Members of the jury, you have heard Shirley Gaines testify that the defendant did not

The Daily News carried an article this morning about three local teenagers who were arrested on charges of drug possession. Teenagers these days are nothing but a bunch of junkies.

If a car breaks down on the freeway, a passing mechanic is not obligated to render emergency road service. For similar reasons, if a person suffers a heart attack on the street, a passing physician is not obligated to render emergency medical assistance

There must be something to psychical research. Three famous physicists Oliver Lodge, James Jeans, and Arthur Stanley Eddingtontook it seriously

The secretaries have asked us to provide lounge areas where they can spend their coffee breaks. This request will have to be refused. If we give them lounge areas, next theyll be asking for spas and swimming pools. Then it will be racquet ball courts, tennis courts, and fitness centers. Expenditures for these facilities will drive us into bankruptcy

The accumulation of pressure in a society is similar to the buildup of pressure in a boiler. If the pressure in a boiler increases beyond a critical point, the boiler will explode. Accordingly, if a government represses its people beyond a certain point, the people will rise up in revolt

A few minutes after Governor Harrison finished his speech on television, a devastating earthquake struck southern Alaska. For the safety of the people up there, it is imperative that Governor Harrison make no more speeches.

No one has ever been able to prove the existence of extrasensory perception. We must therefore conclude that extrasensory perception is a myth.

Lester Brown, universally respected author of the yearly State of the World report, has said that the destruction of tropical rain forests is one of the ten most serious worldwide problems. Thus, it must be the case that this is indeed a very serious problem.

Bill Gates and Warren Buffet give millions of dollars to charitable causes every year. It must be the case that all wealthy people give huge amounts of money to charity every year

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un says that his countrys nuclear program is purely for peaceful purposes. Therefore, given Mr. Kims familiarity with that program, we should not think for a moment that he plans to use it to develop nuclear weapons.

Probably no life exists on Venus. Teams of scientists have conducted exhaustive studies of the planets surface and atmosphere, and no living organisms have been found.

We dont dare let the animal-rights activists get their foot in the door. If they sell us on the idea that dogs, cats, and dolphins have rights, next it will be chickens and cows. That means no more chicken Kiev or prime rib. Next it will be worms and insects. This will lead to the decimation of our agricultural industry. The starvation of the human race will follow close behind.

No one would buy a pair of shoes without trying them on. Why should anyone be expected to get married without premarital sex?

No one has proved conclusively that Americas nuclear power plants constitute a danger to people living in their immediate vicinity. Therefore, it is perfectly safe to continue to build nuclear power plants near large metropolitan centers.

There are more churches in New York City than in any other city in the nation, and more crimes are committed in New York City than anywhere else. So, if we are to eliminate crime, we must abolish the churches.

Certainly Miss Malone will be a capable and efficient manager. She has a great figure, a gorgeous face, and tremendous poise, and she dresses very fashionably.

James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, says that men have the divine obligation to lead their families, and women have the divine obligation to submit to their husbands authority. Given Dobsons apparent ability to receive messages from God, we must conclude that this statement is absolutely true.

Dear Internal Revenue Service: I received a notice that my taxes are being audited for last year. But you have no right to do this. The deadline for filing a return was April 15, and I filed my tax return on April 12a full three days before the deadline.

To prevent dangerous weapons from being carried aboard airliners, those seeking to board must pass through a magnetometer and submit to a possible pat-down search. Therefore, to prevent alcohol and drugs from being carried into rock concerts, those entering should submit to similar search procedures.

Mr. Flemmings arguments against the rent-control initiative on the September ballot should be taken with a grain of salt. As a landlord he would naturally be expected to oppose the initiative.

India is suffering a serious drought, thousands of children are dying of starvation in their mothers arms, and homeless beggars line the streets of the major cities. Surely we must give these poor downtrodden people the chance of bettering their condition in America, the land of wealth and opportunity.

Members of the jury, you have heard Shirley Gaines testify that the defendant did not offer to perform acts of prostitution for the undercover police officer. But Gaines is a known prostitute herself and a close friend of the defendant. Also, only a year ago she was convicted of twelve counts of perjury. Therefore, you should certainly discount Gainess testimony.

It is ridiculous to hear that man from Peru complaining about Americas poverty. Peru has twice as much poverty as America has ever had.

Angela complains that the problems on the algebra test were too hard. But have you ever seen the way Angela flirts with that good-looking quarterback on the football team? Shes constantly batting those long, black eyelashes at him, and her tight-fitting sweaters leave nothing to the imagination. Angela should pay more attention to her studies.

Nobody has ever proved that immoral behavior by elected officials erodes public morality. Therefore, we must conclude that such behavior does not erode public morality.

Freedom of speech is guaranteed by the First Amendment. Therefore, your friend was acting within his rights when he shouted Fire! Fire! in that crowded theater, even though it was only a joke.

No one, on encountering a watch lying on a forest trail, would expect that it had simply appeared there without having been made by someone. For the same reason, no one should expect that the universe simply appeared without having been made by some being.

On Monday I drank ten rum and Cokes, and the next morning I woke up with a headache. On Wednesday I drank eight gin and Cokes, and the next morning I woke up with a headache. On Friday I drank nine bourbon and Cokes, and the next morning I woke up with a headache. Obviously, to prevent further headaches I must give up Coke.

Radio entertainer Rush Limbaugh claims there is not a shred of evidence to prove that nicotine is addictive or that cigarettes cause emphysema, lung cancer, or any other disease. Given Limbaughs apparent expertise in medical science, we can only conclude that what he says about nicotine and cigarettes is true.

Some of the parents in our school district have asked that we provide bilingual education in Spanish. This request will have to be denied. If we provide this service, then someone will ask for bilingual education in Greek. Then it will be German, French, and Hungarian. Polish, Russian, Chinese, Japanese, and Korean will follow close behind. We certainly cant accommodate all of them.