy and anxiety o Functional family environments: leave us open to experiencing more joy in partnerships o The more anxious we are developmentally, the more dependent we are on other people to meet our needs (say we love someone because we are dependent on them) IF Love is a Secondary Emotion then it is related to the primary emotions of JOY and ANXIETY! Joy Based Love: Passion JOY Commitment Anxiety Based Love: Passion FEARS Commitment lonely and anxious all the time even though in a relationship Manifestation of Fear afraid of being alone afraid of loosing one’s identity afraid of not mattering Sabatelli, Ronald. “Early Adulthood Partner Selection.” HDFS 1070. University of Connecticut, Storrs. 30 March 2016. Lecture.