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HDFS 129 notes 15 (4/14 – 4/21) What makes a marriage work Research of John Gottman  The “Love Lab” at the University of Washington  Longitudinal study of couples  Can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy (after observing for 30 minutes)  If high conflict and low compatibility doesn’t predict divorce, what does How Gottman measure couples’ marriage  Not just with surveys or questionnaires (bc people lie)  Need to record couples’ interaction (people are unaware of their style of communication)  Marital Interaction Assessment: 15 minute recording of couple talking about something they disagree on  Specific Affect Coding System: facial expressions, tone of voice, body language  Positive affect: humor, affection, validation, joy  Negative affect: disgust, contempt, criticism, belligerence, domineering, defensiveness, whining, tension, fear, anger, sadness  Physiological measures: heart rate, palmar skin conductance (sweat), gross motor movement, blood assays of immune response The “Four Horseman” of Divorce  Criticism  Defensiveness  Contempt  Stonewalling  These 4 styles of interacting predict divorce Criticism  Attacking someone’s global character  Involves placing blame on person  It’s global, not specific  Females use it more than males  “Always” and “never” statements o “You never want to talk.” o “You only think of yourself.” HDFS 129 notes 15 (4/14 – 4/21)  Complaining is NOT criticizing o Gottman says complaining is one of the healthiest things we can do in a marriage, if done correctly o Expressing anger and disagreement o Complaining isn’t pleasant, but it makes a marriage stronger in the long run o Unvoiced complaints lead to repression, resentment, and trouble o Complaints are specific, not global  “I really love it when we talk deeply… can we do that more” Defensiveness  Denying responsibility, making excuses  Complaint: “I’m upset you didn’t call.”  Defensiveness: “I never said I’d call.”  Complaint: “ My feelings were hurt by what you said.”  Defensiveness: “You’re too sensitive; I didn’t mean it te way you took it.”  Cross complaint: “Well my feelings were hurt by what you said.”  Used equally by both genders Contempt  The intention to belittle your partner  The message is that he/she is stupid  Can include name-calling  Hostile humor, sarcasm, mockery  Body language  Husband’s contempt toward wife over time predicts wife’s physical health  Used equally by both genders  Contempt is the BIGGEST predictor of divorce Stonewalling  Physically and/or emotionally withdrawing from conflict  85% of time it’s the male who stonewalls  Males have a different physiological response to relational conflict than females o Muscles tense, heart rate increases, breathing becomes shallow, palms sweat HDFS 129 notes 15 (4/14 – 4/21) o Because of biology and socialization How to fight fair 1. Soften your startup 2. Learn to make repair attempts (humor) 3. Learn to self soothe 4. Compromise Attachment and Communication styles  Secure: interest in partner’s comments, recognize partner’s distress, response with empathy, give and receive comfort  Insecure Ambivalent: overly dependent and anxious in relationships  Insecure Avoidant: dismiss or withdraw form conflict, less emotional expression in relationship Gottman’s suggestions  Work on one problem at a time  Take responsibility; be willing to look at your own behavior  If you see your partner becoming upset, try to soothe him/her (and yourself)  Complain, don’t criticize; be specific, face problems head on  Use empathy --- understanding, not advice  Validate your partner’s feelings  Show genuine interest (bids for attention)  Communicate your understanding Generativity v. Stagnation Developmental Tasks of Adulthood  Generativity o A capacity to care for others in a broader way than previous stages o To nurture that which outlives the self o Reaching out in a way that exceeds one’s self (identity) and one’s left partner (intimacy) HDFS 129 notes 15 (4/14 – 4/21)  Stagnation o Being self-centered and self-indulgent with a lack of concern about contributing to the welfare of society  What can be generated o Children o Ideas o Products o Contributions to community/charity o Contributions through teaching/mentoring Generativity requires a “belief in the species” (a care about the world and the people in it after we’re gone)  Levinson’s Developmental Tasks of Adulthood o Young-Old: finding positive meaning in being older  Men focus on health (strength), women on body issues (image) o Destruction-Creation: becoming more aware of how we have acted in a harmful way toward others and trying to correct it o Masculinity-Femininity: becoming more androgynous  Men become more feminine, women become more masculine o Engagement-Separation: resolving issues of work and family  Do people change o Stability- adult personality is stable over time o Change- adult personality is a continual process of change and growth o Survey of 2000 40 year olds  Asked to think about their personality  52% said they stayed the same  39% said they changed only a little  9% said they changed a lot  This means 91% felt personality was relatively stable  5 stable factors of personalityOCEAN o Openness o Conscientiousness o Extroversion o Agreeableness HDFS 129 notes 15 (4/14 – 4/21) o Neuroticism  Openness o Imaginative or practical o Variety or routine o Independent or conforming  Conscientiousness o Organized or disorganized o Careful or careless o Disciplined or impulsive  Extroversion o Social or retiring o Fun-loving or somber o Affectionate or reserved  Agreeableness o Soft-hearted or ruthless o Trusting or suspicious o Helpful or uncooperative  Neuroticism o Calm or anxious o Secure or insecure o Self-satisfied or self-pitying  As we age… o Agreeableness and conscientiousness increase o Neuroticism declines o Extroversion and openness either do not change or decrease slightly o Personality is responsive to life experiences (change) but that change exists within boundaries o These changes may just reflect a “settling down” or maturity o A person who scores high or low on a trait is likely to retain that standing throughout adulthood  The top 5 regrets of people who are dying 1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 2. I wish I hadn’t worked too hard. 3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. HDFS 129 notes 15 (4/14 – 4/21) “The 3 grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.”  What makes us happy o Family o Meaningful philosophy of life o Purposeful work (doesn’t have to be a career)